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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:13:04 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Hee hee

Yes, but you used less words than I to make the same point. There's a surprise...


Are you saying that I am terse or that you are just wordy?  *w*

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:13:17 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Well, Kyra and Ownedgirlie have the exact same thoughts as I do, so I'll just add this little piece and be done.

As soon as someone else becomes responsible for 'my' happiness, I'm pretty much screwed, because then what am I supposed to do when they are no longer a force in my life? Never be happy again?

T'aint my style.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:15:15 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Hee hee

Yes, but you used less words than I to make the same point. There's a surprise...


Are you saying that I am terse or that you are just wordy?  *w*

LOL I was coughing up to being wordy but since you mentioned it....heh

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:19:13 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		When I read this post...the first thing that came to mind was a conversation with my Grandmother many years back...."Someday you'll get married again and then you will be happy" she told me....."Grandma...I am happy"....I replied....
I like the majority on this post take resposibilty for my own happiness....but if I am with someone, I find that I am happier, not so much in general, but in another form of happiness/enhancement.....kind of like watching my son grow up makes me happy.....it adds to of my happiness...and I would expect to certain degree that a Dom would fall into a similar category.....not responsible for my happiness...but to a certain degree...yes ...he is responsible...just as I would be responsible for his happiness.....

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:35:53 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I suppose my opinion will reflect what has already been said/written.

We are all responsible for ourselves. In a good relationship we can enhance the other but not "make".....if that makes any sense.

In the past I have even made a concentrated effort to avoid relationships until I knew I was really happy with myself. 

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 10:47:57 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Both people in relationships need to try to ensure if the other isn't happy they aim to fix that if they can but far too many people think a relationship will make them "happy" and depend too much on it for that feeling which is always a mistake.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:01:13 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


Dominants, do you feel as though it is your responsibility to make a submissive happy?

Really curious to see some of the responses


Excellent thread, julia. The answer is no.
 
Now, other people certainly can make us happy... but it behooves us to find our own joy in life. As you say, "own" your feelings.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:17:56 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


Dominants, do you feel as though it is your responsibility to make a submissive happy?

Really curious to see some of the responses


Excellent thread, julia. The answer is no.
 
Now, other people certainly can make us happy... but it behooves us to find our own joy in life. As you say, "own" your feelings.


I think there are things that people can do to that will bring us unhappiness, but it is up to us to change that situation, in other words, don't like something, change it! Eventually one has to leave a situation in which their needs are consistently unmet and they are suffering as a result... so even if someone is doing their damnedest to make us unhappy it is an individual choice of how long to tolerate that and whether to remain in that situation (I hope that made sense)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:23:48 AM   
onlyone48


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline 		That is a trap for all DOMINANTS! The only way a sub can be happy is if they serve and please their DOM. So let them do it! If that doesn't make them happy, well I would argue they are not a true submissive.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:24:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlyone48

That is a trap for all DOMINANTS! The only way a sub can be happy is if they serve and please their DOM. So let them do it! If that doesn't make them happy, well I would argue they are not a true submissive.


How would you argue that twuly? I really want to know

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to onlyone48)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:29:03 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		i don't know about "happy"  it reminds me of birthdays and mood, moreso than an overall condition.   i prefer to go for "content".

i find my contentment waxes and wanes, and it's always about something i need to do.  If i'm not content, is there something in my situation or viewpoint making me so?  Can i change it or is there a lesson in acceptance?  So no, my partners or friends or children don't "make me" content, although they are definately part of what creates my arena..  and i ultimately control my arena.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:38:41 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlyone48

That is a trap for all DOMINANTS! The only way a sub can be happy is if they serve and please their DOM. So let them do it! If that doesn't make them happy, well I would argue they are not a true submissive.


Welcome to the boards. 

Ok, so let's look a little deeper at what you've said here.   if we grant that a sub will get happiness by serving their Dom..  where is the trap for a Dominant in that? 

i'd also like to note that sometimes a "true submissive" has served one, and been unhappy, but perhaps found another that is a better match, and was happy ever after.  At what stage of this timeline was she not a "true submissive"?


(in reply to onlyone48)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:42:27 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		As usual we try to make points and may divert the question into different questions.

As a dominant I very much enjoy forcing my submissive to do things she LOVES to do.

I want her healthy, happy and hot.

I do not agree it is my obligation to do this, my obligation is to enjoy her the most I can, within her limits.

Sometimes she has to do things that do not make her happy but which please me. Everything is mutually consensual.

Sometimes I do things I am not totally fond of which she loves, to reward her for bringing me such joy.

I do not currently have a Mistress, but when I am submissive to someone, I know  that their side of the agreement is to enjoy me the most that they wish, within my limits. This may or may not involve me getting any of the things on my favorites list, as Pleasing the dominant is my greatest need as a sub.

In point of fact I know that unless there is a good degree of mutually enjoyed times, a dominant and a submissive are not very compatible. That can be fine for teaching or for occasional play but is not a solid base for a relationship.

As usual, your mileage may vary!
vield

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:45:03 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: onlyone48

That is a trap for all DOMINANTS! The only way a sub can be happy is if they serve and please their DOM. So let them do it! If that doesn't make them happy, well I would argue they are not a true submissive.


How would you argue that twuly? I really want to know

I can take a stab at this.  I am, by nature, a submissive woman.  I need to be enslaved to someone, as it gives me purpose.  I am a slave, and I am being true to myself when I give myself over to him entirely.  When I hold back, I am not being true to myself. Denying who and what I am is not being true to myself.  If I did not gain happiness from being who I am, then I would have to question if that really is what I am.  If I say I am submissive, but I am not happy submitting to my Master, then I would question if I am really submissive. 

Mind you, I have submitted to assholes before and therefore was not happy.  But in realizing and understanding my unhappiness, I did question if I was truly what I thought I was.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:47:10 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


Dominants, do you feel as though it is your responsibility to make a submissive happy?

Really curious to see some of the responses


Excellent thread, julia. The answer is no.
 
Now, other people certainly can make us happy... but it behooves us to find our own joy in life. As you say, "own" your feelings.


I think there are things that people can do to that will bring us unhappiness, but it is up to us to change that situation, in other words, don't like something, change it! Eventually one has to leave a situation in which their needs are consistently unmet and they are suffering as a result... so even if someone is doing their damnedest to make us unhappy it is an individual choice of how long to tolerate that and whether to remain in that situation (I hope that made sense)


Sure it makes sense . Of course, the more Dalai Lama-ish we can be, that helps greatly. I'm dealing with a situation at work now, where I'm going back and forth between getting a co-worker fired, or being more accepting of her annoying self.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:53:01 AM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		It is not My Lord's "job" to make sure I am happy.  That's my responsibility - and it's something I can do on my own.  I've been happy with just myself, my books and my cats.  However, his role in my life brings me joy.  I do not depend soley on Him to be happy, however, he is part of what makes me happy.

I think it works both ways.  Sometimes things I do make him happy, sometimes it's things he does on his own (video games, ect).  But it's a combination of all those things that make us both happy and content in our life together.


_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 11:59:58 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis

i don't know about "happy"  it reminds me of birthdays and mood, moreso than an overall condition.   i prefer to go for "content".



I tend to use the word "joy" for my base emotional status. Happiness is like bubbles in root beer. They are fun but fleeting. Happiness is a birthday gift being unwrapped. Joy is the constant inner awareness that life is worth living regardless of what my day has been like. I can tap into my joy to bring myself out of a mild depression, if needed.

I am responsible for my basic emotional well-being. Others can make me happy or unhappy, but they cannot change my basic emotional status unless I allow them to.

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 12:14:29 PM   
GrizzlyBear


Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have been reading some threads about who has it easier and who has it harder in Ds relationships. This thread is not directly about that, it is about happiness, peace, and contentment.

This came to my mind because several people seemed to think that the dominant in the relationship is responsible for the happiness, peace, and contentment of the submissive...

Dominants, do you feel as though it is your responsibility to make a submissive happy?



I don't feel that it possible, let alone a responsibility, for anyone to  make another person happy.  A person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness, and much of that is simply the decision to be happy instead of deciding to be miserable, discontented, unsatisfied.  However it is certainly possible to make another person UNhappy, and I do feel that the dominant bears some responsibilty for that.  Some, not all.

If I cannot be happy without a submissive, what suggests the simple addition of a suitably pliable masochistic slut will suddenly make me so?  And what suggests that a submissive who cannot be happy without the dominant of her dreams won't remain unhappy, if he is not doing her just exactly as she wanted.  Or even if he is!

If we are already happy, a suitable relationship just increases our enjoyment.  If we are not happy then no relationship is by itself going to solve that.

Ultimately I am happy because I choose to be.  And if some person is trying to make me unhappy it is my own responsibility to remove them from my life, or alter the relationship in some way that eliminates their ability to affect me.  I see no reason that it should be any different for any one else.

I do believe that two people who have pledged a commitment have a responsibility to not do things they know will make the other unhappy.  That is not the same as always doing what makes them happy, nor is it the same as only requiring that a submissve do things she wants to do. 


_____________________________

GrizzlyBear

"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came. He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 12:16:00 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Well, Kyra and Ownedgirlie have the exact same thoughts as I do, so I'll just add this little piece and be done.

As soon as someone else becomes responsible for 'my' happiness, I'm pretty much screwed, because then what am I supposed to do when they are no longer a force in my life? Never be happy again?

T'aint my style.

Celeste


well advances in science and technology is pretty incredible these days...

what you got to do is have a computer program designed to replicate the person that you happiness is dependent on....


then install this software and all the computer type stuff into a lifelike doll that feels and and moves just like the real thing

this is so much better than the wax dolls and tape recordings of the past... or even the blow up dolls *G*

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Happiness - 10/28/2006 1:38:37 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Yeah, I kind of agree with Mavis.  I don't really do happiness and its just not a goal that interests me.  I've learned, through various techniques, to be content in varied circumstances and take my own peace of mind seriously.  If I can't feel the joy, then I can appreciate the sublime or take pride in my ability to endure.  I do this with or without a domlyman in my life.  Being a masochist-and I dont just mean in the sense of converting physical pain into pleasure, but more broadly-has certainly been a factor in this.

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 10/28/2006 1:54:04 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 40
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