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Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/27/2006 11:08:02 PM   
kollin


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.  
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/27/2006 11:11:56 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Be yourself and let your own fantasies fly.  Trying to live up to what "the scene" will tell you that you should do will only make you more exhausted and confused.  If you're a decent guy who communicates well, takes it slow and learns- you'll be fine.

Read up of course and get out and explore, but the essentials that will make you a good dom are the ones that already make you a good husband.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/27/2006 11:14:30 PM   
aellea


Posts: 91
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		being a dom doesn't mean you have to have humiliation or degraduation in your life.  do what you both enjoy and go from there.  ask your sub for feedback on what she desires and needs.  talk to other dominants to see what their views and thoughts are.  there is no set manner that a dominant has to be.  i wish you much happiness and fun

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/27/2006 11:45:54 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin
I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy.

My first reaction is to suggest that you do more research. There are plenty of places where you'll find submissives treated with respect. Also, you don't need to define your relationship hitting, spanking, whipping, etc. Dominance expressed in a whisper can be quite powerful if you do it right.

Ask your wife about the resources she's used to learn about submission. Learn what it is about it that appeals to her.

Dominance takes many forms, as does submission. Figure out what works for her. Figure out what works for you. See what you can work out.

Experiment. Trust each other. And most of all, don't forget to have fun.

Good luck,
Rex

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 12:04:32 AM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom.

Welcome here, and welcome to beginnerhood.  We were all there, once upon a time.
quote:

I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful?

FWIW, I am unfailingly polite to anyone who is not being actively rude - and I don't tolerate rudeness in my submissives (or my acquaintences, for that matter).  Degredation is remarkably optional, as well.

What it takes to be dominant is, simply, to dominate.  Not berate, not yell, not call names - simply be the boss, and accept nothing but absolute obedience.

"Darling, I'd really like a blowjob.  Now."  Not an everyday command, but often enough for her to remember just who is in charge, and take your pleasure as you wish.  It's not all about sex - not at all - but sex is a pretty fun place to start, and gives me an easy example - this basic outline works fine for just about anything that you *really* want.  Insist that she do something she's usually been reluctant to do - and remind her that it's no longer her decision, that now, YOU are the boss.  And accept no substitutes, no sulkiness, nothing but enthusiastic compliance with your orders.

"Oh, honey - that was really lackluster, and we both know you're capable of better.  I see we need some practice.  Now, you're going to come to your knees, gracefully, - like *this*.  You'll unzip me like so, lick just *there* before you take me into your mouth, and use your hands like *so*.  Okay, that was better.  Zip me up again, carefully, and stand up - we'll do it again until we're both sure that you know how it should be done."  The more specific you can be about what you want and how you want it, the easier it will be for her to find her submissive side, and the more fun you'll both have with it.  A LARGE part of this is to never accept mediocre - both you and she are worth more attention to detail than that.  Do keep in mind that you have to know what you want (at least, what you want right now) before you can expect her to deliver it.  Besides - depending on what you're having her practice, it can be wonderful for both of you.

quote:

I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.

Act as if it's an everyday thing - that you'll get exactly what you tell her you want, exactly how you tell her you want it.  Like a good executive who trusts their assistant to do an excellent job of whatever they need - never rude, never losing your cool - just a simple expectation of having perfection laid in your lap.

Punish?  That's something you two should discuss a lot first - it should be a possiblity, but if it's not part of what she's looking for, you need to know that, and use it sparingly.  If it's part of what gets her hot, use it as frequently as you can while remaining fair enough for your own self-image.

Let things slide?  Never.  If she's down with the flu and has a temp of 102F, take that into account - but never, ever, accept less than the best she can do.  That's the easiest (and probably most common) mistake any dominant can make - going easy on someone when what they crave is to be held to high standards - and show that they can meet them.

Again, welcome aboard - and feel free to ask any questions that come up.  This is what most of us here live for - showing off what we know.

Midnight Writer


_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 12:21:55 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I've never hit my boy, yet I am completely dominant over him.  There are far more things you can do to show your dominance that do not involve punishment or pain. I'd say first find out what it i she wants to experiment with, before you do your next round of research.  Maybe it would be easier to decide on a scene or activity youd like to try together and then look specifically that up. Maybe it just has to be as simple as a change in how you speak to her or how you take command of a situation... find out what she is thinking and what brought up your sudden desire to delve into the world of BDSM.
After you have more information, and understand your motivations better, research should be far simpler to do. Then, youl find more of what you want, and less of the behavior that you detest.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 6:45:01 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Most of the male doms I know are loving, caring gentlemen who treat their slave accordingly.  Now, in certain play aspects they can be a bit more edgy and that may come, in time, with you.  But they are not rude or thoughtless or degrading their subs.  I would suggest talking to real people and not looking at fantasy erotica.  Do a bt more research and you will find that there are plenty of men who are perfect gentlemen and still are dominant. 

Now, you need to figure out if this is something that you want to do because you enjoy it or if you are just pleasing your partner.  If you want to do it, though, read, get involved, experiment and have fun.  Get your own way of doing what you want to do and be happy in that.  You don't have to measure yourself against any "standard" domliness...since there really isn't one.  Good luck.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 7:19:43 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.  


There is a big difference betweening Dominating and Topping.

Just because you flog, crop, cane or otherwise cause sensations onto another... Doesn't equate to Dominating the person.

Just because you recieve a flogging, cropping caning or otherwise receieve sensations from anotheer Doesn't equte to submitting.

many equate  Dominating and Topping... Submitting and Bottoming.  they different... very different.  However they coexist rather nicely in alot of cases.  BUT\, just because they coexist doesn't make them the same.  One doesn't have to go far to see relationships or situations that they that can be seperated apart.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 7:39:57 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful?


Rudeness and degradation are all in the eye of the beholder.  There are probably a lot of things that my Lord does to me that others would find degrading or rude if it was done to them.  However, I do not consider it to be rude or degrading.  Just because you might think it doesn't mean that the couple doing it does. 

And just to throw a monkey wrench into it, there are some, dominant and submissive alike, who get off on the rudeness and degradation.

Knight's kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 10/28/2006 7:40:38 AM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 8:28:42 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		First off, throw your PC out the window, online research is for the most part worthless, these forums have SOME good advice but since you don't know enough to tell yet...

Buy the following books
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book
Screw the Roses
The Loving Dominant

If you actually read them you will know more than 80% of the people who post here.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 9:38:41 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.  



Hey kollin,

This may sound like playing with words but I assure you that it isn't.

One of the ways to respect a woman is to respect her desire or even psychological need for pain or other experiences which would in more conventional contexts be considered abuse.

I'm not reccomending throwing over your standards for your own behavior. Any possible revision to those is your business. I am suggesting you make more room in your views of what constitutes respect and respectful behavior when it comes time to apply those concepts to the intimate interactions of two consenting adults.

I'm all for maintaining a degree of social decorum. That said, the fact that you won't appear naked on Main Street doesn't mean that you're a hypocrite for doing so in private with another person who would like nothing more than to share this experience with you.

Good luck with things. Please take your time.

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 9:40:30 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		HMM respectfull to the slave, can you??

My Master has never been anything but respectfull sooo.... I guess it can be done

Magik's respected slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 9:43:46 AM   
fantasy69maker


Posts: 86
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline 		opps

< Message edited by fantasy69maker -- 10/28/2006 9:44:51 AM >

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 9:50:29 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Damn that was well said...

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 10:06:55 AM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		No one can teach you better than your sub.  What are her fantasies?  What gets her going?  How does she respond to the things you do?  You will be able to go further and deeper as time goes on.  In the earlier stages with my Master, there were things He was very cautious about, particularly humiliation and degradation, as He didn't want to casue me true harm..  i think He just observed my responses over time until now, He can really let the degradation and humiliation fly, confident that what He is doing is bringing me exstacy and not harm.  Just take it slow and watch her.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 10:28:42 AM   
kollin


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		I would like to thank everyone for their comments thay have all helped tremendously. Further coments are welcomed and if anyone would like to chat farther, please fell free to send me a chat invitation. I am more than willing to listen and hopefully learn.
Kollin 

(in reply to darksdesire)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/28/2006 10:31:23 AM   
fantasy69maker


Posts: 86
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ask your self two questions.
Are are you the Dom in your relationship? Do you lead the relationship?If the answer is yes your gold!If not its going to be a lot harder.
Think of a supervisor that leads without being rude or degrading thats your example.
Now comes the hard part .You have to really really get into your wifes head you have to know more about what she wants that she does. When you do  take her there ! Your relationship will appear  magical!

(in reply to fantasy69maker)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/29/2006 6:11:04 AM   
Midearthtrainer


Posts: 67
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		In addition to those books recommended by CrappyDom, you should also include:

Different Loving

Something that the both of you can read and discuss that which intrigues, as well as that which disgusts and those that might be.
As everybody has touched on, figuring out whether it is something that is in your heart or something you are doing for your partner, will determine how much work you need to put into making this work.
"More volume does not a Dominant make"
There is no need to become a D.I. if that is not what your realtionship is currently about. Entering into a D/s or a M/s relation takes communication, communication, communication from BOTH sides (D/s-Dominant/submissive  M/s-Master/slave).
It takes alot of ingenuity to keep the relationship going in a D/s or M/s mode.
Think of  it as simple as a victorian or maybe a 1950's type of household, where the man is the Master of the House. Your dominance over your wife does not have to involve sex every minute. "Darling put a little makeup on, make it light, we are going out in 20 minutes. That white top, that blue skirt, those nude color stockings and those black shoes will work fine." Statements like that, by you, are just as important to the everyday reinforcement of your wife's submission as that other example - blowjob. Yes, the expectation of her doing her best is the right way to get and keep things going. It is your JOB to get her to doing her best, exactly as you like it. That includes everything that shes does - How she walks, talks, sits, stands, eats and dresses(including makeup). If any of that is already to your liking, then there is no need to change it. If there is room for improvement then, you are there to help her be her best in that area.
Also remember, that if she has some skills that are better than yours and that is how your relationship is currently structured, then by all means let her continue. There is no Dom/Master that is a wiz in all areas.There is no one right way to any BDSM related relationship. The two of you will develop your own way of doing things.
The thing I suggest the most, after you have determined that this IS what you want in your realtionship, is to seek out a local group that has munches(meet and greet gatherings, that newcomers are welcome). There you might find someone that you can relate to and glean information from. Having someone to lean on, or even a mentor is always helpful. It can work for you as well as her; with the two of you having different mentors/different groups to help the two of you grow.
Knowing the other enough that a mere look, can set certain actions in motion, is something that you do already to one degree or another. Why not take it to another level? Your job now, is to get to know what triggered this interest in D/s or even M/s. With that you will also find out what areas interest her, what areas interest you and what areas the both of you have in common. Truth, Honesty and communication are the pillars of any realtionship. Those are MORE important in establishing a GOOD, Lasting D/s or M/s realtionship. When the both of you can answer this question on what it means to yourself, on more than one level, discussing it between yourselves, then you have a start:
Can you stand naked before Master at all times?

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/29/2006 1:42:17 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		dominance
4 entries found for dominance.
Main Entry: dom·i·nance
Pronunciation: 'dä-m&-n&n(t)s, 'däm-n&n(t)s
Function: noun
1 : the fact or state of being dominant : as a : dominant position especially in a social hierarchy b : the property of one of a pair of alleles or traits that suppresses expression of the other in the heterozygous condition c : the influence or control over ecological communities exerted by a dominant
2 : functional asymmetry between a pair of bodily structures (as the right and left hands)

submission
One entry found for submission.
Main Entry: sub·mis·sion
Pronunciation: s&b-'mi-sh&n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin submission-, submissio act of lowering, from submittere
1 a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also : something submitted (as a manuscript)
2 : the condition of being submissive , humble, or compliant
3 : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another


Everything else is just kink and how anyone plays with that is up to the invidual. Have fun in your exploration

< Message edited by slavejali -- 10/29/2006 1:43:08 PM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Midearthtrainer)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 10/29/2006 2:06:32 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.  


First of all my question is are you looking anywhere but porn sites or erotic stories because places like this show that respect is pretty much a given in a healthy D/s life.

My suggestion is for you and your wife have long and detailed talks about what both of you want, like and are wanting in this life. Is it just bedroom play or carried over to other aspects, how she wants to be treated, what to her is degrading or disrespectful. If she is serious which from how you wrote your message she seems to be the leader in this then I think what you are thinking is bad is what she is actually wanting on some type of level.

Read boards like these. Read how many women love the things that are talked about. Maybe seek out your local community. Part of the life that most do have to overcome on a certain level for each is to stop listening to society's preaching and listen to their own.




_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to kollin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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