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knkywch -> RE: a little something I don't understand (2/3/2005 12:44:50 PM)
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Leonidas:
BINGO! I used to be stuck on the little dinghy of monogamy and then chose to swim the rough waters of discomfort, exploring multi-person relationships and open relationships. Now, I am happily in a solid relationSHIP where there is room for lots of people and experiences. My husband and I don't say we're monogamous or polyamorous or give it a label. Rather, we have made the care and growth of each other and of the relationship a core value. I have a wise friend who advised that if you want to be in a healthy, happy, successful relationship all you need to do is find out what your partner wants -- and give it to them (or at least be willing to support them in getting what they want). Bottom line is SO SO simple. I love someone. I want them to be happy MORE than I want whatever it is I may want from them (to do something, to stay, to act a certain way... whatever). That (for me) is the difference between the dinghy (where there's no room to move, no room for anybody else, and the potential for unnecessary power struggles, painful dramas, and a kind of claustrophobic dependence) and the relationSHIP.
Recently, I was contacted by someone on Collarme who is in the cycle you summarized in your post - and in total denial of it.
I get that there a lot of people who think that just because they love someone they must stay in a marriage or living situation with the other even though needs aren't being met. The "clandestine fulfillment of the uncommunicated needs" (hell, sometimes they're even communicated!) is the poisonous kicker. Someone always THINKS that they can pull off the deception such that they meet their own needs AND the "beloved" other won't get hurt. But eventually, the truth surfaces. It always does. And by not owning one's behavior ahead of time, when the truth surfaces, the person deceived ends up experiencing far more hurt than they would have in the first place if only the deceiver had owned up to what s/he wanted along with his/her intended actions BEFORE they acted.
I feel deeply grateful that I can tell my partner ANYTHING knowing that both of us are coming from a place of loving support for each other and the relationship. Pretty freakin' cool. And I'm BEYOND grateful to be out of the flippin' dinghy... <grin>
Thanks for providing a great springboard for my litte rant,
kw
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