RiotGirl
Posts: 3149
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Master has owned my heart, body, and soul for as long as i remember. I've wrestled with him over all of it, trying to take them back at times. (its not easy to come to terms with) Yet it always seems, in the end, they are his. He has owned my soul through and through yet, these days not so much. After he moved out it was very tough on me and i was sinking and i knew i had to take them back or i would drown. I know being "spirtually connected" seems like a lot of hog wash for me, but it seems the weekend before i saw him and thinking this - was the weekend he gave them back (partially) It was freeing almost, i started moving forward, continueing on with my life and letting go of him. Things are back on track and while he owns me, i can still feel the difference. Like we are seperate entities. I think he understands that for me to function with out him, i need "me" to be able to do so. We play alot, and have our times (good and bad) and our bonding and our deep moments, but its not to the same level as before. Our psuedo seperation was really helpful. When he's here, if i dont hold back, i fall in. <shrugs> i cant help it. The world just majikally starts to revolve around him again (yet again, not to the same degree as before). Now i am able to walk myself back. Maybe one day, he will come back in and things will reach the level they were before. I'm not quite sure if i want that as i like having me, but i do remember some of the beauty in it. It was tough and hard, but with moments of absolute beauty. To be owned so fully, that every thought leads back to him, to no matter his will, his will be done (in one form or another) To where every thought, movement, feeling be completely centered around one human being. To completely live for one human being? Its beautiful and scary to be so totally dependent upon them. Maybe one day, if things work out and all goes according to my plan <wicked grin.. always gots to have a plan!> it would be a great place to go back to. For now, i'm busy and keep myself in a place that i can control and function from. Though on a side note of hilarity - when i was 14 i sold my soul away for an unlimited supply of crank to my 16 year old boyfriend who swore he could bring up a demon. Course i sorta pissed off the demon because i thought it was ludicrious and well i never got my unlimited supply. Master has told me, after i described the situation that it was as bogus as i ever thought. P.S. God doesnt own my soul, nor does he want too. That is why he gave me free will. To choose who to follow. My relationship with God is not an owned or not owned status. Its a running dialogue, of some one that is involved in my life and knows whats best for me even beyond whati know. He gives freely and doesnt really ask anything in return. i do not HAVE to pledge loyalty to him. All he would like, is that i am on his "side". When that final count of souls comes up. He asks that i not fall to the other side and let the devil in. He wants mostly, for me to come to him when i need help and realise i cant do it alone = ) And God is very patient. He doesnt want to own me. What he really wants and what he's warned me of is "Putting others before him" I had a specific terrible dream of that and he got his point across.
< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 10/30/2006 5:09:29 PM >
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