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communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:35:33 PM

Dnomyar

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I think that we all agree with a few exceptions that communication is inportant in a sucessful relationship. As we know with a few exceptions of course that sometimes communication breaks down. Are there ways to restore that communication or should we just move on?

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:37:56 PM

Kalira

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From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I think that we all agree with a few exceptions that communication is inportant in a sucessful relationship. As we know with a few exceptions of course that sometimes communication breaks down. Are there ways to restore that communication or should we just move on?

I believe that there is always a way to restore communication within a relationship; providing of course that ALL parties are willing to put aside personal differences and talk honestly.

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Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:39:43 PM

emdoub

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Restoring communication?

Speak honestly, and give the other person space in which to do so.

It's simple, but not always easy.

Midnight Writer

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:41:36 PM

Dnomyar

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Kalira thats not likely to happen very much in a Dom/sub relationship. Egos get in the way.

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:43:19 PM

MagiksSlave

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Erm might this one ask what the exeptions are Sir??

Magik's slave

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:43:33 PM

masteralyn

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With all the technology that we have now a days it is still hard to maintain open and honest communication. In order to restore both people would have to do want to do it and then actually give each other the space to actually hear each other out. Sometimes not so easy however I believe that if both people do it then the relationship will be deeper and better. Just my opinion.

(in reply to emdoub)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:44:01 PM

Kalira

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Kalira thats not likely to happen very much in a Dom/sub relationship. Egos get in the way.

Hmm, no offense, but if you truly think that way, then you have not seen some really good relationships that exist between Dominants/Masters and their submissives/slaves.

My best friend is a Gorean slave; her and her Master have had their ups and downs in regards to communication. I wish that I could be as good at it as they are. His ego never gets in the way of keeping the relationship going, and vice versa.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 7

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:45:08 PM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I think that we all agree with a few exceptions that communication is inportant in a sucessful relationship. As we know with a few exceptions of course that sometimes communication breaks down. Are there ways to restore that communication or should we just move on?

In every relationship, there is going to be a point where communication breaks down. Sometimes, its from misunderstanding, others it just not paying attention. If you just give up every time communication breaks down, then you'l miss out ona lot of good relationships.
The important part is making sure communication isnt breaking down more than it is being used properly. If thats the case, then I usualy give up. But thats just me.

DV

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 4:57:11 PM

MsKatHouston

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First one needs to recognize that there actually is a breakdown. That's half the battle. Then you go about fixing it with open, honest communication where each person both contributes and listend to the other. As stated easy concept...not as easy to put into practice once a break down occurs. But, it does happen and if you typically have good communication, these minor setbacks can be remedied.

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:10:41 PM

Dnomyar

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ok the breakdown has occured. (not mine) Should a person try to fix it on their own or seek advice on how to repair it.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:13:38 PM

Kalira

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

ok the breakdown has occured. (not mine) Should a person try to fix it on their own or seek advice on how to repair it.

When a breakdown in communication occurs, it is never the fault of just ONE person; all involved MUST take responsibility.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 11

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:20:35 PM

Sinergy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Kalira thats not likely to happen very much in a Dom/sub relationship. Egos get in the way.

Hello Dnomyar,

You state that "Egos get in the way" as an infinitive.

Some people refuse to let their ego get in the way. I myself want what is mine to be open and honest and make every effort to encourage her to speak her mind.

What I will do is indicate that I also have a time where she needs to let me speak my mind.

Communication between two people is a skill like any other. What I have found is most effective is to stop using the word "you" as much as I use the word "I."

For example:

Person 1: "You really piss me off when you starch my jockstrap!"
Person 2: "Why dont you wash your own jockstrap, dickhead!"

And the conversation goes downhill. The fact that Person 1 put Person 2's feelings in control of their emotions is where Person 1 loses control of the conversation.

An opposite approach is

Person 1: When you starch my jockstrap, I get chafed testicles and jock itch, would you please put it in with the non-starch wash?"

Person 2: (Knowing they dont want Person 1 to have jock itch) "I will try to remember to do that."

Person 1: "Thank you"

Egos get in the way, in my opinion, when people refuse to take ownership of their own feelings. I have a massively huge ego, and you know what, I am not going to let somebody else control my own feelings. The ego is not the problem. What is the problem is what you do with it.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 12

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:22:24 PM

Kalira

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Hmm, nicely said sinergy

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Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 13

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:22:55 PM

MsKatHouston

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From: Houston, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

ok the breakdown has occured. (not mine) Should a person try to fix it on their own or seek advice on how to repair it.

I generally try to fix it on my own. If it does not work, then I maight go try outside help. But if all parties are willing and try, I don't see why there would be a need for others to assist. If it gets really bad, a mediator might be a good idea, though so the waters are not muddied further.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 14

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:25:15 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar
Kalira thats not likely to happen very much in a Dom/sub relationship. Egos get in the way.

Either you allow the ego to get in the way, or you don't, when trying to mend ANY relationship. If you want to talk, extend yourself. It's then up to the person to respond...or not.

Master Fire

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:37:28 PM

Mavis

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Honestly, if people don't communicate well with each other, going to a third party is just one more person they can't communicate effectively with.

Counsellor friend of mine says for the most part, if a cpl comes to them and can communicate with them in office, they already HAD all the skills they needed to fix it themselves at home. It makes sense to me.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 16

RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:38:49 PM

gypsygrl

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From: new york state
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I'm a big fan of using "I-statements" instead of "you-statements." Its part of a general desire to avoid 'blame games' and stuff like that.

In general, I find that in most areas, when communication breaks down, if its only a communication problem, its pretty safe to set the issue aside and come back to it later. Those kinds of problems are like dirty dishes: if ya ignore them, they don't go away. They'll be there waiting when you're ready to deal with them. Often time is enough to restore communication.

Sometimes, however, constant communication breakdowns point to deeper problems, like basic value conflicts or lingering baggage that one or the other may bring to the relationship. These are harder to deal with and may indicate a need to do some basic foundational work. Whether or not this work is worth it depends on how much the parties have invested in the relationship. Sometimes, it makes sense to just agree to disagree, other times couples counseling or some other method is appropriate and other times ending the relationship is the best option. Whether seeking the advice of a third party is a good thing to do depends on the nature of the relationship and the nature of the problem. In general, though, getting another perspective or someone's advice, is no substitute for talking directly and listening hard to what the person youre having a problem with has to say. The only time I've sought out advice on that kind of issue is when I was at wits end and effective communication had pretty much come to a halt.

(in reply to Sinergy)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 5:47:18 PM

LaTigresse

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Most of my opinions on the subject have been touched on by the others before me but I will add my own twist.....just for kicks.

I am watching a very loved young couple go thru a difficult time right now, I have no idea where the relationship will end up. They have two children together so it is a fact that at some point they are going to have to communicate. Up till now, they both SUCK at communicating in a positive manner. One has always been very shy and reserved even though their family is the opposite. The other comes from a family where deep honest communication is a foreign concept. Now they are at an impasse, a make or break point. Either they put the ego of hurt feelings, anger, and blame aside and start working towards a more honest relationship or it will never work.

I don't think it is ever really too late to begin communicating regardless of where the relationship ends up. In my opinion a person that allows their ego to get in the way needs to work on themselves in addition to the relationship issues.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to gypsygrl)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 6:29:37 PM

juliaoceania

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Good communication is a learned skill. Some of us get it growing up, most of us don't. Add in the way we communicate as a culture, most people do not feel safe being vulnerable with each other from what I can see. When you find someone that makes you feel safe to be honest with them, hold on tight and do not let go!

I am being taught how to communicate in new ways by my Daddy, ways that make me more vulnerable and increase intimacy and decrease anger between us. It is something that has to be worked on every day from what I can see. There have been momentary lapses in good communication when I did not know how to say what I wanted to say, but this was worked on.

Communication takes more than one person, and if a couple want there to be honest communication it can always be restored, but that takes effort for both people. If you do not want there to be vulnerablity and honesty, there will not be. If you want there to be vulnerablity and honesty you have to demonstrate these things so your partner will feel safe to do so too. Be the person you want to be with, it really works well.

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 6:53:49 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I give it a little time which gives me perspective to focus and readjust my approach. Negative emotions cloud everything so its best to make sure you get the whole picture before moving forward with them.

I also think people need to get to the root of what the actual problem is, not ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist. And I think people need to make a resolution on things- everyone needs to agree on what was discussed and what changes they will enact in their BEHAVIOR in the future. If communication doesn't come to some resolution, it often comes back to bite you on the ass and just makes things feel more frustrated rather than resolved.

It also helps make things into a concrete goal- if you fail to do the behavior you agreed to change, it's something that can be pointed out immediately, rather than just fishing around.

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