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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 7:30:57 PM

Mavis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
give it a little time which gives me perspective to focus and readjust my approach. Negative emotions cloud everything so its best to make sure you get the whole picture before moving forward with them.

I also think people need to get to the root of what the actual problem is, not ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist. And I think people need to make a resolution on things- everyone needs to agree on what was discussed and what changes they will enact in their BEHAVIOR in the future. If communication doesn't come to some resolution, it often comes back to bite you on the ass and just makes things feel more frustrated rather than resolved.

It also helps make things into a concrete goal- if you fail to do the behavior you agreed to change, it's something that can be pointed out immediately, rather than just fishing around.

That is so important LA, a resolution and a concrete goal. In the past, Hubby and i had a LOT of communication.. He communicated things that pissed Him off, i communicated things that pissed me off, W/we also both communicated things that made us very happy. What W/we didn't do was take those things and GO someplace with them.

W/we didn't choose to make changes on the bads, or even made solid points about reinforcing the good stuff, it's as if we just made notes as life went along, then put those notes in a drawer someplace. i scratch my head now and wonder how that escaped us.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 7:38:10 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Kalira thats not likely to happen very much in a Dom/sub relationship. Egos get in the way.

Glad I'm not in that kind of D/s or M/s relationship. My Master and I have a mutual respect that most people (myself included) only dream of. He has told me that if I feel that I can't be truthful and open with Him, we shouldn't be together in the first place.

Egos only get in the way when someone feels they have to "prove" something. I'm glad Daddy doesn't feel He has to belittle me or my feelings, huff and puff, beat His chest, or pee a circle around something to prove He's "the boss" or that He is right.

Just my 2 cents...

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 8:03:37 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
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People also have to remember that communication does not equal flapping the gums. It involves being internally honest about your feelings and issues, openly and honestly expresssing them, and then listening to your parter to ensure that you not only expressed them clearly but that they truly understand what you were trying to convey.

It also involves listening to not only the words comming out of your partners mouth but their body language, the symbolism they are using so that you can not only ensure you are clearly hearing what they are saying but also listening for what they cannot or will not say.

There is much more than this to communicating but most people cannot even manage the above.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 9:14:04 PM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I think that we all agree with a few exceptions that communication is inportant in a sucessful relationship. As we know with a few exceptions of course that sometimes communication breaks down. Are there ways to restore that communication or should we just move on?

I'm only able to speak for my relationship but communication is always restored when it breaks down. Egos do not get in the way (I don't really have an ego when it comes to him). Honesty is imperitive. I must understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling it, and then be able to express it to him so that he can also understand. Sometimes this takes a few attempts, in which case I must be patient with myself. He's a smart man - if he isn't understanding what I'm trying to say, then I just need to find another way of saying it.

Sometimes he chooses to post pone the conversation to a time when our thoughts are more clear. When that happens, I spend that time contemplating what occurred and why, and what I might be able to do to prevent it from happening again. If I felt hurt in the conversation, I'll figure out why, and tell him.

There are also those times when I might get OCD on a subject and he'll decide it's time to drop it, at which time I will drop it....or....try...heh.

Your question of "moving on" struck me as something that might occur in a very new relationship that didn't matter very much. "Gee, we reached an impasse...have a nice life." is not something that would occur between my Master and I. Nor do I think it would occur between most mature and healthy relationships.

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/30/2006 10:46:23 PM

briska

Posts: 126
Joined: 7/12/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I think that we all agree with a few exceptions that communication is inportant in a sucessful relationship. As we know with a few exceptions of course that sometimes communication breaks down. Are there ways to restore that communication or should we just move on?

Communication can be restored when the two people involved in the relationship realize the relationship itself needs to be reexamined. Even if it's just one person telling the other that there needs to be a sit down conversation, and going from there, communication can be saved when both partners can talk and listen equally, as they need to. Usually once things calm down from whatever the communication barrier was (a fight, a misunderstanding, etc), you can get past the trespass (either just from communication, or the agreement of goals & future actions to correct the miscommunication), and continue. On the occaision that one person refuses to back off their stance, or to even see the lines of communication are even down, however, there's probably not much that can be done to save the relationship.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/31/2006 12:02:24 AM

LadyOunce

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Joined: 10/18/2006
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The problem is not with restoring communication but with rekindling the desire to work at it. Communication breaks down when one, or both, sides stops trying and more often than not, the desire to start over isn't there.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: communication in a relationship - 10/31/2006 7:44:31 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

People also have to remember that communication does not equal flapping the gums. It involves being internally honest about your feelings and issues, openly and honestly expresssing them, and then listening to your parter to ensure that you not only expressed them clearly but that they truly understand what you were trying to convey.

It also involves listening to not only the words comming out of your partners mouth but their body language, the symbolism they are using so that you can not only ensure you are clearly hearing what they are saying but also listening for what they cannot or will not say.

There is much more than this to communicating but most people cannot even manage the above.

Wise words there CD. One of the reasons I feel any sort of internet relationship is worthless to me. Words are just such a small part of communication for me I cannot get my head into it. I communicate better with a horse than with people on the net some days.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 27