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Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 11:51:55 AM

MasterDoc1

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As a dom for MANY years I would like some advice. A few years ago an out of town dom I knew leant to me, for a few sessions, a very bright, interesting and sexy submissive woman. Well, to put it bluntly, I mis"managed" her badly. For some bizarre, uncharacteristic (I think) reason I just didn't do ANYTHING right with her. Now once in a while I see her profile on CollarME. When I do I feel guilty and . I wonder if every time she sees me she thinks "That putz!?". Should I send a note of apology? I'm CERTAIN I wasn't so bad that it traumatized her and I'm not sure if I'd be writing in part to make MYSELF feel better ("I'm really not that terrible a dom, I promise" lol) but still: Is a formal apology appropriate? .

Post #: 1

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 11:58:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Apologies of this sort are never too late and if you are sincerely in the wrong and sincerely wish for nothing more than to give an apology, then by all means do so.

And do so with no expectation of what you receive.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MasterDoc1)

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RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 12:01:13 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
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I tend to lean toward apologizing. It will give you a sense of closure on the situation and may also make her feel better. However, be prepared for her not to take it gracefully or to have it dredge up bad feelings and you get told off and blocked. If that happens, just let it go. But if you do not feel apologizing would hurt the situation, I don't see why not. It might mend a bridge. Without knowing the details, how close you were, length of time that has passed, fall out after the fact, I can not really say with any certainty if it is the best way but those are some things you may want to think about before deciding. If you do send it, I would suggest saying something about how you do not plan on contacting her again and just wanted to use this opportunity to clear the air. She might get defensive and think you are stalking or whatnot without it. Ya just never know. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MasterDoc1)

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RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 12:02:32 PM

KatyLied

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It is never too late for a sincere, heartfelt apology. Good luck!

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(in reply to MsKatHouston)

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RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 12:19:41 PM

shadevarr

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Joined: 7/2/2006
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I too lean towards the apology, but do so with knowledge that you may not get a reply to it or even a nasty-gram in return. Even if the sub takes it badly, in time they will understand that it was a sincere apology and will be glad that you sent it. Too many Doms try to be assholes when they shouldn't.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 5

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 12:52:37 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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Honest heartfelt communication should not be frown upon. If you want to apologize to her then do that. I would just be clear that is all you are doing and not using it as a way to meet her again. How she reacts is up to her, what her feelings were toward the past situation between the two of you and her own character, it is not something you can control.

If you want closure in the situation and an apology will help, why not?

_____________________________

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(in reply to shadevarr)

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RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 1:58:04 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear MasterDoc1, Ladies and Gentlemen;

There are times, when good dominants and their best skills and techniques do not match up well with an entirely different slave/submissive that has been loaned out to them or vice versa.

Not much different then a personality conflict, in this case it seemingly was more of a technique and or style clash. It might be the slave is feeling much like you--that despite best efforts, everything went wrong.

An apology in a formal manner, to the owner of the slave, to include the slave's name; keeps everything open and on the table. Hide in the light. I always make it a practice of mine to ask a slave's owner permission to directly contact the slave. Some have no problems and some will be tickled pink that, you respect the owner as much as the slave in doing so.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MasterDoc1)

Post #: 7

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 3:13:30 PM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
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From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
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i would have apologised to the Dom and to the sub, an apology is always a nice thing, and what do you know perhaps she go around beliving she did somthing wrong, perhaps a good apology could help her over it, it is always good to get bad things out of the system instead of letting it fester.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 8

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 4:59:14 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterDoc1

As a dom for MANY years I would like some advice. A few years ago an out of town dom I knew leant to me, for a few sessions, a very bright, interesting and sexy submissive woman. Well, to put it bluntly, I mis"managed" her badly. For some bizarre, uncharacteristic (I think) reason I just didn't do ANYTHING right with her. Now once in a while I see her profile on CollarME. When I do I feel guilty and . I wonder if every time she sees me she thinks "That putz!?". Should I send a note of apology? I'm CERTAIN I wasn't so bad that it traumatized her and I'm not sure if I'd be writing in part to make MYSELF feel better ("I'm really not that terrible a dom, I promise" lol) but still: Is a formal apology appropriate? .

i agree with the others here. And true enough, you might get a nasty reply...or no reply....or you just might restore some of her respect for you. Could be worth the chance.

Good luck!

DG

(in reply to MasterDoc1)

Post #: 9

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 7:57:51 PM

Zensee

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Joined: 9/4/2004
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And remember - don't be spoiling a perfectly good apology with an explanation. 0

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Post #: 10

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 8:02:37 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I am going to go the other route and say I dont think that an apology NOW is a good idea. If things went bad and she got over it, an apology might dredge things upfor her that realy dont need to be brought back to the forefront. After all, it has been years. It might look a bit strange that after all this time of silence, you all of a sudden decide to randomly apologize for something you did back then. Personally, I'd let it lie.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Zensee)

Post #: 11

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 8:53:55 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zensee

And remember - don't be spoiling a perfectly good apology with an explanation. 0

LOL....that's right Zensee. No explanation needed

BTW....got some chocolate or flowers to go with it? Too funny

DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/2/2006 8:58:33 PM >

(in reply to Zensee)

Post #: 12

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 9:09:42 PM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
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I think an apology would be in order to her as well as to her owner or former owner, whatever the case may be. Wether you are forgiven or not is irrelevent, just the fact that you are accepting responsiblity and trying to make amends via a sincere apology, seems to me like the right thing to do.

~Thorns

_____________________________

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(in reply to MasterDoc1)

Post #: 13

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 9:38:25 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I am going to go the other route and say I dont think that an apology NOW is a good idea. If things went bad and she got over it, an apology might dredge things upfor her that realy dont need to be brought back to the forefront. After all, it has been years. It might look a bit strange that after all this time of silence, you all of a sudden decide to randomly apologize for something you did back then. Personally, I'd let it lie.

DV

Do you really think she got over it DV? Who said she got over it? It seems that females may forgive, but they really don't forget.

And so what if it dredges things up for her. Is it like it never happened? Randomly apologize for things he did back then? Yes! If that might result in peace for both him and her. What does he really have to lose?

Personally, if someone did a fucked up thing to me 2 months ago, a year ago, or 10 years ago....although i may have put it in the background.....i would most vehemently don respect for one who at least made some attempt at apology....even if just to say 'hey, maybe i f'd up'.

Not even sure where you are coming from with this.....

Oh btw...i doubt you will respond back to me as you never have when i have questioned you. But to be honest....that really doesn't surprise me. i have children older than you. Now....maybe THAT will get a response....

DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/2/2006 9:44:04 PM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 14

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 9:46:44 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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I never said she forgot, getting over something doesnt mean forgetting. Forgiving and forgetting is not simply a female trait.
This is my opinion. I have had things done to me which were let lie for years. When I finally had peace myself, gotten over what had hapened and relegated ot to a distant memory that no longer mattered to me... it was dredged back up becasue the person who had erred agasint me decided to clear his own conscience and apologize out of no where. While he might have felt better for it, I was a wreck for a long while since memories I really didnt want were brought back. Making yourself feel better at someome elses expense isnt always the best way to go.
If you have had no contact with this girl, and dont plan on taking it back up for any reason, then let sleeping dogs lie. Making yourself feel better MIGHT cause her grief. Maybe I am misreading this, and maybe it was a realy BAD session and not a hurtful one. IF its jus becasue you couldnt Dom her wel, and you think she was unsatisfied, than by all means say you were sorry that things didnt go better and let bygones be bygones. However, I realy do think that bringing up the memory of something that might be worse thana simple bad scene coud make problems for her.

to the OP: Was this simply a bad session where neither of you really got what you wanted? Or did something more serious happen?

DV

< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 11/2/2006 9:47:52 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 10:42:50 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

It seems that females may forgive, but they really don't forget.

Having gone through a divorce a few years ago, I can attest to the veracity of this statement. Brings back memories..."You prick, 7 years ago you did.....OI!!, I don't even remember where I lived 7 years ago let alone what I said.

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(in reply to adaddysgirl)

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RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/2/2006 11:06:24 PM

MasterDoc1

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Joined: 6/21/2005
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Well I'm back and believe it or not the subject is closed already. Everyone here suggested I write with the exception of Diurnal. And, Diurnal, I believe I answered the question you asked in my original post when I wrote:
I'm CERTAIN I wasn't so bad that it traumatized her

Anyway I wrote to her and she responded in a totally gracious manner. I feel better for having apoligized and she at least feels no worse.
Thanks again to everybody for the advice. "Nuff said.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 17

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/3/2006 12:21:33 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I never said she forgot, getting over something doesnt mean forgetting. Forgiving and forgetting is not simply a female trait.

i am supposing this was directed toward me....and i can only say this. i do try to forgive...if for nothing else, than my own peace of mind. Do i forget? Oh...probably not.

This is my opinion. I have had things done to me which were let lie for years. When I finally had peace myself, gotten over what had hapened and relegated ot to a distant memory that no longer mattered to me... it was dredged back up becasue the person who had erred agasint me decided to clear his own conscience and apologize out of no where. While he might have felt better for it, I was a wreck for a long while since memories I really didnt want were brought back. Making yourself feel better at someome elses expense isnt always the best way to go

DV....if you truly found peace with yourself, you would probably not be a wreck if/when the issue came up again.

If you have had no contact with this girl, and dont plan on taking it back up for any reason, then let sleeping dogs lie. Making yourself feel better MIGHT cause her grief. Maybe I am misreading this, and maybe it was a realy BAD session and not a hurtful one. IF its jus becasue you couldnt Dom her wel, and you think she was unsatisfied, than by all means say you were sorry that things didnt go better and let bygones be bygones. However, I realy do think that bringing up the memory of something that might be worse thana simple bad scene coud make problems for her.

DV....it seems that somewhere, you are going off the deep end with this. i think the OP kind of wants to 'take it back' (although he realizes he never can do that....he is trying to do the next best thing.) Sure....atoning on his part while trying to make BOTH HIM AND HER feel better MIGHT cause grief.....but maybe not.

Maybe you are just misreading this.....

DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/3/2006 12:57:24 AM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 18

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/3/2006 12:50:48 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterDoc1

Well I'm back and believe it or not the subject is closed already. Everyone here suggested I write with the exception of Diurnal. And, Diurnal, I believe I answered the question you asked in my original post when I wrote:
I'm CERTAIN I wasn't so bad that it traumatized her

Anyway I wrote to her and she responded in a totally gracious manner. I feel better for having apoligized and she at least feels no worse.
Thanks again to everybody for the advice. "Nuff said.

Glad to hear that MD. Now....as far as 'nuff said'....well, i'm not so sure about that!

DG

(in reply to MasterDoc1)

Post #: 19

RE: Apoligize formally or just let it lay? - 11/3/2006 12:55:02 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

It seems that females may forgive, but they really don't forget.

Having gone through a divorce a few years ago, I can attest to the veracity of this statement. Brings back memories..."You prick, 7 years ago you did.....OI!!, I don't even remember where I lived 7 years ago let alone what I said.

Well, you might not remember Arpig but she sure does

DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/3/2006 12:59:29 AM >

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 20

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