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How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 4:50:59 PM

gipsydelight

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/2/2006
Status: offline

i met a Dom recently that i was very attracted to and we arranged to go out to dinner. After eating at the restaurant instead of going home he took me back to his place. That wasn´t regrettable in itself, we had a really magical scene together. Since then i´ve hardly heard a thing from him.
Its upset me really, more because i have been so silly.
He really used me and i should have seen it coming.
i didn´t ask enough questions beforehand and i realise now he plays the field.
How can you tell if someones going to be like that?
What did i do wrong?

Post #: 1

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:02:57 PM

carolsea

Posts: 185
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Honey, that's why we advise not playing on the first meeting. Don't go home with him, don't get into his car, say thank you and I'll talk to you another time.

There's no way to tell ahead of time. That's why we just have to be very very careful and very smart. Never, ever break your own rules.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you're very fortunate that it didn't go any farther. Just be thankful you used protection - that is, if you had sex with him.

You'll be wiser the next time!

Hugs

_____________________________

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 2

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:04:19 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

gosh i am sorry...((((hugs)))

that always smarts a little.....

you ask "how can you know"....well its the same in vanilla life...ask around, spend time, really get to know the person.

this fellow is not a clear communicator, so he is not very good dom/master material, so in many ways your dodged a bullet by having it end so quickly.

but i am sure that dose not help fix the ow-ie in your heart...

but time will....time and honest self appraisal....

ask yourself what values did you demonstrate in this experience?

what values did you run roughshod over?

what intuitive signs did you have?

why were you attracted to him?

you dont have to answer these here, but write them in a journal....and be really honest...try not to see yourself a victim of him or of circumstance...see it instead as a experience you co-created...learned from...got value out of...and can now move into the next experience with out baggage...

baggage is only the weight of painful experiences that have not been sorted through and evaluated.

every thing in life has something to teach, there are no failures....only results that further us toward our goals and results that lead us in the other direction...

so go get some chocolate Ben and Jerry's, have a good cry and a warm bath....and be honest with yourself, and take this experience as the wonderful gift that it really and truly is.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 3

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:05:14 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

Did you in fact do anything wrong, You state you had a magical scene, however there seems to be nothing further. Take from this the scene you enjoyed and move on.

In the future if you are looking for more than a play partner I would suggest you offering that information up front to the other party. They then have the choice to become involved or not.

If you find you are continually with players, then it is time to look within and see if you are really ready for a longer term relationship. Perhaps you are sending out mixed messages, perhaps you are not. However only you can look within and do some soul searching and sort out what messages you are sending and what you are expecting.

All the best and look at the glass as half full rather than half empty

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 4

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:07:25 PM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

The only way to avoid getting burnt is to play it safe, and how boring is that? Sure, you can be smarter about things, google their username, google their email address, use search in the forums, etc. But can you be sure that a given person will like you as much as you like him/her? No. Life would be boring if things were that easy.

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 5

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:07:49 PM

rrivrsong

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

hi, I happened to see your post come up on the main page scrolling thing, so I clicked over to read the rest of it. Welcome to Collarme.

A lot of folks believe it's generally better not to play with someone the first time you meet them, whether you are the dom, sub, top, bottom, or whatever. Sometimes that means being aware of a potentially vulnerable situation [like going to his house after dinner] and talking your way out of it however feels most comfortable for you. Most folks who respect you would respect that assertion pretty easily.

It's ok to recognize that you did something silly if you think you did, but don't dwell there. Chalk it up to a learning experience and you can know next time not to make the same mistake. He can't have used you unless you allowed yourself to be used - another learning experience.

You can't ever definitively tell before-hand if someone's going to be a player, or how serious they are about you. You just use common sense and date the person a few times to get to know who they are, and then you make decisions based on your perception of him.

I'm glad the scene was nice and I'm sorry he hasn't been in contact with you since then. I wish you the best of luck!

~river

edited to add that once I clicked "send" on my message, I found three other messages ahead of mine that basically said the same thing - didn't mean to repeat it all!

< Message edited by rrivrsong -- 11/2/2006 5:10:03 PM >

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 6

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:08:58 PM

ellecid

Posts: 18
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

Crouchingtigress.. what wonderful advice..... I may just take it myself:):)

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 7

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:09:53 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gipsydelight

i met a Dom recently that i was very attracted to and we arranged to go out to dinner. After eating at the restaurant instead of going home he took me back to his place. That wasn´t regrettable in itself, we had a really magical scene together. Since then i´ve hardly heard a thing from him.
Its upset me really, more because i have been so silly.
He really used me and i should have seen it coming.
i didn´t ask enough questions beforehand and i realise now he plays the field.
How can you tell if someones going to be like that?
What did i do wrong?

i don't know that you did anything 'wrong'.....but maybe you've learned it probably isn't a good idea to get that intimate on the first date (unless you are just looking for a casual play scene of course). So just rack it up to a lesson learned.

And honestly, his treating you that way...is more about him than it is about you. Trust me on that one

DG

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 8

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:12:44 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Men think with their dick--------women think with their pussy, but they call it a heart so it isn't raucous, and they can beat men over the head with it.............

Try to find some posts by searching LuckyAlbatross--- she always says take 6 months to think about it........

I kinda agree, and will say that frenzies can go past one or two or three relationships or more.............

Let's face it, if a woman ain't looking, they got that cold as hell thing going on---
But when they are on, god help any man that don't stink and don't drool and can use simple phrases...........

I don't intend to hurt anybodies feelings but presenting this in a garish light will hopefully put some fundamental pictures in someones head that will last for a while.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 9

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:14:57 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear gipsydelight, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eye, you should have had red flags up when the car wasn't going to take you straight home, IF that was the negotiated 'deal' when it came to meeting and dinner.

Once that car went to 'his' place you lost your control and your power, not only as slave/submissive but, as an adult woman.

To my mind's eye; if that was the negotiated deal, that it was dinner only--as soon as he aimed to his place; trust was violated. I wouldn't have tolerated it. Give an inch and they take a mile. Remember, trust is earned on both sides of the flogger. Its not a 'right' -- it is an honor.

Word is someone's bond--their truth. When they break that bond/truth, it is perhaps a good idea to seize back your power, as an adult woman. Just because you're slave/submissive--you're not an easy lay like a doormat with 'use me to rub it in' sign.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 10

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:20:23 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think there was any way to tell that he was going to use you like that. You obviously agreed to go home with him and play. You even admit that you enjoyed yourself. He just happened to be a player. There are players in vanilla dating and in bdsm dating circles. They most certainly don't advertise themselves as such. Unfortunately, the only way to find out that one is a player is when they don't return your call the next day. Enjoy it for what it was and move on.

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 11

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 5:40:55 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Look for red flags. A good dom will want to get to know you and earn some trust before jumping in. Some are into just casual play. Have to get that out in the open from the beginning.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 12

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 6:05:55 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

You just said you had a magical scene together. How exactly did he use you more than you used him? Did he ever promise you more than he gave you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: gipsydelight

He really used me and i should have seen it coming.

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 13

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 6:17:05 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You say you should have known better- looking back, why do you think that? If you can see where you should have known better- next time you need to just remember those things and you WILL know better.

And I agree with the others- were you led along by your own dreams, or by promises that he left unfulfilled?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 14

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 6:50:06 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

After eating at the restaurant instead of going home he took me back to his place. That wasn´t regrettable in itself, we had a really magical scene together. Since then i´ve hardly heard a thing from him.

Dear GD-

I would have to ask about how long it's been 'since then' and what exactly constiutes 'hardly heard a thing from him'. Has it been two days and one call/email? Sometimes one might have some distractions that keep one from reaching out promptly.

Have you done any reaching out yourself? I recently watched two aqquintances blow the begining of a promiseing romance, becase each tried to avoid being 'pushy' which the other saw as indifferance.

Seems to me that you had a nice dinner and a 'magical scene'. If nothing else comes of it, that's still a win in this world.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 15

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 7:00:02 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I don't know, but I think the only way you can avoid getting "burnt" is to change your expectations going in. I try to take each moment as it comes and appreciate it for its own merits and not as some step along the way to a relationship; to stay focused on whats before me so I can stay in the present. If the scene was magical, then why the regret? Because of some future that didn't happen? Focus on what is and let what will be take care of itself.

I don't want to sound harsh or anything, but I really don't think you did anything wrong or silly and I don't know that he did (I don't know if he made any promises going in to the meeting, but I would generally reccommend treating those kinds of promises with skepticism). That you're feeling used and like you got burned doesn't mean that there was anything especially exploitative going on. Personally, I get really nervous when a guy starts talking future plans based on a first meeting and, for me, at least, its often the reason why one-night stands are one-night stands.

But, all that aside, be good to yourself. :)

(in reply to gipsydelight)

Post #: 16

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 7:22:35 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

In my mind's eye, you should have had red flags up when the car wasn't going to take you straight home, IF that was the negotiated 'deal' when it came to meeting and dinner.

i learned this quickly LH. When i first started out and was going to meet someone new, i knew in my mind that i did not want it to be a sexual thing (for several reasons). Anyway, i guess i did not quite convey that to him....and well, it just kind of made things a bit uncomfortable, so to speak.

But once i realized this, i would actually 'negotiate' that into the first meeting. It did sound kind of weird at first....no sex, no scening, no play....whatever you want to call it....on the first meet. i more or less made it sound like i just wanted to get to know him better....to see if we clicked in other ways first. But i never had a problem after that.

As a matter of fact, when i first met one of my former partners out in CA (yes, from NY)....he actually wholeheartedly agreed with me, saying that he did not want me to think that all he was looking for was sex. He flew me out there and we spent a weekend talking and getting to know each other in many ways....with no sexual intimacy. It was great and just made us yearn for the next meet

If one can do it, i think it is a great idea to have a 'deal' in place for the first date. And any dom who respects (and accepts) that, will have me looking forward to more

DG

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 17

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 7:27:49 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I'm not really in agreement that you should have to wait, if you don't want to.
I've only had two Masters...and....well...the first one was very long distance. I travelled thousands of miles to meet him, I had been celibate for two years... and he is just a wonderful guy...and an innovative and inventive Dom...saying 'no' was not an option. He always treated me with chivalry, respect, and concern. He was and IS my friend.
My HoneyMaster made it clear almost from the moment we met, that He would treat me with love and respect, and that I would have nothing (unless I wanted to) to fear from Him. No matter what happens in the future, I expect to always be able to turn to Him as a friend.
That being said, I have made the mistake too many times in the past, of confusing fondness, or even lust, with love.
Be very careful not to do that. It only leads to heartache.
Good luck!

~Christina

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 18

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 7:31:14 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

You can never ever truly avoid getting burnt every time, we all every man or woman have been burnt at one time or another in our lives.What you need to do however is to try to minimize the frequency or intensity of the burnt factor..Try if you will to first always lead with your head, let your heart and desires take a back seat for a bit.Just know that somewhere down the line you will have to leap, either forward or away, and it will always come down to faith, faith in yourself and faith in him. Then you wait to see if you will be burnt once again...Tempting

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 19

RE: How can i avoid getting burnt? - 11/2/2006 7:33:49 PM

Powerman40

Posts: 510
Joined: 7/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think there was any way to tell that he was going to use you like that. You obviously agreed to go home with him and play. You even admit that you enjoyed yourself. He just happened to be a player. There are players in vanilla dating and in bdsm dating circles. They most certainly don't advertise themselves as such. Unfortunately, the only way to find out that one is a player is when they don't return your call the next day. Enjoy it for what it was and move on.

I have been a Player for most of my life... sad thing is.. they never return my call the next day either......sighs. must be the soft delicate manly hands......

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 20

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