Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

To talk or not


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> To talk or not Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
To talk or not - 11/3/2006 9:51:58 AM   
lilserenity


Posts: 41
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Where did we lose the place to communicate here.. I have had the opportunity to speak and get close to a person then all at once  they dump me because I questioned their communcations skills after no contact for two days not even a email.. I found this rude so I spoke my mind and told them it is one thing I did ask for daily contact and then I get dumped and told I had no trust in the person so they left. What in the world is happening here...Communication is a plau in any relationship good or bad,,if it has none then nothing will progress..I took this person to be a user and player  and walked away and  hes one that will never get my respect again but I just wonder tho if I hadnt said anything if it would of ahppened again,my answer  would of been probably... Now on to another communication issue...I started talking to another Dom and he also decided to take a leave for a weekend  and never emailed me,called me,or even Im'd me the whole time then a week later he emails me and says his mom had a heart attack and he went to be by her side..Well it took me by surprise and i felt bad for his situation but Im the type that worries and I worry because I lost a RT Master a week before we were to meet,he passed away  and it hurt me badly for a year,then when I came back i tried to  go on maybe its me maybe not but how do I deal with this situation,a phone call would of worked wonderfully but none were made,but I cant help but feel bad because of his emergency,do i forgive and wait or what? Its a toughie and i have lost sleep over thinking about this..There are so many fakes and wannabes online who play people by using emotional abuse and use all methods of disrespect to our friends to tell them  another side of the story to get  friends pity.. So now  we have a topic  Thank you all for any responses  means alot and hopefully I can sleep tonight..This person means alot to me and if it wasnt meant to be then so be it it wont be then,but I need communication daily to keep from worrying about them,may be from my past but I dont want to worry about anyone again...smiles ty and take care all  hugs serenity

_____________________________

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:00:39 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It was quite difficult to understand your post because of the run-on sentences and lack of paragraphs, but I think I get the essentials.

Think of the good side- these guys are showing you very obviously that they suck at good and steady communication.  Stop letting your feelings grow so strong so fast and forming unrealistic expectations of a cyber communication.

Unless someone is having the emergency THEMSELVES, it takes only a minute to call someone up and say "Hey, emergency, gotta go, call when I can."  If they don't think to do that- it pretty much shows how you rank on their priorities list AND is often a likely sign that they are having an affair with you.

If it IS their own emergency, you can use it as a warning sign of things to come and be watchful of future signs.  Repeated "emergencies" requiring no communication is a sign of someone not ready to commit.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:00:41 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Emotional abandonment can be hard to deal with...it's a huge fear for a lot of people...and a deal breaker for many (like me). Being upfront about your need for daily contact is a good thing. However, do understand that sometimes, people are in situations where they are away from computers and/or cell phones or whatever. What I do is to ask that, if they know they're going away, to tell me for how long so that not hearing from them for X days isn't a shock. Even so, sometimes, it just happens.

Expecting someone else to change for you isn't fair...and, because change is hard, it's unlikely to happen. The thing to do in these instances is to work with your stuff, not his stuff (because you can't change his stuff). Fear is a powerful thing...but until you try to get through it, the Universe (or your higher power) will simply keep sending you the same lesson. Take a look at this: Transforming Fear into Love

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:10:32 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		I have a difficult time understanding why you are so deeply in need of such constant contact with someone so early on in the game.

I think if someone questioned my "communication skills" simply because I DID in fact have another life and did not come bounding to my computer to send an email every single day.. I might have dumped that person too. Sometimes I am human and I need to take care of myself and my other obligations. Its called life and sometimes it happens.

I am not meaning to sound harsh here, but perhaps you need to have something more in your life so that you are not obsessing when someone has other needs to take care of outside of you.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:11:35 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		When I was looking for someone I put the onus on them to be in contact with me, I lived my life, I had no expectations from them, and if we ended up liking each other then it was all good, if not well it did not matter as I was not emotionally invested until they showed me it was safe to be.

What I read in your post is that you expect a lot from strangers on the internet that you do not know, and that is a recipe for disaster in my experience. Just because you are a submissive does not stop men from being men and women from being women. Having some mystery still applies to all brand new relationships, having your own identity and your own life outside of a computer and a phone is essential.

These are just my thoughts on the subject

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/3/2006 10:12:18 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:11:44 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

I have a difficult time understanding why you are so deeply in need of such constant contact with someone so early on in the game.

I think if someone questioned my "communication skills" simply because I DID in fact have another life and did not come bounding to my computer to send an email every single day.. I might have dumped that person too. Sometimes I am human and I need to take care of myself and my other obligations. Its called life and sometimes it happens.

I am not meaning to sound harsh here, but perhaps you need to have something more in your life so that you are not obsessing when someone has other needs to take care of outside of you.

I have to agree with this here.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:23:02 AM   
subinktown


Posts: 17
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalira

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

I have a difficult time understanding why you are so deeply in need of such constant contact with someone so early on in the game.

I think if someone questioned my "communication skills" simply because I DID in fact have another life and did not come bounding to my computer to send an email every single day.. I might have dumped that person too. Sometimes I am human and I need to take care of myself and my other obligations. Its called life and sometimes it happens.

I am not meaning to sound harsh here, but perhaps you need to have something more in your life so that you are not obsessing when someone has other needs to take care of outside of you.

I have to agree with this here.




Sorry, but I have to cast my vote with these two.




_____________________________

"Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option"

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:26:29 AM   
purelea2003


Posts: 78
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline 		My question in reading the post is if these relationships were entirely online or by phone. If they were, let Me suggest maybe these Dominants are like I am. I take no one seriously until I meet them in person. I've had too many bad experiences with emotional attachement online in the 5 years I've been out here almost daily.

Emails & phone calls don't constitute a relationship to Me and I'm quite upfront about it. I don't even do the phone thing 9 times out of 10. It's not about playing people or emotional abuse. It's about pee or get off the pot. Online is simply a staging area for an actual meeting where I'm concerned. Therefore, if I go away for a few days and don't talk to someone online - they shouldn't worry. They don't "know" Me anyway.

That's not meant to be cruel - just honest.

_____________________________

Ms Leah

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." - Booker T Washington

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:32:20 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		First of all I don't do weekend computer. I am on it all day at work. What is the purpose of talking 7 day's a week? How much can you think of to say. People need breathing space. What if the person goes on vacation? What happens if he gets in a accident and can't do anything for a week. Is he going to come back out of the hospital and find you with another Dom?  I had better stop before I say things that will make you cry.

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:50:10 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		They probably were put off by a sense of extream needyness. however if both agreed to the contact everyday once a day at least and then backed out I'd say you're better off finding someone who knows when to agree and stick to it or honestly say no I can't stick to that.

(in reply to subinktown)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 10:55:13 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		The answer is quite simple, really.  YOU NEED daily communication.  Then, what you need to do is to keep on stating this at the beginning of any potential relationship.  If THEY are willing and able to give "You" daily communication, then and only then is this relationship worth exploring further.  In other words, you NEED to fall ass over tin cups in infatuation with someone who is compatible with your needs, in other words, who wants to and will be in frequent touch with you all day long every day.  If you keep falling for people who are don't want to or who are not able to, then you are going to continue to be frustrated and unhappy.

Communication is not your problem  Compatibility is.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 11:23:35 AM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline 		First off, online is simply never going to be as important to me as Meatlife.  If my life gets busy and I don't have the time/energy to sit at the computer, well - my life is busy, and I don't have the time and/or energy to send someone their email fix.  This is my priority.

Second, in any D/S relationship, I'm gonna be the dominant.  If my sub goes into a snit because they don't hear from me every day, well, I've gotta wonder just who is being dominant in the relationship.

I don't mean to pick on you - but that's how I'd see these situations.

Midnight Writer, chiming in.



_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 11:38:43 AM   
LadyOunce


Posts: 126
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		The way you make it sound, each of these - other than the dominant you lost and I'm sorry for you lost, were merely in the communication stage of the introduction and learning about one another process. A day or two is having a life away from your computer, it's an emergancy meeting and your kid being sick.
 
I would also, as a dominant, being HIGHLY put off by a possible submissive - not one that was mine but someone I was possibly considering - setting the terms of what was or was not acceptable for me to make time for them. It's the dominant that sets this not the submissive. You may inform them of your past and the pain you suffered but to call them to task for having a life is a bit arrogant, especially after only missing contact for a day or two.

_____________________________

Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it. -Jackson

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. -Einstein

Do not consider painful what is good for you. -Medea

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 12:04:42 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Everyone is different and finding a fit for you is the key. This also includes how and how much communication from the start to the hopefully happy ending. Personally, from your message and as a submissive woman myself, I think your expectations of communications seems quite high and unrealisitc.

Would you  demand a man call you everyday if you have only seen him once or twice in the real world? If a person has an exceptionally busy/tiring day do they care for you less if they do not write you one or two messages? Personally I do not get emotional over Emails and until I actually meet the person face to face I have no expectations or expect them to have any in terms of some sort of obligation code. The last thing i would want is someone writing me only because they feel they have to. I am not going to get anything out of that in terms of is this the right one.

Is communication important, yes, but basing communication on quantity over quality might not be the best way to do it.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LadyOunce)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 12:13:29 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I can't disagree with windchymes here...~ to sweet person~...communication is not your problem,  a simple matter of differing compatibility re: communication with another are.

There are friends on here that write to me and I write to them every day.  There are others who are involved in classes or work whose time is spent...rightly...dealing with those issues who know, hopefully, that I get that and am still here whenever they care to drop a line.  They also know that I will occasionally drop them a line to check in on them or to flirt or to tease or to bring something interesting to them that they may have missed.

If everyday communication is important to you, you should tell a dominant that.  Then, if they decide they are O.K. with it, then you will hopefully hear from them each day.  As for dictating to a dominant that THEY need to contact you each day...I can tell you that from MPOVO that I agree with what Lady Ounce noted:  it comes across as rather bad form for a submissive and rather arrogant to think they should be perfectly willing to set aside their life...no matter what...to satisfy what a submissive perceives as a need but which the may perceive as a want only.

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 12:13:49 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Communication via email or phone daily is not always a reasonable expectation.  Even my family does not get daily contact from me if I'm on vacation or traveling or have an emergency.  It happens.  I don't really think there is anything to forgive.  I don't see that he made any mistakes here.  If you, however, made him feel badly for not contacting you maybe you owe him an apology.

Sure there are players and scammers here.  But make judgments on that based on some history not a one off no contact for a day or two.  Unless you had some type of agreement in place and you actually had a relationship as opposed to something being considered, I don't think either of you owed each other anything more than general politeness.  He did come back, he had an explanation.  You can either believe him or not. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 12:35:31 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		It may seem excessively needy to some people if you require daily contact.  Some people are busy with their *real* life.  Was this an on-line thing only?  If so, how can someone "dump" you if you don't know them?  If you are losing sleep over internet stuff perhaps it's time to take a break from the computer and find other interests.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 12:50:51 PM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		I have three things to solve your issue. You make pick at random or combine them:

1: Go to Tibet.... meditate... in fact while you are there observe an oppressed people and view how in several ways their life is harder than yours, and feel appreciation for more simple things.

2: Take up knitting, ice skating, a book club, get a second job, maybe volunteer at a cancer treatment hospital.

3: Go get counseling.

4: Go back to school. (you can probably get free counseling there and join the book club AND eventually study abroad- maybe in Tibet... and you'll probably need the second job to pay for it)

Here... and read this. Direct it INWARD. I have found its profoundness to be a saving grace all the time.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa



_____________________________

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 1:37:53 PM   
nikaa


Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline 		Expectations are natural. However to me there are always two very obvious questions I ask myself.
 
Are my expectations reasonable?
 
Have I communicated with the person I am involved in and make them aware of my expectations?
 
If you answer no to any of these questions then perhaps you should rethink your approach.


_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika


The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.


Wakan Tankan Nici Un




(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To talk or not - 11/3/2006 1:51:08 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

I have not had a vast amount of experience with different people in this lifestyle, but one of the main reasons I seldom meet people for coffee is that the situation tends to unfold like so.

1)  I work two jobs.  Im never home.  Im always driving somewhere to do something.  Today is an exception.  I could have worked today, but I refused to do so because I am trying to teach myself to work 5 days a week.  So I stayed home.  I moved some furniture.  I cleaned my house.  I unpacked a couple of boxes from my move.

2)  So on those infrequent times I have been chatting with somebody, I am fairly open about what is going on in my life.  We talk, I enjoy talking, those I have talked to seem to enjoy talking to me.

3)  So I finally make some sort of earnest effort to meet somebody for coffee.  I state up front that I am busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but if they can accept these parameters, sure, lets meet.

4)  We meet for coffee.  We enjoy our time chatting.  Sometimes we kiss in the parking lot.

Then it starts.  (ominous music builds in the background)

The accusations. 

The insistences that I am online chatting with a horde of people. 

The fact that I dont want to talk on the phone means I am having an affair. 

They wonder why I am not available, am I seeing somebody else?

The typical "If you really loved me" comments.

The desire to be invited over so she can move in and live with me.

5)  I finally politely indicate that I am not interested in pursuing a relationship.

6)  They ask why not.  I tell them.  The waterworks start.  The recriminations. The bargaining.  The attempted emotional blackmail.

Just easier to go to work or go dancing or whatever.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to nikaa)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> To talk or not Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.141