julietsierra
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Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: empresschaos
I have been talking of moving out in January (the soonest I could afford to), and he's threatened taking our son away from me, based on my lack of housekeeping skills. I don't know that he'd go so far in actuality, but if he did, I don't have the money for a great attorney.
Ok, a couple of thoughts here. I had a husband (yes, vanilla) that was very much like your Master. So, while it wasn't a D/s relationship, it was a very traditional relationship, and the environment WAS just as tense.
1) I know you'll stay till you can't anymore, but I believe we women fool ourselves all the time when we hope that if we just "did something" we'd be able to go back in time to when things were better. Fact is, things are what they are, and wishful thinking never made anything true. It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a talk with him (without delving into accusations) about the possibility of things becoming calmer around the house. If this conversation becomes a shouting match with accusations flying, or is something that is pretty one-sided with respect to the possibility of reconciliation, I think you're going to have to reach an understanding within yourself, that the times and his views have changed. I don't think it does any good to find fault or look for the reasons, even though that will happen. Sometimes, things just are what they are.
2) Find out what the situation is in the state where you live. I was terrified that my husband would take our children from me. He was abusive to me in many ways, and I feared that he'd be the same toward them. I had already stood between them and him as he wielded a belt often. His anger really would have damaged them even more than it has if he'd gotten custody. However, by the time of our divorce, he had me so thoroughly convinced I couldn't go anywhere or do anything under the threat of him taking the children, that it took a lot of convincing for me to understand that all he was doing was talking. In Texas where we lived at the time, I discovered by talking to many abuse counselors that in that state, that men are men and women are mothers. Things were in my favor from the get-go. Find that out for yourself. It'll make you feel less threatened.
3) Locate a good legal aid group. There are many who cater to women. Explain what your concerns are. The biggest problem with these legal aid groups is that they often choose their clients based on income, and will consider the income of the household before they'll take on a client. That would mean they'd take into account his income as well, so the timing would have to be that you contacted them after leaving, but you can get your information together now.
4) To take a child away based on whether you clean the house or not, he'd have to prove that your housekeeping ways were so bad as to create a dangerous environment for the child. We're not talking a floor that's not been swept. We're talking 6 months of newspapers piling up in the corner, mold on the dishes in the sink, excrement in the corners kind of nasty. Look at things realistically (I know it's difficult). Do you really think he'd allow his home to reach that point just to prove you're a less than perfect housekeeper? And are you really as bad as he says you are - even in your creative periods? I am a horrible housekeeper. My ex threatened many many times to do just that. The reality is that to prove it, he'd have had to call child protective services, and that would have meant he was at fault as well.
5) Stop talking about moving out. Make whatever plans you're going to make - whether they are to stay with him or leave - and act accordingly when you're ready to go. Prepare for leaving in the way you'd prepare for a new job. You don't tell your current employer you're looking until you've found something. It's no different in this situation. Think ahead. Don't get bogged down in the fear of his threats. And the next time he yells at you for peanut butter, ask yourself if you want your children growing up in that environment. We like to think that we can protect our loved ones, but the truth is they see more than we ever believe they do. My oldest at 22, says he lost his childhood, and he's right. We lived in fear all the time. Looking back, I could kick myself because while I was staying "the good of the children," I was doing them a great injustice. I believed that they needed a two-parent home. I still believe they do. At 22, my son now has difficulties forming trusting relationships with people. He's made a lot of strides, but I see the effects of my efforts to "stay for the good of the children" in him all the time. I'm very sorry I made the decisions I did way back then.
The reality is that sometimes, fathers make better dads when their time with their children includes down time where they can live as they see fit without the messiness of children. My ex is a GREAT dad. But now, after 8 years of being apart, he can finally admit to himself and others that 24/7 was not something he could do well. However for him, 24/2 is just perfect. Kids are happier, he's happier and I'm safer.
6) Find yourself a counselor. Going just on your posts here, (and for those who would lambast me for my comments, I do understand that we're only reading of one side of the situation) what he's doing is called verbal and emotional abuse by most people. There are domestic abuse organizations in pretty much every large city. I used the one where we lived a LOT. Even though it took me years to leave, I credit them with the caring and information it took for me to finally gather my courage enough to go. Speaking to an objective person will help you see things a bit more clearly. If you are not wanting to share your D/s relationship with them, remember that many vanilla marriages are very traditional and almost D/s in fashion. There are people on here I'm sure, who have the links to counselors and the like who are kink friendly. They may be able to point you in the right direction.
7) Is his name on your child's birth certificate? While he can always prove paternity, not having it there will help you as you plan to move out. Don't throw it in his face, but until he does prove paternity, he has no say where you and your children live. You also have no claim to child support without proof of paternity, but in the short run, you can leave at any time.
8) Finally, I'll give you the best piece of advice I ever got. My mother once told me to view my husband as the enemy. Understand that the stonger you become, and the less you react to the things he says, the bigger guns he'll drag out, because the aim isn't to help you be better. It's to hurt you. The only way through this is to remain strong and do what's right for your children and for yourself. You are responsible for more than just your Master's home, and if you think about it, because you're responsible for the care and well-being of your children, they are much more important than whether your Master has a perfectly clean house or not, and you need to act accordingly.
I apologize if I've said anything that might hurt you, but I can empathize with your predicament in a been there, done that, never again kind of way. Sometimes trying to go backwards is like spitting in the wind. You never get anywhere and eventually, you're covered in the spit you tried to get rid of.
I wish you well in whatever you decide to do.
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 11/4/2006 8:41:45 PM >
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