RE: That Lovin' Feelin'

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 8:37:21 AM

empresschaos

Posts: 84
Joined: 10/23/2005
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Thanks, everyone, especially Juliet, for your insightful comments. Emperor, I know that he could be awarded custody. I was, indeed, a mother at seventeen, and have always done whatever it took to support my son. I pay my rent on time, I am not on welfare, and I am a student because I want a better life for both of us. I've never hit him, neglected him, or put him in a dangerous situation. And I'm 23 now, if it makes much difference. Also, I'm not rich, or even well off, but I do work, and work hard, and have been able to support us just fine for this long. My reasons for moving in with my partner were not economic, they were a matter of practicality.

Juliet, he does seem to place my son a notch or two below his, and gets very upset if he eats with his elbows on the table, etc. I don't believe in raising children that way. I also would like to clarify that my messiness is not mold, insects, and feces, but rather piles of clothing (Both of my jobs involve some sewing, so projects are often strewn about the living room), and sometimes I'll forget to throw the wrapper of something away immediately. I also tend to leave my pajamas on the bathroom floor. We're not talking disgusting. Just scattered.

After trying to talk calmly and rationally last night, it's become apparent that he doesn't really want it to work out. He seems just... finished. Made fun of me for trying in the first place, and of course, accusations flew. I do appreciate all the advice, and hope things will be alright family-wise. Thanks all. :)

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 11:28:43 AM

julietsierra

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So, empresschaos, let me get this straight. You're only 23, work two jobs, go to school to get the education you need to make a better life for your family, take care of two children, deal with someone who is just done with the relationship and is making it known by using fear for your children as a weapon against you. You aren't on welfare, pay your bills on time and do what good parents everywhere are pretty much EXPECTED to do, and according to this Emperor person, YOU'RE the loser who can't take care of her children?

My dear, (ok, so my oldest is 22 and I still call him dear, so...) you are doing an excellent job. I hope that someday you receive a mother's day card like I received one year. It said "To the most intelligent mom in the world" (I value education). Inside it said "Thank you mom, for saving us." My youngest child added "Thank you mom for helping me find my words." (Before we'd left, he had difficulties expressing his feelings and would usually just lash out at someone - just like his father did.) That card was and still is more important to me than anything they could have ever found on any Hallmark shelf.

We have a pretty "non-traditional" style of home. We don't eat dinner at the table, instead opting to eat in the living room while everyone does their homework, and still my children, now 22, 18 & 13, are considered well behaved, polite and considerate by most of the parents of the friends they have. All of my children were and are popular within their respective schools (my oldest is in college, and my daughter is in a training school for the disabled now that she's graduated from high school) and they are all doing well.

It IS possible to be a successful single mother. When we left, my youngest was the age your oldest is, and it's been a long, sometimes hard road - but always more than worth it.

I wish you and your family of three well in your lives empresschaos and hope that when your children are your age, that they will thank you as well, and love you even more.

Good luck in all you do.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 11/5/2006 11:33:48 AM >

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 12:47:06 PM

Emperor1956

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Joined: 11/7/2005
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You know, when people can't separate their demons and delusions from something they read on a message board, it may well be a sign of serious mental disturbance. Julietsierra, if you are mentally competent, you might take a breath and reconsider your abusive attack on me. Then again, you might be so obsessed with the piece of cheese story in your life (and so certain that everything always is all about you) that you cannot see how your reply has no bearing on my post whatsoever.

My point, simply was that it is entirely possible that he could get custody of the boy. The OP recognized that in a post after mine. The State agency charged with protecting and evaluating childrens' safety, and the family courts, are faced with situations where there are serious compelling problems in BOTH parents' lives, and they do the best they can (often making bad decisions) to assess where custody should be awarded.

I might also point out in your subsequent posts you make it clear that you accord the father no rights whatsoever. You clearly have baggage from your life that you cannot abandon when anyone else has an issue. In fact the man has significant rights as the babys' father, which the State will enforce even if people like you would strip him of them.

That said, how dare you attack me and impune my family for my views, juliet? In fact I have a daughter just about the OPs age, and I have considered exactly how I would react to this sorry tale. But without falling to your sad, delusional level, I'll only say that "there but for the grace of God" (and, yes, some competent parenting by my wife and myself), the horrific bad incidents related by the OP are not issues I have to contend with. And while you think it is appropriate to attack me for "contributing to the fear of a young girl..." I might point out she came here asking for advice, and she seems perfectly capable of making major life decisions. Strange that when someone posts something you don't personally agree with, it because fear mongering.

And, the expression "teaching pigs to sing" has nothing to do with you. I realize from your rants that you think EVERYTHING is all about you, but no, this is a common (and fairly famous) English expression. I never said you or anyone else is a pig (it is unfortunate you took it to be directed at you). You supposedly finished college? Apparently reading modern English and American classics were beyond you.

E

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 11/5/2006 1:01:35 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 1:32:31 PM

empresschaos

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For the record, I am not upset with Emperor for doling out some harsh but practical advice. Fathers' rights are often undervalued, but I believe in Washington it is rare to award custody to the father in the absence of evidence of neglect or abuse on the part of the mother. The only moms I know of whose children are not with them have had problems with drugs or have been horrible.

In my defense, though, I don't think that I qualify as having "serious compelling problems", although that may not have been aimed specifically at me. I am young, I am in an unhappy relationship, and I do wish it could work. I'm neither destitute nor a poor parent, though, and I would hope that these factors would discourage a court from separating a mama and her baby, let alone separate two brothers.

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 2:46:12 PM

Emperor1956

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Thank you miss. I hope that you do work things out, and that you are able to keep both boys. I don't know about Washington State, specifically, but generally you are correct that the system favors keeping custody with the mother. Best wishes.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/5/2006 6:38:52 PM

tommy007

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appreciate the very difficult experience of a relationship that suffers a lack of intimacy and communication-- consider John Prine's "Angel from Montgomery" --- and remember that communication and giving are crucial to any type of relationship. As a submissive male I always have been impressed by the recognition by most experienced dominants that the true dominant gives their attention to the submissive and looks after their welfare. We begin by loving-- we give our attention and find intimacy-- and the intimacy is developed because each is finding the same pleasure and thrill in the same act, while one is looking down at the submissive kissing her ass and the other is looking up at the dominant whose ass he is kissing. This is empathy. Each is enjoying the other's pleasure in the mutual act. sincerely yours ------donnyboy

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/6/2006 8:40:46 AM

CrazyC

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You know i hate it when i ignore i thread for stupid reasons and then come on and realize...i have so much to say.

Sweety without knowing what his side is, and to be honest, i don't really care about his side. (yep...i can hear it now. "It takes two to make a relationship work.") But there does come a time when one needs to realize there is no healing or help. Sweety, you need to look deep within and ask yourself two questions. 1) After everything that has been said and done, do you still think YOU could ever get back to that complete trust you once had?
2) How do you think this behavior is effecting your children?

i understand that you want things to work. You have given so much of yourself to this relationship to make things work. There is a point of being a sub with someone who respects you and all that you do, and then there is just plain being abusive. The only sad thing is society doesn't realize that verbal abuse is the same thing as physical abuse, and kills your spirit just as much. There is a common thought to those who are verbally abused, they would have rather the man beat them so at least see and prove the abuse. Abuse is abuse, and the only thing sad is you can't take that to court.

Most courts on the west coast are mother favored in child custody, so i don't think you have anything to worry about. What you do need to do, is to remember he is the child's father. The courts respect those who are willing to work out a reasonable visitation plan. If he tries anything otherwise, they will see right through it. Those working in the family courts have seen it all, and will see the signs if something seems odd.

I wish you the best. I am giving you a big hug. If you need any help, please email me.

-celeste

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/6/2006 8:45:49 AM

Lordandmaster

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He didn't say that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

You aren't on welfare, pay your bills on time and do what good parents everywhere are pretty much EXPECTED to do, and according to this Emperor person, YOU'RE the loser who can't take care of her children?

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RE: That Lovin' Feelin' - 11/7/2006 11:32:07 PM

diamonddreamlove

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Joined: 5/19/2006
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Even good change (birth of his child, your moving in) can be stressful. Stress can and does cause grief for the loss of whatever, freedom, income there are many reasons he may be feeling angry. I believe he is being verbally and emotionally abusive based solely on your comments, however i also suspect that there is some depression going on for both of you and that counseling is a definite course of action to be taken prior to ending the relationship. I don't know if the relationship can be repaired or not but i do know that to ignore it or to make arrangements to move without trying all that can be done is unfair to everyone involved. I would suggest a kink aware therapist. Many are in the life themselves and understand the dynamics involved in the D/s relationship. Keeping in mind those that are not kink aware will say this is an abusive relationship and should be ended immediately. I should say are likly to state this. I am a therapist and have found few in my state that even know what BDSM is let alone how it works. Those that have a clue are afraid to work with us and quite frankly i would not want to talk to them very seriously about my D/s relationship. They simply don't have the education to work in this area of relationships and therefore would be unethical for them to treat.

I also am concerned that you may be experiencing some depression and anxiety after the birth of your child and certainly have to be under a great deal of stress. Going to school full time, working 2 part time jobs and taking care of 2 kids with one a new born is simply spreading oneself too thin. A therapist would be likely to help you look at your feelings and discuss the potential of your viewing things from a narrower view point than what could possibly be healthy. You are the one there and will have to make the decisions. Lastly i want to address the threat of losing custody of your child. Fair or unfair the courts still tend to look favorably at the mother as the primary care giver, however fathers do have rights and more and more are obtaining primary custody. Those fathers however have proven that they are able to take care of the child better than what the mother would be able to do. That might be financially but is more likely to be looked at in the realm of who will be around to actually care for the child. He is quite capable of arranging day care just as you must be doing or would need to do should you separate. Based upon that it is possible you would lose custody but is just as likely that you would not. I suggest setting yourself up for success regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or not. Good luck to all four of you since it appears you will all either need luck to work it out or two of you will have to agree to work it out.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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