sskitten
Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline
|
Sorry for the length of this post, but you've asked a question that takes some time to try to answer helpfully.
I have always found it much easier to cum on my own than with a partner, but I have been able to cum quite easily with certain partners. I do not know if it will help you to hear how I gradually learned to cum under a wider variety of cirumstances. Of course we are each unique. My experience is not a road map for others. But perhaps reading about my progression may give you some ideas of things you might try to help increase your comfort level on your own and eventually with others.
Like you, I used to need sensory deprivation of sorts (dark room, lying very still on my back... in my case, my legs were always spread wide and I pretended to myself they were bound; I always touched myself in the same way...) and I *always* needed a dark, extreme submission fantasy in order to cum. The moment of cumming was always the moment at which I submitted absolutely in my fantasy. For instance, if my fantasy involved being kidnapped and forced into sexual slavery or prostitution, I came at the moment when I admitted to myself and my captor that I wanted this new life of captivity and I wanted what was about to happen to me.
In order to expand my ability to cum to other circumstances, I gradually - over a period of several years - learned to cum privately under different physical circumstances and different mental circumstances, and I carried some of my successful experiences into my relationships.
Physical conditions:
* We are creatures of habit. I'm telling you, I came in exactly the same physical position for about 25 years before I ever tried anything new!! I never thought I could cum in a different way after all that time. But then I got inspired to experiment, and progressed like this. Every step in this progression was HUGE to me. I *never* thought any of these things would work, and sometimes it took several tries before they did, or I might try something new until I was quite aroused and then finish off in my customary way.
- First I learned to flip over and cum while lying on my belly with a pillow propping my hips. My legs were still spread wide and I still pretended they were bound. In this position I pretended my imaginary tormentor was going to take my ass as soon as I came. My cumming meant I was ready and eager to submit in this way. I used my other hand to play with my ass, so I got used to having stimulation in two places at once, but I still could not cum unless I stopped the other activity and focused completely on touching my clit right before cumming.
- Next I learned to cum in a similar belly-down, ass-up position, but lifting my ass higher, first with a second pillow and then without pillows, in a prostrate kneeling position, with my cheek to the bed.
- I learned to cum in daylight without needing to block the light (but I still had my eyes closed). I progressed from having a pillow over my eyes to having one arm over my eyes to having a blanket or sheet over my eyes to just having my eyes closed with light filtering through my lids.
- I found out it was a turn-on to watch myself in the bathroom mirror and I touched myself almost to orgasm while standing before the mirror one day but had to finish up in bed. As I recall, one time I finished up by lying on the bathroom floor, feeling more exposed and uncomfortable than I did in bed. I happened to have a mirror needing repair leaning against a bathroom wall and I sometimes watched myself kneeling while touching myself until I had to close my eyes while cumming. It was a big step in my progression when I was able to cum while on my knees, legs spread, but otherwise upright. It helped to use a collar and chain to attach myself to a towel rod. And then finally I was able to cum while standing up in the bathroom watching myself eyes open with my legs spread.
- I tried binding myself - first with legs spread, on my back - and that helped me to cum much faster. Then I bound myself in a comfortable chair, semi-reclined, legs spread. It was hard to cum that way but if I stiffened my body towards the end it helped. Once I tried kneeling backwards on the chair and rubbing my breasts against the leather of the seat back and came that way. And then I was able to cum while standing up tied to a basement ceiling support post, with the rope tied many times around my torso and somewhat around my legs, with a collar and chain anchoring my neck to the ropes.
- I came outside, in a very private place. That was huge in terms of ignoring noise stimuli and extra sensations and the feeling of exposure and the danger of discovery.
- I came sitting upright in a chair, legs bound nearly together, not spread.
- I came with vibrators. At first the noise and vibration were way too distracting and I never thought it would work. Gradually I acclimated to the noise and new sensations, and the vibrators fit well with my fantasies of things being done to me against my will. And cumming to a new physical sensation was huge. Something about the vibrations stirred an enormous need in me to beg. I found myself in fantasy begging for the most outrageous things to be done to me, and as soon as I would cum, in my fantasy the outrageous thing I'd begged for would indeed be done to me.
- I used a remote control vibrator while driving in my car and got so aroused I thought I might be able to finish myself off even with all the distractions of needing to concentrate on the driving and not have an accident. I turned off and removed the vibrator and touched myself and did indeed have an orgasm with my foot to the pedal at 60 mph. This was just a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't a very safe experiment but wow.
- My latest experiment, just a few days ago, ended with cumming in the bathroom, at first standing upright watching myself with legs spread and then bending over so one hand was touching the floor, with my pretend Owner watching me from behind as all intimate parts were exposed to him at once: ass, pussy and breasts.
So that was the physical progression. Sometimes (not often) I could cum to another's touch, but this depended mostly on my mental state. In the mental and emotional progression, it went like this:
For most of my life I had to imagine submitting to a faceless stranger, even as I lay in the arms of a loved one or if a man were touching me. I used my own fantasy stories. A few years back I was able to cum a couple of times to lengthy cybersex sessions where I finally stopped typing and closed my eyes and peeked now and then to see the new sentences but at that time I could only cum while lying on my back so I had to have a laptop lying right beside me. But at least it trained me to cum quietly and privately to someone else's ideas and not just my own.
Last fall I also read some lurid BDSM stories online and then tried cumming to some of those fantasy scenarios; when it worked I felt as if my bag of tricks had grown larger. I came to ideas that had never aroused me before; I broke some of my taboos, in fantasy.
Last fall a mentor Dom also gave me a new concept that was extremely helpful to me. For my whole life, cumming had always involved dark degrading fantasies. He gave me the concept of having a "light" or positive orgasm. Most of all, he gave me the concept that the orgasm would not be taken from me and would never be forced or expected and would not be for my own pleasure; instead, I would learn to reach deep inside myself to draw up my orgasm from my depths and offer it to him as a gift to be endured by me for his pleasure. Mind you, I never met this man. I offered my masturbatory experiences for his pleasure and wrote to describe them afterwards. For the first time in my life I was able to cum purely from the thought that a real human being (even an unmet one) wanted me to offer my orgasms as gifts to him. It was a new kind of submissive feeling. It felt like real submission instead of fantasy submission, even though I was still in control of the whole process. But I was learning to link mental submission and physical submission in a more "real" way without needing to invent a scenario.
Then I had a real-life Dom, and before we ever had a session, he had me masturbate numerous times while thinking specific thoughts in specific physical positions. And so these orgasms also made me feel as if he had increasing control over my body and my mind and maybe even part of my spirit even before our first session. Also at last I was putting a face to the person I was submitting to instead of inventing a faceless stranger.
I think this preparatory work helped me to be able to cum in his presence, but it still almost didn't happen the first time because I was on sensory overload. We stopped and cuddled for a long time and then as he resumed touching me he was telling me about the various body parts over which he was taking control, and as he talked I felt myself letting go of each part, until he took an orgasm from me and then took his pleasure. Mind you, this represented several years of gradually learning to let go under varied physical and mental circumstances. The time described above when I came while sitting bound in a chair... that was with him, at the start of our second session, and believe me, I thought he was trying something completely futile. But I was bound and gagged and couldn't tell him it was pointless, and eventually I realized I was going to sit there bound and gagged until I came to his touch, and once I accepted this impossibility, it became possible. What happened in that moment was that I accepted his control over me. I let go of my mental protestations and naysaying. Just because I thought it was impossible didn't make it impossible. I was there to please him; he wasn't there to please me. It would please him if I came but he would be pleased even if I became aroused... there was no pressure on me, and so I was able to let go of the inner pressure I tended to place on myself and let the impossible happen.
Most of the times what helped me to cum with him was that he spoke to me and said all the right things. We did not need to create a fantasy story together. I had invented fantasies all my life. In submitting to a real man in the flesh, this was my fantasies come to life. I did not want to turn to the world of make-believe at the very moment of experiencing real-life submission. Real-life submission would mean giving myself over to him, not to a fantasy scenario. But since I thrive on words and extremes, and since arousal is much more mental than physical, he coaxed the orgasms from me with his words at least as much as with his touches. Sometimes he asked me questions and with each murmured answer I would feel my arousal intensify until the orgasm itself was a proclamation of my full submission. Sometimes we used the concept that my orgasm was my signature on our unwritten contract. The best time of all was when I approached the peak as he asked me question after question and it really felt as if he were pulling the orgasm from me while making me speak, culminating with "Who do you belong to?" and I came while whispering/ confessing "You, Sir!" For my whole life, my orgasms had been imaginary confessions of submission and now they were genuine confessions of submission. But even still I was astonished that I could cum and speak at the same moment.
He had set his goal to learn what he could about me, what would arouse me the most, and he quickly learned that I responded most to his words. I think part of why I was able to submit to him physically as well as mentally was that he had been training me to submit to him in private times alone, sometimes while imagining him watching me, and then it seemed comfortable and natural to submit to him in his actual presence. And another part of it was that he was an astute observer of my arousal and basically he played in my playground when he wanted me to cum. As a prelude, of course, he took away my options and asserted control over my body, but when it came to cumming, he knew how to touch my hot mental buttons.
Like you, I've had a difficult or impossible time cumming with most people who have tried, and a lot of it was self-consciousness. Some of it was that they didn't know how to touch me in the very particular ways I needed to be touched, even if I tried to demonstrate or coach or give nonverbal cues. Some of it was that they distracted me from the fantasies I thought I needed, and I didn't much care for having one thing going on with my body while another thing was going on in my mind. Some of it was the inhibition of not wanting to thrash around with another person right there, even if it's what they wanted; like you, many times it worked for me much better if I was convinced my partner was asleep. Oh, one thing I also tried within the past year was cumming on web cam (not live but using my web cam to record one frame every ten seconds, knowing I would email it to be viewed afterwards). Maybe you could try that as a transition to being watched live in the flesh, let alone touched in the flesh.
And I think you've raised a good point about how you've gotten used to cumming without human touch. The human touch seems to distract you now. That could be an advantage of learning to cum with a vibrator and then perhaps learning to cum while your Owner(s) control the vibrator. I would also recommend trying to cum while your Owner(s) watch you from a slight distance without touching you; it would be huge if you could get over that inhibition and cum in their presence... even if you were blindfolded and following your usual routine. And even though I did not want to use fantasies in the presence of my Dom, as others have pointed out and you yourself have agreed, it is perfectly acceptable and could be very useful to turn to tried-and-true fantasies while you are learning to cum under a wider range of circumstances. If you cum as they watch you touch yourself, I think you will feel that you have submitted to their control in a new way and it will strengthen and affirm your sense of their ownership.
It seems that you have both physical and mental barriers to overcome; I encourage you to tackle them gradually and don't get discouraged if new attempts don't succeed at first. And as others have pointed out, even if you cannot cum in the presence of another, no doubt you and your Owners can find great satisfaction as you submit to them in other ways.
In a vanilla relationship I think it's fine to say, "I didn't cum, but it was good." In a submissive relationship, that doesn't strike me quite right. If your Owners observe your arousal, they will know it was good without your having to tell them, and there should be no need for you to have to reassure them or rate the experience. It seems more fitting for them to tell you afterwards, "We are pleased with your arousal and your submission" instead of you telling them that you are pleased with their attempts to arouse you.
As much as I enjoyed the pleasure my Dom gave me, I enjoyed most of all when he used my body for his pleasure. That, for me, was the point of my submission. Cumming was one humble way to express my submission, but submitting my body for his pleasure was the ultimate act of submission.
I know you're asking about orgasm. But your question reminds me of an essay written by a slave who described how sometimes when her Master would finish taking his pleasure in her and would then give her permission to touch herself, she would respond quite frankly, "This slave needs no other satisfaction than having pleased you."
|
RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 
Profile
RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 
. My Sir has been the turning point for me. I was honest with Him up front which He teases me about constantly after the most wonderful orgasims. His patience and a lot or what Rover said are what did the trick for me. Does not always work but as a general rule it does. Just relax go with the flow and no i have not lied about it and will never lie about this issue. To lie is to take from the relationship instead of to give to it. Besides it also just sets you up for failure for the next ummm encounter. 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread