NightWindWhisper
Posts: 143
Joined: 5/28/2006
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Some thoughts to consider....
Orgasm is the act of “letting go.” It is not the act of “making it happen.” Abandonment of barriers lead to orgasm. You can orgasm on your own, therefore you do not suffer from anorgasmia, or lack of orgasm ability. However you say that it takes you half to an hour and a half to achieve orgasm, so there may be a level of dysorgasmia.
Of the common male erectile dysfunction drugs you have Viagra, Levita and the newer Cialis. Viagra was first generation, and very non-specific in the recepters that it affected so much so that I call it the “three step drug.” This, I explain to a male dealing with ED means, pop the Viagra, then take two Ibuprofin for the inevitable headache, then snort some 12 hour nasal spray for the inevitable sinus congestion, and finally, take an acid reducer, as most men will get indigestion. Levitra was second generation, more receptor specific but still with most of the adverse effects. Cialis was third generation, and far more appropriate in receptor action. Therefore if you experiment with any, I’d choose Cialis. (This is not to say that you should, or shouldn’t) There is little experimentation by drug companies, and none of these will ever be FDA approved for women. There is simply not enough money in it. A woman’s clitoris is quite analogous to a male’s penis. And indeed, the increased erectility of a woman’s clitoris might lead to a higher state of arousal. Keep in mind that if you try any of these you can try a tiny amount. For instance Cialis comes in 5, 10 and 20 milligram tabs. Unbelievably, they all cost the same and I often suggest that a male “ask the doc” if he can have a sample of a few 20 mg tabs, and then cut them into quarters or eights. If a male finds that 1/8 of 20 mg, or about 2mgs does the trip, to, well, ask for a script for 20’s. Since any ED med costs about $10 a pill, $10/8 = ~$1.25@. You could even take a 20 milligram tab and attempt to cut it into 20 pieces to start. Cialis lasts quite a while, up to 36 hours, but like all, it does nothing in the absence of arousal.
The increased erectility of your clitoris might be beneficial, and if you try that route, start with a very small dosage. Good luck finding a doctor though. Of note, you say that you can arouse yourself to orgasm “alone, blindfolded, in a dark place.” You note that your internal stories are “unusually kinky” and “relatively specific.” You also state that you find it hard to confide your most arousing fantasies and utilize joking or self-mocking methods. Beware of the self-mocking methods, they could backfire, while the joking may be an avenue. However jokes do not often foster the release experienced in orgasm. Internally you admit to the doubt that your lover will accept them seriously, and when you do share these fantasies they seem to never particularly revel in them. You mention that you are a terrible, terrible storyteller. However by the way you write, I doubt that is the case. Try putting your internal fantasies to a page, and share them anonymously. I think perhaps that you have difficulty sharing your stories because you don’t believe that they will be accepted and there is an internal wall within yourself. There is always others to share a kink with.
You say that you have skin-to-skin issues that unnerve you and feel that you are conditioned to a lack of touch. Saying this you make light of the statement with a “hehe.” I doubt that this is a light statement and I’m inclined to think that is integral to your issue. Find a lover who when not engaged in sex can turn you on to the joys of non-sexual touching. Try massage.
You state that you “KNOW you look like a creepy dead long instead of a happy panting sexkitten when you masturbate concentrating on fantasy and this opposes your internal need to appear pleasing. This is a long stretch, and I could be right, or totally wrong, so don’t take this too seriously. You have unmentioned and very specific fantasies. I imagine that for the most part when shared, your partner cannot understand the erotic link. You have a disconcerting self image issue, it seems. Any man will tell you that if there is the slightest inkling that you are masturbating he will find you delightfully attractive. Even if you act the “dead log,” all men will get off by the voyeuristic sense of you. Yet you can’t believe this, though I assure you, this is true. You mention fondly a partner who melded with your fantasies, who was a “good talker” and who would repeat things in the heat of passion. You say that got you far more aroused. I suggest that the auditory stimulation occupied that doubting, fearful, embarrassed and possibly guilt-ridden part of your mind. Auditory stimulation, whispers, nasty talk, “what is happening….” sort of stuff can calm and distract an overactive, over-involved mind—leading to abandonment of thought and relaxation which can lead to the release of orgasm.
I suggest that your issues may come from very early years and I suggest that as long as abuse was not involved that you look there. If abuse was involved tread slowly and carefully, with professional help if you can find and afford it. Also consider reading “Courage to Heal.” It cad be found on half dot c_m for about $4 shipped. Even if you were not abused in the normal sense, you may have been chastised for masturbating at a very young age, and it may have left scars of guilt and failure that need to be worked through. If this is the case then you were a victim of a certain form of abuse. Dysorgasmia can occur because a child got caught rubbing up against the edge of a sofa, enjoying the sexual/non-sexual feel. The young child may have had fantasies that really only made sense to the child. The chastisement can drive the need to masturbate into hiding, and if the need overcomes the repression, then the child develops guilt. Often as the child ages into puberty, and then into adulthood, those long past issues still haunt in a confusing manner, because the ever maturing brain doesn’t seem to realize that the child’s brain, in its innocence was exactly that: innocent. So the guilt carry’s on. I’m not saying this is the case but it’s worth looking at. I think that what is essential is to get to the point that whatever turns you on, does! If others don’t appreciate that, and cannot play into it, then consider finding someone who does. Create a different screen name, address who you are, and what turns you on and find a kindred soul. Preferably one who does tell your stories back to you in a loving and supportive and erotically charged way. He can do this while you are blindfolded and perhaps bound, if you like the idea, this way, it is his “fault,” since you cannot help yourself, and how can you be guilty if you are bound. This is an idea that may be worth trying.
Rover’s concept of “brinking” actually might work if you can progress far enough with a partner. But I’d suggest caution because the technique, which can be astounding, has a negative bent. A woman whose internal being is strongly connected upon pleasing may lock onto the “don’t….” Nor, I think, will a “do as your told and cum….” Approach work with you.
Try to understand “you”, your sexual origins, and history. Try to find where the roadblocks were emplaced and then slowly try to accept them, and integrate them in such a way that you can advance onto the ultimate “abandonment,” rather than the thought fixation which is likely blocking you from “letting go.”
These are just some thoughts which might make sense to you, and give you some insight, or not. In time, I have no doubt that you’ll find the abandonment that you seek.
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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 
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