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attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 10:25:17 AM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

i'm sure i'm not the only one who (on occasion) doesn't want to fulfill their 'duties' as a submissive. the reasons are unimportant although they may be completely valid.

my question is what do you do when this happens to you? i still fulfill my obligations but often i'm unable to hide my lack of enthusiasm. do you 'opt out' and take a punishment? i do have that option (as Master pointed out last night when i didn't want to make dinner). is there some ritual that helps you regain your focus? after i made dinner last night (sausage, spinach and tomato risotto) Master made a big point of rewarding me with lots of positive attention. that helped a lot. but what i'm looking for are ways to change my atittude before He notices. any ideas?

Post #: 1

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 10:37:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes just admitting it outloud can be the best. As said on the thread about acceptance, sometimes just accepting what is and going with it is all you need. Admit to him that you're just in a mood first thing. Don't guilt yourself or consider yourself bad just because you're human, just because you don't have the "sub fuzzies" for awhile. Don't let your perfectionist streak take control. By communicating to HIM how you feel, you let him have the authority of where to go, you get the feeling of connection and loss of pressure, and you might just be able to figure out WHY you're in the mood and work out of it.

Admitting it might not be enough to make it go away- if it's just a mood, let it be just a mood. Sometimes working through the mood is all you need.

If it's a serious issue, then you need to talk about it more. Trust me, I'm sure your master would rather take a half hour to work on what's bothering you rather than have dinner at its normal time if it's a serious problem. The long term effects of working TOGETHER and being able to process and communicate is much better than having dinner exactly at 6 on Tuesday.

Although do not discount the good effects that food can have on one's mood and how stabilizing your sugar can go a long way towards calming things down sometimes :)

Rituals don't help ME, but I know they can help a lot of people. Whether it's a mantra, taking a few minutes to lay down in a dark room, emailing, singing....whatever can help you refocus.

The good thing about moods is that they turn around in time. There's no need (except your irrational need for perfection and to be constantly pleasing) to turn things around BEFORE he notices. I'm guessing he much prefers to KNOW what's going on and deal with it together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 2

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 11:24:59 AM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

thanks LA! any ideas on how to control that 'perfectionist streak'?

you are right about it just being a 'a mood'. by the time the evening was over it had passed. it just seems like such a waste of time though. in hindsight it seems so trivial; but i wasted a lot of energy on this negative thing. i want to figure out how to cut through it all and get to where i was at the end of the evening much quicker!

****light bulb just went off ****

LA check your e-mail please.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 11:27:21 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsa
any ideas on how to control that 'perfectionist streak'?

I wish! Other than recognizing it for what it is, teaching yourself to laugh at it and reign yourself in when necessary, I've pretty much given it up as who I am. On the good days you can let it go, on the bad days you end up crying. Hopefully you end up having just a few bad days a year.

quote:

LA check your e-mail please.

Okeys.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 4

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 12:25:09 PM

petcerina

Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

Crap... can i have that e-mail? If you've figured something out that i haven't, please please do tell..

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 12:32:13 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I just tell him I'm feeling bad and ask him to hold me. Sometimes that's enough to recharge my batteries and sometimes it helps in relaxing me enough that I can pin point whatever was the problem. If so, I tell him. He likes me coming to him for help on these type things though and that makes a difference.

If it's usually happening at the same time of day, such as you running out of energy to make dinner, then you need to be proactive and either prepare stuff ahead of time, such as materials for a quick stir fry or use a slow cooker. Myself I keep frozen breaded skinless, boneless chicken breasts in the freezer for times like this. Either I brown them slowly and then add gravy to cook them in while rice or pasta is cooking, or cover them in spaghetti sauce and cheese and baking slowly.

You may want to keep a record of when these moods hit and what's happening in case there is a pattern there that you could identify and then work around.

(in reply to petcerina)

Post #: 6

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 12:32:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petcerina
Crap... can i have that e-mail? If you've figured something out that i haven't, please please do tell..

How about- women (and some men, usually with abusive/neglectful parents), specially of the older generations, are taught to do everything they can to NOT draw attention to themselves or be considered "needy" and in fact will use just about every other tactic in the book that will draw attention to themselves as long as it doesn't involve just admitting "I need attention."

That direct and honest communication thing can be real tough sometimes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to petcerina)

Post #: 7

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 1:45:28 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

the e-mail was about what LA just said. what i needed was some D/s attention. but i didn't think to just ask for it. once i got it, (after preparing dinner) i was fine. i couldn't figure out where my mood was coming from. i love to cook, seriously. i had a lovely spinach and italian sausage risotto planned. and all of the sudden i was in this petulant mood whining about cooking dinner. what i was doing was saying, 'i always cook dinner, i'm good...why can't you read my mind and just 'know' that i need affirmation. that's unrealistic; Dom's (no matter how good) can't always know what their sub needs. He was happy to give it to me. but how, without any clues, was He supposed to know that i needed it right then?

Celeste: you're also right. affirmation of our dynamic was what i needed (holding, cuddling, spanking ). and, yes it is a pattern, but not daily, it's weekly. during the week we don't have a lot of time for intensity. by wed the the euphoria from the weekend (when we do have time for intesity) is over and subdrop kicks in. i needed a jolt off of our TPE to make it to next weekend. this week has been particularly stressful and we've had even less time to play. although many think the power exchange is one way (sub to Master) i believe its circular. but that's another post.
once again i must thank the energy of the board for helping me to find my way!
namaste

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 2:18:15 PM

captiveprincess

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Unfortunately I get in that kind of mood sometimes too. Just got over one in fact. And yes, all I needed was a little D/s attention to get me back to my center and my mood realigned. But I definitely agree with LuckyAlbatross about not wanting to draw attention to myself or appear "needy". Lady K has even point blank asked me if there is something that She can do to help alleviate those moods, but I have an inner conflict about asking for attention. Does A/anyone have any suggestions???

Lady K's collared submissive,
~shelly

_____________________________

"I believe that in the heart of each human being there is something which I can only describe as a "child of darkness" who is equal and complementary to the more obvious "child of light" ~Laurens van der Post

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 9

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 2:26:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: captiveprincess

Unfortunately I get in that kind of mood sometimes too. Just got over one in fact. And yes, all I needed was a little D/s attention to get me back to my center and my mood realigned. But I definitely agree with LuckyAlbatross about not wanting to draw attention to myself or appear "needy". Lady K has even point blank asked me if there is something that She can do to help alleviate those moods, but I have an inner conflict about asking for attention. Does A/anyone have any suggestions???

Lady K's collared submissive,
~shelly

Only what I've already said- your submission is to your mistress, not to your own irrational perspectives. Train yourself to answer honestly and possibly laugh at your own silliness.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to captiveprincess)

Post #: 10

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 3:22:23 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

As L.A. said, confess to what's going on. But I wouldn't discount the physical stuff. If you had to skip lunch, or work late, you will be more tired and cranky than usual. Honestly when people in this house get bitchy my first question is to ask them if they ate lunch. Frequently he skips it and my oldest after four years can't stand the same school lunch assortment every day. I just put cheese on crackers and shove it in front of them. With that said, I also have to pay attention to when I ate last. I'm noticing that a bagel no longer does it for me in the mornings, I need something more substantial to carry me to lunch and then have dinner earlier than I used to.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 4:54:53 PM

andreaC

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/15/2006
Status: offline

I cant hide to my Master when i dont feel like doing something. He knows me too well, by just giving me the look or if i am online with him and i see all those exclamation points !!!! its enough to put me back on the right track.

_____________________________

andreaC - owned by Master Carrera2
Complete and extremely happy :)
Jeg elsker deg Herre

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 12

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 5:49:31 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Look your human, you arent always going to want to do the things your suposed to, heck I hate beeing the school bus in the house, I have to pick my little sisters up from high school a few days a week (when I dont have class at the same time they need to be picked up)and neather of them come home at the same time as eachother or even at the same time everyday.Heck sometimes I would rather be doing something els with my free time wich I dont have I lot of as it is. When I really dont feel like doing it I say something but I always do it anyway. There is nothing wrong with saying you arent perticularly thrilled about an obligation vent a little about beeing not so happy about it, dont whine or throw a fit and always do it anyway, but remeber its ok to not want to its even ok to say you dont want to your human!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to andreaC)

Post #: 13

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 7:21:52 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Sometimes just admitting it outloud can be the best. As said on the thread about acceptance, sometimes just accepting what is and going with it is all you need. Admit to him that you're just in a mood first thing. Don't guilt yourself or consider yourself bad just because you're human, just because you don't have the "sub fuzzies" for awhile. Don't let your perfectionist streak take control. By communicating to HIM how you feel, you let him have the authority of where to go, you get the feeling of connection and loss of pressure, and you might just be able to figure out WHY you're in the mood and work out of it.

Admitting it might not be enough to make it go away- if it's just a mood, let it be just a mood. Sometimes working through the mood is all you need.

If it's a serious issue, then you need to talk about it more. Trust me, I'm sure your master would rather take a half hour to work on what's bothering you rather than have dinner at its normal time if it's a serious problem. The long term effects of working TOGETHER and being able to process and communicate is much better than having dinner exactly at 6 on Tuesday.

Although do not discount the good effects that food can have on one's mood and how stabilizing your sugar can go a long way towards calming things down sometimes :)

Rituals don't help ME, but I know they can help a lot of people. Whether it's a mantra, taking a few minutes to lay down in a dark room, emailing, singing....whatever can help you refocus.

The good thing about moods is that they turn around in time. There's no need (except your irrational need for perfection and to be constantly pleasing) to turn things around BEFORE he notices. I'm guessing he much prefers to KNOW what's going on and deal with it together.

This is right on. I'm dealing with it right now (in an overall sense though).

I want to be His submissive, I Am His submissive, but I am also human and need rest. I expect Him to be more sensitive to my needs, yet I'm learning how to open up when I know I will disappoint (that's always been tough for me - usually I'd just suffer and make everyone else happy "because I am strong and can do it".

I think Doms need to appreciate that submissive is not equivelant to robot.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 7:24:35 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin
I think Doms need to appreciate that submissive is not equivelant to robot.

And I think subs need to appreciate that they are not perfect and admit when they need rest, and that doms are not mind readers and constant strong soldiers themselves.

We'd all do a bit better if we simply accepted and admitted our humanity and that of others.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 15

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/9/2006 9:01:43 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

But ... LA, I'm feeling resentment. It's half His fault for being so demanding and critical, and it's half my fault for not communicating effectively when it's too much ... I'm clever, so I know how to push back gently, but I feel like I'm always just spending my time worrying about pleasing Him ... does this make me non-submissive at a fundamental level? He's great, don't get me wrong ... I'm just used to being single, and we do not live together.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/10/2006 2:26:10 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I think it's the moon, cause this feeling seems to be everywhere right now. Dealing with something similar over here too. To me, it's always something very tiny that helps me get back on track. Only problem is finding the tiny thing that works. Until then though - ooh weee....life is hard.

btw: During these times..patience really and truly does suck.

juliet

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 17

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/10/2006 4:38:18 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

When my sub gets in the door after a day at work, I require her to relax and not speak for at least 20 minutes. She may watch TV, read, meditate, etc. as long as she doesn't do something she needs to do. This is her "down time." She then presents to me and I rub/scratch her back before putting her collar on. This seems to help her make the transition from her work day and definitely puts her in a submissive mode.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 18

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/10/2006 5:32:34 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

But ... LA, I'm feeling resentment. It's half His fault for being so demanding and critical, and it's half my fault for not communicating effectively when it's too much ... I'm clever, so I know how to push back gently, but I feel like I'm always just spending my time worrying about pleasing Him ... does this make me non-submissive at a fundamental level? He's great, don't get me wrong ... I'm just used to being single, and we do not live together.

You need to tell him openly that this is how you feel. And don't be gentle or subtle with it because men frequently don't get anything that isn't blunt. So if you feel that he is impossible to please, that he seeks only to criticize you, that you are feeling huge amounts of resentment then you need to tell him this fast. Because otherwise you will not want to continue to be with him.

When I feel he's pushing me too fast and too hard I just say "stop pushing, I can't handle this". He would rather slow down and allow me to come along at a speed I can handle then push me too far and break the relationship. Would your dom?

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 19

RE: attitude adjustments - 11/10/2006 7:27:53 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
He would rather slow down and allow me to come along at a speed I can handle then push me too far and break the relationship. Would your dom?

Likely no. Burnin has had numerous issues with this dom, this is just a recent manifestation.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 20

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