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refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/9/2006 9:14:40 PM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline 		I am going to make this a long post so there is no confusions later.  I have met a Dom with whom I have been talking with, we are getting along great.  Have been talking for about 8 weeks plus or minus, I have a bad sense of time ratio.  He is just what I have been seeking and he says the same about me.  We have talked about the Lifestyle, vanilla life, families, my heath issues, in which his remark was they are not problems so why was I worried?  dog shows which I used to do and he still does, renaissance fairs, as you can see we have covered a lot of issues.  He was adament we take thing slow and I agreed to follow his decision on this.  He said he could not be a Master to me until we had met and I had decided if I could trust and serve him.  Only then would he accept me as a slave and should I call him Master then he would collar me with his name on my collar. 
 
Things were going great then I got the flue and a few days later he came down with the flue.  He lives in MA and I live in OH. so we are a distance apart. A few days went by and I started getting worried.  Finally I called him he sounded terrible he said he would contact me in a day or so.  It was longer than that but I thought maybe he has changed his mind.  He finally contacted me, I could tell something was different, all he would say was he had to think things over and make a decision. 
 
 I finally could take it no longer and just flat out said.  "If you have changed your mind tell me I can handle it."  He answered "no, I want you a lot, it is just I went to the Dr.  and he says I have a heart condition.  I need to make a decision about us."  I said "Don't I get a say in this?" he replied No!  You promised to obey me."   I am not sure what is going to happen to me so I want to release you. I go "No!  You can still be here and do a lot w/ a heart condition.  He said  "It is my decision to do what is best for you in the long run." I said "Not fair"  he laughed and says "I must do what is right for you. Not what I want."  I think you should start looking at other Doms." I told him if he just no longer wanted to have anything to do with me just tell me NP I would just start looking again but he said no that was not it.  He did want me."  I told him I could handle rejection if he wanted out of our agreement" he said that was not it it was the heart condition."  I gave him every out I could and he didn't take it.  In fact we talked about things we would do later, started making plans then he stopped and said "I need to go and think.  I will talk to you later, " but I know it will be a couple of days before he contacts me again.
 
Now as you can see I hope, is that his whole concern has been that I not be contracted or bound to a Master who is handicaped, or will be in a bad medical shape.  I got mad and told him "he was being unfair to me in that I would care about that.  Look at my health issues", he said that was different, I said no it isn't.  He just kept repeating he had to think about my welfare first." 

I need help in whether to do as he recquests and sit back and let him decide or to tell him I refuse to let him make a decision like this, when most likely everything will be fine.  That I will not look for another Dom.  I appreciate all helpful remarks.  He is planning to see a heart specialists and move to a family member in KY which will just put him 2-3 hours from me now.   
Thank you for all your comments.
 
 
Patina

edited by me as remembered part of a conversation  that might help to explain.

< Message edited by patina -- 11/9/2006 10:20:55 PM >

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/9/2006 9:20:47 PM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		Hmm...is it possible that you're getting along so well that a meeting is imminent and maybe he hasn't been telling you the truth and needs an 'out'?

Don't mean to sound negative but this seems to be a very common happenstance with online, long distance things.  It may be time to ask yourself what you truly KNOW about him.....not just what he tells you....things you have actual proof about.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/9/2006 9:24:45 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		He has to make the decision he is most comfortable with. Consider this, with the potential of a major heart condition, he does not want the added stress of caring for a sub right now.  Fostering a new relaitonship when it starts under that sort of pressure can have disasterous outcomes.  You cannot force a relationship on him. If he feels he has to step back, then you have to accept that.  Wether you decide to look for others or if you tell him you are willing to wait for him to see where things are going before he makes the ultimate decision, thats what your role can be.  Offer him the option of putting the relationship on hold rather than terminating it. No pressure, and you let him make all the moves. If things are going to be alright, then you two can start back up once he gets the medical OK. 
Hope that helps.
DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to patina)
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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/9/2006 10:30:47 PM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline 		thank you DV I have read a lot of your post and feel you have some of my same beliefs so can appreciate and accept your advice.  I was worried about arguing or protesting too much with him.  I was thinking of asking him to just put the relationship on a hiatis for now as a friendship only until he feels like moving forward.  That will also let us learn more about each other and even bond for when that times comes.

Patina



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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/9/2006 10:37:16 PM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		If he is going to be within 2 hours of you then suggest meeting up for coffee. At least then you know if he is genuine and will get a chance to talk things out. This is obviously a major issue that needs to be looked at by you both but if you manage it and help him in whatever way the doctor suggests then its possible to form a relationship, but you need to decide whether you want to get emotionally connected to him when he has a life threatening condition.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 2:52:03 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		*Fast Reply*

My Master's kidneys had already failed when we met, and He was on peritoneal dialysis at home. Before we decided to meet He explained what was wrong with Him and I researched it online. By the time I flew to Australia to meet Him, we already had feelings for each other. His health status made no difference to the way I felt about Him. We have been together now for almost 3 years and will be marrying in less than a month.

He had always made it clear to me before we met, that if I changed my mind and decided that I did not want to continue the relationship, He would understand. At no time did He try to put me off - He just laid it all out on the table and left the choice to me. LOL the first few days I was with Him I had to deal with 4 hypoglycemic attacks (He is diabetic) in 3 days, one of which needed an ambulance. If I was going to run it would have been then, but I decided that He was worth it Since then there have been several medical crises which we have dealt with successfully, and hope to continue to do so, together.

Patina, I feel you need more information than just "I have a heart condition". What type of heart condition? Is it life threatening? Is there anything that can be done, e.g. angioplasty, bypass surgery? Master has had an angioplasty to fix a partially blocked coronary artery. He is perfectly fine now, though He is taking blood thinning meds.

Your potential Dom probably needs time to sort out what is happening to him. It can be very difficult for someone when they are told they have something seriously wrong with them, whether it can be fixed or not. I would ask to keep the relationship as a friendship for now, until he knows more about what will be happening regarding his condition.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 3:28:18 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Seems like a cop out to me. Not a very helpful comment so sorry, but that's what impression I get.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 3:31:25 AM   
foxybyproxy


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline 		My impression is similar to Rayne's although more pessimistic. If I were the dominant and had met someone and was as yet uncommitted but then was suddenly  told I had a medical condition that had a good chance of killing me in a short amount of time or leaving me so disabled that my (and her) life would be serverely restricted (perhaps even sexless) and, at best, very difficult, I would do exactly as he is doing. I would not do it  for the  reasons suggested above, but because I could not bear to bring to a partner I had not yet committed to the intense stress and later grief that they would suffer if they grew close to me. Losing one's beloved after being with them for a relatively short time can devestate any surviving partner, but a submissive in a very loving and dependent relationship is faced with the additional difficulty of having to re-learn independence. It depends on the relationship, of course, but for most subs, grief isn't the only hard thing that they face.

As Rayne said, you need much more information about the situation. It may not be the dire scenario I've painted above or it may. You just don't know at this point. Your dominant may be thinking that he is sparing you by not providing those details, but in order for you not to blame yourself for the relationship's failure, he needs to level with you completely about his prognosis. Yes, you are obedient to him and yes it's his decision to make, but he may not understand that when you don't tell a partner the complete truth about a situation that affects the relationship so drastically, they fill in the gaps with imaginings that are often worse (more destructive to them, in the long run) than the truth would be. 

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 3:42:55 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like he's married (or otherwise occupied), done playing on-line games and needs an excuse to be finished with the scenario, hence the heard condition excuse.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 3:52:24 AM   
SirLordTrainer


Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline 		In My view, you dont have to obey anyone who doesnt own you in a 24/7 situation. And if you were owned it would still be a simple matter of using common sense.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 4:36:35 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Let's assume he is completely telling the truth.

You should have let him make the decisions he needed to make in his own time. If you continue to pressure him & force his hand about what choice you think he should make it could cause him to pull away even more. Your story already shows that this has taken place because at first you write that he tells you that he has a decision to make & you weren't satisfied with letting him make that decision... you forced him to make a choice & you forced him to make a choice that supported your unconfirmed suspicion that he had a change of heart. You basically forced his hand & told him that you weren't going to trust him to make a choice that was best for both of you. You had already made the decision that he had a change of heart & you pounced on him about it forcing him to make a choice that would confirm all of your darkest fears.


< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 11/10/2006 4:37:18 AM >

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MstrssPassion


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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 5:03:19 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Please don't jump to conclusions to quickly... I do have a positive message to convey even though I point out some things that may be perceived as harsh.


Personal observation... you say you have a poor sense of time. Maybe this would explain what I'm getting from your own profile. You have gone on & on about fakes, players & wannabe's in your journals & all of these posts are within the last 8 weeks. When were you able to squeeze in all of this quality time with this man you  were so taken with?

You only joined this site 8 weeks ago, almost to the day. Within the first 4 to 5 weeks you have already formed a negative opinion of the site.

Do you see where I'm going with this? It pretty much follows what I already commented about. You force things to take form of the realities that you create for yourself & unfortunately my dear... your outlook on life is a glass half full, or better yet, nearly empty. Your journals read almost like you feel victory when you find out something bad about someone else before they have a chance to find out anything bad about you. What was the point of interacting with the guy who you thought was off his rocker about being some sort of  hypnotist? Was it really worth all that extra time & energy? Don't you think there might have been something more positive & constructive you could have been doing online with your time rather than jerk around with someone you already felt was full of it?

I commend you on the wonderful thing you speak about within your profile... that you took control of one aspect of your life & did something about it. I'm talking about your weight loss. Might I suggest that you take the same initiative & motivation that you had while fixing this part of your life & start working on your mental & emotional outlook of life as well. If you want positive things in your life, you will need to be positive about things around you. If you continue to be suspicious & paranoid about everyone then you will never find one to trust.

Instincts are good but right now it seems that you  view everything in the negative form to easily to be able to fine tune those protective instincts that will ultimately lead you down the right path.

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MstrssPassion


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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 5:05:59 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You don't get a choice in his decisions just as he doesn't get a choice in yours. I'd back off, tell him you would hate to lose the friendship and suggest meeting after he's moved. You might also ask what the cardiologist suggests, valve replacement, pacemaker, angioplasty etc. If he has no immediate response it would suggest that he doesn't actually have a heart condition but is looking to not meet.

Personally if I had just been diagnosed with a problem my immediate response would not be to move away and delay treatment. Now if he proposes to move in with a relative for the recuperative time following surgery that's something different. Sorry but this sounds a little fishy.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 7:17:17 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My guess is also that he's married, or flaking out now that things are on the edge of going to the next level.

BUT presuming he's completely honest...yes, he can say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you because I'm not in a place in my life right now to deal well with it."  It sucks, but it makes sense in a lot of ways.  If I suddenly had a health crisis, I'd tell any cyber friends that I'd be taking time off to focus on other stuff also.

However, his putting on a "dom cap" and somehow saying he "wants it but he's ordering you not to" is just another case of a dom hiding away from his true feelings with the shield of "dominance."  He's not your master, no one can order another person to be in or not be in a relationship- that kinda goes against the idea of consent (with the obvious except of someone who's given their consent in this matter). 

At any rate I'd see it as a very good insight to his personality.  Remember the thread about "testing" and where I said that life and time together will show you more than any "test" will?  This is why.  You know at this point that when he comes up against a tough blow, he shuts you out and uses his "dominance" as a way to justify it.  Do you want a relationship with someone like that?



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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 9:15:29 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

At any rate I'd see it as a very good insight to his personality.  Remember the thread about "testing" and where I said that life and time together will show you more than any "test" will?  This is why.  You know at this point that when he comes up against a tough blow, he shuts you out and uses his "dominance" as a way to justify it.  Do you want a relationship with someone like that


That is exactly what I would be thinking, that sooner or later we all get sick and infirm, all of us have problems. I would not want someone that used their dominance as a way to shut me out of their life and their troubles. I am not a fragile hothouse lily that needs to be protected from life's harsh realities.



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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 11:17:39 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Um.. I hate to say this, but he has no right to make this descition alone. I understand where the m,asters make the desitions but when it comes to things like this it has to be a mutual thing. There are just some things a Master cant deside on their own they havent the right to!!

Magik's slave

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If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 11:21:13 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Depends on what the heart condition is if everything will be fine. Something is fishy about the whole thing. If it doesn't smell right it probably is not. I would be very cautious if I were you.

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 11:41:42 AM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Look I have to ask this..do you have something better to do?
I mean is there something so important in your life that you can not wait and
see how things go?
You said he may be moving closer to you..why can't  you give this relationship the time to see if that changes things?
I dont think he is lieing.

I might not be the best person to be advising you ,
(because I have just recently been betrayed by someone I  truly cared about,
and I am still reeling from the shock of it..even though Master is not surprised)
but I am going to tell you to give him a chance.
It's tough for a any of us to find ourselves confronted with limitations.
Real hard limits of what we can and can not do.
So imagine what a dominant man feels like?
I say be there for him..wait it out.
Stop asking for promises.
If love was easy everyone would have buckets of it to spare.
just sayin'




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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 11:59:23 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Um.. I hate to say this, but he has no right to make this descition alone. I understand where the m,asters make the desitions but when it comes to things like this it has to be a mutual thing. There are just some things a Master cant deside on their own they havent the right to!!

Magik's slave


I hate to say this.........but that's rot. He most certainly does and most probably has.

She's barely known him 3 months to begin with and he can make any decisions he chooses for himself.  I hardly think that speaking to someone for *8 weeks or so* gives them a *right* to anything at all.

agirl

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RE: refuse the Dom orders or not - 11/10/2006 12:45:02 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Back off and leave him with his thoughts.  He is going through some life-changing events right now (it seems).  Tell him you are backing off for the duration.. and then let  HIM call You. 
 
That's how I would handle it.

(in reply to patina)
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