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Very Sad - 11/10/2006 8:37:36 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I am very sad today. A friend of my son's was struck by a truck walking home from school and killed instantly. What does one say to their teen about things like this? How does one comfort them? This was not in the parental handbook. I just feel so helpless.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

Post #: 1

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 8:41:47 AM

KenDckey

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Condolences Julia.   When I was in Atlanta, my neighbor lost their home to a fire.   2 weeks later their 4 children were on the way to school when an 18 wheeler hit their truck and killed all 4.

There was no way to surpress the sadness. There is no way to explain what happened in terms of feelings. I would suggest you try sending him to a grief counselor, give him the facts and hope he will cope the best he can. All the time being there to support him.

I don't envy your position on this one.   There is no way to win.

Again   Condolences to your son and the family

Ken

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 2

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 8:43:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'd say just talk to him about it, get info on the memorial srevices and take him, and not be afraid to talk about the friend in the coming months.

One of the many reasons I'm scared of driving- the idea that I, in any way, could be responsible for something like that, even in a total accident, just overwhelmes me sometimes.

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 8:57:58 AM

LaTigresse

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Oh Julia that is terrible!

Having had teens and one, a boy, I am going to say to watch him closely for signs. Boys often times repress some of those perceived "girl" emotions. Unfortunately they sometimes end up getting expressed in less than positive ways, often long after the fact.

I would also say that if you see any signs he is having difficulty, some sort of grief counseling would be a good idea.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:03:46 AM

sissifytoserve

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Oh man..this is weird.

Last Thursday....my brothers co-worker died..when a truck backed up into him on a loading dock.

Life is too short...for all of us.

_____________________________

A great mind must be androgynous
Samuel Coleridge

The uniting of the feminine and the masculine is the highest form of human development Carl Jung

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:06:12 AM

LotusSong

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Joined: 7/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sissifytoserve

Oh man..this is weird.

Last Thursday....my brothers co-worker died..when a truck backed up into him on a loading dock.

Life is too short...for all of us.

Yup. Sort of put things in perspective, doesn't it :/

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 11/10/2006 9:25:38 AM >

(in reply to sissifytoserve)

Post #: 6

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:16:50 AM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: sissifytoserve

Oh man..this is weird.

Last Thursday....my brothers co-worker died..when a truck backed up into him on a loading dock.

Life is too short...for all of us.

Yup. Sort of put tings in perspective, doesn't it :/

Yes it does put things in perspective quite a bit

Im sorry for your loss sissify.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 7

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:17:54 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Oh Julia that is terrible!

Having had teens and one, a boy, I am going to say to watch him closely for signs. Boys often times repress some of those perceived "girl" emotions. Unfortunately they sometimes end up getting expressed in less than positive ways, often long after the fact.

I would also say that if you see any signs he is having difficulty, some sort of grief counseling would be a good idea.

That is what I was worried about, him "sucking it up".

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:19:27 AM

Emperor1956

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julia, there is no one way to handle this. I would first look to yourself and your dynamic with your son. How do you handle loss and grief? Do you have "tools" (prayer, contemplation, talk, solitude) that you can share with him? Does he want to talk? Contrary to some of the advice you've received, I wouldn't force him into anything (even gentle force) -- going to a funeral for some is cleansing and begins healing; for others it further opens a raw sore. I agree with LaTigress in that I'd watch him a bit more closely. Adolescent boys sometimes act out grief with anger, or sometimes become reckless in the wake of loss (so to adult boys. So do some women, for that matter.)

And keep in mind that our children are incredibly resilient. Despite loss, disappointment and bewilderment, with love, they can grow up to be wonderful people.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 9

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:20:02 AM

agirl

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That's really sad. Losing special people unexpectedly is a blow.

Three things helped my little-ones (8&6 yrs) and my not so little ones (16&18 yrs), cope with losing their Father

One was having input into the *goodbye*, ( three of them wrote prose about what their father meant to them and some memories, and one wrote a poem)
It gave them a chance to think about the reality of him REALLY being gone.

The second thing that helped, which I didn't know until much later, when they told me, was that..........I told them that no matter how much they were hurting right now, no matter how painful it was.....I PROMISED that there would come a time when they'd be able to think about him and it would not hurt as much. They told me that helped enormously at the time.

The third helpful thing was not stopping talking about him. At all. Not avoiding mentioning him, even though it made them cry sometimes. It meant that the pain and uncomfortable feelings got dealt with bit by bit in little bite-size ways.

I know it's a different situation but these are the things that they have told me since then, 6 yrs on, helped them cope.

Just some thoughts.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:23:19 AM

sissifytoserve

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Joined: 8/30/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Yes it does put things in perspective quite a bit

Im sorry for your loss sissify.

It made me think..this is true.

I think my brother is more shook up over it than I am.

He just talked to him 15 minutes before it happened...and was friends with him...
at work anyway.

_____________________________

A great mind must be androgynous
Samuel Coleridge

The uniting of the feminine and the masculine is the highest form of human development Carl Jung

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:25:26 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Adolescent boys sometimes act out grief with anger, or sometimes become reckless in the wake of loss (so to adult boys. So do some women, for that matter.)

I tend to think that people at this age tend to think they are invinceable also, which it is quite a blow to that mistaken impression when something happens like this.

and agirl, those are some wonderful suggestions, and since my son loves to write (kinda like me...smiles) I will suggest he try that to express his feelings of loss.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 12

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:34:24 AM

LotusSong

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From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I would also say that if you see any signs he is having difficulty, some sort of grief counseling would be a good idea.

That is what I was worried about, him "sucking it up".

I'd take him by the hand.. look into his eyes and say.."I know you are hurting, love. I don't know what to say. I've 'been there' is all I can say. It sucks. This is your first time and regrettably it will not be your last time. Each one of us makes our entrances and exits... and we never know when. All we can do is hold the memories dear and go on."

This 'wisdom' is the result of my own experience of being the only 'nearest relative" that had to decide to pull the plug on a favorite Aunt.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 11/10/2006 9:37:47 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:35:25 AM

byule

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Joined: 11/1/2006
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I noticed that you quoted 1st Cor 13:4 Acualy vs 4-8 very much is the defenition of what true love is. So I think the best way to handle it is to qoute this to your son and remind them that "love never fails." and since your sons friend will be in his thoughts then that love for his friend will always go on.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:40:13 AM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I would also say that if you see any signs he is having difficulty, some sort of grief counseling would be a good idea.

That is what I was worried about, him "sucking it up".

I'd take him by the hand.. look into his eyes and say.."I know you are hurting, love. I don't know what to say. I've 'been there' is all I can say. It sucks. This is your first time and regrettably it will not be your last time. Each one of us makes our entrances and exits... and we never know when. All we can do is hold the memories dear and go on."

This 'wisdom' is the result of my own experience of being the only 'nearest relative" that had to decide to pull the plug on a favorite Aunt.

I lost a close friend years ago, and the thought I try to remember every day is to love people, be friendly to people, and wish even my enemies well.

I feel that these are the people who help define our reality, and we never know how long we will be able to tell them we love them before they are gone.

Condolences to your family, juliaoceania.

Sinergy

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(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 15

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:49:38 AM

diamonddreamlove

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Joined: 5/19/2006
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Having lost my husband in July of this year and having a 15 yr old i can tell you it is not easy deciding what part of their behavior is grief and what part is being a teen. Check to see if there is local grief group around. Because school is going on you might find out what the school is doing to help the kids and work towards that as an option. I am a member of a widows online group where we also discuss our issues including our children. Not sure what all is available on line for this particular issue but i do know there are some for teen available so that they can talk to teens in similar grief situations. Check into some of them. The worst part is that you have to be proactive in getting the info to him and perhaps persuading him to get the help. Prior to my husbands death i was Director of Professional Staff at our local grief center and found that as a general rule the teen boys had to be forced to go to the groups but once there participated fully and progressed very well. Unfortuantely the center dealth with many teens facing the death of their friend through similar incidents and it is very difficult. Be there for your son to listen to him when he chooses to talk and above all don't forget to talk about the deceased. Your son might also be interested in helping the parents of the teen that died. Several of the boys i treated found that keeping in contact with their friends family helped the family as well as themselves in dealing with the grief.

Failing all the above get info on grief off the net and share it with him so that he will know and atleast have some understanding of the grief process. Hope this helps. Am always sorry to hear things like this but as a widow and mom of a son without a dad i can say is that losing a child is the hardest thing to do with losing a spouse and father at a young age being second to that. Grief sucks and is very misunderstood. Your son needs to know it does not go away overnight.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to byule)

Post #: 16

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 9:58:42 AM

Rule

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These events often have purpose.

I know of a small girl that was abused by her brother. Her head was crushed by a truck. I am convinced that she wanted the abuse to end and that the divine granted her wish in this way.

I was in a car accident when I was seven and riding my bicycle and ended up in a hospital for nine weeks. It prepared the way for my 'death' two years later. I now know that my death had purpose. For me to become what I am it is required that I die.

I do not know what purpose it served when I was hit the second time by a car about fifteen years ago when I was crossing the street, though.

Sometimes the purpose of such an event does not become clear, but I am convinced that there usually is a spiritual purpose to such accidents.

< Message edited by Rule -- 11/10/2006 9:59:54 AM >

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Post #: 17

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 10:27:40 AM

thompsonx

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Joined: 10/1/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sissifytoserve

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Yes it does put things in perspective quite a bit

Im sorry for your loss sissify.

It made me think..this is true.

I think my brother is more shook up over it than I am.

He just talked to him 15 minutes before it happened...and was friends with him...
at work anyway.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

sissifytoserve:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
thompson

(in reply to sissifytoserve)

Post #: 18

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 10:30:10 AM

sub4hire

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Same thing you would say to anyone who lost a loved one. I'll be there for you if you need me to be. Then be there for them when they don't ask.
My best friends mother died yesterday...when I first told him I'd be there he said he was ok and didn't need me. It hadn't hit him yet...and I said precisely and if you need me I'm here. He then said he would need me here soon.

Nothing more we can do. We all know we feel bad when someone leaves us by death. All we can do is cherish those left behind a bit more.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Very Sad - 11/10/2006 10:35:43 AM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Oh Julia that is terrible!

Having had teens and one, a boy, I am going to say to watch him closely for signs. Boys often times repress some of those perceived "girl" emotions. Unfortunately they sometimes end up getting expressed in less than positive ways, often long after the fact.

I would also say that if you see any signs he is having difficulty, some sort of grief counseling would be a good idea.

That is what I was worried about, him "sucking it up".

I'm sorry for what ya'll are going through, julia. The only advice I can think of is to make sure he knows you're there for him to talk to, if that's what he needs.

On "sucking things up"..... many boys, and men for that matter, hold things in, not as a matter of machismo, or stubborness, but as a way of making sense of things. When they're able to verbalize things, if they have a safe place to do so, they often will, and sometimes the thought process is enough to make things "right" for them.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 20

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