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Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 2:15:33 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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I was just in another post when as I typed I began to wonder about Topping from the bottom..(yep another one of those from me!..cant seem to get it right..~g~)So here's the question...We all know that we as submissives attempt to make our Dominants/Masters happy, free as much from stress or causing it in any way possible.So the said submissive decides to handle a situation that she/he knows will upset said Dominant, she keeps the info from him to protect him, to keep him from unnecessary turbulance in his life.He of course (being Dominant and a mind reader..grin.) finds out and he is angered or not by the what he may feel is either his submissive lying or with- holding of the info. Would you consider this topping or protecting?....Tempting

Post #: 1

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 2:21:06 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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Neither one. I'd consider that playing fast and loose with a relationship which, like all relationships, will do better if it's built on honest communication. Anything less can and probably will damage trust.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 2

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 2:28:03 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
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I can understand handling the situation but not with holding the information from your Dominant. You have to be open and honest with your partner. I'm not sure i'd consider it either topping from the bottom or protecting. I can understand wanting to protect, but again people need to be informed as to what is going on in their life and in the life of those closest to them to effectively manage. If the submissive hides things under the guise of being protective then the Dominant does not have all the neccessary information in which He or She needs to make decisions etc.

For me, i can't keep secret and lies flash across my face like a giant neon sign.

I would deal with something and it needed dealing with but i would most definately tell Sir as soon as possible what the situation was and what I did in regards to it. Then again i do tend to get into trouble for thinking for myself too much at times

If i got into trouble for dealing with it instead of coming striaght to him then so be it and i'd know that for next time. Under no circumstance would i try and hide it from him though.

_____________________________

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 2:36:11 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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In my relationship, this would piss my Lord off and he would see it as me denying him authority in this aspect.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 4

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 3:01:59 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Thank you...Kyra, Bita and Akisha...your resposes absolutely make sense.I never viewed it from that perspective.This helps my understanding of the dynamic better.I suppose I tend in my way to protect those I love, to keep them from unnecessary turmoil..but as not being in a D/s relationship, one needs to understand how such a trait as mine would affect such a dynamic and to avoid the pitfalls..so Thank you ...Tempting

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 5

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 3:02:04 PM

HollyS

Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

So the said submissive decides to handle a situation that she/he knows will upset said Dominant, she keeps the info from him to protect him, to keep him from unnecessary turbulance in his life. Would you consider this topping or protecting?

(emphasis mine)

It's common for people who withhold information from their partner to have an agenda for doing so. It can be a way of exercising control over the relationship while masquerading as "protection," since basically one person knows something the other doesn't. Calling it "protection" allows the person who has the information to justify denying the other person the right to hear the same information and react honestly to it.

Was this information that would ultimately affect him? Affect you in a way that would ultimately spill over on to him? Do you have a dynamic that expects transparancy? There are many reasons within a D/s relationship that would prohibit ever withholding information from one's Dominant, but it isn't the D/s part that makes this problematic. It's a covert power grab within a relationship and most relationships have a hard time surviving when one person is doing things behind the other's back.

Topping? Maybe. Bad for any relationship? Yes, IMO.

~Holly

_____________________________

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 6

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 6:19:58 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Protecting is fine. Lots of subs are great protectors and use their abilities often to protect their dominants.

HIDING things is not fine and ultimately won't protect anyone.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HollyS)

Post #: 7

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 6:40:06 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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To handle the upsetting situation is protecting. To withhold the information is simply being dishonest. I fully expect my boy to protect me from certian situations he is concerned might upset me at the time. However, I dont think I could ever trust him to handle anything at all if I didnt know he was going to tel me about what was done and why, even if it was after the fact.
I dont see that as topping at all. Its a normal feeling to be protective of your protector, even if it makes no sense when you look at it. You want to make someone happy, and you are given an oppertunity to do so. However, hiding the information in the short term is liable and probably will make for a much worse situation later on if the ommision is discovered. Especialy if the Dominant in question doesnt apreciate being shielded.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 6:46:25 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
Its a normal feeling to be protective of your protector, even if it makes no sense when you look at it.
DV

Eh it only makes sense if you believe "Protecting is something that doms do."

Once you realize that is a piece of utter fiction, it's all fine.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 9

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 6:52:22 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear TemptingNviceSub, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes, when I accept the responsibilities and duties of a Master/Mistress; I also accept the duty and responsibility of taking the role of protector.

I cannot fulfill my role if I am not given the information, tools and trust by the slave; as to give me the opportunity to be that protector.
I do realize a slave wishes to act as a protector but, it shouldn't be taken to the level of being the Lone Ranger without Tonto. Having all the knowledge/intelligence to make a choice on what needs to be done, is more helpful no matter the hassle; then to be denied what I need to know as to put into motion, what needs to be done to protect the both of us.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 10

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:18:48 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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I think I am beginning to see where my thinking is skewed on this matter. Especially after reading KyraofMists Posting on Passively Denying Authority...Sometimes I think you get in a mind set especially after being a mother or a daughter of elderly parents where you protect, and maybe sometimes this carries over in other areas of your life.But I now know you should not have it carry over in your adult relationship with your Dominant......Tempting

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 11

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:24:24 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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I dont agree LA. It might not be what ALL doms do. But personally, I am most definately Angel's protector in more ways than one. He was raised to believe that the boy should protect the girl, so he tries, but he is more in need of protecting than he is capable of providing it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 12

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:34:31 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Perhaps you are right Intempting. Perhaps in my situation i was out of place. Situation being there is bad blood with my older brother. I landed into the wall, got a knot on the back of my head. I ended up flipping going into some wierd sort of panic/anxiety attack. Imagine me hysterical, in utter fear, only being able to utter "i'm okay"

So yeah, my Dom wasnt pleased with my brother after hearing about this. Saying that my brother was invited into town by my mother and that i was expected to "attend" would not have pleased him. I knew excatly what he would think, say, and feel. There was nothing to do. Its my brother, things are in the past, and i do love him.

So i was presented with saying "my brother is coming into town" and there be nothing my Dom or i can do about it. Telling him did no good. Except upset him. Yeah and he was utterly livid when he found out.

Or i can "not" say it and wala - nothing negative comes about. Make the best of the situation.

So that goes back the question. What if the information that is being with held does no not help the dominant in any way? If there is nothing a Dom can do to effect a situation? If they must just sit and accept something they find highly unacceptable.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 11/12/2006 7:37:39 PM >

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 13

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:41:09 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

So the said submissive decides to handle a situation that she/he knows will upset said Dominant, she keeps the info from him to protect him, to keep him from unnecessary turbulance in his life.He of course (being Dominant and a mind reader..grin.) finds out and he is angered or not by the what he may feel is either his submissive lying or with- holding of the info. Would you consider this topping or protecting?....Tempting ]

Doesn't consider it to be either. Considers it to be a un-trust worthy act, and lack of trust in your Owner's ability to deal with said situations regardless of what their response might be. If anything, protection from either to either is best availed if full honesty, and communication is present.

Well Wishes

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 14

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:43:48 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

Modified repost:

I have a problem in not wanting to tell Him "outside" things that may upset Him. ("Outside" meaning outside influences or things that are not between He and I directly.) I try to "fix" the situation my way, instead of letting Him take care of things. He understands me and the 13 year relationship I was in where I was expected to "take care of things and be quiet about them." However, He said that I was to always be open and truthful and let Him decide if it was worth Him getting upset. He said that the very nature of our relationship was to ensure that I did not have to worry about these things but rather hand them to Him to deal with. I do this now, but damn, is it ever hard to unlearn certain behaviors.

I think this is also a struggle for me at times because deferring to someone else is not something that comes naturally to me, it is something that Daddy is helping me accomplish.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

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(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 15

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 7:54:10 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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i think Kyra put it best

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 16

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 8:02:15 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Perhaps you are right Intempting. Perhaps in my situation i was out of place. Situation being there is bad blood with my older brother. I landed into the wall, got a knot on the back of my head. I ended up flipping going into some wierd sort of panic/anxiety attack. Imagine me hysterical, in utter fear, only being able to utter "i'm okay"

So yeah, my Dom wasnt pleased with my brother after hearing about this. Saying that my brother was invited into town by my mother and that i was expected to "attend" would not have pleased him. I knew excatly what he would think, say, and feel. There was nothing to do. Its my brother, things are in the past, and i do love him.

So i was presented with saying "my brother is coming into town" and there be nothing my Dom or i can do about it. Telling him did no good. Except upset him. Yeah and he was utterly livid when he found out.

Or i can "not" say it and wala - nothing negative comes about. Make the best of the situation.

So that goes back the question. What if the information that is being with held does no not help the dominant in any way? If there is nothing a Dom can do to effect a situation? If they must just sit and accept something they find highly unacceptable.

Hello Riot..well from what I am understanding from many of the posters is that by not informing your Dominant of this info, whilst it may not change anything and upset him, You are still taking the control from him, disrespecting and not trusting his abilities to deal with said situation. Not necessarily topping as I had thought but a way of denying him his rights.......the info I have recieved thus far has certainly made things a bit more clearer....until of course when I run across another thing that will have me wondering which is up and which is down..~g~...Tempting..

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 8:16:11 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

I was just in another post when as I typed I began to wonder about Topping from the bottom..(yep another one of those from me!..cant seem to get it right..~g~)So here's the question...We all know that we as submissives attempt to make our Dominants/Masters happy, free as much from stress or causing it in any way possible.So the said submissive decides to handle a situation that she/he knows will upset said Dominant, she keeps the info from him to protect him, to keep him from unnecessary turbulance in his life.He of course (being Dominant and a mind reader..grin.) finds out and he is angered or not by the what he may feel is either his submissive lying or with- holding of the info. Would you consider this topping or protecting?....Tempting

He'd consider it lying, playing him for a fool, and definitley very unappreciated (I know because it happened to him a long time ago - not by me).

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 18

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 8:23:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I dont agree LA. It might not be what ALL doms do. But personally, I am most definately Angel's protector in more ways than one. He was raised to believe that the boy should protect the girl, so he tries, but he is more in need of protecting than he is capable of providing it.

DV

I didn't say doms can't be protectors.

I am saying the universal statements "Doms should be the protectors" and "Subs are not the protectors" are false.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 19

RE: Protecting or Topping? - 11/12/2006 8:36:14 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear TemptingNviceSub, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eye, regardless if male or female, we (in a general sense) inherit the natural programing of wanting to protect what is ours and what we consider ours to protect, family, friends and or others.

That said, as a dominant, I want to be included into my slave's/submissive's world and what is bothering them. Sure, it might be logical to have the slave/submissive protect themselves; as well as some slaves/submissives are more than qualified to be in a protector role. But, it is the trust in being included as this is a joined journey and not a intermitten one based on circumstances which is based on protection and or control, as to manipulate the disclosure off course from the natural timing of things.

As a dominant, I enjoy the knowledge that a slave of mine includes me as to share as a team, not acting as independent individuals. Each of us in a team, must act on strengths and weaknesses; so including each other is what makes it a strong relationship.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 20

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