Morrigel
Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl
Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?
Unlike many other posters, I actually have seen this many times, so I know what you are talking about. A lot of people, especially men, come into the scene as dominants, when they are newbies. Some of them do discover that their true nature is actually submissive--others find that they are switches at heart. (The reverse principle also sometimes happens to both men and women as well.)
So far as why people new to the scene might gravitate toward the dominant role rather than submissive, initially--I suspect this is a combination of fear and social training. A lot of people feel a strong attraction to the passion plays of BDSM scenes without really assigning themselves a role. Given this initial confusion, the dominant role is perceived, consciously or subconsciously, as "safer". Also, the personality traits and qualities we associate with dominance in the western world are often admired or considered desirable, especially in a man--"strong", "self-reliant", "confident", "in control" are all considered Good Things to Be by society. Whereas the personality traits we stereotypically associated with submissive personalities are much less valued, especially in America--desperately as we need to see more of these virtues in public life, especially international relations!
In any case, I suspect that with a little experience, many players quickly come to see that some of the strongest, wisest, most confident and "in control" people in BDSM are actually submissives who have come to fully own and enjoy their submissive tendencies. And with a little experimentation, people tend to find the things that work for them and make them feel right, even if initially they are a little tense or defensive. Almost every experienced dominant I know has tried at least tentatively to explore his or her submissive side, even if only out of curiosity about "how the other half lives". I certainly couldn't resist the opportunity to be tied up at least once, just to see what I was missing! How could I resist when the subbies were having such fun! 
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Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?
A lot of hurt people in the world, hon. I read somewhere in the 1980's that one in ten women even in North America has experienced some sort of sexual assault by the age of 21. I can't speak for men, but I'm sure there are a lot of male survivors of assault or child abuse among us, on both sides of the whip. Especially if "child abuse" is defined very loosely, as in "any household where corporal punishment was present", etc..
The therapeutic potential of BDSM in healing the victims of deep psychological trauma is a subject that has barely been scratched by neurological science. I have seen it do amazing things for men and women who used it as a means of "reprogramming" their emotional and physical responses to certain stimuli. Many of them end up being much higher functioning and achieving much higher rates of personal and emotional resiliency. It really seems to help to take positive control of any masochistic tendencies that might have resulted from past abuse, rather than seeking out an endless series of new abusers.
BDSM can be a powerful tool in the hands of a compassionate, ethical dominant. I would be willing to bet that there are many submissives here who could tell you how far they have come from a personally painful history, with the love of a good dom--if they cared to share those experiences with strangers.
--M
< Message edited by Morrigel -- 11/14/2006 1:18:16 PM >
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