An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (Full Version)

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FiestyFi -> An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 6:14:54 AM)

Hi there,
 
Let me introduce myself, my name is Fi and I am a sub, a submissive who is completely new to this scene, I'm seeking a dominant male to train me how to become a sub.
 
I writing to get some advice on a dilemma that I'm currently facing. I meet a dom a while ago, who is/was a truly exceptional dom, we got chatting and I felt a real strong, powerful connection with him. He made me feel secure, I didn't feel nervous or worried about my lack of experience, he is just gorgeous, with an amazing smile, the kind you'd do absolutely anything to see over and over again. Not only that, outside of bdsm we had similar interests. Everything was perfect, our worlds matched, and I felt so excited for the first time in a very long time.
 
He has been the only person who has had any kind of hold over me, and I just couldn't get enough off him. Things were going so well, we talked constantly, and even about meeting up one day. Yet at the same time as meeting this truly wonderful dom, I was going through the worst time in my life, everything around me was crumbling, and I was powerless to stop any of it. I was scared to wake up, and I was scared to go to bed. I was a complete zombie. I didn't want him to see me as this person, so I put up my barriers, no one was coming in. I convinced myself it was the only thing I could do.
In this state I decided to end it with him, it wasn't because I wanted too, it was because I had too. That was the ultimate difference, I had no choice. I know I'm not explaining things very well, its something so private, something that not even my family knows, something I've hidden from the world for years.
 
I kind of told him what had happened, and why I had no choice, although I think he understood, I couldn't bare the thought of him seeing me as 'that' person. I wanted him to see me for who I was, not who I'd become.
 
Since that time, I never stopped thinking about him, I missed him and I desperately wanted to be with him. I've never regretted what I did, because I didn't think it fair for anyone to have to handle what I was going through. But now my life has improved and my feelings and my thoughts are screaming at me to tell him this. I've tried before, but he seems so distant- (which I rightly understand).
 
My dilemma is do I try to contact him again and try to explain? or should I simply forget him?
I don't want to hurt him, or frighten him. I don't want to be some sad pathetic case, nor some crazy stalker, I just want to remind him of me.
 
Please any suggestions, or advice would be gratefully received. I apologise if nothing of what I've said makes sense, its not easy to explain.
 
Thanks, Fi x
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m24.gif[/image]



mnottertail -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 6:20:20 AM)

Life is to short, give it one shot.....if it goes good, if not all you all did what was right.

Me 



IvyP -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 6:24:23 AM)

well......sounds like you maybe arent really ready to be sub....an experenced Master can see thru anything to your real soul.....you choose to let him go, in turn you choose to have control...maybe rethink reasons why you decided to be a sub.....maybe a domme better suits you...


then happy i to love, and am beloved....where i can not remove, not be removed



emdoub -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 6:27:46 AM)

Hi, Fi - welcome aboard!

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Since that time, I never stopped thinking about him, I missed him and I desperately wanted to be with him. I've never regretted what I did, because I didn't think it fair for anyone to have to handle what I was going through. But now my life has improved and my feelings and my thoughts are screaming at me to tell him this. I've tried before, but he seems so distant- (which I rightly understand).
 
My dilemma is do I try to contact him again and try to explain? or should I simply forget him?
I don't want to hurt him, or frighten him. I don't want to be some sad pathetic case, nor some crazy stalker, I just want to remind him of me.


Hmmm... if there was that strong and sweet a connection, I can understand him being distant - especially if you couldn't really explain why you had to break it off.

Mostly, what you did was prevent him from having a choice, by making the choice for him.  Not an unusual mistake, but not often A Good Thing to do.

If I were he, would I want you to contact me now.  I may not be interested in pursuing the relationship further, but I may - and I decidedly like to make those decisions for myself.

Good luck to you, lass.  Do try to remember that you're not responsible for the choices he makes - and unless he submits to you, you don't get to make his choices, either.

Midnight Writer



sub4hire -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 6:45:40 AM)

I'd respond to him once more.  With this sentiment.
"He has been the only person who has had any kind of hold over me, and I just couldn't get enough off him. Things were going so well, we talked constantly, and even about meeting up one day. Yet at the same time as meeting this truly wonderful dom, I was going through the worst time in my life, everything around me was crumbling, and I was powerless to stop any of it. I was scared to wake up, and I was scared to go to bed. I was a complete zombie. I didn't want him to see me as this person, so I put up my barriers, no one was coming in. I convinced myself it was the only thing I could do.
In this state I decided to end it with him, it wasn't because I wanted too, it was because I had too. That was the ultimate difference, I had no choice. I know I'm not explaining things very well, its something so private, something that not even my family knows, something I've hidden from the world for years. "
 
If you had a connection he will understand.  Forget the chat room logic here about you not being a submissive.  It is up for him to decide, not any of us. 
 
Even in the end if he decides you are not right for him.  You will still know in your heart you tried.  Failed but at least you will have tried.  You will have resolution.   If you fail you move on and make it a lesson learned.
Good Luck




raiken -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 7:01:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

My dilemma is do I try to contact him again and try to explain? or should I simply forget him?
I don't want to hurt him, or frighten him. I don't want to be some sad pathetic case, nor some crazy stalker, I just want to remind him of me.
 
Please any suggestions, or advice would be gratefully received. I apologise if nothing of what I've said makes sense, its not easy to explain.
 
Thanks, Fi x
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m24.gif[/image]


Hey i agree with Ron here (who was actually serious this time! proud of ya Ron!-grin)
 
Think of it this way...forget about the D/s title and privilege thang for a minute and remember your human female self.  You are a woman who wishes to find closure with a man who was in your life during a difficult time.  You feel within yourself to make one last contact.  If you don't make contact, this may haunt you for a while. Now the question becomes, do you wish to keep revisiting all the "what if's" that may form in your mind over this situation and man?  Or do you wish to make a final attempt to find closure for that part of your life, so you can be free to move on, no matter what the outcome. i think you may already have made a descision deep down...good luck and nice to meet you Fi...~smile



dvart -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 7:14:16 AM)

Of course you have to go for it.
Be honest but not too over the top at first.
I bet it will work out.
Follow your heart and good luck. [sm=hello.gif]



princessrn -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 7:30:23 AM)

personaly i would if  i was you and was struggling with the words to send to Him copy paste this message and put on the end  of it  i found the words i so longed to want to explaine to You the reason behide my actions ... you can only but try!!! you wanted to run  , hide  , close down  from what was happening to you think we all been there some time in our lifes , its the people in our lifes that help us find the strength to face these times and know were not alone ...im glad your out the other side and things are going better  ..   big hugs !!



mnottertail -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 7:36:59 AM)


Hey i agree with Ron here (who was actually serious this time! proud of ya Ron!-grin)
 
It does not further your cause to accuse me of seriousness, slave girl

Morgarth, the Unintentional 



CreativeDominant -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 7:41:06 AM)

Add me to the list of those who thinks you should try.  I like the idea...even if all you do is cut and paste what you've stated here...of telling him what you've told us.
And doing that is just one person reaching out to another that they were deeply involved with but were not completely honest with.  It is an honest attempt to mend fences and that desire to be honest and communicative bodes well for you, whether it is related to D/s interactions or "normal" interactions.

In relevance to the D/s...after reading the Passive Denial thread, I can see where your actions were a type of Passive Denial.  You did not give him the chance at the time to make a choice as to what he, as a dominant you were interested in, wanted to do.  Having been on the receiving end of something similar based in part on something I had said during a casual conversation and having that be a part of why I was "unsubmitted" to, I can only say that it sucks.  And I can say in looking at it from either a D/s standpoint or the standpoint of someone involved in what is supposed to be a partnership...it sucks.  That is why I have admiration for your wish to at least touch base with him and be honest and communicative this time.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:03:39 AM)

Well you're ignoring the first and essential piece of advice for novices- don't make any commitments to anyone for at least 6 months. 

Personally I think you went too heavy too fast and may still have unrealistic expectations of this situation.  That being said, I see nothing wrong with contacting this person again if you feel secure enough that you won't run away the next time a serious bump comes in the road.



Celeste43 -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:04:24 AM)

If he really was the right person for you then, you would have felt safe telling him the truth about what was going on in your life and allowing him to decide whether he wanted to deal with your problems or not. The fact of the matter is that you ended the relationship because you were afraid of his rejection. The fact that you considered him rejecting you to be the most likely scenario shows that either you weren't ready for a relationship, and may still not be if  you haven't dealt with this, or that you were picking up on cues he gave off that allowed you to know he wouldn't ride out a bad patch.

If you need closure, then certainly send him a letter explaining what was going on and what he had done to make you believe he wouldn't have been there for you. Next, write out a list of all of his exceptional qualities and add to that list all the other things you need in a partner. And keep the list in mind when meeting new people.



dvart -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:30:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

If he really was the right person for you then, you would have felt safe telling him the truth about what was going on in your life and allowing him to decide whether he wanted to deal with your problems or not.

NO
You are assuming that people and situations are fixed.
Their paths crossed at the wrong time.
She was vulnerable and confused.
She was HUMAN for god's sake.
She has to go for it and I hope it works out.
Maybe there is even time for a romantic Krimble.
[sm=banana.gif]



raiken -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:35:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

If he really was the right person for you then, you would have felt safe telling him the truth about what was going on in your life and allowing him to decide whether he wanted to deal with your problems or not.

NO
You are assuming that people and situations are fixed.
Their paths crossed at the wrong time.
She was vulnerable and confused.
She was HUMAN for god's sake.
She has to go for it and I hope it works out.
Maybe there is even time for a romantic Krimble.
[sm=banana.gif]



Thanks for keeping it in the flow of humanity dvart. ~grin As not everything is always so logically cut and dried in situations of the heart.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:36:06 AM)

To the OP..you state that you have contacted him and he was distant. You may have to realize that he has gone on while you were in the midst of your crisis. I am not sure if he is a long distance relationship or not, I seem to have that impression, however.If so are you ready for such an added complication? If so how can that complication be resolved? Do not forget though that although a few LDR's have succeeded most have not.Make sure you think all the pros and cons out carefully before you reinitiate contact.What ever you may decide to do or whatever happens, just know that either way, you  gave it your best shot and have learned a possibly very good lesson...be well...Tempting



happypervert -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:45:24 AM)

quote:

My dilemma is do I try to contact him again and try to explain? or should I simply forget him?

It doesn't look like you can forget him, so you might as well contact him.

But keep in mind that he thought he was starting a relationship with you before and then you yanked the rug out from under him; if he hasn't written you off completely as a flake he'll be really cautious about trusting you again -- that's why he seems distant. It's up to you to prove over a period of time that he can rely on you not to flake out again.

So, don't expect everything to go back like it was once you explain it to him. It's gonna take a substantial effort from you to make things right in his head before things can be like they were and you can start to move forward . . . that is, if he is even interested in you now.



zbabe888 -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:50:33 AM)

I also want to add "Live and Learn".  You know Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy only because of timing!  Because you are new be warned that the emotional ride can often lead you to clinging longer and harder than you normally would.  Be positive that there are others out there that could fill the shoes you need filled as well or even better.

With that said, use the theories behind "He's Just Not That Into You" if it seems like he doesn't wish to reconnect in that way at this time then so be it move on - as it sounds like you already are with the rest of your life.  Lastly, you may have found the lifelong friend that knows you inside out and can guide you, remaining a part of your world albeit not the way to want.

FYI - many subs (myself included) hesitate to open up when we aren't at the right place in life, right weight, right job, right degree, right location etc.  You will always have to fight that - ironically a good Dom will take those feelings and help you work through them.  So in the future don't deny yourself that journey - it's part of the ride!

WELCOME ABOARD!



ExtremeOwnerIL -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 8:56:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyP

well......sounds like you maybe arent really ready to be sub....an experenced Master can see thru anything to your real soul.....you choose to let him go, in turn you choose to have control...maybe rethink reasons why you decided to be a sub.....maybe a domme better suits you...


An experienced Master, able to see through lead sheets, 4 inch concrete and even through a whiteout blizzard, down through skin and flesh and thought to the very soul (although what exactly a soul is apparently is still in question, if we go to a previous topic.). A Masterly Masterful Mastering Master is a Superman!

I make the jest above because I find such statements about "TRUE MASTERS" to be, frankly, ridiculous. People, humans, even "experienced Masters" can make mistakes. As can people who are going through extremely stressful situations. Such a time is not the right one to make such a black and white statement as yours.

To the OP - nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you are as brutally honest with him, as you are here, the worst that can happen is he says "No thank you." You, however, have hopefully grown and learned and will continue to venture into your submission.

Regards,
EO



slavemaia -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 9:05:39 AM)

quote:

My dilemma is do I try to contact him again and try to explain? or should I simply forget him?
I don't want to hurt him, or frighten him. I don't want to be some sad pathetic case, nor some crazy stalker, I just want to remind him of me.


Personally, i think, sweetie, you should follow your own heart. i don't think anyone else has your answers as you know what is wise to do and what you want to do. The rub is that what is wise oftentimes doesn't jive with what one wants. Most people do what they want (must be human nature) rather than what's wise. Being submissive, from my experience, is a wonderful thing, but it, like anything else in this life, also contains it's difficulties and challenges.
 
If you decide to contact him, please be ready to accept what he chooses and his terms. Relinquishing control is what submission is about, at least for me, but it's sometimes tremendously difficult to do so.



slavejali -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 9:20:25 AM)

I agree with what everyones said..give it a shot, you've got nothing to lose...

That being said, do you know the saying "the first cut is the deepest?" I don't agree with it totally but the principle behind it may apply in your case. You mentioned he is the first person who you have ever felt a dominant/submissive exchange with. This can cause some powerful things to happen inside you.and given your situation and newness you may be feeling that he is the only one that can ever do it for you and almost fabricating this strong connection to him because of that.

Contact him, sure...but be prepared that he may not be in a position to re-establish the relationship as it was before..and remember, there are tons of exceptional doms out there..well maybe not tons...but quite a few [;)]

Good luck



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