Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? *Update*


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? *Update* Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? *Update* - 2/8/2005 6:35:42 PM   
tabbycat


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		I don't know if this is the correct place for this- As some know I'm making my first meeting with someone this weekend. (and Yes I've followed all the first meeting "rule" and advise that I could find.) I've even subjected a very helpful member of this board to some questions that he kindly answered.

Here's what I wanted to ask.... Could my own jitters about meeting someone be causing me to see "red flags" where there aren't any? This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.

I don't mean to sound like a airheaded new sub, but I wasn't sure who to ask and you all have always been very helpful to me. This has been a year of finding myself and trying to find where I fit in. But I have to say with all these hard parts, steps, and at times not only trying to see if others are honest, but ones own feelings of the unsure its a wonder any of us make it at all.

< Message edited by tabbycat -- 2/12/2005 10:01:31 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 6:40:44 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Sometimes it can do that yes.

Frankly, thoguh, I *always* listen to my gut.

It hasn't been wrong yet.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 6:46:25 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.


If you aren't comfortable submitting to him before meeting him in person, then don't.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 6:46:35 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have to second Shade on this. There is a big difference between jitters and red flags. Jitters to me are nervous but exciting. Red flags are just a gnawing feeling that something is not quite right. I never discount or try to qualify a red flag. I don't need to know what piece is missing from the puzzle.....just knowing that something isn't quite right with the picture is good enough for me. When I worked with the survivors of sexual assault, I can not begin to tell you how high the percentage of them said "I had this bad feeling....but I just......."

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 6:58:01 PM   
TolerableCruelty


Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		I seen you said you "planned on meeting so fast".......... how fast is fast ??
have you known him days, weeks, months ?

I'd have to say, without knowing all the circumstances involved, that Diva and erin are right..... follow your gut feeling, it's best to be cautious than careless

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 7:23:54 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear Tabby-

quote:

Could my own jitters about meeting someone be causing me to see "red flags" where there aren't any? This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.


I can't see his wanting you to reach out everyday as a D/S issue- it might be a general realtionship issue (especially if he handles it poorly)- and it might mean that he is nervous too.

I am meeting someone this weekend, myself. A fascinating Woman, utterly enchanting, honest and open and proactive.

And I am nervous as a cat with kittens (you should pardon the cat referance<g>). Not terribly 'domly', huh? But certanly human, I should think. as M. Shady said- theres jitters- and then there are red flags- in the end, you have to make your call and go for it, no one else.

But I'd say that the tiki-Tavi family motto is the best idea here- 'Go and find out'...

Stay warm,
Lawrence





_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 7:25:00 PM   
tabbycat


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TolerableCruelty

I seen you said you "planned on meeting so fast".......... how fast is fast ??
have you known him days, weeks, months ?

I'd have to say, without knowing all the circumstances involved, that Diva and erin are right..... follow your gut feeling, it's best to be cautious than careless



Thank you all for your advise and to answer this is a person that i've known less then two weeks total.

(in reply to TolerableCruelty)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 7:27:17 PM   
tabbycat


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Midear Tabby-

quote:

Could my own jitters about meeting someone be causing me to see "red flags" where there aren't any? This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.


I can't see his wanting you to reach out everyday as a D/S issue- it might be a general realtionship issue (especially if he handles it poorly)- and it might mean that he is nervous too.

I am meeting someone this weekend, myself. A fascinating Woman, utterly enchanting, honest and open and proactive.

And I am nervous as a cat with kittens (you should pardon the cat referance<g>). Not terribly 'domly', huh? But certanly human, I should think. as M. Shady said- theres jitters- and then there are red flags- in the end, you have to make your call and go for it, no one else.

But I'd say that the tiki-Tavi family motto is the best idea here- 'Go and find out'...

Stay warm,
Lawrence







Thank you- I hope your meeting goes well!

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 7:31:37 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Here's what I wanted to ask.... Could my own jitters about meeting someone be causing me to see "red flags" where there aren't any? This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.


Well, I'm not new at all, and I'm meeting a local male submissive tomorrow I met on line about a month ago and I have jitters. These jitters aren't a red flag...they are just me, being a girl. Regardless of which end of the whip you are on, there are certain autonomic nervous system reactions that we have to the opposite sex.

Now that being said, not every jitter is nothing to worry about. I assume he's asked you to meet him in a populated, public place. I assume that you've arranged for your own transportation. I assume that you've spoken to this man on the phone. I assume that he's offered or you have asked for relevent information in order to make sure that if something happened, your meeting could be tracked. (If he has a cell phone, he should have no problem having you give the number to a friend in case you need to be reached. This is also a nice way to protect yourself). If all of this has occured, and you've alerted someone that you'll be meeting someone on a 'blind date' (i.e. you've mentioned to a vanilla friend that you've met someone on line who you are meeting for an RL date...there's really no need to disclose that it's a BDSM related thing. I always talk about BDSM meets to vanilla folk in this manner) then I would say you have nothing to worry about.

I've been nervous and a bit jittery about my meet tomorrow for several days now. Not because there's anything that's been a red flag. I've been around long enough to be able to distinguish the 'red flags' from the 'girlie butterflies'. I'm actually feeling a little like a highschool girl. And I don't see this as antithetical to my being dominant; however, regardless of my place in BDSM, I will forever be a woman at heart.

Regardless of whether you are submissive or Dom/me, the bottom line is, when you finally meet someone who hasn't been discounted for any number of reasons, and seems like he or she might actually be compatible with your own 'kink' set, you want them to like you when they meet you. And that, in a nutshell, is where my jitters are coming from.

As I've said before, finding a male submissive may be like shooting fish in a barrel; however, I'm looking for a particular fish. And the tease that I may have found one is enough to make this girl a little jittery.

Best of luck to you Tabbycat. Please let us know how this went for you.
Lily

< Message edited by ProtagonistLily -- 2/8/2005 7:36:13 PM >

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 8:22:26 PM   
angelica4


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/25/2004
Status: offline 		i cannot say it any better than it has all been said. i'll go a step further....don't go. it may be too soon. i find that all the Dominants i have met in the past, have pushed me to meet them....a couple have been great, but the majority were mistakes for one reason or another. a good Dom will want you to feel comfortable....a little anxiety is natural....we always want to be our best, after all. however, if He cannot make You comfortable at this early point, i would certainly take time to assess.....after all, aren't You worth the time and effort? my best to you,

angelica

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 8:32:06 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them. I know a lot of people start online, but since we planned the meeting so fast I don't see why.


A person once told me I would submit to him when we met. I think he was in the Navy...not sure. I remember him driving up from San Diego to meet me. In a very public park.
Anyway, as I had told him prior there would be no submission or anything but talk. Two friends getting to know one another. Guess, he really didn't believe me.
He went home with a broken nose.
Trust your gut. It is too soon more than likely. Submitting at first meeting is wrong in my opinion. I know people do it but I never would.

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 8:32:47 PM   
SirTyson


Posts: 126
Joined: 12/8/2004
From: Chicago, Il
Status: offline 		As topcat said, his wanting to see you everyday may just be a general relationship issue. As most of us know, when getting to know someone online before meeting, emotions can tend to grow quickly. I think what you have is just jitters, not a red flag. Like everyone says, go with your gut feeling. If he mentions wanting to see you everyday before you meet him this weekend, instead of commiting to that make the suggestion that you just see how things go with your first meeting first. Then talk about that more after you've had time to reflect back on your meeting and your feelings about how things went. If he is saying he wants to see you everyday, I would also make sure he understands that sometimes things come up in life that may not allow you to see him every single day and see how he feels and if he understands that. You dont want to agree to it and then one day have to work late or something and gets upset over it.

Good luck with your meeting and I hope it all goes well.

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 8:47:31 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i cannot say it any better than it has all been said. i'll go a step further....don't go. it may be too soon. i find that all the Dominants i have met in the past, have pushed me to meet them....a couple have been great, but the majority were mistakes for one reason or another. a good Dom will want you to feel comfortable....a little anxiety is natural....we always want to be our best, after all. however, if He cannot make You comfortable at this early point, i would certainly take time to assess.....after all, aren't You worth the time and effort? my best to you,

angelica


Your above was in reply to my previous post, but I assume that when you say 'don't go' you are addressing Tabbycat. Cause, I'm going ~grin~

The submissive I'm meeting tomorrow suggested about a week ago that it would be nice to meet me. Because of his work schedule, and the fact that he lives a little over an hour away, it took some scheduling to make the date for tomorrow. I didn't think this was pushy on his part. Because of our busy schedules, it made sense to begin to talk about this and actually nail down a date and time.

The other thing here is, I tend to try to meet someone local fairly soon after we begin a regular email/chat correspondence. That may seem pushy or may seem to set off 'red flags', but for me, it's practical. I have no desire, nor am I in a position right now to invest a lot of time in a fantasy relationship that can't be translated to real life.

When I suggest to a submissive I'm talking to that we meet for coffee, that's the great leveler really. That's rubber and road time. If the person's really an HNG masking themselves as someone who is interested in RL this is a really good way to find out. If a submissive comes up with all kinds of excuses as to why they can't meet you, there's probably something fishy going on. Maybe they are married and have been lying about that, or maybe they just want to use the online relationship for jerkoff fodder. Suggesting a meet will cut through a lot of that.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to angelica4)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 9:16:33 PM   
angelica4


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/25/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Lily, yes, i was addressing tabby. i also understand Your point of view. it does make sense to cut to the chase as quickly as possible. its good to know if you are not physically compatible upfront. my Master had a good method of meeting others...He would set up a one hour meeting, no more or less, for the first meeting.. it would be just for coffee....that way each person could happily leave after one hour without any further commitment. i did correspond to one wonderful man for a year before meeting Him.....i think the timing was not right for either of us, and then suddenly, it was! each relationship is a little different, hopefully each one progresses into something better. i don't know that i would have the courage again to "go looking"....if my current relationship ends at some point, i believe i will stay solo. after experiencing the highs that i have, what would be the point? my best to You,
angelica

_____________________________

"I've known her from an ample nation choose One,
then close the valves of her attention, like stone."

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/8/2005 10:44:52 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tabbycat
Could my own jitters about meeting someone be causing me to see "red flags" where there aren't any? This person has done nothing really that would give me cause to worry. The only thing is that we haven't even met yet and he wants some sort of contact with me every day. While that is something I find fair of a Dom to ask his sub...I don't know how I feel about "submitting" to someone before I meet them.

I'm sorry everyone, but I don't get the reason for alarm...
If you've been chatting for about 2 weeks, you would have some idea of the type of person he is (decent/kind/respectful); If you still have no idea of what type of person he is, and you don't feel a compelling attraction, than don't go;
but, if you've enjoyed staying in touch and your conversations have been normal (not ever given you the creeps or discomfort), than I would say it's anxiety, and I would not sabotage a good potential on that alone.

I personally don't see a single thing wrong with him digging you enough to want to stay in touch every day, except that if you don't feel the same way and he's sounding needy to you, than you should hold off on meeting, and see how he copes. I also would suggest that you honestly tell him that getting/staying in touch every day is outside of your comfort zone at this time, and he should understand.

I can't tell you to go or not; I'm simply saying that based on the little info you've given, I wouldn't stop a PUBLIC meeting not far from your family/friends. JMO though, you should go with whatever you feel/need... M

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/9/2005 5:16:08 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

"....if my current relationship ends at some point, i believe i will stay solo. after experiencing the highs that i have, what would be the point? my best to You,
angelica


Ya know...I remember saying that when I watched His ass get in the U-Haul, as I stood with tears running down my cheeks to the point that I thought I'd actually create a sixth great lake.

And although I like myself, think I'm pretty cool, inevitably to perform a world class tango, it does take two.

Time heals.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to angelica4)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/9/2005 5:52:21 AM   
MsCameron


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/14/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

Ya know...I remember saying that when I watched His ass get in the U-Haul, as I stood with tears running down my cheeks to the point that I thought I'd actually create a sixth great lake.
Time heals.


Nodding... I hear you. As I have written in other threads, my 5 year relationship with my live-in partner ended last June. Still not at peace with that but you're right. Time helps.

As well, my collared submissive of 3 1/2 years will be leaving the country sometime in the next 6 months. He's an American transplant :)

I will need and take some solo time.

Anyway, not what this threads been about.. so good luck tabbycat, Topcat and Lily. Hope all goes well.

Regards,
MsC



_____________________________

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
Lateralis.Tool

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/9/2005 7:22:44 AM   
HoosierScorpio


Posts: 164
Status: offline 		Go with your gut feeling and for some one to ask for a contract before meeting would be a concern. I like to give the girls I am training one year but never gave them a contract for some of them are new to the lifestyle and I want them to be sure this is what they want based on every thing they read. :) Good luck. :)

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/9/2005 8:45:39 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		AS a personal bodyguard and many years in the security field I have always trusted my gut feeling.When the hair on my neck rises I take note...Could be since you are so new at this you may be seeing shadows where there should be none.If you have followed the rules on a first meet the every thing should go well.DIANE and I expect contact every day for of potential slaves/subs...just relax let it flow ...LORDWILLIAM aka THE BOUNTY HUNTER

(in reply to tabbycat)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? - 2/9/2005 8:57:17 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		A contract is worth the paper it is written upon a few cents.I much perfer the relationship bound among friends.a circle of candles with the slave inside,a candle is removed and THE MASTER enter 2 fingers are pricked and two beome one or in our case 3.....I find the ritual of become one by blood is much more lasting then a paper contract.OF course this is just the views of this ol MASTER

(in reply to HoosierScorpio)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Red Flag or Just Plain Jitters? *Update* Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094