Why do I act this way.... (Full Version)

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cherrygirl74 -> Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 7:36:55 AM)

I just recently have become a sub for my Dom, we have been doing this for about 2-3 months now.  I am addicted to being Dom'd and don't think I could ever turn away from this LS.   I am married to another man, who is very against this LS and could and wonld never do what my Dom does for me.

I find that I behave and submit for the most part very well around my Dom, but when I am away from him I have moments that I don't follow his orders....  I know I'm disobeying him, yet I still do it....  Why???  I do not enjoy my punishments and I do not want him to drop me as a sub.  I fear that my immature actions will cause me to loose my loving Dom.....  I am in love with him, and wish so much for one day to be his 24/7. 

Anyone else have this similar issue?  Why do I act out?  I get lots of attention from my Dom, I just don't understand my actions at times.....

Thank you....
Cherry



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 7:46:02 AM)

The quick and dirty answer is that you aren't secure.  You're already getting away with having an affair to the person you vowed not to, now you're seeing how much you can get away with the person you're having the affair with.

As much as submissives KNOW they want to submit in the beginning, it still hasn't become a secure reality for them yet.  And since most novices choose horrible doms the first time around, it simply compounds their insecurity of not feeling they can REALLY let go and have someone wield authority responsibly.

In time you will settle into yourself and break loose from the illusions you have...or find yourself utterly frustrated and clinging to those illusions which no longer serve you.  Ask yourself if this is really want you want to give yourself that long-term life commitment, or just something that really feels intense and that you run towards to escape the boring confinement of your marriage?




Arpig -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:03:01 AM)

Let's see.....
1. You cannot live without this lifestyle.
2. You are married to a man to whom this lifestyle is utterly unacceptable
3. Rather than do the decent thing and end the marriage before you begin a new relationship, you cheat on your husband.
4. And you wonder why you try to cheat on your "Master" as well?
Hmmmmmmm, why might this be?, could it be because you are a selfish immature brat?

End the relationship with the master, end the marriage with the cuckhold. When you are free, then start looking for a new relationship.
If you can't end the marriage, then for fuck's sake live within it. I have no time nor patience for those who would cheat on their spouse.




cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:34:24 AM)

FYI- My husband and I have an open marriage and are swingers.  He is well aware of my relationship with my Dom.  I have not hid this fact from my husband.



KatyLied -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:37:55 AM)

quote:

I am in love with him, and wish so much for one day to be his 24/7.


Is your husband cool with this as well?   



Lenis -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:41:09 AM)

Have you talked to your Dom about it?  If he knows he might be able to help you some.  Maybe you do feel insecure or maybe just a different perspective from within your personal relationship might help.  I know when I talk to my Master he can sometimes point things out to myself that I can't see because I'm so wrapped up in whatever the problem is.  Do you know what I mean?

but honestly,  if your husband is so against the lifestyle and you're so in love with it... it could be come a problem.



cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:44:26 AM)

At this point the love for my husband and family is stronger.....  No my husband is not aware of my feelings, and since I don't fully understand my love for him (my Dom) I am not going to go telling my husband that my love for him is anything more than as a friend and playmate.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:45:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74
At this point the love for my husband and family is stronger.....  No my husband is not aware of my feelings, and since I don't fully understand my love for him (my Dom) I am not going to go telling my husband that my love for him is anything more than as a friend and playmate.

Then it's cheating and having an affair.



cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 8:50:04 AM)

I can appreciate your opinion, but I see it differently.  Once I know what I am feeling I have no issue talking about it with my husband.  I am hoping this weekend to discuss the D/s lifestyle with him more.  He approves of my D as a Dom., playmate and friend.  He does trust him with me.  But, my husband is still unsure of the D/s LS. 

I'm not wanting to come off all defensive and I appreciate your response. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74
At this point the love for my husband and family is stronger.....  No my husband is not aware of my feelings, and since I don't fully understand my love for him (my Dom) I am not going to go telling my husband that my love for him is anything more than as a friend and playmate.

Then it's cheating and having an affair.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 9:01:17 AM)

Welcome to Collarme.  We give crappy advice here.  We might as well recommend talking to your priest about your marital issue, but we don't say that because we like to think we're open-minded.



cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 9:09:03 AM)

LOL!!!  I really appreciate your response!  This is my first post so I'm sure you can understand how I am feeling already......

Thank you for your support.
Cherry

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Welcome to Collarme.  We give crappy advice here.  We might as well recommend talking to your priest about your marital issue, but we don't say that because we like to think we're open-minded.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 9:35:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74
But, my husband is still unsure of the D/s LS. 

First you said your husband was "very against this LS and could and would never do what my dom does for me."

Now he's not sure?




cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 9:42:34 AM)

Wow.... guess I need to choose my words more carefully.....

He is unsure about the LS because he finds it degrading to people, he does not understand my desire to be treated the way I enjoy being treated, and he does not understand that this is something I have always been..... a submissive.

Does that help?
Cherry :)
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74
But, my husband is still unsure of the D/s LS. 

First you said your husband was "very against this LS and could and would never do what my dom does for me."

Now he's not sure?





BitaTruble -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 10:11:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74


I know I'm disobeying him, yet I still do it....  Why??? 


Cherry


Welcome to the boards, Cherry.

Struggling is common when you have an expectation that submission comes from an outside source. You push boundaries and seize control. It's not uncommon and it's what you've been doing for your whole life so it's comfortable for you. The struggle comes about because you've become aware that seizing control and misbehaving isn't the path you want to take and you, now, have to figure out how to turn your feet in a different direction and that's something that has to come from the inside.

When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission, you may, one day, get to the point where you realize that submitting where, when and how your dominant requires rather than as you believe you should, you won't act out anymore.

Everything right now is new and shiny .. its been fun to bottom and have that illicit little thrill that society frowns upon. It starts out that way for a lot of us. For the ones for whom it's a game, it stays that way. A little thrill, a little fun, a slap and giggle and then it gets boring and they move on to something else, adding the BDSM games to the resume of their life.

Others though, like you, begin to struggle because they have found their 'niche' and it bothers them when they don't fit into the mold of their own making. You are unhappy with your submission, simply because you are not submitting and you desparately want to .. so make the choice to do so, then take the actions that best fit in with your choices.

Stop and think. Slow down in movement and action. Reflect before you engage.. learn to question yourself before you give yourself the chance to regret what you've done.

If you just want to have fun, continue to do what you've been doing. Laugh a lot, wiggle a lot, cast sly glances and smiles and you can have a very full life as a bottom or bedroom submissive and that, too, can be lasting or fleeting depending on how seriously you take it. If, however, you want to learn and grow, embrace submission because you 'have' to in order to be fullfilled, then internalize and realize that you don't test your dominant when you act out.. you test yourself .. and right now, you're giving yourself a failing grade. Is that what you want?

Good luck to you,

Celeste



cherrygirl74 -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 10:25:50 AM)

I could cry..... Thank you so much for that....  really, thank you!
Cherry
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrygirl74


I know I'm disobeying him, yet I still do it....  Why??? 


Cherry


Welcome to the boards, Cherry.

Struggling is common when you have an expectation that submission comes from an outside source. You push boundaries and seize control. It's not uncommon and it's what you've been doing for your whole life so it's comfortable for you. The struggle comes about because you've become aware that seizing control and misbehaving isn't the path you want to take and you, now, have to figure out how to turn your feet in a different direction and that's something that has to come from the inside.

When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission, you may, one day, get to the point where you realize that submitting where, when and how your dominant requires rather than as you believe you should, you won't act out anymore.

Everything right now is new and shiny .. its been fun to bottom and have that illicit little thrill that society frowns upon. It starts out that way for a lot of us. For the ones for whom it's a game, it stays that way. A little thrill, a little fun, a slap and giggle and then it gets boring and they move on to something else, adding the BDSM games to the resume of their life.

Others though, like you, begin to struggle because they have found their 'niche' and it bothers them when they don't fit into the mold of their own making. You are unhappy with your submission, simply because you are not submitting and you desparately want to .. so make the choice to do so, then take the actions that best fit in with your choices.

Stop and think. Slow down in movement and action. Reflect before you engage.. learn to question yourself before you give yourself the chance to regret what you've done.

If you just want to have fun, continue to do what you've been doing. Laugh a lot, wiggle a lot, cast sly glances and smiles and you can have a very full life as a bottom or bedroom submissive and that, too, can be lasting or fleeting depending on how seriously you take it. If, however, you want to learn and grow, embrace submission because you 'have' to in order to be fullfilled, then internalize and realize that you don't test your dominant when you act out.. you test yourself .. and right now, you're giving yourself a failing grade. Is that what you want?

Good luck to you,

Celeste



kisshou -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 10:30:21 AM)

What is LS?



KatyLied -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 10:31:05 AM)

LS = lifestyle



kisshou -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 11:20:48 AM)

thank you katy



AquaticSub -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 12:03:03 PM)

Well, your husband knows what you are doing and that is a good thing. But you and your dominant need to understand fully that you are married. That means your first commitment is to your husband and your family. If you must disobey your dominant to ensure what is best for them, then so be it. I don't think you can expect perfection in yourself as a submissive when you have other partners who are placing what are, frankly, more important demands on your life.
I would strongly suggest talk to your husband about trying to incoperate d/s into your life. Remember that some people are ok with their partners have sex with others but not polyarmory and hiding your feelings from him is rather similar to having an affair in this case.



classykindasassy -> RE: Why do I act this way.... (11/17/2006 6:43:51 PM)

It's not an authentic self expression for you and you can't own it - too many conflicting voices in your head.

If you wanted to be dom'd then you would submit like a true slut who wants to please instead of getting one over on Him. We ALWAYS win the game we are out to play when we really look. Few are willing to be so honest with self and others.

There is something to what the sweet BitA Truble has to say. There is a playful sauciness that can enter in, but if you don't enjoy the consequences of it, or are not willing to take them inside yourself for your growth, something is not straight in the communication all the way around. Maybe what you want is a bit of rough sex and a little degradation and humiliation and not anything that intrudes into your married life by way of running orders fom your dom.

You are not clear on what you really are and want, my girl. My unsolicited recommendation is to take a step back and get clear on why you want what you want and the cost and impact that has on you and your marriage (not wrong, just not straight). Like Arpig comments, you have to sort out your allegiance, be clear on the boundaries, and be whole inside yourself. Your boundaries now are all unclear and there's no integrity to any of it (i mean straightness with yourself and all other parties).

That is what has you squicked and ill at ease.

Get clear, and be in complete communication is my unsolicitied coaching.



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