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never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 7:44:22 PM

CandleInTheWind

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline

I know i may raise a few hate threads onthis one but I have always wondered how anyone can concider writing back and forth and talking ont he phone and other non personal type things be called a real life D/s relationship. I dont know what anyone else's views are but well if i havent actually met someone i cannot say that i am involved with them...for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison! I feel that unless you have at least met in person that there cannot be a real time relationship of the D/s nature it is no different that a call a hot girl type of relationship.

I once was engaged to sommoene for 18 months, we actually had dated for six months straight befoe he went over seas to his new duty station i engaged by proxy... he proposed to over the phone and recieved from his brother at the same yes i realize it was a strange set up but at the time i was 19 and my mom forbade me going to japan and stayign without a chaperone before being married...and so we had spent about 6 months apart before he proposed bu we spent another year apart prior to his return...and at that time the engagement was broken becasu ehe was at 21 bright enought o know that we barely knew each other anymore..

and so i was wondering what anyone else feels about this

little red

_____________________________

It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

Post #: 1

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 7:51:07 PM

shaylaSC

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandleInTheWind

I know i may raise a few hate threads onthis one but I have always wondered how anyone can concider writing back and forth and talking ont he phone and other non personal type things be called a real life D/s relationship. I dont know what anyone else's views are but well if i havent actually met someone i cannot say that i am involved with them...for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison! I feel that unless you have at least met in person that there cannot be a real time relationship of the D/s nature it is no different that a call a hot girl type of relationship.

I once was engaged to sommoene for 18 months, we actually had dated for six months straight befoe he went over seas to his new duty station i engaged by proxy... he proposed to over the phone and recieved from his brother at the same yes i realize it was a strange set up but at the time i was 19 and my mom forbade me going to japan and stayign without a chaperone before being married...and so we had spent about 6 months apart before he proposed bu we spent another year apart prior to his return...and at that time the engagement was broken becasu ehe was at 21 bright enought o know that we barely knew each other anymore..

and so i was wondering what anyone else feels about this

little red

Though an online relationship may not be something I would want, I have seen a few that worked well. So my feelings are "to each their own". As long as they are happy and not hurting anyone, who should really care?

_____________________________

leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 2

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 7:56:16 PM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

I know i may raise a few hate threads onthis one but I have always wondered how anyone can concider writing back and forth and talking ont he phone and other non personal type things be called a real life D/s relationship

How can a married couple, who are seperated due to certain circumstances, and who rely only on writing and phone calls still call themselves married and in a relationship?

quote:

I dont know what anyone else's views are but well if i havent actually met someone i cannot say that i am involved with them.

Some people spend their whole lives doing nothing but corresponding with another; and yet, they know that person better than their own family sometimes.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 3

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 7:58:41 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I feel that like most people you view the world through your own experiences. Lets just say that for you these sorts of relationships are not real, but for others they are very real. It really does not matter how anyone else perceives it but the people involved. I wonder why people spend so much time measuring the realness and worthiness of what other people do, experience, feel, or the way they define themselves.

For me a foundation for a long lasting relationship could be built without meeting the person first through the written word, I have done it before, and experienced him in the real world as well. I do not think that the foundation was unreal, the feelings were unreal, and the time and energy spent by both of us was unreal. It did not work out, but that was not because we were not "real"... it just did not work out.

In WWII there were many GIs that exchanged love letters with a gal back home, and when they came back after the war many of these penpals married each other. Their marriages were much more successful on every measure than others from the same generation as they came from, so perhaps there is more to falling for someone via the written word then you can begin to believe. It happens, and you may not think it is valid, but marriages that lasted over 50 years, children and grandchildren of these couples will attest to the validity of meeting this way in the 1940s. I think in 20 years we will have a basis to understand whether people who met each other via the internet and married have the same experiences as that generation that exchanged love via international mail.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 4

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:07:23 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I was recently given a set of letters that were written between my grandmother's parents. Their relationship was conducted by way of correspondence; he was in San Francisco, and she was in Italy (their families knew each other). He proposed to her by way of letter, after writing to her father to ask for her. She responded by way of letter. Then she made a very long trek by ship to the east coast (I have the shawl she knitted on this journey), followed by another long journey by train to San Francisco. He arrived to greet her at the train station, and they were married that day, and remained married until his death.

My parents met once, in Spain. They corresponded for a year, when he returned to marry her. They were married for 51 years until my father died last summer.

Who am I to judge what is "real" in a relationship?

I have never met face to face with one of my very dear friends. We met online 5 years ago. We call each other all the time. The love I feel for her is very real indeed. I tend to conclude it is a closed mind which can not expand enough to understand that one person's limitations are not universally so.

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 5

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:08:24 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandleInTheWind

I know i may raise a few hate threads onthis one but I have always wondered how anyone can concider writing back and forth and talking ont he phone and other non personal type things be called a real life D/s relationship. I dont know what anyone else's views are but well if i havent actually met someone i cannot say that i am involved with them...for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison! I feel that unless you have at least met in person that there cannot be a real time relationship of the D/s nature it is no different that a call a hot girl type of relationship.

No hate here. I guess its a personal thing, and to each their own. Personally I see nothing wrong with online, over the phone relationships, D/s or otherwise. I have had good and bad experiences, which could happen in real life too. I consider myself involved in someones life when they involve me and yes, they might be inmates at the local prison, though with web cam and phone calls you can safely rule that one out. For me a D/s relationship is all about trust, respect and honesty. Online/phone relationships demand (IMO) a stronger need for trust, repsect and honesty. I would not recommend having an online only relationship thats lasts as long as my last one did, I believe if you cant organise to meet within a certain time frame, then you are probably never going to me. Yes, its easier to be decieved over the internet, but married people in real life relationships decieve people ll the time too. So I dont neccessarily believe its an online issue so much as the "asshole factor" - LOL
I meet online with the intention to meet face to face.
Some meet online and play online cos thats how they want to do it, they are happy with the anonminity of it all etc.
What I find odd about some of the D/s relationships here that are LDR is that some are not that far apart and yet stay apart and are happy to only meet up monthly, etc. Once I have met someone and decided I'd want to be with them, I'd have to be with them, going part-time would kill me - lol.
As I say to each their own

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 6

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:12:47 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

In WWII there were many GIs that exchanged love letters with a gal back home, and when they came back after the war many of these penpals married each other.

That's kinda how I got my head around forming a relationship with Master over the internet, I saw him like a pen-pal that turned me into a *mail-order-slave*. :) It was a kinda kinky hot thought to me at the time, so impersonal making arrangements for my own enslavement via a computer.

We spent like 3000 hours chatting before we met, I think it brought a depth to the relationship upon physical contact, we already knew so much about each other.

Besides, I have a thing for American men

I keep adding things to this, I do want to say also:

It wasn't till we touched that the relationship was solidified, it wasn't till we touched that we had to go through a whole process of coming together as a working couple. Things had to be grounded etc....that takes time and physical contact.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 11/19/2006 8:18:25 PM >

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:21:20 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I have never met face to face with one of my very dear friends. We met online 5 years ago. We call each other all the time. The love I feel for her is very real indeed. I tend to conclude it is a closed mind which can not expand enough to understand that one person's limitations are not universally so.

I have a number of friends like this also, some I have met, others I have not.
And I agree about the closed mind. I believe that if I put limitations on who or how I will find someone I could very well be passing up my soul mate and not know it.

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 8

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:22:49 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have a couple of online friends in Australia, he went to be with her and they are married today, he is an American and they met in Yahoo chat.

Edited to say I have another online friend that met her husband in chat too, they have been together 8 years

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/19/2006 8:23:24 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 9

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:25:09 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

We spent like 3000 hours chatting before we met, I think it brought a depth to the relationship upon physical contact, we already knew so much about each other.

Besides, I have a thing for American men

Yep, got to love those Yanks

And I agree, there is a certain to knowing someone online only first. You communicate more and concentrate on the sex less. Sex/lust in the early stages of a relationship can often cloud who or what someone is and by the time the lust has gone you might find yourself with a loser

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 10

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:35:51 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandleInTheWind

I know i may raise a few hate threads onthis one but I have always wondered how anyone can concider writing back and forth and talking ont he phone and other non personal type things be called a real life D/s relationship. I dont know what anyone else's views are but well if i havent actually met someone i cannot say that i am involved with them...for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison! I feel that unless you have at least met in person that there cannot be a real time relationship of the D/s nature it is no different that a call a hot girl type of relationship.

~Your call. Your reality. Great. We all make our own reality, for some it is online, then we live in it. Simple as i see it.

I once was engaged to sommoene for 18 months, we actually had dated for six months straight befoe he went over seas to his new duty station i engaged by proxy... he proposed to over the phone and recieved from his brother at the same yes i realize it was a strange set up but at the time i was 19 and my mom forbade me going to japan and stayign without a chaperone before being married...and so we had spent about 6 months apart before he proposed bu we spent another year apart prior to his return...and at that time the engagement was broken becasu ehe was at 21 bright enought o know that we barely knew each other anymore..

Some folks do come back changed, and are no longer the same person they were when a commitment was made in an earlier life and mindset. The person waiting on the other end, may have changed also, as growth is inevitable. In that type of situation, amnesty from prior committments is a sensible way to go.

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 11

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:36:54 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SamKeithsslave

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I have never met face to face with one of my very dear friends. We met online 5 years ago. We call each other all the time. The love I feel for her is very real indeed. I tend to conclude it is a closed mind which can not expand enough to understand that one person's limitations are not universally so.

I have a number of friends like this also, some I have met, others I have not.
And I agree about the closed mind. I believe that if I put limitations on who or how I will find someone I could very well be passing up my soul mate and not know it.

Technically "relationship" just means the way two people or things interrelate. So to say the way two people relate is not real doesn't make sense. Now in my case it's not ideal, but this does not mean it is not real.

(in reply to SamKeithsslave)

Post #: 12

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:39:11 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison

I think for most distance is the determining point for not meeting real time.   If he were an inmate at a local prison and 'that' close yet denied a meeting I might wonder why he hesitated on meeting, futher I thought that inmates were not allowed internet connections.   If they are I think they are restricted as to when and where they may go on the net.   Imagine the inmate who is a pedophile allowed to connect to chat rooms where he can conduct himself as he would on the outside connecting to children all over the world so he can continue to cyber with children and or have access to child porn.
I personally think that online relationships sometimes have a deeper more meaningful mental connection.   Some relationships are built purely on the physical end of it and sadly most of the time it doesn't last simply because there is no mental connection.   How can that be called love when the heart and mind have never connected but yes it happens.

(in reply to SamKeithsslave)

Post #: 13

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:46:14 PM

JerseyKrissi72

Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline

I met my late Master online and before meeting in person we chatted online for a few months...In those few months of chatting online via mic/ cam, on the telephone and even written letters through the mail to one another...I truly communicated with him in a more deeper manner than I ever did my kids' father to whom I was married to for over ten years....We took the time to get to know one another inside before having a physical relationship so when the time came to meet in person I ran into his arms as though I had known him all my life....

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 14

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:46:34 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I was recently given a set of letters that were written between my grandmother's parents. Their relationship was conducted by way of correspondence; he was in San Francisco, and she was in Italy (their families knew each other). He proposed to her by way of letter, after writing to her father to ask for her. She responded by way of letter. Then she made a very long trek by ship to the east coast (I have the shawl she knitted on this journey), followed by another long journey by train to San Francisco. He arrived to greet her at the train station, and they were married that day, and remained married until his death.

My parents met once, in Spain. They corresponded for a year, when he returned to marry her. They were married for 51 years until my father died last summer.

Who am I to judge what is "real" in a relationship?

I have never met face to face with one of my very dear friends. We met online 5 years ago. We call each other all the time. The love I feel for her is very real indeed. I tend to conclude it is a closed mind which can not expand enough to understand that one person's limitations are not universally so.

I can totally relate to this as well. I also "met" a woman about 6-7 years ago in a chatroom on aol that we both used to frequent. We had chemistry and seemed to speak the same language and began leaning on one another through troubled times and talking every day. Over the years, we have been friends and supported each other through lifes ups and downs, including her relocation, her marriage, my divorce, her kid going through college, experiencing his first heartbreak and landing his first job, each of us losing relatives to death, and on and on. We have shared photos of our homes, redecorating that we've done, gardens that we planted, just for the chance to see a glimpse of each others world's. Its a treat that she will send me something as simple as a photograph of her dining room table all set for christmas dinner, with the centerpiece that she made, or a photo of the new tree she planted on her front lawn, her home decorated for halloween and we share photos of ourselves with our children when they were younger and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. We have shared the most highly personal information with one another, without the fear of judgement or condemnation. We send each other gifts and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. I don't know if I will ever meet her. But we continue to be in touch all the time. Almost daily. I'm not in a position to just hop on a plane and travel right now, my girl is still young and I I dont have those freedoms right now. She lives in Tennessee and I live in Jersey. But maybe someday, I will meet her, touch her, be able to put my arms around her and just cry at the pure joy of being able to be in her physical presence. I can say, as whacky as it sounds, that I consider this women one of the closest, dearest and most important friends I have ever had in my lifetime. I know in my heart, that I love her.

On the other hand, Im not sure that I could have a Ds relationship this way, in fact, Im pretty sure I couldnt, but I can see how people would and do become attached via correspondence in complete absentia of the physical body.

With others, I have began talking to them here, but then taken it to real life...male/female Ds relationships, as well as friendships with people who are local that I was able to meet. But...yeah....I could totally understand 'lovers' who would connect via a cyber root and be just as sure of their feelings as those who meet and have a relationship in real time. Before the computer, there were penpals during wartime and people certainly did fall in love with one another, as many here have noted. For me, it would be too painful to let myself feel submissive to that degree, to a person that I can't be with, but I can surely understand how it would work for others.

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marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 15

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 8:53:55 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

for all i know that person may very well be an inmate at the local prison

I think for most distance is the determining point for not meeting real time.   If he were an inmate at a local prison and 'that' close yet denied a meeting I might wonder why he hesitated on meeting,

I was meant more the idea he might be an inmate pretending to be ........... a whatever LOL

I personally think that online relationships sometimes have a deeper more meaningful mental connection.   Some relationships are built purely on the physical end of it and sadly most of the time it doesn't last simply because there is no mental connection.   How can that be called love when the heart and mind have never connected but yes it happens.

I agree.

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 16

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 10:55:44 PM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

I have friends all over the world whom I have never seen, face to face. Are we involved? Yup - I'm glad when things are going well for them, and sad when they're having a bad time.

Is this the way I'd want to structure an intimate D/S relationship? Nope. Others seem to enjoy it, though.

I had a long-distance (a few hours' drive) relationship for a while with a bottom, but I called it to a halt - she wanted a top, and I wanted a submissive. We're still friends, but it did reinforce my attitude about LDRs - I want my sub to be within easy reach.

Another TIES Ossifer, however, has a LDR - they see each other on alternate weekends, at alternate locations - it's several hours of driving from here to there. It seems to work for them - not my kink, but their kink is okay.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)

Post #: 17

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 11:44:55 PM

Mikal

Posts: 3673
Status: offline

Many members of my family met their spouses through correspondance (from my Grandparents to younger cousin). What I find interesting, is that some who had met in real life have divorced. None who met through correspondance (war letters or internet) have. Mind you, neither group has been involved in bdsm (that I'm aware of), so I have no idea about such a relationship.

Personally, I'd try long distace (I'm actually contemplating the possibility of one now.. *happy grin*... despite what I said in my profile). If nothing else, it's an experience!

_____________________________

You know that I am a sexy penguin.

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 18

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 11:54:30 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikal
Personally, I'd try long distace (I'm actually contemplating the possibility of one now.. *happy grin*... despite what I said in my profile). If nothing else, it's an experience!

Well good for you! I hope it all pans out for you

If you are anything like me and didnt try the LDR you may be left thinking/wondering "what if?" I just think life is too short not to take the occasional risk or to limit ourselves.

< Message edited by SamKeithsslave -- 11/19/2006 11:55:06 PM >

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to Mikal)

Post #: 19

RE: never met? how can it be a real relationship - 11/19/2006 11:58:21 PM

Mikal

Posts: 3673
Status: offline

Exactly SKslave!

And thanks for the well wishes!!!

_____________________________

You know that I am a sexy penguin.

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Post #: 20

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