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wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 7:05:12 AM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		Some ladies say they welcome discussion, chat, freindship from Doms/Masters, subs/slaves and in fact "could use" some of the aforementioned within lifestyle in the body of their profile.

With this being said, over the last year many times Master has been in chat with a lady who He felt i should chat with rather than He; so He asks the lady if she would like to speak with his slave as she might better help or share ideas. When she says yes, she shuts down chat or communication with me relatively quickly.

Master and i have spoken often of the very discussion i had yesterday with a local Dom
who i met for coffee. We discussed subs/slaves who would not chat with other subs/slaves or Doms who did not chat with other Doms for discussion, advice, sharing of ideas, etc.
Given, many Doms will NOT let their ladies speak with anyone, be it sub or Dom. Is this a lack of trust or is it insecurity or is it both?

Master and i have also spoken about mentors in lifestyle and the function of them and how one obtains such a mentor. The discussion fell to this yesterday as i met the local Dom. His expereince, as is O/ours, is that girls ONLY seem to want Dom mentors and not sub mentors when should it not be that a sub mentor a sub, a slave mentor a slave? A Dom mentor a Dom?

i considered Terry a mentor of sorts. But only in relation to how i approached Doms in real or online. He is a DaddyDom and for some reason he felt my shyness and reserved nature, lack of assertion, etc and began helping me to come out of this, encouraging me to go to local munches or sub meetings and to find a local Dom to hang with to take me to local munches and to find a local sub to hang with to attend meetings with. i never did find a local sub, but a local Dom somehow found me and took me to my first small local munch. This Dom, when finding out i was owned later, split. Terry still emails to see how everything is going on rare occasion.

i have briefly spoken with several ladies who have "mentors" who really totally control who they speak with, when, how they dress, make them do "homework", etc and do not realize these are not mentors, but they have possibly given themselves to someone they have never met and will possible never met in a mental, emotional , psychological way. Some even cyber or phone sex with their "mentors." <shudders> Is this the function of a mentor? IMHO, tis not, but then that is my opinion.

Those of U/us who read forums and post on forums "seem" to be in a different area than those who do not read or post in forums. W/we seem to begin freindships and know folk and their stories from reading their posts, a bond forms of sorts.

All that being said, why is it that subs/slaves are so adverse to becoming friends with another lady in lifestyle? Do they fear the bi portion of their profile and think, jeeeez she is hitting on me? i have repeatedly said, i have no sexual interest in a woman if i am not friends first, if their is no chemistry or absolutely no interest. i would NEVER push who i am on another. Granted, IM and email chat is a hard way to get to know another lady and begin to share information about desires and struggles and victories, but it does and can happen.

Any person, human being, will never know who another one is until they take a small step to risk opening themselves up in social banter via email or IM. We do it all the time with strangers we met in "real life" so why the closemindedness when if you don't like someone you have started chatting with, all one needs to do is say, no more, thank you.

We seem to want a destination before we even begin a small step on a journey.
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

Any comments, opinions, flaming, judgements...all are welcome..

Master Damian's shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 7:12:24 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Hmm, I am always open to friendships but do not write to Doms normally due to the fact that I am married and it is frowned upon. I have other subbie friends. As far as people not keeping in touch with you could simply be life getting in the way. As in my case, I am a professional and this is a busy time for me so I can't email as much. I have a family and sometimes things come up where I can't keep in touch. I am opinionated so I post on the forum when I can (which seems to be a lot but when you do a count there are not that many). I am assuming that is one of the problems with your respondents. So, don't take it personally.



_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 9:17:32 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
With this being said, over the last year many times Master has been in chat with a lady who He felt i should chat with rather than He; so He asks the lady if she would like to speak with his slave as she might better help or share ideas. When she says yes, she shuts down chat or communication with me relatively quickly.



I've been guilty of this on occation. I am here to talk to people of just about every orientation, but when it seems likely/obvious that the person I was talking to is in fact the "slave" herself, trying to illicite jerk-off material, I say goodbye.

I know this isn't the case with you, but I find that often when someone says "would you like to speak to my slave" he means "would you like to talk to my alternate person who I think will be non-threatening and more likely to get you to say something exciting."

As a result, my defenses are kinda high when someone offeres to let me speak to their partner. I think it's possible I've stopped talking to real people, because I've waded through so many two-in-one master/slave combos.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 9:31:15 AM   
Wolfspet


Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		I have no problems chatting it up with anyone. Although I do see a habit of "if your not like me, I can't talk to you" coming from the 'bottomy" types more oft then the "Toppy" type.

I have ususally chalked it up to a need to have people similar to them so as not to "contaminate" their choice of dynamic.

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 9:59:15 AM   
Moleculor


Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		Wear more cyber-deoderant?

(in reply to Wolfspet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 6:33:18 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moleculor

Wear more cyber-deoderant?



hehehehe ... got some of your cyber geeky stuff? havent found the web site that sells it yet. lol

shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to Moleculor)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/10/2005 9:02:18 PM   
Tangwystal


Posts: 121
Joined: 8/18/2004
Status: offline 		I am more than willing to talk to just about anyone. I will sometimes even talk to the *wannabees* when I am in the mood to really get them irritated. I get to sit here at work all night long and read thru the boards and email to people who want to talk. I do draw the line on those who offer to talk and then don't.

Had one the other night from here ask me if I wanted to talk and to email him. I did. He didn't respond for over an hour, then asked me to tell him more about me and if I had a cam and yahoo.

I told him a bit about me, answered the question, asked if he would tell me a bit about him and his response was, "I have to go, see you on yahoo later."

NOT BLOODLY LIKELY!

So talk has to mean talk or they won't get anywhere.



_____________________________

non mihi, non tibi, sed nobis

Tangwystal

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/11/2005 7:38:59 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Master and i have spoken often of the very discussion i had yesterday with a local Dom
who i met for coffee. We discussed subs/slaves who would not chat with other subs/slaves or Doms who did not chat with other Doms for discussion, advice, sharing of ideas, etc.
Given, many Doms will NOT let their ladies speak with anyone, be it sub or Dom. Is this a lack of trust or is it insecurity or is it both?

Master and i have also spoken about mentors in lifestyle and the function of them and how one obtains such a mentor. The discussion fell to this yesterday as i met the local Dom. His expereince, as is O/ours, is that girls ONLY seem to want Dom mentors and not sub mentors when should it not be that a sub mentor a sub, a slave mentor a slave? A Dom mentor a Dom?
never met in a mental, emotional , psychological way. Some even cyber or phone sex with their "mentors." <shudders> Is this the function of a mentor? IMHO, tis not, but then that is my opinion.


All that being said, why is it that subs/slaves are so adverse to becoming friends with another lady in lifestyle? Do they fear the bi portion of their profile and think, jeeeez she is hitting on me? i have repeatedly said, i have no sexual interest in a woman if i am not friends first, if their is no chemistry or absolutely no interest. i would NEVER push who i am on another. Granted, IM and email chat is a hard way to get to know another lady and begin to share information about desires and struggles and victories, but it does and can happen.


The doms who have issues with allowing their submissives talk to other's are control freaks. They don't have enough control in their daily lives. So, they abuse the fact they can control someone for a brief moment each day.

As far as your mentor question went. Well, I've never seen that at all. I've mentored doms and subs alike. Can't say I've mentored any slaves. One called herself a slave but in my mind she was no where close.
Men, women and everything in between. You are correct about the mentor's controlling their mentoree's as not being mentors at all. Only online have I ever heard a man say a female submissive could not mentor him. I've never seen a female say a man could not mentor them.
I think it is an online thing.

As far as becomming a generic friend. I don't see an issue. I can see however the statement perverse said. Perhaps the man wants to talk to you, you pretty much say no then he brings his sub on to talk to you.
That has happened quite a bit on the other side. I get e-mails all of the time from complete strangers saying....hey mastersoinso he is fantastic I think you should talk to him.
Most end up running from me after I've chastized them up and down. For just e-mailing me out of nowhere..I mean why would I trust a stranger who is trying to hook me up with a stranger?
Usually it ends up along the lines of, who are you his pimp?

Outside of that. I do get to know people. Pretty much anyone who wants to get to know me.
I'm also very busy. When I get an e-mail from a friend it may take me a little longer to read it. It takes some thought to go into it. It does happen though.

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/12/2005 2:13:02 AM   
angelicalistical


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline 		i'm a bit guilty of this myself, especially when it comes to the male Dominants. i suppose part of it has to do with the fact that i have not spent much time with others in the lifestyle, i have had no trouble speaking with those for whom i knew personally from munches and such, but others who i'm just meeting up with online, it's another story. it's almost as if everything said is a "trigger" even when it isn't...so yes, i chaulk it up to my own inexperience *sigh


(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/12/2005 7:05:45 PM   
sweetnygirl


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		One of the reasons I joined CM was to start some friendships with other subs in my area, especially since I am very shy. But all I seem to get is emails from Doms who want to know what experience I have & to see pictures of me, even though my profile states that I’m only looking for friends. I would be glad to talk with other subs of both sexes. As far as I’m concerned friends are always welcome in my life. I would like to have a friend that I could talk to openly about some of the sessions I have had; to someone who’s been there and knows how it feels. I would like to go to some of the munches in my area but find it very difficult to walk into a place not knowing anyone. Knowing another sub would make it much easier for me to be able to do that.

_____________________________

Take time to eat the flowers!

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/12/2005 10:59:37 PM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		I enjoy speaking to both Tops and bottoms as long as they aren't out to devil me to irritation and as long as they're not what I refer to as "wannabe/pseudo Tops" trying to convert me. I get bloody tired of that.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to sweetnygirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/13/2005 2:21:01 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
i have briefly spoken with several ladies who have "mentors" who really totally control who they speak with, when, how they dress, make them do "homework", etc and do not realize these are not mentors, but they have possibly given themselves to someone they have never met and will possible never met in a mental, emotional , psychological way. Some even cyber or phone sex with their "mentors." <shudders> Is this the function of a mentor? IMHO, tis not, but then that is my opinion.

You are right in not considering that a mentor relationship. It is a D/s relationship. They are subbing to that person, no matter what name is put on it. But, if they are happy.. more power to them.


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
With this being said, over the last year many times Master has been in chat with a lady who He felt i should chat with rather than He; so He asks the lady if she would like to speak with his slave as she might better help or share ideas. When she says yes, she shuts down chat or communication with me relatively quickly.

The simple fact is that people of the opposite sex are often more interesting. While a woman may be willing to start talking with you, it isn't as interesting. I don't mean you're dull, but unless the woman is bisexual, flirting with you isn't any fun. She is probably not looking to talk about submission with a female.. she is on a Dom hunt. Talking with it with him gives her a thrill. You don't. Simple fact of life and sexuality.


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires

Given, many Doms will NOT let their ladies speak with anyone, be it sub or Dom. Is this a lack of trust or is it insecurity or is it both?


I've noticed this in both Dom and Domme. It baffles me. My sub is not only allowed to talk with others, I think it is healthy that he does so. I do like to know who he is talking with so I know the quality of information he is receiving. I trust my sub. I also know I'm the best Domme for his needs. We're a perfect match. Perhaps that makes it easy for me to grant him freedom.


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
His experience, as is O/ours, is that girls ONLY seem to want Dom mentors and not sub mentors when should it not be that a sub mentor a sub, a slave mentor a slave? A Dom mentor a Dom?

I agree that a sub should be mentored by a sub and a Dom/me by a Dom/me. There are issues on both sides that can not be addressed by one of the other orientation. I've always felt that subs wanting a Dom to mentor them are actually wanting a Dom.


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
All that being said, why is it that subs/slaves are so adverse to becoming friends with another lady in lifestyle?

If they are owned subs, it may be that they feel threatened by another sub near their Dom. I'm going to share a story about a casual friend of mine. She has been married for a long time to her sub/husband. There is no question that she loves him. For years, she has played with other subs on a casual basis. There has never been a problem. About 6 months ago she met a sub. They met at a real time event and it started with talking. After several times of getting together to talk and hang out, they progressed to casual play. That quickly morphed into more. Now, the new sub lives with them and she will be collaring him. She refers to the new sub as her precious joy and says she is madly in love with him. She says her husband and he get along great and really like each other. What do you think? It gave me a bit more of an understanding of why people in even committed relationships can be careful about who is around their life partner.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/15/2005 6:27:18 PM   
realophelia


Posts: 168
Status: offline
quote:

All that being said, why is it that subs/slaves are so adverse to becoming friends with another lady in lifestyle?


I like to chat with other subs or slaves. Though I don't get a lot of opportunities to do so.

~Ophelia

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/16/2005 4:46:39 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpleaser

Hmm, I am always open to friendships but do not write to Doms normally due to the fact that I am married and it is frowned upon. I have other subbie friends. As far as people not keeping in touch with you could simply be life getting in the way. As in my case, I am a professional and this is a busy time for me so I can't email as much. I have a family and sometimes things come up where I can't keep in touch. I am opinionated so I post on the forum when I can (which seems to be a lot but when you do a count there are not that many). I am assuming that is one of the problems with your respondents. So, don't take it personally.




you opinionated? Never! *giggles*

as one of the -- life gets in the way *sighs* i miss ya sis!

quote:

Some ladies say they welcome discussion, chat, freindship from Doms/Masters, subs/slaves and in fact "could use" some of the aforementioned within lifestyle in the body of their profile.

With this being said, over the last year many times Master has been in chat with a lady who He felt i should chat with rather than He; so He asks the lady if she would like to speak with his slave as she might better help or share ideas. When she says yes, she shuts down chat or communication with me relatively quickly.


i agee with sweet but also think that some people here are just not honest. (not as much forum but on the otherside) -- hmmm imagine that -- who knew?

JMO
~jenn




_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/16/2005 6:47:01 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Yeah, we're both busy these days. But we keep in touch nonetheless. Hey jenn, I got my first paddle also! My "pinkballoon" as Sherri calls it.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to subbiejenn)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/17/2005 9:36:46 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		*wiggles* paddles are my favorite - but You mean "real" paddle or icon on the board? These blonde moments are tough on a girl!


Love ya sis!
jenn




_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/17/2005 11:02:55 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I meant icon paddle. I don't have a paddle that looks like this one.
Guess I need to go shopping.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to subbiejenn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/17/2005 11:15:34 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires
Is this a lack of trust or is it insecurity or is it both?


I would say both.

quote:

We do it all the time with strangers we met in "real life" so why the closemindedness when if you don't like someone you have started chatting with, all one needs to do is say, no more, thank you....all are welcome..

Master Damian's shy


Quite honestly I believe it's because women are NOT soft morning flowers. We're hard, we're tough, we're predators and we don't like competition (or rather, we like to eliminate it).

Let's face it, most doms would LEAP at the opportunity for a threesome or more, whether they are capable of handling it or not, or whether they don't actively go for it or not. If a sub has feelings for a dom, any other woman in his life will take adjusting and shifting. Most don't want to or can't deal with that.



(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/17/2005 3:19:58 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I meant icon paddle. I don't have a paddle that looks like this one.
Guess I need to go shopping.


Just pick up one of those bouncy ball on the elastic string paddles, it looks just like this. We still have one that was the kids' about 20 yrs ago. I added it to the toy bag but Hubby hasn't used it yet.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: wondering about friendships, sharing, learning - 2/18/2005 4:17:00 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		*grins* now that we have hijacked this thread *LOL* (sorry)


But YES go shopping -- paddles are great! i recently brought a boat oar (small one) and want someone to modify it for me *grins* Think if we just make the handle a little shorter it will be great.

Ping pong paddles work good also!

hugs
jenn

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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