MasterKinLA
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/2/2005
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As I sit and read through this forum, and read through the comments that everyone makes. I can't help but imagine that some years ago, my sub (at the time) must have come to a forum much like this one. In her state of complete obliviousness to the absurdity of HER circumstances, sat down at the keyboard and proceeded to tell a story of how I must have been such a good faker for about a year and a half. Then, all of the sudden, for no apparent reason, I suddenly lost interest in the relationship, and showed myself as being a "disinterested asshole, and not a Dom."
See folks, what we don't have a clue about, is the other side of the story. In my case, coincidentally, about a year into the relationship, her ex-husband moved in to her elderly parents home. Where she spent at least 5 to 10 hours of each day at, helping around the house. Now that may add a little stress to the relationship you might think. However, another pertainant detail, is that only a year prior to that, before going into prison, he raped her. This, needless to say, was a bit of a mind fuck. Now tell me, any of you. How is a "Dom" supposed to maintain any sort of "Dom-liness" when he's confronted with a "does not compute" situation like the ex-husband rapist being the new stressor, or whatever the situation may been been with subtears if there was a similar occurance.
I wasn't even told of his moving in for an entire month. The whole time she was depressed, and gaining weight, and being just plain miserable; a behavior she had exhibited in the past, whenever she had any sort of contact with her ex-husband. After hearing suggestions like,"You and _ _ _ should just learn to get along", and comments like,"he's just changed so much". Meanwhile she maintained that she was just helping out at her parent's house a few hours a day, and what's the big deal, and she loved me and wanted to continue to live with me. Needless to say, it didn't take long for me to become withdrawn, and depressed. Especially with her spending less and less time at home, and then complaining and trying to make me feel guilty for not paying enough attention to her, when she was home. Not a pretty picture, but from her point of view, somehow seeing nothing wrong with her practically taking up residence with her rapist. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. Fascinating stuff. Unpleasant too.
I think she would have seen me as having withdrawn, and likely posted something similar to what subtears did, and gotten responses that "cosigned her bullshit" in speculation of my character. That's not to say that subtears is full of shit but in some instances a person who finds themselves in this predicament, could be, with or without them being conscious of it.
So I say to you folks, when you don't know the whole story, you don't know the whole story.
subs comment: It's easy to rationalize, justify, deny or blame others or circumstances when we feel shame about ourselves and our involvement the breakdown of a relationships' intimacy. all of us have been on both sides of the fence with the "what am I doing wrong here" and the "how the hell can you not see it, i'm tired of repeating the obvious!" With that, any guilt or shame felt on the subs part needs to be thoroughly and humiliatingly exposed to her Master, in order for both of them to be on the same page in regards to the other's mental and emotional state.
this sucks, and it's not easy, but once we get that out of the way and quit hindering open communication and trust by exposing the good and the bad, the answer is crystal clear.
Subtears, if you feel in your heart, that your intentions are true and that you have nothing to hide and that every character defect you have has been painstakingly exposed to be controlled and healed through the love of a good Dominant partner, then you did all you could do and without response from him, the inaction is therefore the action just the same. And you can clear your conscious of any guilt of the obligation to continue hoping.
if he doesn't care, it hurts, but get out, or it'll hurt more, you know. I'm bad at keeping that logic at the forefront as well but you have to overcome petty immaturities in order to grow stronger.
if everything is really laid out on the table and your intentions and past actions and such have been pure and undecietful, then he doens't care. leave.
on the other hand, are you sure that your sadness and withdrawal is actually the product of his lack of attention or was it a product of something else, which he in turn reacted to, which you in turn, now misplace the blame onto?
emotional hurt is a very powerful thing, as is lack of self-respect or positive self-image. read a good book on emotional (and briefly, other) abuse. I recommend "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft, that's about all we can do without his participation. we need to know that the cause of his non-participation is really of his own character, or just "in reactance to:...!"
P.S. Life is fantastic now. I have a great sub, and we watch each other's backs...as they say. ;)
sub ps: happy!
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RE: confused sub - 
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