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what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 4:16:36 AM

Katmistress

Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2004
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We both want this bdsm relationship but when I try to get things going in that direction my husband/sub becomes rude and hard to get along with. He has become demanding and overly critical of everything I say and do - even in just every day life. It has been almost a battle for the past 2 days. I know this is what we want but it's at the point where we are saying this isn't worth it. I am at a total loss for what to do next.
I really need some good suggestions.
Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 5:19:05 AM

Shayna

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

You can't do the "D" part if he doesn't want to do the "s" part. Sounds like he's not willing and/or understanding of submitting to your will.

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 2

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 5:38:26 AM

merrymasochist

Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

if you haven't already done so, perhaps it's time for both of y'all to sit down and write out what each of you are looking for in the bdsm dynamic and the reasons why y'all want to walk this path... that way y'all can understand each other's mindsets, expectations and come up with mutual goals...

once y'all know what each other wants and have agreed to terms then, start easy by creating a set time period where y'all will practice what has been agreed upon... a lot of times it makes things easier when there's a set beginning and end... as y'all get more comfortable with each other in expressing the dynamic the periods of practice can be more frequent and/or longer...

when problems, such as the ones you've mentioned occur during the practice periods then simply call a halt or safe word, calm down and then calmly discuss without accusation or recrimination why the practice session went awry...

it takes a lot of time, patience and practice to make it work but if it's what y'all both want then it will definitely be worth it... i wish y'all the best...

sincerely,
merry

(in reply to Shayna)

Post #: 3

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 6:45:20 AM

RealityFix

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

If he doesn't want to give up power, there isn't much you can do about it.

(in reply to merrymasochist)

Post #: 4

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 11:01:25 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

I would suggest picking up "The Mistress Manual" by Mistress Lorelei because I remember a chapter specifically talking about dealing with this/intimacy issues within power exchange relationships... Hope that helps. M

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 5

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 11:59:48 AM

Katmistress

Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline

Reallly appreciate all thw great help. I knew I came to the right place. Will keep you posted. Thanks

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 6

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 12:05:50 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Katmistress

We both want this bdsm relationship but when I try to get things going in that direction my husband/sub becomes rude and hard to get along with. He has become demanding and overly critical of everything I say and do - even in just every day life. It has been almost a battle for the past 2 days. I know this is what we want but it's at the point where we are saying this isn't worth it. I am at a total loss for what to do next.
I really need some good suggestions.
Thanks

Kat, I took the liberty of reading through your previous postings and that of your partner and it clarified My original thoughts when first reading your OP, and that it was him who introduced you to the idea of d/s and you have happily run with it. Which is great and I wish you both the very best.

One thing that often happens when a partner outs themselves to their significant other and together they embark on a d/s dynamic, is there is a great deal of difficulty in truely expressing ones needs and a lot of couples fall back on 'playtime' and forget to keep it up real time. Which is understandable, especially if it is the Dominant partner doing the learning. It is hard to be *something* for someone, and even harder when being a d/s Dominant brings with so much responsibility..something you are only learning about.

I also fear your boy is possibly not been completely honest with you in how deep his particular desires are about some things and is feeling a tad disillusioned (possibly compounded by outside influences, hows the biz going? etc) with your inexperience, and himself for his inability to express it clearly to you or get his needs met from you. Remembering though he's had years of wanting/desiring this and you have had what, a year? so his needs/wants are going to be fairly complex and his disillusionment with your inexperience is in no way your fault.

Is it possible he's baulking now and telling himself in his own mind that you're *never* going to get it (his holy grail) so why bother?

Jasmyn

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 7

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 1:57:16 PM

knkywch

Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
Status: offline

Also, if you two haven't already read them, I would also suggest the following:
The Sexually Dominant Woman by Lady Green
The New Bottoming Book as well as The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy

Another thought... you and your husband may not have a compatible vision of what you want in this type of dynamic. Some bottoms want to resist and be pushy and be taken down before they enter (feel safe entring) submissive space. Perhaps this is what he wants...<shrug> There are different types of dominants too. Some run more romantic energy while others run more hard or even mean/harsh energy.

If he wants to play with you, you need to set some hard limits behind what you want. If he wants to provide feedback to you, you must give him a way to provide it respectfully and lovingly instead of letting him go all critical on you. Make sure that when you communicate what you want, you ALSO communicate consequences AND be ready to back them up... especially if he is a pushy/resistance-based kinda guy. You may not be able to take him down physically, but you sure as hell can take your bat and glove and not play with him -- or even take your bat and glove and go play with someone else!

If he wants the gift of dominant energy from you, you need to make sure he is willing (and able!) to pay the price by modifying his behavior so that the whole thing is MUTUALLY satisfying.

Good luck to you both...

kw

_____________________________

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's MY parade? -Margaret Cho-

(in reply to Jasmyn)

Post #: 8

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 4:25:51 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Sounds like your aren't gaging, ropeing, and whiping enough. A male submissive being that fiesty might as well get kicked in the balls as well. It's time for you to break the boy in. So tie him down, gag him, flog him all over, pour hot wax all over, give orgasim denial with blow jobs that stop right before he cums repeatedly untill he's really ready to submit, and bite his thighs and nipples HARD!

He's gonna learn sooner or later.

Attachment (1)

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I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 9

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/11/2005 5:59:22 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

Sounds like your aren't gaging, ropeing, and whiping enough. A male submissive being that fiesty might as well get kicked in the balls as well.

He's gonna learn sooner or later.

LMAO.....
Fangs I'm really starting to like you, you evil freak. Thanks for the great ideas for the next time I meet an asshole who wants to tell me exactly what to do so he can "feel" submissive, LOL.. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 2/11/2005 6:00:59 PM >

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 10

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/17/2005 4:42:40 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Is this truely what you BOTH want.. sounds kind of like YOU want it but he is not a "submissive" type and wants to Top you from the bottom..

You both need to sit down seperately and write out Exactly what each wants and does not want then over a glass of wine trade papers.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 11

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/17/2005 7:24:21 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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Katmistess, I don't know if you are still reading this thread but I would like to point out one more thing.

Sure he's aggreeing to be submissive yet is still being feisty and telling you what to do.

As a male I can tell you that some/most men like to get there women mad from time to time. Based on your post, he's wanting to bring out the worst in you to feel all that you can dish out. He's not wanting just Hanky Panky but WHO'S YA MAMMA!

That's all I have left to add. Anymore messages relateing to me will have to be sent by via e-mail on my personal CM account.

NEXT!

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 12

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/17/2005 7:34:54 PM

Overlord218

Posts: 53
Joined: 1/26/2005
Status: offline

At the risk of being branded cynical, I agree totally with Fang... with one addendum. Might it not be that the masochist in him is looking for what he craves... pain and boundaries? I get the feeling that he is.

The $64 question is... are you strong enough to give him that? Follow your instincts and see where they lead you. Hey, worst case, you go back to what you had in the first place. In for a penny, in for a pound I say.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 13

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/18/2005 12:18:49 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

No offense, but the opening statement was a bit vauge for me. Could you give us some specific examples? Generally speaking, it could be that he's just testing the boundries - very natural and normal for all new submissives.

Good luck!

Stephan

_____________________________

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(in reply to Overlord218)

Post #: 14

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/18/2005 10:18:03 PM

MidnightWriter

Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Katmistress

We both want this bdsm relationship but when I try to get things going in that direction my husband/sub becomes rude and hard to get along with. He has become demanding and overly critical of everything I say and do - even in just every day life. It has been almost a battle for the past 2 days. I know this is what we want but it's at the point where we are saying this isn't worth it. I am at a total loss for what to do next.

My slave, several years ago, would get like that from time to time - it like to drove me nuts. I turned out that she enjoyed being conquered - being dominated so clearly and strongly that her resistance was overcome. She loved it.

It's possible that he's pushing your buttons, hoping that you'll dom him into the next county, so he can feel all snuggly and warm and subbly.

Personally, I prefer clear communication - but they're not always clear to themselves about what's going on.

If nothing else works, give it a shot - come off as so overpowering, so domly, so solid, that he simply has to melt at your feet. He can always safeword if he needs to - as can you, if his resistance makes this just a chore to get through, no fun for you at all.

If it doesn't help, I guessed wrong - if it does, you have a different situation to deal with. If you're just starting the D/S dynamic, it's not necessarily a pattern - but if it happens over and over, he's pushing for the rush of being conquered by a strong dominant.

This is not a dynamic I'd recommend rewarding - the constant need to re-conquerer her had me almost ready to drop back to 'nilla in the relationship - it almost ended us. Getting through it was an ugly 9 months for us - but recognizing it in the first place would have been the easiest to miss.

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 15

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 2/19/2005 5:20:58 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

As a male I can tell you that some/most men like to get there women mad from time to time. Based on your post, he's wanting to bring out the worst in you to feel all that you can dish out. He's not wanting just Hanky Panky but WHO'S YA MAMMA!

Don't know if that's the advice she needs, but I'm sure as hell gonna use it... thanx

lmao

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 16

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 3/12/2005 3:41:27 AM

slaveofKat

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline

I am the slave, or "want-to-be-slave" of Katmistress. This dilemma in our relationship has been going on quite a while now. My viewpoint is that it seems to me that Sometimes she wants to be dominant, in the areas that she chooses, and then most of the rest of the time reverts back into a passive role in the relationship. This drives me nuts because it makes me feel like a yo-yo. She has been saying for over a year how she wants to train me, and gives me this kind of fantasy in my mind that never turns into reality....I have started to think that she really does not want to be dominant, but is afraid she will lose me if she is not, or else she is afraid she will lose me if she is Too dominant and really puts the smackdown. In the latter case she would never lose me. So sometimes I get "uppity" I think just to make her mad so she will @#$% or get off the pot.
On the positive side, I do have to admit that she took the initiative recently to take us shopping for a specific toy "rhymes with Clap-ON" and used it with great satisfaction for her and the domination was INTENSE.
I love her very much, and the frustration is unbearable sometimes. I have been suggesting for us to become involved locally (Seattle area now) and get to know others in the BDSM community, and to try and find a mentor, which she seems to be somewhat agreeable to.

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 17

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 3/12/2005 7:04:53 AM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Perhaps the issue lies in one desire for 24/7 TPE and one desire for occasional D/s?
I understand slaveofKat's thinking, "Hey...if I really, REALLY piss her off, perhaps that will unlock those wonderfully sadistic and dominant traits that I know she posseses." But I honestly believe that this undermines everything about the relationship. A new dominant has enough things to worry about as it is. (I am making an assumption that MKat is just getting started down this path. If I am incorrect in this assumption, I apologize to you both.) The last thing she needs is a submissive that is going to disobey her at every opportunity. Topping from the bottom, or baiting, nonconsentual brattiness, etc can really shake the confidence of a new dominant.

Getting involved in the local scene sounds like a great idea, but the most important thing that you guys can do...is to communicate. Find out exactly what both of you want from your relationship and develop a plan on how to accomplish that.

Good luck,

~Thorns

< Message edited by MrThorns -- 3/12/2005 7:05:54 AM >

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to slaveofKat)

Post #: 18

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 3/20/2006 1:22:35 AM

Katmistress

Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline

You are right in assuming that I was new to all of this when we first started coming here and reading, asking questions and all of that.
The problem is we are still struggling with our entire relationship now because of the frustration that goes with unfulfilled expectations.
The entire thing was just turning into more trouble then it was worth for both of us. To be honest with you, we still don't have it working for us and I totally backed out of it for a long time because it was just not worth the aggravation.
We actually separated recently but we are going to work on this issue this week. I am very determined that it will be my way all the way this time. I have had enough skirting the issue and settling on crumbs or glimpses of what could be.
He has no idea what I have in store for him but I am sure he is going to know his role real soon now.
Thanks for all the great suggestions.
Kat

(in reply to MrThorns)

Post #: 19

RE: what am i doing wrong? - 3/20/2006 1:51:57 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Katmistress

We both want this bdsm relationship but when I try to get things going in that direction my husband/sub becomes rude and hard to get along with.

Hmmmm there is a great deal of diffrence between a relationship with BDSM in it and a D/s relationship the fact that you lable it as one thing whilst your complaint is about it not being the other maybe a clue to there being some mis-communication as to what both people are wanting out of it?

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Katmistress)

Post #: 20

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