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How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 9:42:03 PM

dannyocean

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

Good Evening To All Expereinced Masters

Im new to the master/sub realtionship, and have had an online realtionship with a lovely lady for the past year. Were hoping to meet very soon, but she is concerned that I dont have much master expereince.

My previous realtionships have been as swinging couple, were most descions were mad between my partner and me. But with this realtionship my sub wants me to control all aspects of her life, from what we do on a daily basis, to what she wears. This is a great challenge for me, as I have a fairly stressful job, which is easily controlable.

In my quiet moments, I find the idea of controlling a subs life a wonderful turn on for me, and a realtionship that I have been searching for, for a very longtime, and i so much want to take this lady into my arms, and not only control her, but to love her, as she is everything that I could ever want for, or dream of in a women.

I just want to be able to please her, as much as she pleases me, and i do love her, as he is a very attractive, openminded young women, who I know is so happy to of found a guy like me.

I would just like some advice from other Masters, who once found themselves in there first Master/Sub realtionship, and how they approched it. Me, myself am a 33 year old guy, and my sub is a 21 year old amazing women. Who I have had this increable online realtionship with.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Ciao

Dean

< Message edited by dannyocean -- 11/23/2006 9:43:21 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:01:17 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The key to being a good master is the same as it is to be a good person, a good partner, who happens to be oriented to hold the authority.

Whether she can choose to step from behind the curtains of the internet and develop this relationship with you further is up to her. She knows who you are and must accept it or tell you it's over.

You gain experience by gaining experience- there's no short cut.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 2

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:15:36 PM

WantFemSubLover

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

There is a great place to do a lot of reading that can help you. It is www.castlerealm.com . You will find an answer for most all of your questions. Great place for beginner information.
I have been doing this for a lot of years and still enjoy going there just to read.
Good luck to you both.

_____________________________

"When I want your advice I'll stop ice skating in hell and ask for it!" (Thank you James Woods as Shark)

You have only one choice if you wear my collar...you do it my way or you do it my way...no question and no hesitation!!!!

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 3

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:29:37 PM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

I'll assume that you know the basics of a good relationship - communication, trust, concern, and the understanding that if it's not good for both of you, it's doomed.

The first thing you'll notice about your first d/s relationship is that it feels wrong - if you're accustomed to egalitarian relationships, intentionally being non-egalitarian feels wrong. You'll get used to it, but brace yourself for those early feelings of guilt - you'll be going into what was previously territory reserved for The Bad Guys.

The other piece of advice I have for you is to be The Boss (or whatever other title/role you're reaching for here). Nobody respects a wimpy, wishy-washy dominant - especially not their submissive. I've been wrong (gasp!), but it's always worked out - as long as I wasn't uncertain about my right to do it my way, right or wrong.

She's offering you "the gift of her submission" - which is a pretty phrase that translates as "trusts you to dominate her". Your side of that bargain is that you offer her "the gift of your domination" - which translates, pretty much, as "yes, dear - those are pretty reins, and thank you very much, but they're my reins now, so giddyup!"

If you ever need a physical demonstration of your dominance and her submission, to bring you both into headspace - grab the roots of her hair, just above the nape of her neck. Not trying for pain, but a good handle on her head. Use that grip to gently, but firmly, bring her down to her knees. Over 15 years, several relationships, and a whole lotta scene/party play, I've never seen it fail.

Be prepared to screw up - we all do. There's only one cure - fix what got screwed up. Ask for advice when you're stumped, but never fail to do it your way. It won't be easy, but it's possible - and if a clueless newbie like I was can do it, with only the guidance I found on a single newsgroup, then you can do it with all of the resources you have available.

Good luck, and more importantly - have fun with it and her!

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 4

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:30:15 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WantFemSubLover

There is a great place to do a lot of reading that can help you. It is www.castlerealm.com . You will find an answer for most all of your questions. Great place for beginner information.
I have been doing this for a lot of years and still enjoy going there just to read.
Good luck to you both.

Gosh I REALLY dislike that site and think that it presents a very fluffy, overly romantacized view of WIITWD. I would personally not recommend it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to WantFemSubLover)

Post #: 5

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:32:38 PM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Gosh I REALLY dislike that site and think that it presents a very fluffy, overly romantacized view of WIITWD. I would personally not recommend it.

I'll second that failure to recommend.

Midnight Writer, in a rare AOL mood...

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:42:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Gosh I REALLY dislike that site and think that it presents a very fluffy, overly romantacized view of WIITWD. I would personally not recommend it.

I recommend it, I think it's a good site and just gets a bad rap and turned into the scapegoat for sites because of all the romanticized notions people create.

I don't think it will really answer the questions that this person has though.

As far as the hair pulling trick- if you're doing it to bring them in line, you're already admitting that communication and training are at a lacking, and I've known myself and many other subs who have admitted that they acquiesce to the immediate hair pulling and put on a good act for it, but continue to smolder inside. If a dom has to resort to physical stages of force to keep things in line, it won't last for long.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 10:53:07 PM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

As far as the hair pulling trick- if you're doing it to bring them in line, you're already admitting that communication and training are at a lacking, and I've known myself and many other subs who have admitted that they acquiesce to the immediate hair pulling and put on a good act for it, but continue to smolder inside. If a dom has to resort to physical stages of force to keep things in line, it won't last for long.

Point - but I wasn't suggesting that he use it to fix a problem. As something to fall back upon when he's thinking "damn - once we're rolling, we're fine, but how do I get things rolling?", it works pretty well.

If they're out of line - they don't get treats like that. Note the first skill listed in the first paragraph of my response - there ain't no tricks to bypass the need for that.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 11:11:08 PM

DomKen

Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

I'll agree with what a number of others have already said. Being a good person is a big step toward being a good dominant. You're going to make mistakes, so be prepared to correct them and move on.

As to some specific aspects related to what she expects from you. Being in charge means never standing around going "I don't care where we go where do you want go?" and various similar things. Make the decisions. Get to know her real well and learn what she likes and doesn't like and then you'll be secure in making decisions that won't be things she hates.

About controlling her dress. This is a great excuse for the two of you to spend a relaxed weekend day going through her clothes. You tell her what you like and what you don't want to see her in. Then occasionally pick out every last thing for her to wear when you're going out for the evening. It will keep her mind on her "place" all night and you should enjoy her repsonse.

But really it is going to take time. For any kinky play, be safe and for anything edgy find someone who knows what they're doing and get them to show you how to do it safely.

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 9

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/23/2006 11:26:19 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: emdoub

"yes, dear - those are pretty reins, and thank you very much, but they're my reins now, so giddyup!"

*chuckles* That made my night. Thank you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 10

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 12:13:49 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

But i love the hair pulling. Is no doubt who is in control when he does that. Smouldering doesn't happen then for me tho it is when i am ignored for a long time which fortunately does not happen with my current Dom. I personally learned a great deal from that site but did not rely on it totally. There are many good books available and would recommend that they be read asap. My Dom is very strong and i love that about Him. He is not afraid to admit He has been wrong or that something didn't work the way He intended, however that in no way appears to be a weakness. He has set forth His rules and i obey. If you don't take command and set the rules a sub will quite frankly top from the bottom. And i hate watching that happen but there again it depends on the relationship between the two. Although i consider myself a newbie my Dom has several years of experience and i believe that has helped me grow much faster, however growing together in bdsm such as you are doing sounds to be fun as well. I think the main thing is to communicate with your sub, find out what she likes and doesn't like and decide if you agree or not. Doms word is the final word for me so doesn't matter if it is something i don't like it will be as He wishes. Smiling fortunately we tend to talk things out and generally enjoy the same conclussions. LOL and in the end only one conclussion is needed.....His.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 3:34:22 AM

Caitriona

Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

I'm not a Master, but rather a submissive...however, I hope my input will be helpful.

For me, communication is key. It's one of the things that makes my relationship with my Dominant work. We sat down together and made lists of desires - what I wanted him to control, what he wanted to control, ect. That gave us a starting point for the power exchange. As we've gotten more comfortable in our roles, we've drawn up a small collection of rules - things like when the use of "Sir" is appropriate, what my daily responsibilities are, ect.

It's not going to just fall into place overnight. You'll both "mess up" from time to time. Remember that even though you're in a D/s relationship, you're both human. Forgive and try to learn from those experiences.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

Post #: 12

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 3:35:49 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I'm in a mood so I'm just gonna toss a few things out there....

You're gonna find it really tough when it sounds like "this" is just a different kink for you to try for awhile.... And then there's your profile; small wonder your online sub has doubts about your "master experience".... The thing is, it's a profile that could more readily fit a *submissive*!

Most will say mastering another begins with mastering yourself - and here you are with an *online* sub you say you love? Repeat - you *LOVE*? Being 33 infers you're a mature adult so please tell me you've at least met her real life...?

Being another's master is a fulltime *responsibility* so tell us how you'd feel about controlling her other than in your "quiet moments"....

Mate, I think you're just caught up in the idea of a new and different kink. And you're on the verge of really fucking around a 21yo who's guilty of no more than having most inexperienced submissive's falibilities - of wanting to believe in you. Just so you know, subs are usually the one's left with the damage bill....

Focus.

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 13

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 3:41:31 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I think the two keys to being a good master are paying attention and knowing yourself.

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 14

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 5:22:50 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dannyocean
she is concerned that I dont have much master expereince.

But with this realtionship my sub wants me to control all aspects of her life, from what we do on a daily basis, to what she wears.

as she is everything that I could ever want for, or dream of in a women.

These three bits from your original post concern me.

The reason they concern me is because they have the hallmark signature of a submissive who has given a great deal of thought about the fantasy of the lifestyle but not the reality.

What, exactly is she concerned about?

If I make the assumption, for the sake of argument, that her concern is your inability to fulfill her fantasies because you haven't done it before, that's a red flag. If she echoes this love that you profess, then your "inexperience" would not be of concern to her. It would be an opportunity to grow and learn together.

The nature of your relationship will make it difficult for you two to gauge what exactly "control all aspects" will mean. It sounds nice in fantasy land, but reality is much different. I'm an Owner of my girl. I control her, but I don't "control all aspects of her life" - rather I set guidelines and expected results. When I choose to micromanage, she submits to that - HOWEVER, the expectation isn't one of where I tell her to "breathe, breathe, breathe..."

This is common between people who are first exploring the fantasy and thought of Master/slave - especially online.

The last bit is to caution you - being a Master or Owner will bring about a great many emotions, some of which the other posters spoke about. The areas you speak of going are tough roads and it sounds like you are crazy in love - A Good Thing - but I also feel you need a bit of space to discover YOURSELF.

Your Dominance is going to come from within and be who you are, regardless. How you express it will be determined by the one(s) you choose to express it with. But molding your Dominance based on how a woman's fantasies dictate only makes you an aspect of her fantasy fulfillment.

Discover yourself first. Let it grow slowly and something that fulfills YOU. It sounds like the idea intrigues you - let it come forth on good terms, but also on your terms. Be aware, as well, that she will need to discover the same about her submission.

I think that is all I wish to say for now - there are so many unanswered questions from your post that it's difficult to speak more.
Good luck.
Regards,
EO

(in reply to dannyocean)

Post #: 15

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 11:56:30 AM

xBullx

Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Tal,

I'd love to respond, but alas, my thoughts were already covered. The only thing I want to say is be a man. That is what a slave is looking for; you piss standing up so act like it. Love is a sweet emotion and a master’s love and care comes through when he is at his best. Managing her details and the smallest of concerns demonstrates she matters and is cared for deeply. It also shows her the limits all slaves want to know, have to know. No one starts out with experience; don't bite off more than you can chew. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, so long as your mistake doesn't kill her. The point is normally to keep her around awhile. (Smirks) I have one thought to remember that if you think deeply on the subject, you'll see its importance. Do away with sympathy, completely, I is the most destructive and wasteful of human emotions. It will steer you to decisions you would never make with a clear conscience. Sympathy leads to pity and pity leads to a weak man that is in fact able to be topped by his bottom. That does not mean disregard your compassion. It means get to know yourself as a man. Understand your slave. Don't coddle her; make her be all that your "quiet times" have wanted her to be. Then by all means don't be quiet with the little slut. Make her squeal with pleasure, hers yes, but more importantly, YOURS. Look at that; after I said I wasn't gonna say anything. Damn, I did it again.

Live well,

Bull

(in reply to ExtremeOwnerIL)

Post #: 16

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 12:27:48 PM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: WantFemSubLover

There is a great place to do a lot of reading that can help you. It is www.castlerealm.com . You will find an answer for most all of your questions. Great place for beginner information.
I have been doing this for a lot of years and still enjoy going there just to read.
Good luck to you both.

Gosh I REALLY dislike that site and think that it presents a very fluffy, overly romantacized view of WIITWD. I would personally not recommend it.

I agree with Mistorerin here. Castlerealm to me seems more like a fantasy world than advice for reality.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 1:03:34 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I hope you all don't mind a Mistress butting in.
Meet her, spend time with her, get to know her.
If you don't feel confident that you are the dominant one in the relationship then you aren't.
It's not about doing it's about being.
Do you want to chose her clothes?
If you don't and she wants you to are you the right person for her?
I want to chose every man's clothes lol.
Doesn't mean that I want every man as my D/s partner.
I want to put all your mistakes right in your mail.
Doesn't mean I want you as my submissive partner.
If you are her dominant partner then you control what you want to in the relationship and you help her make the decisions that she finds difficult on her own because you care for her and want to help her.
That's what D/s is about for me.
If you get it wrong for her she will shut up if she loves you or if she wants you as her BDSM Dom.
Either way you have her where you want her presumably.
Then comes BDSM you can either just do what you want in play. Then your her Dom.
I hate calling it play but there you go.
If your both inexperienced then you can talk it through research it and learn to do it together. Two minds and hearts pulling together are better than one.
If she has some experience she can teach you how to do it.
It doesn't feel like topping from the bottom if she does it well.
Or you could just forget about D/s and have a great time playing together.
Whatever works for the both of you.
There is probably a few men in this world that I would allow to pull me to my knees by my hair.
Doesn't mean I want them as my dominant partner.
I'd just enjoy the buzz lol.
I've probably said far too much as usual.
Take care and have fun.
Mistress Lizbeth

(in reply to xBullx)

Post #: 18

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/24/2006 1:56:33 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

But with this realtionship my sub wants me to control all aspects of her life, from what we do on a daily basis, to what she wears. This is a great challenge for me, as I have a fairly stressful job

As someone with a stressful job this is more fun on paper than reality. Calling and telling her to do her chores now, calling later to tell her what you want for dinner, getting home checking her chores and picking her outfit for the following day. Metting out any discipline or reinforcement necessary THEN sitting down in your favorite chair and trying to relax is work.

If "being in charge of her wardrobe" is that important survey the closet and what doesn't work is out. All shopping & new clothes must be similarly approved. This cuts to the chase as everything she;s allowed to keep is something you approve of her wearing.

quote:

The key to being a good master is the same as it is to be a good person, a good partner, who happens to be oriented to hold the authority.

Whether she can choose to step from behind the curtains of the internet and develop this relationship with you further is up to her. She knows who you are and must accept it or tell you it's over.

You gain experience by gaining experience- there's no short cut

As usual what LA said.

An online relationship leaves many opportunities for the intrusion of fantasy and imagination to enter the relationship and reality to not even enter. You imagine she's a 6ft super model and she's well...not even close. Make sure that you've met her face to face. Had that tactile interaction before doing anything drastic like somene moving. A favorite joke is online slave says she's a pain slut and into "heavy caning". The first time she's tied she has a look of horror on her face. The first time she's struck she jumps up screaming OW IT NEVER HURT LIKE THAT ONLINE! When questioned it's her first real life interaction though she insisted online she's an expert.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 19

RE: How To be A Good Master - 11/25/2006 10:03:42 AM

dannyocean

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

In Response To Your Many Good Points For Me To Consider

Good Morning Friends,

Thank you for your advice, I have read it and re read what you say, and I value all your contrubutions.

I dont have any problems with the task that Iam being asked to do, and I find it somewhat old school romantic, that a women would be subservervant to her mans wishes. To take my ladies example of decidding what she wears on a daily basis. Im sure that we went through our families histories back to the genreation of our great grand parents we would find many examples of this, and im sure that the husband loved and respected his wife, but in aw ay that people did in those times.

Having been an active swinger in my previous long term realtionship, and that realtionship was based about total communaction and total honesty between us. This realtionship is one that I will learn the role that Iam being asked to perform. The main difference between this one and that one is that we made descions about who we played with together, and with this one I would be the one to be the dominant partner. This really excites me, as it does Jess

Her concerns were based around the fact that she likes to be hurt. Not to any major extremes, but whipped, and smacked and tied up etc etc. This has always been looked at by me as the darkside of sex, and one that certaintly turns me on. But one that im not sure how to do, as being the reciever of pain is something that I have never been into, and on the otherside of the coin is something that I wouldnt want to do wrong, or to hurt with.

I know like any realtionship you only learn by being together, and expereincing things together. This only makes you closer, and we both know that physically, we meet each others desires.

Im a great reader, and listener to advice that im given, and reading some of your comments has told me that I have the traits that are needed to be a good master, and I know that Jess knows that she has a great guy. We just need to chip away at the rock to get her perfect stone.

Once again friends, thank you, and I will be sure to ask questions of you in the not to distant future.

Dean

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 20

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