Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

love Him...hate Him


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> love Him...hate Him Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 4:38:46 AM   
submissive71


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		i have been in a D/s relationship for a year now, left my life to move closer. He is married and has vanilla family. He has told me that my daughter and i are His second family, chooses to help financially (even though i do not need or wish), makes sure i am on the right track. He makes nearly all decisions for me even thought we do not live together and never will.
Problem here...i have fallen in love with Him. i want to serve Him in everyway, even though he is too demanding, requesting of me things i cannot do. He sets me up for failure all the time in order to punish me. He knows i love Him, i have told Him as well as expressed in many ways. i wish to be collared, but He thinks this is silly, b/c i know that He owns me and that is good enough. i know that He loves me too, but he will not say it. its like He always has to be "in charge" of his emotions and not let his guard down. i have tried to express these things to him, but He changes the subject or dismisses what i say completely. basically i am not allowed to have any say and no negotiations at all (His words). i do not wish to seek another, He is part of me, but how can i get Him to listen to me
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 5:06:48 AM   
SecretDomme


Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		You have the choice to stay with him or not. You have listed all of these things that he will not do or cannot do for you, but you still remain hopeful that he will change. He will not. Does his vanilla family know about you? You will ALWAYS be second to him, and for someone who is giving so much to him- your mind and body- I would encourage you to really examine why you would stay in a situation like that. Any Dom that "sets you up for failure" has no idea about a healthy D/s relationship, in my opinion. If there is no encouragement or opportunity for growth in this relationship- why stay? If he loved you, he would say it. I would encourage you to stop trying to make this obviously dysfunctional (in my opinion) situation fit what you want and desire.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 6:20:12 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I agree with Julie; the man will never change. You have got to realize that soon. Have some self respect and leave this unhappy relationship. You deserve more than second best. He is playing you and it is obvious by your post that it upsets you and you are not enjoying the situation. I assume his family does not know about you so he has a better situation than a vanilla cheater does; he gets to have a submissive to whom he can boss around and she won't do anything about it due to the nature of the lifestyle. Honey, you are just a kept woman at his beck and call and that is disturbing to me. I apologize for being so negative, I just hate seeing people being used even if it was consensual to start.

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 2/12/2005 6:22:04 AM >

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to SecretDomme)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 6:52:03 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		I am forced to agree here. I don't like to advocate 'dump him' generally, but all the signs you speak of ... the fact that you're his side fling, the fact that he sets you up for failure ... the fact that he won't allow you to talk about your emotions ... are signs to me that he has very little regard for you, other than as a sexual outlet.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 8:43:49 AM   
soulreaver67


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		submissive71,

He does not respect your family. He does not respect his own. How can you love a man who has no honor? No nobility? He is not a Dom, he is a dog. And quite frankly, if he sets you up for failure (glad you recognized this), only to punish you-- he isn't very creative and he's on a power trip.

Tell me, specifically, not wishy-washy, why you love him? I'm at [email protected]. You can YIM me there, too.

Is it how he treats you (not well it appears). Is it simply because he fulfills your sexual need? There's more to it than that.

Talk to me babygirl, you deserve better. And I'm not meaning serve me, I just want to talk with you to see if I can help you before you get hurt.

SoulReaver
"You are my Angel of Death, my SoulReaver."-- The Guardian

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 9:02:20 AM   
Atavist


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		You must have some very lonely times, but you are not a victim. You've made choices and you continue to make them. You have control. If he sets you up for failure as you say, he's not alone - you've set yourself up for failure by entering into, and staying in a relationship that will never bear fruit.

I've seen this several times, usually a woman who has "fallen in love" with a married man. More often than not, the man has no intention of ending his marriage and the "other" woman ends up hurt and sometimes bitter. This isn't doing your self-image any good either. Maybe you have masochistic tendencies...if you do, try fulfilling them with someone who can offer you complete commitment. What your doing now is ultimately self-destructive.

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 9:17:32 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: soulreaver67
He does not respect your family. He does not respect his own. How can you love a man who has no honor? No nobility? He is not a Dom, he is a dog. And quite frankly, if he sets you up for failure (glad you recognized this), only to punish you-- he isn't very creative and he's on a power trip.

I have to agree with everyone above...
It is as much your responsibility as it is his for entering into something that almost always ends badly (getting involved with married partners).

You cannot change him, you will not be able to make him listen to you, you have to change you because this is destryoing you and making you miserable.
You need not continue in a path that does not work; you need not beat yourself up for making a choice that didn't work (we all have/will), you simply need to be willing to take responsibility for your life and change it the way you wish to (that is your choice).
I'm sorry you're hurting... Take care, M

(in reply to soulreaver67)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 12:34:42 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I agree with the other replies. The more time you spend with him is less time you have to pursue a new relationship with a single and available dom. Take what you've leaned from him and move on, IMHO.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 3:18:07 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i have been in a D/s relationship for a year now, left my life to move closer. He is married and has vanilla family. He has told me that my daughter and i are His second family, chooses to help financially (even though i do not need or wish), makes sure i am on the right track. He makes nearly all decisions for me even thought we do not live together and never will.
Problem here...i have fallen in love with Him. i want to serve Him in everyway, even though he is too demanding, requesting of me things i cannot do. He sets me up for failure all the time in order to punish me. He knows i love Him, i have told Him as well as expressed in many ways. i wish to be collared, but He thinks this is silly, b/c i know that He owns me and that is good enough. i know that He loves me too, but he will not say it. its like He always has to be "in charge" of his emotions and not let his guard down. i have tried to express these things to him, but He changes the subject or dismisses what i say completely. basically i am not allowed to have any say and no negotiations at all (His words). i do not wish to seek another, He is part of me, but how can i get Him to listen to me


Honestly, it already sounds to me like you know the solution to this problem. I can wish all I want for something, but that doesn't make it so.

You already know what to do, I believe. The real struggle is to muster up the courage to do it. Believe me, I know this situation all too well, though mine was somewhat differant circumstances, the bottom line was he couldn't give me what I needed/wanted.

It took me 2 years to wave goodbye and 2.5 years to get back on the horse. Probably not what you want to hear, I know, but sometimes, you just have to save yourself.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 3:42:20 PM   
TheycallmeExotic


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		I understand that you love him and you wish he would change, but he wont. You can change a man into something else when it comes to this. If he wanted to be with you and he loved you he would NEVER put you or tell you that you are second. He is hindering you rather than helping you. And this is not something that you can afford to take especially since you have a child. Children sense things. You probably wouldnt want your daughter to grow up and stay with a man that uses her and mentally abuses her by setting her up to fail. So why do it to yourself?

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/12/2005 5:46:25 PM   
submissive71


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		ok, a little off track here.
as far as second, he said we were his second family, not putting me second. meaning that he would treat us like family, and he has in most ways.
also, i do not wish for him to change. i knew what he was like when i met him, i chose to be involved with someone that was married and knew he couldn't devote all his time to me.
i just wanted to know i could get him to listen, is there a better way to approach this.
i know my self worth and i do not allow him to get so deep into my head that i get lost.
thank you all. i know what decision i need to make, i guess i
was looking for confirmation

(in reply to TheycallmeExotic)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/13/2005 9:27:07 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		I don't see anything wrong with being a Gluntent for punishment. You made your bed so sleep in it. Enjoy or change it because he will never do it.






Attachment (1)

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/13/2005 9:56:53 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissive71

also, i do not wish for him to change.


that is in contradiction with
quote:

i just wanted to know i could get him to listen


quote:

i knew what he was like when i met him, i chose to be involved with someone that was married and knew he couldn't devote all his time to me.


and you also knew that whatever YOUR problems, concerns, goals, desires, etc. are that they would always come FOURTH, in His hierarchy, first being Himself, second being His wife, third being His kids.

quote:

is there a better way to approach this


try explaining that this type of relationship doesn't work for u because your needs are not being met, beg for release and find someone whose attachments and attitudes aren't so hard for u to accept.

Good Luck!

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/13/2005 10:05:54 AM   
Darthbetta


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/16/2004
Status: offline 		Your love for him, while very real, is not the same kind of love that will be returned. You need to seperate "LIFE" and "LOVE" from the D/s relationship dynamic. If his vanilla family knows about you, then so be it. If you are simply "the woman on the side", then this is not a good deal for you. Id your relationship with this Dom sexualy active also ? or just a pure topping situation ?

this is a critical point.

details awaited.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/13/2005 7:43:20 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
You Dom has made his desire quite clear. As mean as it sounds, your wanting him to listen to you after he has made a decision is topping from below. Either you accept the situation as it exists and be miserable for the rest of your life, or you find someone who respects himself and you enough to only have you in his life.

The one thing you do not EVER do is cause any damage to his family. They are innocents in all of this. They think they have a man who is faithful to them. You need to not be the one to break that illusion. Leave if you are going to, stay and be miserable if you're going to.. just leave his family out of it.

I am very sorry you're so unhappy but I have to agree with Atavist. You've set yourself up. I also agree with everyone else.. get out of this relationship. You're not doing yourself any good. You have a Dom who doesn't respect your needs. Fly, be free little bird!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/14/2005 2:30:15 AM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissive71

i have been in a D/s relationship for a year now, left my life to move closer. He is married and has vanilla family. He has told me that my daughter and i are His second family, chooses to help financially (even though i do not need or wish), makes sure i am on the right track. He makes nearly all decisions for me even thought we do not live together and never will.
Problem here...i have fallen in love with Him. i want to serve Him in everyway, even though he is too demanding, requesting of me things i cannot do. He sets me up for failure all the time in order to punish me. He knows i love Him, i have told Him as well as expressed in many ways. i wish to be collared, but He thinks this is silly, b/c i know that He owns me and that is good enough. i know that He loves me too, but he will not say it. its like He always has to be "in charge" of his emotions and not let his guard down. i have tried to express these things to him, but He changes the subject or dismisses what i say completely. basically i am not allowed to have any say and no negotiations at all (His words). i do not wish to seek another, He is part of me, but how can i get Him to listen to me


I realize that you didn't post this to be lectured, and I'm going to try my hardest to not do that. I realize that you are in love with this man and that he's very important to you, BUT setting someone up to fail is not part of a healthy relationship. Without being too nosy (well, hell....). I realize this is being a bit nosy, but does his 'vanilla' family know about you? Do you think this is fair to his 'nilla wife? I'm sure that you've asked yourself these quetions.
Also, it worries me that he dismisses what you say and that he tells you that there are "no negotiations." A healthy relationship has good communication, and there should ALWAYS be room for discussion.
Good Luck
B

_____________________________

new pictures!! www.ropexpert.com
also- you can catch me on www.ksexradio.com every tuesday. I co-host Baadmasters' Dungeon!!

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/14/2005 6:33:15 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline
quote:

i know my self worth and i do not allow him to get so deep into my head that i get lost.


So what is the setting you up for failure bit? That's truly bad of a Dom, provided this man is a Dom. Did you ever say during one of these scenes, "Go fuck yourself"? He won't be gone for long because he has it made. He has the perfect little vanilla family and a woman on the side.

As Berlin said, you did not want a lecture, but we can all see this is a bad situation and I'm sure deep down you know it too. You were hoping we would say, "stay with the bum, it might get better". Or, along those lines. But it won't get better, it will steadily worse until you have no self-respect at all and that is so sad. JMO.

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 2/14/2005 6:36:12 AM >

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/14/2005 9:00:56 AM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		Hello submissive71,

quote:

i have been in a D/s relationship for a year now, left my life to move closer. He is married and has vanilla family. He has told me that my daughter and i are His second family, chooses to help financially (even though i do not need or wish), makes sure i am on the right track. He makes nearly all decisions for me even thought we do not live together and never will.


I assume, since you didn't say otherwise, that you knew the kind of situation that you were moving to when you moved? If so, I don't see anything wrong, per se, with how your master is handling you. It seems to me that he has taken ownership of you, and responsibility for you, in a way that suits his purposes. Your relationship sounds more master/slave than dom/sub to me, and if you accept that you are his slave, then you are his to do with more or less as he sees fit. He's within his rights to keep you as he sees fit. You are within your rights to leave. Whether he is upholding his end of the bargain with respect to his wife is between them. If he is hiding you from her, that should give you some insight into his character, but again, it's not directly your concern if you accepted that he was married when you entered the relationship.

quote:

Problem here...i have fallen in love with Him. i want to serve Him in everyway, even though he is too demanding, requesting of me things i cannot do. He sets me up for failure all the time in order to punish me.


What you're really saying here is that you want to serve him in every way that *you* desire. As his slave without limits (which it's obvious he considers you from your comment about his refusal to accept negotiations or conditions) you serve as *he* sees fit, not as *you* would like. Again, he is well within his rights to decide how and when you will serve. You are within your rights to leave his collar if you cannot serve as he desires.

quote:

He knows i love Him, i have told Him as well as expressed in many ways. i wish to be collared, but He thinks this is silly, b/c i know that He owns me and that is good enough. i know that He loves me too, but he will not say it. its like He always has to be "in charge" of his emotions and not let his guard down.


If he doesn't wish to place a collar on you, he doesn't. Some men mark their property that way, and some don't. You have to decide for yourself whose wishes carry. If you are serving a man, it is his wishes. Accept that, and you'll be happier. If you cannot accept it, find your happiness elsewhere.

I doubt that I'm the first person to tell you this, but boys and girls are different. He very well may not have the same emotions about you that you have about him. He's not a female slave. A relationship (especially a master/slave relationship) need not be, and probably won't be, symetrical. Master and slave are complementary, not the same. For a long time, some women have asserted that a "real man" will wear a turtleneck and be "man enough" to cry, and express other emotions that she, as a female, finds to be "genuine". If he doesn't express emotions like that, he must be repressed. Hogwash. The emotional state of men and women differ. Accept that he is male, and may not have the same emotions that you do.

quote:

He changes the subject or dismisses what i say completely. basically i am not allowed to have any say and no negotiations at all (His words). i do not wish to seek another, He is part of me, but how can i get Him to listen to me


You may be better off listening to him, than trying to get him to listen to you. Decide whether you can serve the man that he is, rather than trying to move him toward being the man that you (think) you'd like him to be. If you ever succeeded, you might not like the result.







< Message edited by Leonidas -- 2/14/2005 9:03:32 AM >

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/14/2005 11:06:26 AM   
Alexander


Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with Leonidas

but I also agree with berlin.

You are his slave. you are done. He's using you how he wants. BUT. He can't bring you into his home? Why not? Isn't ownership total? you only meet SOME of his needs. Thats fine in the definition of slave girls. But I personally feel like being a good human man involves a really earnest, protective, possesive, genuine caretaker-ship over ones family. that includes "second familes" to which you have been assigned.

You sound like a kennel slave to him As if he goes or sends for you when he wants you and nothing more. He has you caged and kept. "neglected" is not a term I have heard any natural submissive wish were her fate. Is that what you feel?

Alex.

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: love Him...hate Him - 2/14/2005 11:58:28 AM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissive71
Problem here...i have fallen in love with Him. i want to serve Him in everyway, even though he is too demanding, requesting of me things i cannot do. He sets me up for failure all the time in order to punish me.

While I don't do that myself, and have reasons for avoiding that style, if it works for the two of you, wonderful. However, I get the impression that it's not working well for you - at which, regardless of the love, it's time to step back and reevaluate the relationship.
quote:

He knows i love Him, i have told Him as well as expressed in many ways. i wish to be collared, but He thinks this is silly, b/c i know that He owns me and that is good enough. i know that He loves me too, but he will not say it.

I'm beginning to get the impression that there are some needs you have that are not being met in this relationship - and from what you say, it's unlikely that this will change.
quote:

its like He always has to be "in charge" of his emotions and not let his guard down. i have tried to express these things to him, but He changes the subject or dismisses what i say completely. basically i am not allowed to have any say and no negotiations at all (His words). i do not wish to seek another, He is part of me, but how can i get Him to listen to me

You cannot force him to listen to what he does not wish to hear or deal with.

If you really really want to try, writing everything down clearly, then asking him to read it during some of your "together" time, would be the only suggestion I can think of.

No relationship is perfect. The best we can do is find relationships that are "good enough". It's up to you to decide if this relationship is good enough for you. I do tend to agree with the rest - he's probably not going to change much.

For those who have felt a need to bash the dom - I encourage you to keep in mind that we have very little real information here. His style may not be to your taste - but mine probably isn't, either.

(in reply to submissive71)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> love Him...hate Him Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109