Maintaining control

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slavemaia -> Maintaining control (11/27/2006 8:23:17 AM)
i've read often on these boards of how the M/s or D/s dynamic is a 2-way street - the Dom cannot Dom without the sub and visa versa. My situation with my Master is, W/we are together weekends. During that time the power exchange is very good. During the week i work, go to school, maintain an apartment of my own etc. W/we talk everyday via phone or IM and His attitude becomes pretty relaxed and uhm, for lack of a better word - "equal". In turn, i find myself becoming more and more self-reliant and reverting back to a less submissive, more headstrong attitude. By the time the weekend arrives i'm struggling again to go back into place. Master and i have discussed this and He agrees and is aware of this. So i am requesting any helpful suggestions regarding Your experience with maintaining control over Your sub/slave when You're not with her for a few days or a week? Have You developed a system or anything else You find helpful in keeping the power exchange going?

Archer -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 8:37:06 AM)
Service is about motivation, the tasks f dail living don't change the eason behind doing them changes. So the idea is a shift in thinking:Why do you clean the house? because it serves my dominant primarily and because it helps me live a better life secondarily. Why do I work? Because working supports upkeep rather than it being nessisary to burden my dominntwith the additional costs of supporting me financially Why do I go to school? To increase my value to my dominant. When you shift the motvation the st often handles itself, it will also help if the dominan will increase the general oversight and check on your progress in these areas. Adapting a general oversightwill add to the ideaand give feedback on your serviceand thus help you maintain your emotional/ service levels.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 8:37:24 AM)
Well there are two things which might help you in the long term: Realize that Ds isn't about control, it's about authority. Realize that Ds isn't about the ACT, it's about the motivation. This tends to be an issue when you get off the high of new relationship energy, life intereferes with rituals, you lose the energy to do all those fun things you get to do when you're all giddy and suddenly you aren't DOING things, so you aren't getting your HIGH from them. Lots of slaves are self-reliant, and expected to be so on a very high level day to day. Other than this knowledge, there are two general solutions to this that people employ- One is that you enact rituals on a daily basis to maintain connection and get your sub fuzzies and help get into the headspace that you want. The other is to enact an intense greeting ritual to deal with the angst right away without having to go through the issues of refitting. One or both of these can help people tremendously when they are having problems with their headspace. But, over the long term, you simply will need to learn to BE together and know who you are (although an occasional leash tug is always nice).

KnightofMists -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 8:46:28 AM)
you mindset seems to indicate that M/s is about control. Myself... I consider the M/s is about Authority. Secondly.. you issue might not be an issue of the M/s that all... it might be an issue of Independence with Interdependence. Independence.... I do it Interdependence.... We do it. Often in relationships there is the evolution of becoming that independent individual with their own self-identity and moving it and becoming part of the whole. When you are single you are not part of a relationship.. it's just the I. No others to contend with or consider. As a part of a relationship... you become that We. Your self-identity becomes a part of another identity. Sometimes we run for fear that we are lossing a part of ourselves. In my opinion, in truth we are actually becoming greater... two become one... in the case of my relationship... three become one. We are individuals.. independent that become a part of a greater whole. Becoming a part of that greater whole opens up alot of insecurities and fears. It also rewards us if we have the courage to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. As you struggle... are rebelling from the Authority or Control... or are you actually rebelling from the WE over your I part. More often than not.. I think submissives fight the We battle... rather than their submission. I find it rather amazing when a person embraces that they are a part of We... their natural character and personality starts to flow into the relationship.. into that whole new identity that independent person became a part of. As a second note... remember you are not lossing your identity... for you are always an I... just the I is part of something bigger now... bigger in the WE part. Interdependence is a scary thing sometimes.. but it is well worth the effort with the right person(s).

slaveMastery -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 9:06:01 AM)
submissiveness is innate and natural-born. Not like so many who make it out to be a "life-style choice" - it is something that is either within you from birth, or it is not. The same goes for dominance. I can choose to be dominant just as much as I can choose to breathe oxygen to live. It is who I am - PERIOD. Same goes for your submissive nature - it is either that, your nature, or it is merely a choice that you made, but which is not your true nature. Hence, your submissive actions and behaviors are (or at least should be) internally motivated by your submissive nature. Should you, though, be in need of an external motivator, like the ongoing maintenance of control by your Dom or Master, to maintain your sense of submissiveness, you may not be fully in touch with your own true nature and need to delve within yourself to make that connection within yourself, which would allow you to have that unshakable identity of a submissive. At the same time, making your Master aware of the situation may help him adjust his interaction/communication pattern with you a bit to be less relaxed and thus provide that little ongoing external nudge to help you fortify your identity.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 9:20:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveMastery At the same time, making your Master aware of the situation may help him adjust his interaction/communication pattern with you a bit to be less relaxed and thus provide that little ongoing external nudge to help you fortify your identity. The impression I got was that they were at this stage and looking for some specific suggestions for "nudges." And what people mean by "lifestyle choice" is not that they feel they suddenly morphed into a dom/sub, but that they consciously consented to a relationship specifically oriented towards who they are. As is often said, a person may be "a sub" but that doesn't really mean anything to anyone, just like someone being "a heterosexual."

slaveMastery -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 9:29:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross The impression I got was that they were at this stage and looking for some specific suggestions for "nudges." That's what I get for spewing pre-coffee advice! Apparently, she feels a vacuum during the week and feels that there is too much of a lax communication pattern or protocol during the week. In situations like this one, I have always found it helpful to 1) tighten the communication pattern, 2) install daily remote rituals and tasks like, picking clothes for her to wear, requiring her to wear a buttplug out of the house for the first XYZ hours of the day and not remove until approved my SMS or IM. Just the little things that make the Master omnipresent in absentia and make her keenly aware of him being there every step of her way.

Elegant -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 10:17:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavemaia In turn, i find myself becoming more and more self-reliant and reverting back to a less submissive, more headstrong attitude. By the time the weekend arrives i'm struggling again to go back into place. Not all slaves have submissive personalities and not all D-types want a slave with a submissive personality. Not all D-types consider 'headstrong' and 'self-reliance' to be negative qualities in a slave. The 'trick' is how you conduct your headstrong ways while at the same time being respectful and obedient. Have you and your Master discussed the difference in you submitting and you acting in a submissive manner? I agree with LA in that you might consider implementing some rituals on a daily basis to reinforce your slavery to your Master. (note: I said 'slavery' as opposed to 'submission'...that choice is his). Sometimes when Master Archer is out of town I will kneel beside his side of the bed just for focus..to center myself. (shhh...he doesn't know this)

mstrjx -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 10:44:37 AM)
Now I realize where the 'Who's responsible?' thread (in the General category) came from. I just posted to that thread, and the same response would be spot-on right here as well. This reply is terribly insufficient (here); for a much better response, see that thread. I think each submissive needs to ask of themselves whether their 'reason' for submission is themselves, or the person whom they are with. If they feel they are truly submissive, their sense of 'place' should not vary (much). Jeff

slavemaia -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 11:41:16 AM)
Thank you all - Y/you have given me much food for thought. Ultimately yes, i do believe the choice to submit is always mine. i posted in the thread You recommended, mstrjx, on a similar topic. i want to say that i think Y/you are all remarkable people. i am so thankful i have Y/you to turn to when i'm confused. my motive is how can i serve my Master better - period. So if, my need for His control or whatever is selfish than i will seek to rid myself of it. i have no doubt about my submissive nature as it's found it's way into many relationships in my life without any conscious decision on my part. Being aware of it makes it very delicious though. my question here is an attempt to understand both myself and my Master more deeply so that i can bring to Him a beautiful, wonderful slave. my struggles i think are more with the habits and attitudes i've developed over the years to protect the more vulnerable aspects of myself - the very tender and totally loving parts that this nutty world can trample. Many of Y/you have had far more experience with a D/s relationship. This is my first, and at my age, i guess i shouldn't be the least surprised that i balk from time to time at the very thing i dearly want - to surrender. i do look to Master to lead me and to help keep me focused. He and i are both aware that behavioral patterns are accumulated and they have taken over before they're even realized. So thank Y/you again. i continue to learn and grow and OMG - be patient.

DsGUARDIAN -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 12:21:37 PM)
Many have this problem. It is not limited to those in your situation. One way you could help is be trying to stay focued on responding to him in a submissive way. Bend over backwards to show him your staus. This will remind hhim who is on Top.

slavemaia -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 1:05:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists you mindset seems to indicate that M/s is about control. Myself... I consider the M/s is about Authority. Secondly.. you issue might not be an issue of the M/s that all... it might be an issue of Independence with Interdependence. Independence.... I do it Interdependence.... We do it. Often in relationships there is the evolution of becoming that independent individual with their own self-identity and moving it and becoming part of the whole. When you are single you are not part of a relationship.. it's just the I. No others to contend with or consider. As a part of a relationship... you become that We. Your self-identity becomes a part of another identity. Sometimes we run for fear that we are lossing a part of ourselves. In my opinion, in truth we are actually becoming greater... two become one... in the case of my relationship... three become one. We are individuals.. independent that become a part of a greater whole. Becoming a part of that greater whole opens up alot of insecurities and fears. It also rewards us if we have the courage to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. As you struggle... are rebelling from the Authority or Control... or are you actually rebelling from the WE over your I part. More often than not.. I think submissives fight the We battle... rather than their submission. I find it rather amazing when a person embraces that they are a part of We... their natural character and personality starts to flow into the relationship.. into that whole new identity that independent person became a part of. As a second note... remember you are not lossing your identity... for you are always an I... just the I is part of something bigger now... bigger in the WE part. Interdependence is a scary thing sometimes.. but it is well worth the effort with the right person(s). You've given me much to ponder. Thank You.

Kalira -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 7:28:52 PM)
quote: submissiveness is innate and natural-born. Not like so many who make it out to be a "life-style choice" - it is something that is either within you from birth, or it is not I disagree with this. I was NOT BORN submissive [:)]. It came about through my late master teaching me what it could mean to be so in a relationship.

KnightofMists -> RE: Maintaining control (11/27/2006 8:48:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavemaia You've given me much to ponder. Thank You. Your Welcome

slavemaia -> RE: Maintaining control (11/28/2006 2:57:52 PM)
quote: I disagree with this. I was NOT BORN submissive [:)]. It came about through my late master teaching me what it could mean to be so in a relationship. i'm so glad you said this, Kalira. i know i have a deep inner nature that's submissive, but it's also very much a learning experience for me. After 50 something years of being either on my own or with what i term "wishy washy" kind of men, i don't exactly run smack into submissive attitudes all the time. Sometimes i think my submission revolves more around not wanting to be the controlling bitch i can be, than it does being "naturally" submissive - lol. But i do tend to agree that people aren't BORN to be anything. We are all products of our environment. The biggest difference for me now is i'm choosing my environment, rather than accepting what's forced down my throat by society.

adaddysgirl -> RE: Maintaining control (11/28/2006 8:55:51 PM)
maia, i was once seeing a dom on weekends only. He had me do some little tasks during the week so i could 'stay focused' and 'feel connected' (as he put it). For example, every morning, before i left for work, i had to email him my day's agenda....including what my plans were after work. If that changed during the day, i was to call him with my new plans and leave him a message on his voice mail. At some point at night, he would call me to talk. And before i went to bed, i would have to send him a 'good night' email. Sometimes he would have me look up different topics on the net and send him comments, links, etc. i know these sound like simple things but they did help me feel connected during the week. And for me, he only gave me tasks that he could actually monitor (so he knew for sure i was doing them) but they can really be any type of tasks (such as wearing a butt plug as someone else suggested...lol). And i don't know about you....but the more time i spent with him, the faster the weekends flew by. A real bummer [:'(] DG

AquaticSub -> RE: Maintaining control (11/28/2006 10:32:25 PM)
I do not know how helpful this will be to you but as I have been in more long distence relationships then I care to recount (but the distence is about to be removed from my dominant and I!) I have found myself realizing my motivations for things. I am going to school so that I can graduate because, so far all my partners have insisted upon my graduation before there is a serious commitment of the ring/collar variety. While this frustrates me sometimes, I understand that they were all, as my dominant now is, ensuring that if something were to happen to them, I would be able to take care of myself. Because of this, I go to college and work to finish more for my dominant and my family then for myself. I am always thinking of him, always wanting to do things to serve and submit even in his absence. Because of this, I am always on the lookout for treats I can bring him, things that a college student can afford, will make him smile and let him know that I was always thinking of him. I do this by getting his favorite brand of beer or soda when it goes on sale (college student [:'(]). I stock my pantry to be able to make his favorite meals and whenever I see gummi bears on sale, they are mine for him! Luckily they are not expensive, even as far as candy goes so I plan to have several bags of them for him when he arrives. I hope this is helpful to you in some way.

slavejali -> RE: Maintaining control (11/29/2006 4:03:08 AM)
Well, Master giving me a list of tasks each day really helps, I don't see why it wouldn't work for you too. Simple but effective, doesn't have to be anything major, has to be do-able etc...

LotusSong -> RE: Maintaining control (11/29/2006 6:08:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavemaia i've read often on these boards of how the M/s or D/s dynamic is a 2-way street - the Dom cannot Dom without the sub and visa versa. My situation with my Master is, W/we are together weekends. During that time the power exchange is very good. During the week i work, go to school, maintain an apartment of my own etc. W/we talk everyday via phone or IM and His attitude becomes pretty relaxed and uhm, for lack of a better word - "equal". In turn, i find myself becoming more and more self-reliant and reverting back to a less submissive, more headstrong attitude. By the time the weekend arrives i'm struggling again to go back into place. Master and i have discussed this and He agrees and is aware of this. So i am requesting any helpful suggestions regarding Your experience with maintaining control over Your sub/slave when You're not with her for a few days or a week? Have You developed a system or anything else You find helpful in keeping the power exchange going? If someone has to WORK at being Dom or submissive..maybe they actually are neither. It's something you are born with... just a part of your personality. The only thing one can work at is perfecting techniques. It's shouldn't be "work".

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maintaining control (11/29/2006 8:00:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If someone has to WORK at being Dom or submissive..maybe they actually are neither. It's something you are born with... just a part of your personality. The only thing one can work at is perfecting techniques. It's shouldn't be "work". Orientations might be innate. Relationships are not. Forming elationships and maintaining them DOES take work.

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