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Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 8:00:45 PM

NewDommeinFl

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

Ok, so I was just 'informed' by a slave that most subs/slaves aren't looking to bring their submission into the bedroom, that they aren't into this lifestyle sexually... that Me wanting a boy to play with in the bedroom is an unrealstic want and that I "just want a boyfriend to boss around". *becuause of my job my lifestyle has to stay on the down down low*

So my question is this to the subs... is this true? Do you not have a desire to serve sexually? Am I totally off base by wanting a sub who can act vanilla in the real world but when we're alone will submit to me both emotionally and sexually?

I'm pretty perplexed by this. I admit I am VERY new and still learning, but when he said that I was just FLOORED... not into sex? How is that possible?

Any and all responses would be appreciated.

*New Domme*

Post #: 1

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 8:28:09 PM

phoenix52

Posts: 179
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline

Well.... the short answer on this is that everyone is different.

Someone posted a thread on this topic a while ago, and while there were some people who said that there was no sexual component to their BDSM, the majority felt that it was intrinsically sexual. i have even heard subs say they came just from flogging/spanking. i haven't managed this one yet, but i see how it could happen.... maybe some day!

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 2

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 8:33:26 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDommeinFl
Ok, so I was just 'informed' by a slave that most subs/slaves aren't looking to bring their submission into the bedroom, that they aren't into this lifestyle sexually... that Me wanting a boy to play with in the bedroom is an unrealstic want and that I "just want a boyfriend to boss around".

Am I totally off base by wanting a sub who can act vanilla in the real world but when we're alone will submit to me both emotionally and sexually?

Hey there New, I am relatively new, but I've been in it long enough to know that is Complete Bull... but not for everyone...
Every sub has a different need, and every slave has a different need...

From what I have encountered (by real life/IM/email, or on these boards), some say they Love being ordered to perform orally, but they think fucking is too violent an act, and so don't want to fuck a woman (which to me means he's impotent, or is not interested in doing women, because If he's my sub, and I want to Phuck, that's what we will be doing); some say they want to serve, are comfortable with performing oral but have a huge desire to be forced to do other men/be cuckolded; some say they don't want to be allowed sexual satisfaction at all; and some are more where you need (naturally submissive or comfortable enough as men, and don't mind at all deferring to the lady in his life), etc. etc.
To me, this lifestyle is about sexual gratification (otherwise we'd just call them people who clean house, lol), though for each person it's a different thing yah know...
What you have to do, aside from finding someone who is honest/open, and not online to get jerk off material, is also find one who can perform sexually when you need him to. In my short 1 year introduction, I've met impotent/only comfortable with oral, but desiring to do another man really badly/only wants to be treated like an animal (maybe even made to do one), etc... So, don't believe that person (I was going to use adjectives, but I'll be nice, lol), and keep searching for the right one for you...
Good luck, M

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 3

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 8:53:31 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

Here is another discusion on this topic and in that thread i posted links to 7 more threads on it:

sex and BDSM

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 4

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 9:10:11 PM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

Being submissive is definitely all about sexuality for me, it turns me on immensely to be this way. Conversely, the act of "sex" or coitus i can leave or take, it's not something i strive for.

I don't have erectile problems and/or size trouble either, just find sex a little boring. I have no desire to be cuckholded. I do like orgasms (who doesn't?) but for me to be comfortable, i'm probably one of the many who enjoy giving oral service to anything else. I know that sounds typical, but i'd be lying to say otherwise.

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 9:22:10 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

So my question is this to the subs... is this true? Do you not have a desire to serve sexually? Am I totally off base by wanting a sub who can act vanilla in the real world but when we're alone will submit to me both emotionally and sexually?

I know many where sex does not come into play. I also know many where it is a must. So, as other's have stated. Depends on the person.
Myself I can take it or leave it. However I am in a very committed relationship with my dom..so the sex heightens our play.
Keep looking if you're finding the wrong types. The right one is out there somewhere.

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 6

RE: Sex or no? - 2/13/2005 11:13:10 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

While this is a lifestyle that pretty much revolves around sexuality, not all of it involves sex. Pro Domme do not (as a rule) have sex with clients. That would move what they do into the area of prostitution and make things illegal. Is it still a sexual atmosphere, but no actual sex takes place.

Now, that being said, I use my sub the way I want. If that includes hot, wet, steamy, bed-moving sex, well guess what.. strip boy! There are bed springs to be abused. I expect to get what I want. Not what some sub has as his fantasy of this lifestyle.

This self styled slave who informed you that you were wrong isn't a slave, btw. A slave knows that they do as they are told. This guy seems to have sex as a hard limit. Do not buy into the labels people hang on themselves. A lot of times, what someone calls themselves is their fantasy of what they want to be.

Take anything you are told is a "rule" or "everyone does it this way" with a grain of salt. BDSM does have three commonly accepted rules.. safe, sane and consensual. Other than that, YOU write the book. YOU are the Dominant. You decide what you want, how you want it and how to get it. Then you find a sub who matches what you want or is willing to bend himself to match what you want. No one can tell you how you should be Dominant. If you want sex, by crikey.. you get sex. If you want them wearing a red clown nose and reciting "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" more power to you. I'd love to watch. *grins* This is sort of like burger king.. have it YOUR way. :-)

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 7

RE: Sex or no? - 2/14/2005 3:26:42 AM

Moleculor

Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

Quite honestly, if I were to ever bottom to someone, it would -have- to be "bedroom only", as the idea of submitting elsewhere is rather abhorant to me. (Unless that elsewhere involved sex too, like sex on top of a refridgerator or something. :P)

_____________________________

</sarcasm>

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 8

RE: Sex or no? - 2/14/2005 7:27:26 AM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moleculor
if I were to ever bottom to someone, it would -have- to be "bedroom only" <snip> (Unless that elsewhere involved sex too, like sex on top of a refridgerator :P)

But wouldn't that be topping from the bottom?

Everyone has made such good comments here. Someone mentioned that they found sex boring, which is a comment I made once. I was told in reply: "Then you aren't doing it right".

So on this St. Valentine's Day, let us all do right with our partners. And if we don't have partners, accept this day's blessing to find the right person who wants to do right with you.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

(in reply to Moleculor)

Post #: 9

RE: Sex or no? - 2/14/2005 8:04:21 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

, so I was just 'informed' by a slave that most subs/slaves aren't

New Domme,
Careful, this thread could again get into a sub vs. slave issue again. How a "slave" has that choice is outside my expertise.

Anyway, my opinion on your basic question, BDSM outside the realm of sex, is that you are dealing with a masochist. Consider that a masochist wants pain for pain sake. They seek the sensation and need nothing more. Whereas another person uses the sensation and has it morph into sensual experience. The masochist's goal is pain, the sensualist's goal is pleasure. Which is why a Dom/Master does not have to be and is not necessarily a sadist. Matched with a sensually 'wired' submissive, he uses the sensational play to achieve the common goal of sensual stimulation and sexual ecstasy.

Then there is another possibility; having it's origins in the "Clinton" era and the definition of 'sex'. If you are meeting and playing with married or otherwise committed people, they could be rationalizing that BDSM play is NOT cheating because it doesn't involve sex. I don't believe this, because I demand mental commitment more than physical, but many do. Most who come to this site saying their spouses "don't understand" this "aspect" of their life; fall into this category.

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 10

RE: Sex or no? - 2/14/2005 9:55:34 AM

littlebuttercup

Posts: 36
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

my experience of my own submission is rooted in my sexuality. to have a "scene" with a Dom/me that involved no sex or release for me would be the absolute worst form of torture. i like to pleasure my Master in a sexual way, it seems the highest form of my submission to me.

even doing menial household tasks tend to arouse me if they are done in a D/s context.

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 11

RE: Sex or no? - 2/15/2005 10:11:45 AM

subrob1967

Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

Everyone has their own opinion, and there is no one definition for BDSM.

With me, I love sex, but I don't have to orgasm everytime I "play".

Some submissives get their thrill through service, for others it's all about sex, and will do almost anything a Dom/me wants as long as they "get off".

Some subs want and need micromanagement, others need to have access to their own hobbies, and would resent the "Micromanager Dom/me".

When filling out your profile, make sure you state what you are looking for in a submissive, and when contacted, have the submissive explain exactly what their looking for in a Dom/me.

(in reply to littlebuttercup)

Post #: 12

RE: Sex or no? - 2/15/2005 7:17:17 PM

NewDommeinFl

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

To everyone who replied.. thank you for your time and thoughts.

I'm glad to see that I wasn't totally off base for being surprised at what he said...

Oh well... his loss. ;) hehe

Have a wonderful week everyone and thanks again!!!

xoxo
NewDomme

(in reply to subrob1967)

Post #: 13

RE: Sex or no? - 2/17/2005 11:32:47 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDommeinFl

So my question is this to the subs... is this true? Do you not have a desire to serve sexually? Am I totally off base by wanting a sub who can act vanilla in the real world but when we're alone will submit to me both emotionally and sexually?

I'm pretty perplexed by this. I admit I am VERY new and still learning, but when he said that I was just FLOORED... not into sex? How is that possible?

Any and all responses would be appreciated.

*New Domme*

It's more than possible. Many do not want sex as part of their relationships. Many do.

You will find that there is more variety out there than you have yet imagined. And if you CAN imagine it, someone out there is doing it and very happy about it.

What matters is finding someone who is compatible with you.

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 14

RE: Sex or no? - 2/17/2005 3:24:58 PM

terah

Posts: 69
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline

To have sex or not to have sex.. hmm That easy. if the person makes me feel sensual and desirable I love to have sex. I am human.. lol But That does not mean I would have sex with someone whom I did feel I could trust and that is a big key. I will even stop having sex with a dominant because I do not trust them.

But when it comes to switching when I top is is my rule not to have sex with a sub, slave bottom or whatever flavor they want to be called. Women always have the double standard, being a Domina is no exception. men see sex as submissive. If you look at it from their perspective when you are dating/courting you get more out a man before you laydown with him. I am not talking about gifts either, although that doesn't hurt. What I am talking about is the respect between individual.

Just my 2 cent
Terah

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 15

RE: Sex or no? - 2/17/2005 9:02:14 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

You feel that having sex with a man lessens his respect for you?? You've been with the wrong men!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to terah)

Post #: 16

RE: Sex or no? - 2/18/2005 3:11:22 AM

sting516

Posts: 505
Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
Status: offline

i believe Beach Mystress hit the nail right on the head when She said bdsm is by it's nature sensual, but not necessarily sexual...that said, for me, i find it highly sexual...bdsm, for better or worse, has replaced my wish for vanilla as the primary sensual/sexual outlet.

i've always wondered about the Dommes who have said this is all about the power...there has to be some reason doing cbt or some other form of play does it for You...and while i'm not a fan of the so-called financial dommes, i can see that more as the power trip as opposed to those who use the sub/slaves genitals or invade their ass and then say it's not about sex at all.

i'm sure i'm missing some part of the Domina psyche that may make that seem sensible to me...of course, perhaps this is why i don't have the Dominant personality and could never really see myself as a top/Dom/Master or whatever one would choose to call it.

As always, your mileage may vary.

sting

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 17

RE: Sex or no? - 2/19/2005 12:32:23 PM

Redb

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

You feel that having sex with a man lessens his respect for you?? You've been with the wrong men!

Do people still think that ????????
In THIS day and age ???????????

***SHOCKED***

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 18

RE: Sex or no? - 3/4/2005 4:09:27 AM

chainedgirl

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

An intrinsic part of the way i serve is sexual. i am a slut through and through and proud of that. But the pleasure is not in me being pleased, it is in serving others and them being pleased. i get so turned on by denial, and love the idea of being made to service many sexually, but not being allowed to cum myself. Though bdsm is not necessarily about sex, for me it is.

(in reply to Redb)

Post #: 19

RE: Sex or no? - 3/4/2005 5:57:07 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Personally, I think it's everyones own choice when it comes down to it. From what i've read however the vast majority associate with it at least a little sexually.I myself find it a huge turn on. I can't really help other then to say I agree with mostly every thing already written. Remember always SSC

(in reply to NewDommeinFl)

Post #: 20

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