Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (Full Version)

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sarahjean -> Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 10:03:18 AM)

i'm collared real time... we live together and we are getting married sometime this year. We met in 2000. Reason i am writting here is just sometimes i get concerned that i feel us leaning more and more to that old nilla life i left to be here. We do discuss it. i just sometimes kind of feel i have to "pull it out of him". We both know i was more into it all when we started but in the beginging it was fine... all i could have desired in a D/s relationship. i do know that every day life and it's obligations can get in the way. We do and had discussed that before too... knowing the "intensity" of new would change as all does in life. i am actually not even sure what i seek in writting here. Perhaps my main concern is the feeling i have to pull that Dom out of him. I have read quite a few profiles and posts and realize how fortunate i am to have found someone with my first time doing real. i was very lucky not to meet a user/ player/ wannbe. i just know something isn't quite right if i have this feeling of the having to pull that Dom out of him and is it wrong of me to do? i knew it would't always be easy. i did leave all i knew to be with him too. Basically it is great... as i said i feel very lucky and happy most the time... i just feel such longing for more control. i guess i seek advice or thoughts on that. As i said he does know this, we have discussed it. i feel almost i am a "bad sub" if i feel this way for it should be to his desire as my Master not mine. Right? Well, thanks for reading and responding. sj



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 10:43:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarahjean
Basically it is great... as i said i feel very lucky and happy most the time... i just feel such longing for more control.


(These are my thoughts, and I know that they do not jibe with those of most others in the lifestyle. Read at your own risk. *smile*)

It has long been a theory of mine that control and romantic love are opposing forces. Personally, I have found that the more I fell in love with a slave, the less control I was willing to exert. The strictness in my tone and demeanor faded to a loving coo. *smile*

So what I have found is that I need to seperate my "romantic love" interest and my "control and ownership" interest.

So what am I suggesting? Perhaps your partner would consider letting someone else fulfil some of your control needs...but most men simply can not handle that kind of thing.

I am sure I didn't help, but at least I said what I came to say.

Taggard




Alexander -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 10:50:48 AM)

We have had very similar experiences from opposite sides of the fence.

I wish I could tell you something positive, we didn't get married nor ever planned on it and we approached it from a Gorean background the two of us. She wasn't a natural submissive. They are extremely rare. She wanted to be but there is a huge difference.

In the beginning there are critical months where you have to establish a serious set of expectations that must be met. From your side it's a matter of meeting those expectations and can you do it forever? All I can really add to prepare you is you can't force someones nature. But you can remind them.

From your end you are in the position of being forced to go and beg him. You simply have to do this IMO, and preferably not over lunch at dennys but naked at his feet. Other dominants or your fellow submissives may have better advice but from my position nothing reminds me more of my place in nature then a woman moved to beg her needs.

Alex



Darthbetta -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 10:55:27 AM)

A very funny anecdote I once heard.....

"When master is around, you do it his way. When he is not... you do whatever the fuck you want as long as you keep his needs and desires in mind and the job gets done . [:D]

yep. that just about sums it up.

and try having more "OPEN DISCUSSIONS" as a time out.

24/7 can be tough sinc eyou are not just "in scene" or roles all the time..... there is indeed a vanilla every day aspect to this, but just be mindfull that there is always the D/s or M/s undertone and all will be cool.

as to wanting more "input"... you are completely free to speek your mind..... just be respectfull, and figure a way to word things so as to not undermine his authority.

PS: it usualy is a good time to bring things up just after you let him fire some hot love sauce down your throat [;)].... us "Sirs" tend to be more aimiable at that still "blood not quite back in all the proper levels in other areas of the body" stage.LOL.

HTH.



stripmaster -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 11:11:49 AM)

I understand your dilemma,
Work and every day things can dull the time & energy needed to Dom. You do have what I conceder the main key to any relationship and that is open communication. I myself, fine it very hard to be "in love" with my slave. I find it works better for me to love her for who she is, and what she offers to me and to us. I like some believe the collar is a deeper commitment then a marriage vow, and thus the marriage thing is more of a commitment too vanilla life. Now those of you who are married and deeply in the D’s don’t get upset with me, I’m very happy for you and your relationship.

I haven’t met a slave or sub who doesn’t have needs from their Master/Dom. I find very few slaves’ that get controlled as much as they wish. Only your man will know what works best, but for me mine acts up like a bad little girl and I know its time to take her by the hair and bend her over my knee. That would be my advice work out some form of subtlety signs with him. Then when you display them he will know what you’re trying to convey without toping from the bottom.
[8D]



MidnightWriter -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 11:38:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarahjean

... i just know something isn't quite right if i have this feeling of the having to pull that Dom out of him and is it wrong of me to do? ... i just feel such longing for more control. i guess i seek advice or thoughts on that.

Sad, but true. They never let me into the SubSpace discussions, but I've been told by reliable sources that this is the single most common complaint heard there - more of an issue than the fakes or wannabes by a long shot.

I don't have any suggestions for you, but did want you to be aware that you're far from alone in this.

Oh - by my lights, it's no more "wrong" for you to pull dom energy out of him than it is for him to pull sub energy out of you when you're not feeling particularly subbish - in other words, not at all. It does take two to dance this dance.



sub4hire -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 12:39:24 PM)

quote:

i just feel such longing for more control. i guess i seek advice or thoughts on that.


Why don't you ask your dom about it? I know that probably sounds redundant but you have no idea how many people complain to other's yet never go straight to the source.
Also, I'd ask myself what D's is to me? Is it kinky sex or day to day life? Why are you bored? Why isn't there enough control? D/s encompasses quite a bit if you start thinking about it. Control is everywhere you turn. Of course sometimes it has to be pointed out.
How about making his day to day life a little easier so he has more time to concentrate on the relationship? That is also serving. You are a couple and if the both of you truly want the relationship to work it will. It just takes some hard work and dedication.



BeachMystress -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 1:44:53 PM)


I'm starting the journey you are on, but from the other side. I will be collaring my sub shortly and we'll be moving in together some time after that. We already spend many days a week together 24/7. I'm one of the type that the more I love my sub, the more I want control wise. Vanilla is intermixed with the D/s. It happens. Sometimes there is more vanilla than the D/s, but that is to be expected.

Now, if my sub ever feels that he is not getting the level of control he needs/wants and does not sit me down for a talk, I will be furious. I'm working on a relationship where he can tell me what he needs and is comfortable fulfilling all of my needs. That is done via communication.

As sub4hire says, go to the source. You said you've broached the subject, but it needs more communication since he hasn't responded. Ask if he is one who can't reconcile romantic love and control.. broach the subject of you having another Dom. Keep in mind, this means him having another sub. Can you deal with that? Also, is this a phase? We all have periods of higher stress in our lives that keep us tired and not in the mood for things. Find out WHY he isn't exerting his control.



RealityFix -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 3:35:02 PM)

We seem to agree on something Taggert. Romance interests have to be weighed seperately from ownership ones. If romance limits a control that the sub needs for security it becomes a problem.

But I do not agree about her dom ceding control to others,it's a recipe for disaster. It will only confuse the dynamic.

I would ask your Master to write down his expectations of you, and to clarify his D/s structure. This will help him to regain his focus, and give you both a starting place to build from. I find that making a few drafts of how I prefer things to be done, and how I relate to a sub really clarifies things for me internally.


But he must be made to realize that this is a NEED from you ,not a want. And that it is in his own self interest to pursue it seriously.




sarahjean -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/14/2005 11:43:53 PM)

A few little replies to those for reading and responding...Thanks... Many good thoughts and suggestions. As i said we do talk about this quite a bit. i will try even more discussions and even incorporate some of your suggestions. We also have had a lot of big and little life interruptions this past year too. i do know this affects it all as well. The only suggestions we could never follow is bringing someone else in but thanks for those thoughts too. my Master and i both feel the way RealityFix does... that it ( FOR US ) would only be a recipe for disaster and confuse the dynamic. (Whew, thanks for the better explantion then i could have ever had come up with why not good for us.) We both aggreed big time from day one that would be something we would never do. But, thanks anyway for those thoughts. i imagine it might work for some. i feel better just in sharring though. i needed a place as this. As i said i left all i knew to be here. i literally have no real friends that i can share with or in any form for that matter.
In conclusion...
He use to tell me quite often i am as a beautifu rose. i not only relish the blossom but desire the thorns too... i was reminded of this tonight when he came home and as always every night i am kneeling at the front door upon his arrival... but tonight he COMMANDED me (yeah!!!) to go in and kneel before the fire place with eyes closed... the next thing i knew i was smelling the exotic fragrance of the most gorgeous large floral dispay i was finally told i could look at... with everything from roses to lillys and many more. With tears cascading of joy combined with tears of feeling bad i even "complained" today about this wonderful man i tried to read his wonderful card addressed to My sarah, My world, My love, My valentine :). So maybe he didn't whip me with those thorns tonight but we did curl up on the couch and it was nice... very, very nice. :) Any ladies reading... Oh you know i am tearing again. lol
Thanks all so much... i came to profound revelation today and you all did have a hand in it to a degree even by just being here... signed,
That so extremely lucky girl sarah
P.S. Maybe tomorrow night for his arrival...i'll get the crop out of the trunk... blow the dust off and have it between my teeth ... with a rose behind my ear :) Think he'll get the hint? :)



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/15/2005 6:50:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sarahjean
P.S. Maybe tomorrow night for his arrival...i'll get the crop out of the trunk... blow the dust off and have it between my teeth ... with a rose behind my ear :) Think he'll get the hint? :)


There is nothing more attractive in my eyes then aggressive submission. Show your need and I bet he will rise to the occasion.

If another dom is out of the question, buy him "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren...it is one of the best books for relieving what I call Dominant's Hesitation (that feeling of not wanting to hurt the ones you love.)

Good luck...

Taggard



Voltare -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/15/2005 10:32:54 AM)

Taggard's spot on! When a submissive is enthusiastic and does little things to prompt me, it makes my job much easier. I think all couples have to deal with a point where the routine becomes monotonous, and a little change or spice is what keeps it healthy. He knows how you feel, so trying to get the best out of the relationship at appropriate times is a great idea!(the crop and rose probably won't work so well at 11:30 at night after he's worked 18 hours.)

Good luck!

Stephan



Mercnbeth -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/15/2005 12:08:40 PM)

quote:

i get concerned that i feel us leaning more and more to that old nilla life i left to be here.


sarahjean,
you may be doing more 'vanilla things and needing to take care of vanilla life issues, but if everything else you say is true, you're NOT going back to being vanilla. You can't "pull the Dom" out of anyone, nor should you try as a sub. You can only be a "bad sub" to your Dom, not yourself. You indicated a need for more control. Are your relationship 'controls' currently clear? You may not need more controls, just a clear understanding of control. It's a good reason to have written rules/rituals.

Ask yourself this - Are you having fun? Are you happy? Those are not experiences or emotions you give up as a submissive or when you become a slave. In fact your emotional happiness and satisfaction within a lifestyle relationship is a good barometer of judging if the lifestyle is right for you, or is just an diversionary 'kink'. Ask you Dom the same question. Assuming you are both honest, if the answer is yes from both perspective you have no problems. If no, then you talk it out.



Keepiru -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (2/15/2005 3:39:13 PM)

I've been in a Master/slave relationship for 6 years now, and at various times, I have definitely experienced what you are going through, the first time was about 6 months in to the relationship. At that time, I was able to resolve the issue by instituting a few (not too many) rituals that reinforced the dynamic. The biggest one to me was having her sleep on the floor instead of my bed. Another that came later was having her ask me every night before she went to bed if I needed anything. This worked well for me, because I got to bed much later than she does. Another thing that helped was developing a small community of friends in similiar relationships. It definitely helps if I can go out and be around people, and still be in an open D/s dynamic. Sometimes being an aggressive (but not demanding, needy, or whiny, it's a fine line) submissive helps a lot. Other things that I do is have her keep a daily journal, and do annual/quarterly reviews, a typical part of the reviews is a reminder, which is usually a fair severe beating that also involves other acts that help maintain her in a submissive state, and me in a dominant one.


Someone mentioned The Loving Dominant, I would also recommend Slavecraft.

Brandon



sarahjean -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (4/30/2007 10:39:40 PM)

Well look at me! I haven't been here in quite awhile to say the least. Check the date. Remembered I had wrote here and wanted to see what I actually said and was feeling so long ago. Let's see, we have been married one year and a bit over 4 months! Cool huh? Hmmm well let's see... the last time I was tied up was yep, my wedding night. Sad but true, actually made me chuckle in a i can't believe it way, it's so ironic. Of course that is perhaps why I am here again after all this time. It is so much more then the physicality of the D/s I miss. SO much more as I am sure many of you real timers know. Yes, i still (most of the time) knell upon his arrival home from work. Can't remeber though the last time I sought permission to join his bed upon my knees. (One of our "rituals"). I don't know what came first... the egg or chicken... the horse or the carriage. In other words where or who with the fault lies.  I am happy... in a vanilla way. Great man, no money concerns, nice house, wonderful talks, have fun together and so on. Heck, I had most of that before. God, I am hungry for what I felt! If I had not wrote before... he did get diagnosed with crohn's disease a few years ago. That did not help by any means and I do understand it is more "difficult" to have mental and physical energy for "it".  As I said before we do and have talked about it. One of my biggest fears becoming 24/7 much less married and sharred with him was my fear it would change. i know things do and lifes interuptions can get in the way. But, well... i don't know. I am quite (spent 3 minutes just now trying to think what "quite" I actually am)...  sad, no i got it... I think I almost feel mourning. That's where I am at. I was planning on going through the old bdsm trunk tomorrow and just tossing all the ropes, whips, chains and on and on away. i shall wait though. I just wonder if I did, how long it would be before he noticed. Dang Oh well. Don't be too hard on him.... or me for that matter. Either would be tough how I feel right now. I just needed a place to share. I love him with all my heart... he IS my life! pooh who do you think is tearing big time now. Thanks for letting me share.   



Celeste43 -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (5/1/2007 3:31:33 AM)

One thing I've realized is that his level of control hasn't waned, I still have the same rules as in the beginning. The difference is that I have internalized the rules, he doesn't even have to look to see if I'm following them any more, he knows I am.

But asking him to make new rules just to make me feel controlled puts him in the situation of making rules he doesn't want and him being controlled by the need to enforce things he doesn't want done, and this makes no sense.

Do you still do the same things he trained you to do in the beginning? Then you are giving the same level of submission. But because you do these things automatically, you don't notice them.

Ask for protocols and/or rituals to increase your awareness of submission. And play also helps to feel the dynamic. Invite some play. Crawl naked to him with crop between your teeth. Stroll out in a corset and heels and dare him to wrestle you. Stuff like that. Because you have as much a respnsibility to keep the dynamic active as he does.



SirDominic -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (5/1/2007 5:54:00 AM)

sarah, I am not at all surprised with your update. In my opinion most of the advice you have been given, though meant to be helpful, was wrong.

You mentioned from the start that you were the kinky one, and you had to coax him into it. At first it was novel and new, and he responded, but he is not a natural Dom. In your original post you asked what you could do to pull the Dom out of him. This was the telling point. It showed me he was doing it for the fun, and for you, but it wasn't him. Once he got tired of it he reverted back into who he is. You can't pull the Dom out of someone, either it is there, or it is not.

If the Dom is in the man, yeah the daily grind of life will get in the way from time to time, but he will always come back to the kink. This is not your husband. You need to face this reality. You say you love him with all your heart, and you are also in mourning about the loss of that kinky side that is still very important to you years later. You face a very difficult decision. Can you be happy for the rest of your life in that vanilla lifestyle with the man you love? Or is your need for the kinky side of your life the stronger. You must face that decision, because it is verrrry unlikely he will ever regain interest in fetish, because he never really had it in the first place.

I do wish you the best and that it works out, whichever way you go.
Namaste, Sir Dominic



MstrssPassion -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (5/1/2007 6:27:01 AM)

I saw this mention of how it was sarahjean who initiated the "kink" in the OP as well & was going to reply with that standard reply.... you can't create your perfect dominant. You can't be so submissive that it will cause someone to respond by being very dominant... kinda goes hand in hand with the saying, if I love them enough they will love me back/they will change because I do XYZ. They are either dominant or they aren't.... or of course they may be able to role-play to some degree from time to time yet it is up to the individual to decide their course in this regardless as to the role. We can't make someone be something they are not.

He obviously loves you & you love him & it sounds like you just might have a very wonderful life ahead of you. But if you are hear saying that this isn't enough then you really need to address this with him & tell him that you are not satisfied & that your needs aren't being met. If in fact he isn't this Master of your dreams & he is not wired to be such & you decide that you absolutely will not be fulfilled with anything less then you have a real tough decision to make.

You might want to make out a list of pros & cons that mark what having this person in your life mean to you & what not having him (meaning, replacing him with this fantasy Master) in your life mean to you.

Just keep in mind one thing. This man you care enough about to marry is real, a live flesh & blood man who is a very important person in your life.... is this fantasy image of a Master really worth pursuing at the risk of not finding & losing this real man forever?


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic
<snip>
You mentioned from the start that you were the kinky one, and you had to coax him into it. At first it was novel and new, and he responded, but he is not a natural Dom. In your original post you asked what you could do to pull the Dom out of him. This was the telling point. It showed me he was doing it for the fun, and for you, but it wasn't him. Once he got tired of it he reverted back into who he is. You can't pull the Dom out of someone, either it is there, or it is not.

If the Dom is in the man, yeah the daily grind of life will get in the way from time to time, but he will always come back to the kink. This is not your husband. You need to face this reality. You say you love him with all your heart, and you are also in mourning about the loss of that kinky side that is still very important to you years later. You face a very difficult decision. Can you be happy for the rest of your life in that vanilla lifestyle with the man you love? Or is your need for the kinky side of your life the stronger. You must face that decision, because it is verrrry unlikely he will ever regain interest in fetish, because he never really had it in the first place.

I do wish you the best and that it works out, whichever way you go.
Namaste, Sir Dominic



Stranger1 -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (5/1/2007 6:51:53 AM)

Some men seem only to be able to control in an objective sense-it trips them up with D/s.

In others, the control IS romance.

It's really just about finding one with the perspective that works for you-I personally feel no need to compartmentalize.



sarahjean -> RE: Just seeking thoughts on my real time D/s (5/1/2007 8:01:24 AM)

Thanks for responding to all that took time. Good thoughts. I appreciate any input. I think sometimes outside sources can see things when we can not see clearly ourselves.
Just sharring more... guess I don't want to think of him as not naturally Dominant...
I was into it more, yes, but he was into it indeed. I did not initiate. We met on a site as this. I wrote an ad seeking a "local" Master for real time. His letter seemed to understand what I was seeking most (400+ responses, most were easy to see as players). I felt an imidiate kinship in his words, that he got it...  that he got me. He was clearly the one and only one I responded to. Then as now, we talked about how we both wanted more in a relationship. We felt we had "settled" in the past. The kink is absolutly a great bonus to a D/s relationship... it was the emotional side of it I believe that is the difference. The mental state. He told me he was so relieved he could finally be himself. I think (hope) it is in him naturally. When I feel it from him... I FEEL IT. It just is not very often if ever of late especially. I feel as though it is because I stopped "pushing" him. Like I have almost given up on D/s. i always referred to him as Master at home... now I say "honey, dinner is ready". (big sigh) He already had the books people suggested early to read too. He wanted this too at least he did then I guess. I have been struggling of late with exactly what you responders said... can I be happy in this life with this great man even if it is more vanilla then what I sought. I think so, I hope so. I would be crazy not to, He is wonderful. I know we need to talk even more about it. I know we will. I know he senses my sadness of late and that I am even withdrawing. i know we/i/ something has to be done before too late. I am sure we will figure something out. It is what it is but even at that, it is way too good to lose. We often admit we are blessed and fortunate for many reasons. Especially each other. Part of my problem is I feel guilt for being so lucky, yet still wanting/ needing more.                    Thanks for letting me share yet again. It does help in a strange way to just share.                   sj   



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