RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries

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Jayxkes -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 12:31:56 AM)
I hate to say it, but it looks like you both have some serious issues. If I read this correctly Cute is topping from the bottom and SirKennin is bottoming from the top! Whilst there is nothing wrong in either if it works for you, this seems to be the opposite of what you both want. The feel I am getting, rightly or wrongly, is that Cute has been given too much freedom and has been over indulged. It looks like she is using bratty behaviour to try and get back to where she needs to be. Cute's original post is way too general and comes across almost as a conversation filler! What I hope is that the two of you can talk openly and honestly, and sort it out. I also hope you don't turn this thread into a 'he said/she said' slagging match.

Bigbossman4u -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 7:29:39 AM)
I think before communicating honestly and openly with each other to sort this out, both of the parties need to step back, take stock and honestly try to figure out as individuals: 1) what makes each happy, content and able to live an honorable and full life 2) what qualities each desires in a partner, and whether they find those qualities in each other and to what degree 3) review past relationship patterns and attempt to look at one's own responibilities in those failures 4) contemplate just wtf each is doing pursing this D/s relationship in the specific 'role' each has assumed I'm no psychologist or counselor, but I don't see any point in trying to work together to improve things without the ability to be honest with oneself. Just my $.02... Best, Joshua

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 12:22:35 PM)
she has actually indicated that she only feels like a sub sometimes and not others. What I gather from that statement is that she is not a true sub. she is generally not happy unless she is getting her own way. It got to the point where I desired to not be her Dom because she only wanted to give the gift of control at her whim, making it very difficult for Me to work with her. she did not use her brattiness to return to a point of submission. Indeed, she physically or verbally fought any and all efforts to control her or discipline her, including running out the door, trying to put Me in the place she wanted, making accusations, saying she didn't want to play, telling Me that I was just trying to make it look like I was right, and running off to her mothers, two hours away. she is very manipulative is the term I would use for it. she wants her independence and freedom, she told Me as much. Well, she has it. She's really not pleased that I'm not answering the phone. I received another message this morning demanding that I pick up the phone as she wanted to make sure I was ok. Why on earth wouldn't I be ok? Am I somehow now incompetent? Lying in a pool of blood perhaps? I guess she still loves me as she stated, but I will call when I'm good and ready. I want to give her some time on her own just to think. I'm not sure I want her back, even if she wants to come back (which is, as far as I'm concerned, really uncertain at this point). The reason for this is very simple. The accusation she made is a very serious one as I have already said, and I do not take this lightly. Should she come back and not get her own way again, she could very easily make a similar or even more serious accusation. It is very reasonable to assume that such an accusation could send Me to jail. I do not wish to be punished for a crime I didn't even commit and a Judge will listen to the story of a woman long before he listens to the defence of a man. A pattern is emerging, as evidenced in My previous post, and that pattern is very grave indeed. The only reason I kept requesting sex is because one of O/our boundaries was sex. Asking for it was one thing, demanding it was quite another. I was satisfied with that, as Y/you are treading on dangerous ground in this matter as Y/you can now plainly see. Indeed, I don't feel that I was bottoming from the top. I hope Y/you all can understand this. Rather, I was attempting to work with in the boundaries that W/we had established, whilst walking on eggshells the entire time, wondering what was going to set her off next. she was constantly moving the goalposts to get her own way, and when I attempted to discipline her for same I was guaranteed to be greeted with a fight. I tell Y/you the truth, it was only on her time, at her whim and no other, that she would go to the bedroom to be disciplined. Otherwise she would physically move Me, either pushing Me out of the way or pulling Me down the hall. This is no exaggeration. Imagine a 200+ pound farmers girl pushing around a 150 pound man. When put in that perspective it isn't difficult to perceive the scenario. Everybody I have talked to, including on this board I see, has told Me to run away from her as fast as I can. Even if it became a strictly vanilla relationship, she has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. Mental stability is one objective that has yet to be achieved. Out of love I tried to help her with them, yet it came very close to costing Me dearly, even potentially (I'm not sure to which degree) My very freedom. This clearly cannot do. The way I see it, what this all boils down to I'll sum up in a few simple words. sub of convenience and lack of respect. It could of course just be Me she didn't respect, in which case I can accept that and even go so far as to accept that I somehow failed in My duties as a Dom. However I can promise Y/you all based upon nine months of experience, that every attempt at discipline would meet with resistance and/or a flight to her mother's place. Do I love her? Yes I do. I love her with every part of My being. When she's not depressed and in a normal or manic stage, she has the biggest heart in the world and is very passionate, and that's what attracted Me to her. There's actually several good things I can say about her and I'm going to miss them if W/we don't resolve this issue (which I seriously doubt W/we will). However, I do not feel at this point that I can afford to take another chance. The stakes are too high.

Voltare -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 1:57:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bwana55419 SirKenin, I am willing to accept that what you write is the truth as you perceive it; but if even only a portion of what you say is correct I think you should run like the wind. It just sounds like you two are a horrid match despite how much you both may be in love. If you decide to try to make it work I wish you the best. I completely disagree. It sounds like they are actually a pretty normal couple, dealing with the vanilla issues that all couples have to face no matter their BDSM interests. It seems they both clearly love each other (and have stated to this effect a few times) and really are just going through difficult times in their personal lives. A little good luck, and maybe an economical vacation to a nearby park for the day or weekend might be in order, methinks. Stephan

velvetvixen -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 3:20:23 PM)
Master crossed the line once (and only once) and it had nothing to do with a physical boundary. I didn't do anything, I didn't have to. He knew it was overboard the second after it happened and he admitted it. I believe that a Dom worth his or her proverbial salt knows when a line has been crossed, physical or otherwise, and will remedy the situation immediately.

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 3:38:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetvixen Master crossed the line once (and only once) and it had nothing to do with a physical boundary. I didn't do anything, I didn't have to. He knew it was overboard the second after it happened and he admitted it. I believe that a Dom worth his or her proverbial salt knows when a line has been crossed, physical or otherwise, and will remedy the situation immediately. I believe you to be right. When I made an error in judgement I moved quickly to remedy it each and every time, although her actions impeded such, this is certain. you will see in My posts where I have made a mistake and thus admitted same. she held it over My head and made Me pay dearly for it each time.

velvetvixen -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 3:43:02 PM)
SirKenin, I am sorry to hear that she held it over your head. For me, I try my best move on, as I know that humans will make poor decisions even at the expense of those they love and care for.

Gideon147 -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/19/2005 5:40:09 PM)
This is exactly the kind of exchange that I was hoping for. Let Me tell You a long story, if You'll permit... There was a woman with whom I was very much in love. And by her account, loved me as much in return. This was not a D/s relationship as I was accustomed, but for Me it was more like a rebuilding year. Love is blind. And even though the warning signs were there, I only saw them after-the-fact. she had two children, and was a child herself. Inside. she was always dependant upon a man or her family to get through life. I knew she had just been through a tough time before we got together, so I let her take some time off out of life at home to sort things through. Eventually she started taking classes and got a job. she dropped her classes and was not only fired from that one, but three more afterwards. Add that to the fact that she wasn't happy unless she was at a party or at the bar three to four times a week, and you have a pretty bad recipe. Throughout this time I was very slug-like-slowly trying to encourage her to be an independant person. And even the tiniest subtle attempt to do so would provoke her and we'd fight. From "Honey, could you wash the dishes tonight?" to "Sweetheart, call the auto shop today and see how much a new fanbelt for the car will be." If you could have heard some of the childish responses. And yes, when I got home, nothing was done. she showed Me that she was very selfish, very greedy, and was not interested in taking care of herself, much less another. She was in a downward spiral that was taking me with her. Her issues became our issues. Self-destruction, dependancy, jealousy, provocation; the life I was trying to rebuild for Myself was beginning to fall apart. And when I decided that this wasn't healthy for me, that I didn't want to live my life that way, I had to stop it. I knew then what it feels like to have a heart break. In My chest it felt like someone had just crushed My heart then and there when I uttered the words "You have to leave. You have to leave tonight, right now. Come and get your things tomorrow, they will be packed." Since then My life has never been better. I can make the decisions and live it the way that I feel is right. I am very comfortable, and happy. It sounds like there are some red flags showing up in Your life, SirKenin. If the road ahead looks like the picture I've just drawn for You, I encourage You to use caution and be prepared to make that hard decision. I don't believe that there is only one match per Pperson. I feel that some relationships will work, and some won't, despite the effort. Listen and understand that if things can work out, and You sound like an intelligent enough of a Man to know it, then Yyou are Bboth responsible for making that happen. I know many submissives that would enjoy having a responsible Dom in their life to live as You have described. Just as an example, I have found a new love, and in the same woman and old love. Wwe are very happy, and though the geography is an obstacle, Wwe speak three times a day, and e-mail constantly. The plans in My life are the same despite her, but with a severe twist of irony...the road leads to her doorstep. I had always planned to live there, it's just all the better plan that she's there waiting for Me to do just that. I'm sorry if that was a little dull, but if I didn't have a genuine concern for You and yours, know that I wouldn't have written anything. All My best, Gideon

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/20/2005 4:48:30 PM)
Thank you Gideon for that very insightful, thought provoking material. Truly I can see the warning flags popup. I love her unconditionally, yet at the same time felt that the problems, that every relationship has to some degree or other) would smooth themselves out in time as W/we achieved O/our objectives. Sadly, how wrong I was. One problem was resolved only to be confronted by another with the consistent undertones of brattiness and instability. However in fairness to My pet for the most part, when W/we weren't wading through all it's trials and tribulations, it was the best vanilla relationship I had ever had. I think what frustrates Me is that I loved her more than I loved My wife of ten years. If only I had put a fraction of the effort into My marriage as I did into this relationship, there is very good chance (apart from the fact that I'm controlling by nature) that I would still be married to this day. Alas, it was to no avail. Everything I fought for, every obstacle W/we faced, every little hiccup W/we endured was for naught. Indeed, My reward for the treatment I gave her, for all I provided her, for every rose and every ounce of My being, the constant lavishing of attention, the wisdom, was merely being falsely accused of a vicious act with insidious consequences, held accountable for a simple error in financial judgement and having My good name dragged through the mud. It hardly seems like a fair deal to Me. she's called Me a couple more times today, only to have to leave a message on the answering machine. The neighbor has also tried presumably once more on her behalf. I'm not quite sure what to make out of this sense of urgency, but I need time to Myself. Sure, I bounce back very quickly but to do that I need to hibernate and ponder I concur with your assessment that maybe it's time to move on. Often the right thing to do is also the hardest. I'll miss her. she has so many endearing qualities. However the bad has finally come to outweigh the good. Unless substantial ground is covered between U/us, this, then, is the end.

DasHunter -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/22/2005 6:18:41 PM)
#1 you need to set HARD limits. These hard limits are to be broken under NO circumstances. If a dom/master is willing to break limits, he has no respect for you and no respect for the practice of bdsm - simple as that. #2 set soft limits than can be pushed, giving the dom/master a chance to explore something you haven't done/are nervous about giving him a sense of thrill, and you a sense of deepened submission. This is a WILLING practice, those things that you find unacceptable are simply that...you need to open the doors of communication and let YOUR needs be known as well as his.

perverseangelic -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (2/22/2005 7:25:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DasHunter #1 you need to set HARD limits. These hard limits are to be broken under NO circumstances. If a dom/master is willing to break limits, he has no respect for you and no respect for the practice of bdsm - simple as that. #2 set soft limits than can be pushed, giving the dom/master a chance to explore something you haven't done/are nervous about giving him a sense of thrill, and you a sense of deepened submission. This is a WILLING practice, those things that you find unacceptable are simply that...you need to open the doors of communication and let YOUR needs be known as well as his. I think this is the best and most insightful explanation of hard and soft limits I've ever read. Would you mind if I copy it (with credit) into my exploration journal and share it with my partners?

CuteNSassy -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 5:52:17 AM)
Yes i have my problem, i never said i didn't... But the little things you did, brought back old memorys that i thought i delt with... i guess i didn't... i know i can be a brat, and if that what you call Toping from the bottom, i guess i did... I never knew the name for it... Yes I did call you alot, because i love you, and needed to know that you were o'k... No i NEVER ask Christy to call you... i know i ran, but i didn't know how to tell you what you were doing was hurting me, i love you and never met to hurt you... i am very sorry... Cute[:o]

ProtagonistLily -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 5:55:09 AM)
quote: Yes i have my problem, i never said i didn't... But the little things you did, brought back old memorys that i thought i delt with... i guess i didn't... i know i can be a brat, and if that what you call Toping from the bottom, i guess i did... I never knew the name for it... Yes I did call you alot, because i love you, and needed to know that you were o'k... No i NEVER ask Christy to call you... i know i ran, but i didn't know how to tell you what you were doing was hurting me, i love you and never met to hurt you... i am very sorry... Cute Out of curiosity...who is the You that's being referred to in this post? I'm trying to figure out what this is a response to. Thanks, Lily

CuteNSassy -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:02:41 AM)
The you would be SirKenin....

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:05:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily Out of curiosity...who is the You that's being referred to in this post? <whisper> "You" is SirKenin. Pass the popcorn. </whisper> Taggard

tomtom1877 -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:32:20 AM)
Man, half of me is very sad. The other half is screaming.... "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry..." There are more issues here than I have fingers to type with. SirKenin, I know what it's like to be addicted to loving one who is not good for you. I have been there. You are there now. It is a very dangerous place. Moving on with your life is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But, that is my 2-cents worth.....leave this behind, walk away, and do not look back.

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:50:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty quote: ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily Out of curiosity...who is the You that's being referred to in this post? <whisper> "You" is SirKenin. Pass the popcorn. </whisper> Taggard Heh. No popcorn required (I hope). I certainly don't want to get into that and I'm quite certain neither does pet. W/we have actually had a good talk the past couple of days and resolved a few things.

sweetpleaser -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:52:45 AM)
Cute: This may be personal, but you and Sir brought it out into the open so I suppose it is fair game. I see you just posted today, does that mean you haven't talked with each other in 2 weeks? If he is refusing to talk to you he may have had enough. You've pushed him too far. Your best bet is to get your life together, be independent, and in time he may trust you again. I assume he is a lawyer? By accusing him of forcing himself on you could ruin his career. That is very, very serious. He didn't spend all that time and money in school to have it go down the drain because you have some issues. He obviously loves you very much but there is only so much a man can take. Another thing I would suggest, since you asked, is to leave BDSM out of the rebuilding of your relationship because it is only an obstacle at this point. Don't play until you have a stable relationship again, then do like the others have said, set up definite limits and you both stick to them. If you have to write up a contract, do it. (There was a great link around here somewhere regarding contracts and Taggard is a great authority on the subject). I wish you both luck. PS: I was posting this as SirKenin was--good to hear you have talked.[:)]

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 6:54:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tomtom1877 Man, half of me is very sad. The other half is screaming.... "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry..." There are more issues here than I have fingers to type with. SirKenin, I know what it's like to be addicted to loving one who is not good for you. I have been there. You are there now. It is a very dangerous place. Moving on with your life is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But, that is my 2-cents worth.....leave this behind, walk away, and do not look back. lol. Jerry eh? No Jerry here I hope. Although it's sad that You had to go through the same thing, it's also strangely comforting that I'm not the only one. I have moved on and have been quite taken by someone new. We'll see where this leads, but I feel comfortable walking this path.

SirKenin -> RE: When a Sir Crosses the Boundaries (3/3/2005 2:48:04 PM)
Yes, W/we have talked and certainly as this has been brought out into the open it is fair game. I have told her I have forgiven her several times. As You forgive, so shall You be forgiven. As You do unto O/others, so it shall be done unto You. I didn't address her post here to avoid the soap opera, but I have given her very clear directions on where she is to go from here. Although she will no longer be My common law partner, she will remain as My pet until such time as W/we decide to dissolve the arrangement. I believe that is My duty to remain her Sir until such time as she can get back on her feet or the arrangement must be dissolved for logistical reasons. It's interesting you pegged Me as a lawyer. I'm not a lawyer actually, although I do have extensive experience with the Superior Court - Family Division as well as plenty of experience with matters involving the Ontario Highway Traffic Act and limited experience with the Small Claims Court. I also assist people with other legal matters of varying nature as they arise. In actuality, My stated profession is owning My own incorporated business operating as a computer technician and VAR. Regardless, a (false) claim of this nature can still damage My reputation and make it difficult or worse to operate a business of any sort in My community. you're absolutely right.

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