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Looking for some help.... - 12/1/2006 4:50:10 PM   
qilnos


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline
This is basicly the same post from the Introduce yourself board, so please bear with me...

I  come to this board with hopes of finding some answers... I am at a difficult point in my life and I am looking for some thoughts from folks who are in the lifestyle...

So without further ado....

A short time ago, this year actually , my brother killed himself....

As you can imagine this pretty much fucked my world up....

Then succession, me and my wife started rolling downhill.....

This is where my life gets interesting........

A long time friend stayed up with me one night bullshiting on the phone...

We talked about everything imaginable.... We stumbled on to this subject... She is a sub, and apparently she has had an ilkling from day one that I am a dominant..

After reading lots of books and websites it seemed to click, like this is what I am missing in my life....

I know my wife will never understand, but I dont know if this is really something I crave, or something I am grabbing at to make my life spin back under my control....


My friend and I have, for lack of a better word, played at this lifestyle....

It seems to feel right, like putting on an old jacket....


I recently stopped our "relationship" because it isnt fair, on her, on me, or anyone else for that matter....

I hate to say it but, I feel kinda like a junkie, for lack of a better word,  as of late... Like I am trying to go cold turkey on something I have been doing for years... When in reality its only been a short while....


So basicly thats why I am here.....

I am at this moment, rudderless, and I would appreciate a gust of wind in the proper direction.....

Thank you for your time....
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/1/2006 4:56:47 PM   
qilnos


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline
If there is another forum this is more suitable for, by all means please direct me to it...


Thanks..

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/1/2006 5:24:03 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
Firstly, I'm glad you stopped the relationship. You're friend isnt much of a friend to provide herself to you at a really vulnerable time in your life.She shoulda been directing yourself to a therapist instead of towards her ass and cunt.

Anyways kudos to you for putting a stop to it.

Death can effect us in many ways, I don't really know what to say ..you need time to heal.



_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/1/2006 5:46:46 PM   
xBullx


Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
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Tal Quilnos,

I have to say this is one you don’t expect to read when you sign on. I am going to tell you this. There are some very deep and very intelligent people here that will surely write a response to your thread. The suggestion about therapy is very good if you’re struggling in any way with a loss like yours. Most all men and women dominants here will tell you one thing. You must first master yourself in order to master another. And though you may have a natural dominance within you, to take control of another for any duration of time should be with a clear and open mind. I will tell you that I have explored many sides of the M/s lifestyles. I have done tons of soul searching and without having anything close to the kind of loss you must be facing it was neither a fast or easy process to come to terms with the man I am. So don’t rush yourself. Enjoy your present life for what it is as you explore this undiscovered side of yourself. I would say start by doing exactly what your doing here study the experiences others describe here in forums, in any forums, interact, meet likeminded people that are just suited for discussion without to many ulterior motives. Take some time to get to know yourself and the man you now feeling yourself to be. When you have conquered yourself you may discover that the sub/slave you want is already in your house.

Live well, and I wish you peace,

Bull

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 5:28:09 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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I would suggest allowing yourself time to grieve for your brother and also see whether the relationship difficulties with your wife are able to be resolved in some way before you add another complexity to your life.  I am not saying that pursuing your interest in  bdsm is going to be problematic however I feel there is a likelihood that it will add questions rather than provide you with answers. 

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 5:41:56 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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I am sorry for your loss qilnos. Unfortnately life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs. It will get better over time.

I think the best advice I could offer is to just go slow, take your time and make sure that this is what you want. It could be that BDSM is offering you an escape from your problems/unhappiness or it could be a real part of who you are. That is something only YOU can determine for yourself.

I take it that your wife doesn't know about this other woman? The temptation is going to be there to see her. If that is the case be careful and tell your wife. She is still a human being and deserves to be treated with respect. Don't cheat on her, that is a very painful thing for anyone to have to find out and deal with. At least be up front with her if you decide to continue this relationship outside of the marriage , then it is up to her to decide if she wants to stay or go.

Anyway if you determine that this is the lifestyle for you and its who you are, then proceed. But just make sure you tell your Wife about it.

Good luck,
~Lashra

< Message edited by Lashra -- 12/2/2006 5:44:13 AM >


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 6:52:25 AM   
gretchenS


Posts: 237
Joined: 8/19/2006
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As I replied in a similar thread a couple of months ago...How do you know for sure that your wife isn't a submissive, if you didn't talk to her first off when you realized you were a dominant?

You said your relationship with her is not as good as it used to be. Maybe you need to comunicate your desires and listen to hers before jumping into the lifestyle. If she finds out, it will destroy your marriage, and I don't think that's what you want.

Good luck.


Edited to say: in reply to the OP...


< Message edited by gretchenS -- 12/2/2006 6:53:35 AM >

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 8:53:24 AM   
darksdesire


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Joined: 10/18/2006
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qilnos

first, my heart goes out to you..  Suicide adds so many more complicated feelings to an already painful loss.  i think xBullx's advice was right on the mark.  You can't learn to master until you've mastered yourself.  When you are in the midst of dealing with grief, there is very little room for anything else.

The risk is using D/s as an escape from your pain and anguish.  D/s is something that can create intense feelings, and that can distract you from what you are going through.  i think it's important  that you first walk through  this loss before deciding if D/s is something that truly fits you and your needs.  Watch, read, learn and heal.  Then decide. 

i wish you much luck

(in reply to gretchenS)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 10:50:50 AM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: qilnos
{...}she has had an ilkling from day one that I am a dominant..

After reading lots of books and websites it seemed to click, like this is what I am missing in my life....

Oh, do please tell me that you've still got those books and bookmarks - my advice will be to put them to good use.

quote:

I know my wife will never understand, but I dont know if this is really something I crave, or something I am grabbing at to make my life spin back under my control....

Sometimes, I'm in a contemplative mood, and I wonder why I'm so fond of control games in my interpersonal romantic and sexual relationships.  Sometimes, I simply accept that this is what I like, and leave the wondering why out of it.

After all, I never examined the why of my enjoying pepperoni on pizza.  I just know that I do, so I order pizza with pepperoni - no angst or self-examination as to why, or concern that this fondness for pepperoni is masking my issues with sausage.

If it sings to you, it sings to you - and it doesn't really matter why, does it?

quote:

I hate to say it but, I feel kinda like a junkie, for lack of a better word,  as of late... Like I am trying to go cold turkey on something I have been doing for years... When in reality its only been a short while....

Been there, done that.  Had the same 'cold turkey' feeling years later, after a long time of doing it.  It sucks - you have my sympathy.

quote:

I am at this moment, rudderless, and I would appreciate a gust of wind in the proper direction.....

I dunno if this wind will be in the proper direction, but I can be a  blowhard with the best of 'em.

Forget the side issues we can't do anything about.  My sympathies on the loss of your brother, and kudos for putting a halt to a situation that was likely to add to your troubles - but that's all yesterday, and there's not a damn thing we can do to change it.

What we do have is a fondness for BDSM and a wife with whom we're not practicing BDSM, in a marriage that's apparently being less than joyous for either of you.

So, do what you'd do with a newfound enthusiasm for gardening, RC models, golf, or bingo - tell your wife, and see if she's got any interest. 

I've got a fondness for traveling among the stars with the likes of Lazarus Long, Friday, Jubal Harshaw, and Professor De La Paz - this interest having been shared with some friends and partners, and known to all who know me well.  Not everybody shares this interest, but everyone knows about it.  So should you let your wife know about this interest.  Even if she doesn't share it - she should know.

It doesn't have to be dumped whole in her lap, mind you - even with a long-time, experienced sub I don't go from 0 to 60 in 9.2 seconds.    The essence of success for beginners is to take small little baby steps, slowly - though that's often hard to remember when you've got that heady feeling of 'rightness' in the middle of a scene.

Here are some things I have done to explore this interest, with folks who had never expressed an interest in BDSM before (come to think of it, back then, I'd never heard of BDSM) -

Rent a copy of_'The Story of O_ - the good one, released in 1975 - with Corinne Clery as O.  I went to see this in the late 70s with a girlfriend with whom I'd never been kinky - and got raped by her in a park on the way home.  If it triggers your wife's buttons - there's a clue.

Hold her wrists while you're having sex - not so tightly as to hurt, or so she can't get away - just so as to give the illusion of bondage.  See how she reacts - that'll be another clue.

Show her one of those beginner books, or a good, informative web site - see what she thinks of this.

Play a game - backgammon, rummy, whatever (I used cribbage, come to think of it) - with the winner getting 15 minutes of slave-time from the loser.  You may lose - and it's good to know what it feels like from that end of things.  You may win - keep it light and fun for her.

At the end of the day, you'll still have your brother's death to deal with, and the things that are causing problems in your marriage.  You'll have had a great afternoon, though, and that can make the less-fun things easier to survive.  And that is often a great help in dealing with life's downers that we can't do anything to cure.

I know, locally, 2 couples who swear that BDSM saved their marriage.  I know another couple who claim that it revitalized their marriage.

Stranger things have happened.

Midnight Writer


_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 12:59:22 PM   
dskittyn22


Posts: 29
Joined: 11/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emdoub

quote:

I know my wife will never understand, but I dont know if this is really something I crave, or something I am grabbing at to make my life spin back under my control....

Sometimes, I'm in a contemplative mood, and I wonder why I'm so fond of control games in my interpersonal romantic and sexual relationships.  Sometimes, I simply accept that this is what I like, and leave the wondering why out of it.

After all, I never examined the why of my enjoying pepperoni on pizza.  I just know that I do, so I order pizza with pepperoni - no angst or self-examination as to why, or concern that this fondness for pepperoni is masking my issues with sausage.

If it sings to you, it sings to you - and it doesn't really matter why, does it?



How apt. Nice analogy.


_____________________________

I do it for the joy it brings, 'cause I am a joyful girl, 'cause the world owes me nothing, we owe eachother the world, - Ani DiFranco

(in reply to emdoub)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 2:57:24 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
At the core, this isn't about kink or the lifestyle. This has to do with your happiness and grief. With grief, especially with suicide, I totally recommend a qualified counselor.

As for the rest, you're simply looking for someone to tell you what you already know. You want to hear how to find happiness. In the end, we can't tell you. However, I suggest thinking about this:

What are you willing to "sell" in order to maintain the relationship with your wife? What are you willing to "sell" to maintain the relationship with your sub? With your wife, it sounds like you might have to barter your sense of who you might really be. Only you can decide is that is what the issue really is and if you're willing to do that. Some are. Some are not. Both are valid choices...and neither has to be for all time.

In relation to you wife, you say that she'd never approve. How do you know if you haven't discussed it with her? You could possibly be projecting your own fears about being accepted...and perhaps you are struggling with accepting yourself, too. I'd try and give her a chance before you decided it was all not worth it.

But again, do consult a therapist about the suicide. Your unhappiness could be very much related to your grief cycle.

I hope this helps. I also had a suicide in my life, coupled with attempted murder, too. I'm still working on that one. *hugs*

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/2/2006 3:03:16 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
Mate, you really orta start with tha missus!
 
If you're a Dom, you always were - longggg before you were aware of it.  And the fact is that we are attracted to certain people (or types of people) for a reason - and often reasons that we're not actually aware of.  For eg, I've never been attracted to "bossy", assertive women and that was decades before I knew of BDSM.  All my past nilla g/f's preferred a man to take charge - to be "real men" even....
 
BDSM or not, you also married your wife for a reason; or several - and she married you....  She deserves some honesty at least; and she might also surprise you!  And if she does have submissive leanings, I can understand that, in a vanilla context, she'd be shy about being the first to broach the subject.
 
Doms lead and subs look to them to lead....
 
Focus.

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/3/2006 1:09:17 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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I appreciate your situation, qilnos, and I agree with Focus.

Start slowly. Perhaps blindfold her once, tell her it's her treat and that if she dares to move, you'll tie her up.

Or drip white candle wax (not colored wax) on her breasts.

Or tease her into a spanking.

My girlfriend told me of a case in which a guy spent 2 years seducing his wife, but both felt it was worth it. I hope it takes a lot less, and you never know... perhaps she has complementary feelings, particularly if she's into romance novels.

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/3/2006 12:37:34 PM   
qilnos


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline
Wow I am amazed at the out pour of advice...

I have told my wife about this interest.. She responded with "Oh thats cool I guess.."

Which didnt help me to have an outlet for this feeling I have...

I still have those bookmarks and those books, unfortunatly I am not sure she would read them... I, to be honest, would expect her to blow me off about it...

I dont know how she will react to the suggestions your fine folks have made... We seem to have more than normal problems communicating on things, and I am sure this topic will be more difficult than normal....

As for the relationship with my friend, I dont know what to do... She is my friend first, but I get around her and I get the jitters.. How do I keep the friendship, and some how lessin the "junkie feeling"...

Which brings up another question all together... Is this feeling I have about being a Dom, real or is it just her... Basicly am I actually a Dom ?? Or is it just something else all together ??  Or is it just I know domiant personalities exict her and I am being that way on purpose ?


I sound like a nut case here, lol....


As for the "sacrifice" question....

For my wife and son I would do anything, if I have to bury this part of me then I will... Lots of people say they would do anything for there family but, they may not always mean it... I would like to think that I do, lol since I know what its like to have your family taken away...

I have lost my father,my brother, and my mother... I refuse to lose my wife and my son.... There is nothing in Heaven, Hell or anything in between that will take them from me...


I have to stop writing now... I am starting to rant and I am loosing focus of the original topic of this reply...
I will answer what questions I missed in a short time...


I want to thank all the folks who responded...
I appreciate you all taking the time to help someone who, chances are you will never meet....


Thank You....

(in reply to Petruchio)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/3/2006 2:29:38 PM   
desoutter


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline
Suggestion - put the old jacket in the closet for a bit - seek some emotional help and support by professionals....

the lifestyle is'nt going anywhere... you need to steer your ship straight if youre in it though so take care of yourself... your life... and your well being... then come on back... we'll be here to get you going...
desoutter






_____________________________

When the going gets weird... the weird turn pro.

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/3/2006 7:24:20 PM   
MistressMoxie


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: qilnos


As for the relationship with my friend, I dont know what to do... She is my friend first, but I get around her and I get the jitters.. How do I keep the friendship, and some how lessin the "junkie feeling"...

Which brings up another question all together... Is this feeling I have about being a Dom, real or is it just her... (...)  Or is it just I know domiant personalities exict(excite?) her and I am being that way on purpose ?
...

I refuse to lose my wife ....




If You were so passionate about not losing Your wife, why were You having a "relationship" with Your friend?

Does Your wife know of the "relationship" with Your friend? And if she does, how does she feel about You staying friends with her?

As far as if You're justt doing this because it excites Your friend... You have to ask Yourself if You liked it too. You said that it felt right, like putting on an old jacket. did You mean being dominant, or being with Your friend? Does the idea of dominating Your wife appeal to you, or is is just the idea of dominating Your friend?

If it's the former, you might have a chance of saving Your relationship with Your wife. If it's the latter, You need to be really thinking about why You're still even trying to be friends with the woman that could potentially screw up the thing that "nothing in Heaven, Hell or anything in between" could part you from.

How has Your wife been since Your brother passed? Was it just after that, that Your relationship started to go downhill, or were there problems before?

(I'm sorry this is so long, but my vanilla ex-husband did almost the same thing to me. Only he didn't have any qualms about having his girl on the side for several years, before I caught him, and then he left, because I made him. But we weren't happy before, and faught all the time. His reasoning was that after his father died, I wasn't there enough for him ,and his girl was.)

 So, this thread really struck a chord with me. I hope You can get Your priorites figured out. I think the most likely thing is if You are a Dom, and it's not just You wanting to be with Your frined, then You should tell Your wife that, because it'll be hard for You to be happy otherwise. If it's the other way around, You should tell her that too, and break it off, before You spend all Your time sneaking around with Your friend.

Best of luck,

~~Mistress Moxie~~

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/4/2006 7:39:26 AM   
qilnos


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMoxie

quote:

ORIGINAL: qilnos


As for the relationship with my friend, I dont know what to do... She is my friend first, but I get around her and I get the jitters.. How do I keep the friendship, and some how lessin the "junkie feeling"...

Which brings up another question all together... Is this feeling I have about being a Dom, real or is it just her... (...)  Or is it just I know domiant personalities exict(excite?) her and I am being that way on purpose ?
...

I refuse to lose my wife ....




If You were so passionate about not losing Your wife, why were You having a "relationship" with Your friend?

Does Your wife know of the "relationship" with Your friend? And if she does, how does she feel about You staying friends with her?

As far as if You're justt doing this because it excites Your friend... You have to ask Yourself if You liked it too. You said that it felt right, like putting on an old jacket. did You mean being dominant, or being with Your friend? Does the idea of dominating Your wife appeal to you, or is is just the idea of dominating Your friend?

If it's the former, you might have a chance of saving Your relationship with Your wife. If it's the latter, You need to be really thinking about why You're still even trying to be friends with the woman that could potentially screw up the thing that "nothing in Heaven, Hell or anything in between" could part you from.

How has Your wife been since Your brother passed? Was it just after that, that Your relationship started to go downhill, or were there problems before?

(I'm sorry this is so long, but my vanilla ex-husband did almost the same thing to me. Only he didn't have any qualms about having his girl on the side for several years, before I caught him, and then he left, because I made him. But we weren't happy before, and faught all the time. His reasoning was that after his father died, I wasn't there enough for him ,and his girl was.)

 So, this thread really struck a chord with me. I hope You can get Your priorites figured out. I think the most likely thing is if You are a Dom, and it's not just You wanting to be with Your frined, then You should tell Your wife that, because it'll be hard for You to be happy otherwise. If it's the other way around, You should tell her that too, and break it off, before You spend all Your time sneaking around with Your friend.

Best of luck,

~~Mistress Moxie~~



The idea of dominating my wide does appeal to me... Very strongly in fact..

As for the question of problems on the front, yeah we have had some problems throughout everything, even before this happened... We always stubbornly held on though...

Just seems like i need to pull my head out of the sand..



(in reply to MistressMoxie)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/4/2006 5:43:32 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline
It sounds like your world is on a roller coster and you need to find brakes before you move on. Take everything slowly at first, regain control over yourself and once that is said and done then start exploring this life.  I was forced to look at myself in a very similar fashion to you so I can understand all the confusion and doubt that is probably going on. Just remember that you were a dominant when you met your wife and that you will continue to be, it isn't something that we choose to be. As far as introducing your wife into it, just take it slowly. Blindfolds, handcuffs and other erotic/light play to start and see how she warms up to the actual play but also become more assertive in everyday life. Slowly make more and more decisions around the house on your own, maybe call her up at work and tell her exactly what to cook for dinner and what to wear for you. It isn't the actions in D/s that really matter but the significance behind them.

(in reply to qilnos)
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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/5/2006 10:19:46 AM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
Slow everything down dont think you have to put yourself in some kind of slot or role get counseling help of pull your mutual family friends together so to speak and get your wife into kink! Its not as hard to get someone into it as you think you just have to know how to talk to her or introduce her to a little kink then she will start asking questions.

(in reply to shadevarr)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/5/2006 11:48:09 AM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shadevarr
As far as introducing your wife into it, just take it slowly. Blindfolds, handcuffs and other erotic/light play to start and see how she warms up to the actual play but also become more assertive in everyday life. Slowly make more and more decisions around the house on your own, maybe call her up at work and tell her exactly what to cook for dinner and what to wear for you. It isn't the actions in D/s that really matter but the significance behind them.


Even though I'm a sub and in this lifestyle, I can honestly say I agree with shadevarr.  Do it slowly, but smart. Calculate each move of dominance. She will not really realise what your doing at first, because she's not really aware of what being a submissive really is or does for her Master. 
 
I also agree with Focus...I have always been attracted to Dominate men and since I'm also bisexual, Dominate woman that have weak spots in there character.  Yet, I can only respond in a submissive manor with Dominate man (because they are MEN, real MEN) but the attraction is there. 
 
Counseling would be good to address the death in your family, but Bdsm will have to come from a whole other part of you and your studies about the lifestyle.  I think it's extremely positive that you can still WANT your wife.  The desire is still there for you.  Remember her response was out of fear and her being maybe afraid of the 'good girl/ bad girl' syndrome.  My recommendation because I'm a sub is to not wait for her to agree, Do it.  Do things daily, slowly, methodically.  When you make love introduce Bdsm as others have advised.  Maybe if you do certain things slowly, you will start to see the change or pleasure within her to please you.  Speak to her sternly a little at a time.  Somewhat jokingly (to ease her into it) give her orders but what they really are are assignments you want her to complete to make her a better sub for you and make her a better person from the lesson you have given. 
 
One post mentioned that it took 2 yrs of courting within the M/s or D/s realm to get his wife into the lifestyle. I think that's so awesome that he felt his wife was worth his time and effort!  Slowly Bdsm can turn a relationship around as one post stated.  Man what a turn around if done right and slowly for the both of you.  Continue posting, reading and be sure to search for reading materials within the message boards.  You will eventually find out who you really are (meaning the type of Master/ Daddy/ Switch etc) and in that you can help your wife find herself easier too.  Remember, sometimes something new is scary.  Guide her slowly!!!  Remember she said "Oh thats cool, I guess.." NOT "Oh my God, get out your freeking weirdo!

 
Good luck! 

(in reply to shadevarr)
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