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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 3:17:33 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%


If ever there was a reason to never marry again.  (although I highly doubt I will ever be tempted to marry again).




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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 5:16:58 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I have been on this site for a relatively a short time....I like my vanilla cone although I truly am not sure whether it applies or not. Nontheless, I get rather astonished by the attitude of so many as if there is a particuliar "sexual moral code" that should be followed.

I sought out this site considering it a backasswards way of finding a potential partner.  In that I am placing sexual preferences first forward and hoping that we can connect the remaining dots from there.

I am not in my early twenties but I live in a neighborhood where they flock like flies.  For the majority of these people random hook-ups are the norm and not the exception...as we grow older and mature we hopefully seek out more than the random bang.

We are participating on a site where routinely you hear of sexual activity that runs the gamut....it's all accepted because no one comes supposedly out here to be the judge or be judged.  There are aspects of this site that I personally find to say the least disturbing...I will try to refrain in the future from making judgements and to keep an answer I give on point to the question asked or will avoid the thread altogether....maybe other's might want to consider this approach...I have criticized in the past, but to what gain? Point out another's percieved flaws...make yourself feel better?

Out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

(in reply to akisha)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 5:42:40 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Sometimes mistakes are made. We all screw up sometimes.


Me?  I screw up???  Nevah!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 8:34:13 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I am always aghast at how often I see the masses telling someone to leave a relationship after reading only a paragraph about it.  Such responses always seem reckless to me.

I, on the other hand, have read tons of paragraphs about your relationship and definitely thing you need to leave it...or at least come see me about it.



Really?  You think I need to leave the best thing in my life, and the place I have been striving to be - because it doesn't fit into your paradigm?  How odd.  I find that rather insulting.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 8:49:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Really?  You think I need to leave the best thing in my life, and the place I have been striving to be - because it doesn't fit into your paradigm?  How odd.  I find that rather insulting.

Sorry Owned, I thought you'd see I was teasing and making a blatant facetious attempt to seduce you.

Unless THIS post of yours is ALSO written tongue in cheek, in which case I'd now feel rather foolish.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 8:59:03 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		fr:

Yes, I think that sometimes assumptions are made to some extent based up the context etc.  I think giving people extreme advice or telling them they need to get out of a relationship or whathaveyou is a bit over the top. Its overreactive.  I think it would help to first ask the OP some questions to help narrow it down to some extent.  But there is only so much a fellow poster can do with it. You have a certain amount of info given, then you have a question asking for advice.  
Its almost like some of them are writing to "Dear Abby" and it has to be viewed that way, they need to take it all with a grain of salt, consider all the viewpoints and maybe make some clarifications if it seems that a poster has jumped to conclusions. 
What bothers me most is that alot of people here take the time to  make a sincere effort to help the person(even if they're not dead-on with their advice) and often the OP never even comes back.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 9:12:27 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Really?  You think I need to leave the best thing in my life, and the place I have been striving to be - because it doesn't fit into your paradigm?  How odd.  I find that rather insulting.

Sorry Owned, I thought you'd see I was teasing and making a blatant facetious attempt to seduce you.

Unless THIS post of yours is ALSO written tongue in cheek, in which case I'd now feel rather foolish.

WOW, no I am really off kilter lately.  I thought you were serious.  I'm glad you clarified!!  So it's just me feeling silly now

But hey, let's talk about that seduction....heh...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 10:32:33 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Am i the only one who noticed the irony of the misunderstanding between LA and owned?  A perfect example of how posts can appear differently than intended. Ironic timing is everything...

Master's dorei

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/7/2006 11:03:33 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Oooh that's good...a mistake inside a mistake thread! 

If only all mistakes could be cleared up so easily.  I guess this also shows the importance of communication and expressing what you feel.

Still, I'm waiting for that seduction...heh.

(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 3:41:51 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Damn it Erin i thought this was about chicken little!
 
Sometimes it is true those answers are over used but sometimes that red flag is so big i wonder how the individual posting does not see it.
 
Then there is the question; " How much are you willing top put up with or compromise on when everything else is right?"

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 4:30:26 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well yes. Everyone makes mistakes. O f course every situation is different, and when people talk of problems here one only is getting half the sotry sometimes (and there are two sides to every one, I believe) but - I think it also can help keep this kind of thing from happening sometimes, if folks make it a point to find out whether the other person (and themselves) have some (or all) of the same relationship goals, as in: Are they looking for casual play? Are they Poly or Monogamous? Do they want to get more than surfacely emotionally involved with someone and have a long-term relationship, or not?

I know it might  seem weird to hone in on this one aspect as a possible major crux of some realtionship problems I've read on the CM boards, but - people not bothering to really find this out, at the beginning of a "relationship", is something I've seen more than a few times on the CM boards. Or st least, I think I've seen some indications that whoever was writing hadn't bothered to ask about this kind of thing(or felt they'd been mis-led by the other person about this 'facet of their union', somehow).

So I am convinced there are people who, for whatever reason(s), don't really ask these questions (or answer them), or know what they want  - and I think that's the reason, sometimes, that some may get hurt, or inadvertently (perhaps) hurt someone else. I realize it's all a "discovery process" and probably not intentional, and to each his/her own, and that relationships "evolve", etc. but attempting to find these things out from someone else, at some point, just makes sense to me, personally.

I tend to have a long fuse if I have had a feeling until that point (a "screw up") with someone, that I could trust them, and have felt they have my best interests at heart, or feel that they  just didn't know any better about something that hurt or scared me in a not good way, for instance -  and I hope for that kind of benefit of the doubt from them, in return.

But - I think we need to define the term "screw up" because I think it's going to be different for everyone.

Personally, if something happens that is 1) Sudden, and which also makes me feel 2) Totally betrayed or terrified that I 3) Wasn't expecting that 4) Wasn't "within our discussed negotiations" (like physical abuse that is un-called for), or else - if the person just keeps doing the same kinds of things that make it clear they don't care about my feelings at all, over a period of time, I know that I tend to feel my soul just withering, and just want to get away from all of that, and dive under the covers and cry a lot.

Then (eventually) I predict I'd leave. But - I am not one to (normally) just "throw in the towel" over something that can be discussed or worked on (or at least if people will try to work on it). I woudn't classify myself as "co-dependent" (really). Isn't that (being willing to talk things over) what caring for someone sometimes all about? Except I have already decided I draw a hard line re: Some things. Especially non-consensual things.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/8/2006 5:31:24 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 5:32:08 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		This is a good topic, Mistoferin, I think. I know it might seem weird to hone in this one aspect of people's "unions" - whether people bother to find out whether the person they are with is really looking for the same (general) relationship "style" as themselves (as mentioned above), but I've seen it often as the crux of a relationship "issue" mentioned on the CM boards. Or at least, indications that one person either hadn't bothered to ask about this kind of thing, or felt they'd been mis-led about it by the other person, somehow.

I guess I can sort of understand it, and feel for anyone going through relationship woes, but it does seem like basic info to find out about someone.  

I realize people are all different, but personally, I may not know exactly what I want, all the time, but I definitely know what I am attracted to as far as other people are concerned, and while crediting myself with being open-minded, and realizing relationships "evolve" and people "grow', etc. - when I see this happen, it always makes me wonder if they talked to eachother much about what seems to be pretty basic. If one person is Poly and the other is not - that's basic "deal-breaker" material (to me anyway). Maybe not discussing "deal-breakers" in general could be a reason for these difficulties? I am sure the reasons for break-ups and problems vary, but that's one thought of mine (and I am by no means an "expert", he).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/8/2006 5:51:41 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 5:41:32 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Everyone makes mistakes. Some are forgivable some are not. I do see that most tell people to cut their losses and run. It is probably due to the lack of infor we get from the OP sometimes. In our society nowadays we tend not to work through things but just run.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 5:50:09 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I agree Susan....I think that most people could be saved from a lot of heartache if they had taken the time in the beginning to really find out if the person they are involved with was a viable partner in the first place. I think that most of what happens is that people get too fast into relationships based on physical attractions, availability, frenzy, hormones....all the WRONG reasons....only to find out a bit farther down the road that they are having issues. Well, the real "issue" is that they were never a match in the first place but they moved faster than it took for that realization to come to them. Then they get caught up in this weird "give it all I've got, save face, don't fail and make it work" thing that in reality is just futile.

Sometimes it's pretty easy for those of us on the outside looking in to see that...and yes, I think that is where alot of our responses to them come from. Maybe it's just so commonplace that we forget that each situation is different?

It struck me yesterday though when a new poster came on and asked a question and had about 10 responses in two minutes. Some were asking questions that would lead to further info....others responded off the cuff with the "run away, get out" stuff.



_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 6:15:05 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think sometimes people have a kink for public humiliation and don't even realize it.  Why else would they continue to post stupid threads?  It amazes me, then I sit back and have a good laugh.  It's hard for me to believe that people who are adults got through their lives (so far) being so stupid.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 8:34:59 AM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin


Does the answer so often have to be Run or Leave?

I agree that there ARE times when those ARE the appropriate answers....but do you think that we sometimes rush to them and over use them?


Yes, sometimes people make judgments without enough evidence.   I dont think it's necessarily harmful so long as you take it with a grain of salt.  

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 8:48:54 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I guess I'd say to those who pose a question. Read the advice at your own risk.

 I'd certainly hope we all read whats written in these threads with an objective eye. Its pretty obvious the we alone walk in our own shoes. So it hardly seems smart to take someones word as law, then put it into practice. Its more likely we mull over what we hear, and in the end come to our own conclusoins. I think we're a pretty smart bunch here myself. 

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 9:35:33 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Are those answers overused or come to too quickly? Do some just usually see impending doom?
Sometimes mistakes are made. We all screw up sometimes. Sometimes things can be worked through. Sometimes we learn lessons.
Does the answer so often have to be Run or Leave?
I agree that there ARE times when those ARE the appropriate answers....but do you think that we sometimes rush to them and over use them?


Great post, mistoferin. I do think many things can be worked out and those involved experience a happy satisfied relationship. Some of us (uh, me at times - especially in the past) post too quickly, emotionally, blindly.
 
 It takes trust and patience and tolerance and bravery.
 
I am learning. Oh yeah....
 
Thank you, fawne

< Message edited by Fawne -- 12/8/2006 9:37:00 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 10:04:47 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Fawne, I agree with the "tolerance" part!
You have to be tolerant of other peoples habits and foibles to make a relationship work.
I consider myself lucky as I'm very easy going and there's really not a lot that bothers me.
I guess having a military background has also made it easy for me to adjust to different things.
But, I think sometimes it's just better to overlook some things rather than argue about them.
I like to "argue" politics but that's about all.
I really don't care for arguing in a personal relationship.
So if something makes the other person happy but not me that's ok.

(in reply to Fawne)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Mistakes, Screw-ups and the Sky is Falling! - 12/8/2006 10:46:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I will also point out that Owned and I have had long term and personal communication with eachother which tends to form a more understanding level of communication, as well we both prefer to accept mistakes and laugh at them rather than dwell on them in this manner.

Both REALLY help keep things calm and moving along. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 40
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