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RE: Use or Making love - 12/8/2006 8:01:37 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

Akasha,
What you've posted reminds me very much of a period in my life where I eventually reached a point where I quit having "one night stands" as I finally realized that having sex with strangers wasn't satisfying my emotional needs and left me feeling just as empty and needy inside as I felt before the encounter. Fortunately for me, that was something I learned in my mid 20's, in plenty of time to stop the behavior from leaving me feeling bad about myself and preventing me from continuing to repeat it over and over, never learning why it wasn't working for me.

It sounds to me as though you may still have needs for an emotional connection with your master that aren't being met often enough to satisfy your needs. The repetition of interactions with your master that remind you of past encounters with those who cared nothing about you, to me is a sign of the missing link that isn't being met frequently enough for your needs to be satisfied in the relationship between the two of you. If you felt the love coming from your master and had the kind of emotional connection that you perhaps need on a more regular basis, I strongly suspect that swallowing his cum, is something you would in fact greatly desire to do. I suspect that because your emotional needs aren't being met, this act has now become a symbol for you of the unmet needs that your mind is trying to tell you that you need to first recognize exist, and surely then share them with your master so that he can figure out how to help see that they are met. A dialogue can then ensue, discussing what your needs are really about; and how your master can take them into account. To me, your mind seems to be telling you quite strongly that your needs count! Whatever you do, don't ignore what it is that your mind and thoughts are loudly telling you!

I hope this post provides some insight that may be helpful to you.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 41

RE: Use or Making love - 12/8/2006 8:37:00 PM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

pixel

while I liked your post , even if she figures all that out she would still have to confront her Master with the information that the sex with him is not meeting her needs. That is hard to do when it is supposed to be all about fulfilling him. So short of having him read this thread I don't know how she is going to tell him all that.

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 42

RE: Use or Making love - 12/8/2006 10:27:36 PM

MyCaptainsPet

Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

Well, i'll be totally honest with you...

Personally, i don't want to be used like a piece of meat every time he touches me. i want him to love me as a woman, not just a sub/slave. i would be crushed if he didn't caress me with tenderness, and touch me with gentle emotions...

Being used as a whore/slut/hole is fine.... and i love when we do it... BUT, i also need the wine and romance that a man gives a woman.

So to answer your origional post.. YES, i expect it.

BUT, it is who WE are, as a couple.. It's part of OUR makeup...

_____________________________

SLRN 896-781-943

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 43

RE: Use or Making love - 12/8/2006 11:39:33 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Akasha;
i also wonder if your feelings of emptiness and sadness afterwards is because for some reason, you aren't feeling the intimate connection with your Master during those times. i know that feeling you describe so, so, so well, and it's terribly lonely. i do think it's an important subject to discuss with your Master.

i was never able to understand the term making love until recently. i never experienced vanilla sex as making love, i could never feel that intimate connection to my partner. Now, even if i'm being used by my Master, he is making love to me. i can feel that closeness and that makes all the difference. i've come to the conclusion that when each person is able to be fully who they are in the presence of the other, and both love and accept each other, then making love is possible. When my Master uses me, he is exposing who he is, and i am doing the same, and the intimacy is deep. Sweet, gentle, loving sex is not making love to me. That's because it doesn't appeal to me, it's not who i am, and when i tried to pretend it was in my past relationships, i would be completely disconnected from myself and from my partner. No wonder i felt used and disregarded.

i don't separate being used the way my Master uses me with making love... they are one and the same.

(in reply to MyCaptainsPet)

Post #: 44

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 12:16:09 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

I am not really sure how I want to write this, it's just coming from thoughts in my head, so please excuse if they are jumbled.

As a sub/slave do you find yourself being used sexually more than being made love to? I guess I would define this in the most practical terms, but I am sure we all probably still differ to a degree in our meaning for either one.

Do you not expect that type of thing anymore (making love) and know that your use is only for his pleasure? Did you ever expect it at all? Do find full sexual satisfaction in just knowing that he has pleasure (every time)?

Akasha

*sighs* A difficult subject...

What is "making love"?

Better yet, what exactly is "love"?

Love is an emotion, of course. The dictionary essentially describes this emotion as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; affectionate concern for the well-being of another; or a strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for another.

Love was once described to me as when you care for someone more than you care for yourself ... when their happiness is more important to you than your own happiness. Hmmm... I'm not sure I completely agree with that definition, though. I've seen too much sacrificed in the name of love that ultimately brought happiness to no one.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that while his happiness is of supreme importance to me, I've a responsibility to myself to look out for my own happiness, too. If I'm unhappy, I'm not going to do myself, him or anyone else any good. And if I don't care about myself first, I'm not setting a very good precedent for how he or others should treat me.

But to bring it down to the core, no matter how you define it, love is something that YOU feel. My love is MY emotion. Despite anyone's best intentions, they cannot feel my emotions. I can try to share with words and actions what I feel, but FirmHandKY can't feel what I feel. What he feels and considers to be love may be different to what I feel and consider to be love. How he expresses the love he feels may be different to how I express the love that I feel.

And considering the fact that he is male and I am female, and he is dominant and I am submissive... well, it stands to reason that we just might feel and express things differently. It's the same coin, just different sides.

So... with all that into consideration, I think that "making love" is a sexual act wherein one or both partners revel in the emotions of love that they feel and attempt to communicate those feelings through their physical connection.

In other words, it's in my head. It's MY love. I'm the one feeling MY emotions. I'm hoping to express to him what I feel for him, and hopefully he recognizes and appreciates my attempt. If he doesn't... if he's simply wrapped up in the sex and how good it makes him physically feel, does that invalidate my expression of love? No. Does it mean he doesn't love me? No.

Do I want him to love me and sexually express how he feels with me? Sure I do! Do I expect it? No, I don't. And I certainly don't expect him to express himself in the same way that I do. His feelings are HIS feelings and he can express them how he wants. Men are different... they feel differently and they express themselves differently. If we've communicated well, we come to understand each other, but ultimately, how we perceive things is up to each of us, individually.

What I do need is the emotional satisfaction of knowing he desires me, cares about me, and is pleased by me. Those things are easily evidenced through his words and actions... no sexual contact required.

And while it does give me great satisfaction being sexually used by him and pleasing him, I wouldn't call it sexual satisfaction, nor does it always involve any physical gratification for me. It is another emotional satisfaction, but one that addresses my submissive needs.

The tricky part about making love in a D/s relationship is control. Making love is proactive... if I want to make love to him, it is me doing something to him or controlling how I react to him. Because it is my emotions that I'm desiring to express, and because how I express things is an intricate part of who I am, I need the freedom to control what it is that I'm doing. That can be frustrating for a submissive who's being sexually directed.

*laughs* Okay... I’ve written a lot. Hopefully I’ve answered one of your questions in there.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 45

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 3:03:48 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I liked pixelslaves post....and I just thought I'd add that this is quite a new relationship isn't it? ( if I remember correctly)..... If I'm wrong, ignore this...lol

Maybe you haven't got the bank of other things that make YOU feel loved yet. Reassurances that come over time and the general intimacy and security that time builds. Knowing you're loved and actually feeling it is different. As pixelslave says, feeling this way after sex could be a sympton......and it may not be the sex itself that's the problem.

If it was me, I'd wait a while and see how I felt in a week or so, to see if the feelings persist and it's not an emotional fluctuation.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 46

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 7:50:34 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

It sounds to me as though you may still have needs for an emotional connection with your master that aren't being met often enough to satisfy your needs. The repetition of interactions with your master that remind you of past encounters with those who cared nothing about you, to me is a sign of the missing link that isn't being met frequently enough for your needs to be satisfied in the relationship between the two of you.

Thank you so much for sharing this pixel.

Your post provided me with some thought provoking material for my own "issues".

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 47

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 8:21:53 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

hmmm.... i can think of plenty of times in my life where the "use" was mutual where the Dom was as much an object to me as i was to Him. ( OMG a subbie isn't supposed to admit such things!! Hahaha! ) i am at a time in my life where intimacy and partnering is more important to me than fuck for fuck's sake or mutual objectification. Because of a more emtional and spiritual need, i fully expect to remain solitary but without regret. To me, "making love" is in the mind and i know there have been times where love-making has involved cuffs and floggers. Shibari comes to mind also because of the amount of time He has to spend on getting everything perfect, how can that be anything other than love-making? Pardon me while my mind drifts.....

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 48

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 8:55:01 AM

savannasub

Posts: 32
Joined: 12/3/2006
Status: offline

its all different for each person. i had it both ways withtwo different girls.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 49

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 9:06:48 AM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

Since me and Master are just beginning to learn about one another, he's taking it slow. So for now it's a cross between making love, discoveries etc but I cannot wait for him to use me too. LOL

To answer the part on whether or not to 'expect making love', yes it goes along with a "relationship" where D/s is 24/7 and r/t and incorporated into the "relationship" is BDSM at different levels over time.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 50

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 9:26:48 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

...As a sub/slave do you find yourself being used sexually more than being made love to? I guess I would define this in the most practical terms, but I am sure we all probably still differ to a degree in our meaning for either one...

this slave doesn't keep track, of the instances themselves or if they fall into either category.

quote:

Do you not expect that type of thing anymore (making love) and know that your use is only for his pleasure?...Did you ever expect it at all?

this slave went into it hoping and praying that use of His slave would bring Him pleasure, not with the expectation of "being made love to"

quote:

Do find full sexual satisfaction in just knowing that he has pleasure (every time)?

abso-fuckin-lutely

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 51

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 11:03:04 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

Master and I do both, although I think there are more instances of just raw connection. I recently told Him how much I enjoy just being used as a His plaything. However, I am a lucky girl, in that, He enjoys giving me pleasure and making sure that I have had sexual release as well. He has incredible stamina and sometimes I am quite sated, but He is not. There are times when He forces me to have multiple orgasms (most just happen on their own) and recently I have discovered a slight sadistic streak in Him. When things start to get "overly sensitive down there," He will continue until He brings me there at least one or two more times. I never thought I would thank Him for stopping, but last week, I was fighting back the shakes as my body was just spent, and was not wanting even the slightest breeze to blow against my clit, but when He stopped, I was unbelievably grateful. So being "used" - for us - means that "I get mine" - sometimes over and over again until I am begging Him to stop. This brings Him pleasure, so I endure it, and in enduring it... I am happy to have made His day.

We do still have more tender moments, warm fuzzy times, no "raw" talk, just letting ourselves feel the moment and enjoy being in love with one another. I guess that is the standard definition of "making love" and we enjoy that, too.

I love both because it is time that He and I are connected in a very intimate and personal way. Am I happy every time that He uses me in some way? Yes. Is it easier because I'm always fulfilled at His choosing? I would imagine so.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 52

RE: Use or Making love - 12/9/2006 5:04:59 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

pixel

while I liked your post , even if she figures all that out she would still have to confront her Master with the information that the sex with him is not meeting her needs. That is hard to do when it is supposed to be all about fulfilling him. So short of having him read this thread I don't know how she is going to tell him all that.

In my opinion, the concept that everything is all about the Dom or the Domme is rubbish! I believe that if both the Dom/me and the sub aren't getting their essential needs met, then something is wrong with the relationship and that it needs to be addressed! If it can't be resolved to both parties satisfaction, then something needs to happen, as in someone needs to decide if they want to continue to be unhappy or take a walk. I chose to take a walk rather than remain in an abusive relationship with my former Mistress, so perhaps I'm biased.

I personally don't think Akasha needs to have her Master read this thread, but instead needs to be honest about her feelings with her Master and share them as honestly as she knows how. If she needs to write them down, that may be the best way for her. If she needs to thrash them out verbally with the help of her Master, that may work too. To me, it seems that they clearly need to talk about her feelings and her unmet needs. How they do it is up to her and her Master.

To me, the bottom line is that we all have needs and deserve to have them met. Subs are in this lifestyle and without us Dom, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses would have no one with which to interact or exert their power. It is a two-way exchange that I'd hope through negotiation and compromise meet both parties needs. If it doesn't, one should always have a choice to make of whether or not to go or stay (I understand there are certain cases where that's not always true). Its up to you to decide if you want to exercise that choice. From my own experience, strength, determination and courage, along with some wise and calculated planning is mostly what it takes.

Of course believing in yourself, and your value as a person, never hurts!

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 53

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 7:12:47 AM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Goodness, I feel a bit overwhelmed coming back to this thread since I wasn't able to do much as far as reading and responding yesterday.

I will try to do the best I can...

I do find a lot of insight in what you wrote pixelslave. I don't know that there is really anything too much missing, I suppose since it's a pretty new relationship we still have things to learn about each other. I admit that I can be a bit complicated in my feelings sometimes and I am sure that can be a bit confusing to anyone having to live with me.

One night I can be practically attacking HIM, the next wanting to be forced, then as far away from that as you can get even later that night with wanting slow and loving.

I have since talked to Master about it some. I think whats hard for me in it is that my Master is very "matter of fact", if that makes sense. He is very loving to me, and takes great care of me, but he's not really big on talking about feelings..he is more an "action" type of person. I like action, don't get me wrong, but I am very much a talker of feelings also.

I think that sometimes I am still learning how to relate to men as a whole. It's sort of hard to explain, but I have been in my longest relationships with women. I am used to communicating in a different way. On top of that, my Master is military now for over twenty years..so the way he looks at things and talks about things is a bit different.

I am taking in everything you all have to say, even if I haven't responded to each one of you on an individual basis.

I will continue to read and respond as I can, probably not more till tomorrow.

I thank you all again.

Kasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 54

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 8:29:03 AM

BossySSBBW

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/18/2006
Status: offline

Pixelslave, I liked your post very much. It is the exact way I feel. For me there would have to be a love connection on top of the D/s connection. The sense of loneliness for me otherwise, even being Domme, would make the relationship impossible for me.

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 55

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 8:40:26 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

I am not really sure how I want to write this, it's just coming from thoughts in my head, so please excuse if they are jumbled.

As a sub/slave do you find yourself being used sexually more than being made love to? I guess I would define this in the most practical terms, but I am sure we all probably still differ to a degree in our meaning for either one.

Do you not expect that type of thing anymore (making love) and know that your use is only for his pleasure? Did you ever expect it at all? Do find full sexual satisfaction in just knowing that he has pleasure (every time)?

Akasha

I personally have had no problems ever feeling "used" for another's sexual pleasure. It's my preference actually. I have no desire to be 'made love to'.

I am not in search of a relationship in which I would expect or demand sexual pleasure, because its not on my priority list. But for some it is. Nothing wrong with either school of thought.

I think each submissive/slave has to find the right partner for their own needs or desires. I think some S-types may enjoy gentle love-making one day, then desire to feel objectified and used like a nameless whore the next. I think communicating your needs to your partner, (Even if those needs change along the way) is of the utmost importance.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 56

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 8:52:10 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

And we thought we didn't like each other!

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

I personally have had no problems ever feeling "used" for another's sexual pleasure. It's my preference actually. I have no desire to be 'made love to'.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 57

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 9:01:28 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Akasha..

For what it's worth..I do understand the difficulty in expressing things that might not be taken well by the Owner if not said the right way. It is a scary time often but none the less one that must be done when ever it arises. My communication skills during these times with Master are still not what they should be but they have improved dramatically with time, and think time=trust makes a big difference. In effort to get to the right understanding of whats going on with me..he does allow me to go write it down if need be when he notices something or I will just go write it down, and then bring that which I've written and ask to speak with him if he isn't aware already. He reads what I've written, and this allows for easier communication from my spot on the floor :) because the ice is already broken, and the hardship of him not knowing anything but needing to know is over with, and can go from there.

Maybe writing it will help..maybe not..but anything is worth a try over not communicating.

Good Luck

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(If you have wet pointy ears..does that make you a elf slut?)

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 58

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 10:07:52 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

As a sub/slave do you find yourself being used sexually more than being made love to? I guess I would define this in the most practical terms, but I am sure we all probably still differ to a degree in our meaning for either one.

Do you not expect that type of thing anymore (making love) and know that your use is only for his pleasure? Did you ever expect it at all? Do find full sexual satisfaction in just knowing that he has pleasure (every time)?

Akasha

This topic holds so many facets that I could go on and on forever about the different interactions with the various men I have been with - every one of them viewed sex differently. Sir, on the other hand, truly enjoys that he can use me at his convenience, and I have come to love it too. I know that he loves me, no matter how he shows it, and I have come to appreciate the total interaction with Him as opposed to chopping it up into the various pieces. In this case - the whole is worth so much more than the sum of it's parts. I am a lucky woman in every respect.

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 59

RE: Use or Making love - 12/10/2006 1:56:28 PM

poeticslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/20/2005
Status: offline

Ok I'm going to try to reply to this whole thread really quick and hope it makes some sort of sense.

With us the two are not really separate, we could say the softer stuff is love making and the rougher is not. However during both 99% of the time, i still get the feelings and mind set of making love.. which is pushed along by my Master. He knows i need to feel that or I will be left feeling emotionally empty/sad/hurt ect. I think maybe it is something mental for you I dunno. My Master is military too though only 6 years so far but he is great at the communication and wanting to know how I think and feel whether it be about him or life in general.

I think when he gets really rough with me, i will start to get that empty feeling afterword... and need some after care and reassurance that he still loves me and cares for me. Usually some good cuddle time and kisses fix that for me.

I guess I am lucky no matter what it is I am always satisfied, my Master wouldn't be satisfied if I wasn't too.

(in reply to afeathr)

Post #: 60

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