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RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 7:36:25 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

If my needs are fulfilled then I’m happy. When I’m happy everyone is happy. Plain and simple.

This reminds me of the "If mama ain't, ain't nobody happy" expression.

In our house (vanilla and DS aspects both) if I'm not happy then no one else around here is going to be happy.

When the guys aren't happy, I feel that too and I'm sort of a "guy" myself when that happens because I want to fix the unhappiness. However, I'm very sure that Fox or Tom could be unhappy and the other completely unaware of it or emotionally not terribly affected by it. They care deeply about each other but it just doesn't affect them the same way it does when I'm unhappy.

Of course I learned a while ago that I have to speak up when I feel unhappy or angry because if I don't then it builds up and then unhappiness is the least of this family's problems.

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Post #: 21

RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 7:48:45 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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I, like Dianna, feel that Tammyjo's list sums up my feelings very well.

Oddly much of my list of "must haves and wants" would be daily living rather boring subjects like pets, family issues, etc. A huge factor for me are personality traits like intelligence and humour. I would not do well with someone who's primary life focus was kink related play and fetishes. I am more into the psychological relationship power issues with the physical play being the icing. And so on, so forth.

So yes, those issues and interests are very important to me. I am only interested in a long term relationship and have zero interest in a short term play partner situation. I don't need that. There must be a high level of compatibility on all levels for a long term relationship to suceed.

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Post #: 22

RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 6:04:20 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: blmtrsne

I don't find my pleasure in inflicting pain, i just want to be served. And a slave who thinks allike is also a slave who will try to improve his service, will be intelligent enough to get to know how to improve, yes surprice his Mistress, his service. And if your pleraseure and his are alike that will only be positive. The slave will grow and so will his Mistress.

blmtrsne

OK, that good, and I get that point. But my point is, what about the non-service person pursuing you who has no interest or intentions on being of service?

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Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to blmtrsne)

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Post #: 23

RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 6:06:21 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
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From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I, like Dianna, feel that Tammyjo's list sums up my feelings very well.

Oddly much of my list of "must haves and wants" would be daily living rather boring subjects like pets, family issues, etc. A huge factor for me are personality traits like intelligence and humour. I would not do well with someone who's primary life focus was kink related play and fetishes. I am more into the psychological relationship power issues with the physical play being the icing. And so on, so forth.

So yes, those issues and interests are very important to me. I am only interested in a long term relationship and have zero interest in a short term play partner situation. I don't need that. There must be a high level of compatibility on all levels for a long term relationship to suceed.

Likewise. My sadism is really my only mandatory requirement on the BDSM side of my life (and that they be service minded -- I don't just want a bottom.)

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Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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Post #: 24

RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 7:55:21 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Your idea is not hard for me to grasp at all. I believe that commonality is important for a relationship. My idea of commonality includes kinks, general interests, and general social perspectives. How much commonality is important depends on the type of relationship sought.

For a long term relationship, I agree that it is important to have compatible core interests. For me BDSM spans not just sexual fun, but an expression of sexuality, romance, and romantic affection. For people who feel similarly, a compatible expression of sexuality and romance is important.

Your post suggests to me that it is not as much the sadism (the act of giving pain) as the energy exchange and connection that occurs during the sadism that is important to you. Perhaps this energy exchange and connection is central to your relationship expression.

I think your perspective about seeking compatibility for passions is both compassionate and practical. For the relationship you describe, I think it would be compassionate for one to want their partners to have what makes them happy. Also, if you deny someone what makes him happy, it serves as an issue that challenges the relationship. This challenge contributes to discontent that can cause the relationship to come apart. For this reason, I do not agree with the perspective that only the dominants' needs and interests matter.

For myself, I do seek compatibility at multiple levels. I do not exclusively seek a long-term relationship and am open to a play relationship. For me, a play relationship is not one for the sake of play alone but one where there is compatibility, connection and attraction but not enough for a long-term relationship. This approach would allow me to explore a relationship that had promise for general long-term compatibility but with questions about kink compatibility. Some of the kink incompatibilities you mention are static: latex allergy. Some can be dynamic. Some kinks that otherwise seem uninteresting may suddenly create a rush because of the response, energy exchange, and connection achieved through the same.

Also, I believe in likelihoods more than absolutes.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MisPandora)

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Post #: 25

RE: Shared Interests - 12/10/2006 9:13:53 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
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From: Philadelphia, PA
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Brilliant response, Sea. Thanks for sharing that.

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Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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Post #: 26

RE: Shared Interests - 12/12/2006 10:31:02 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora
I've just had a long conversation that's led me to believe that I am very alone in this line of thinking

You are definitely not alone in your thinking. I thought that finding a long term committed partner would be a breeze a few years back given the number of allegedly available submissives; than came the realization that D/s is a subset within BDSM, and than factoring in chemistry, relationship goals, compatible kinks makes this whole endeavor one huge uncertain lifelong trip through the abyss of human need, desire and will.

quote:

Is this such a difficult concept for others to grasp

I don't think this concept is that difficult... I think what is difficult is trying to find a place where it is possible to bend a little, while not losing one's essence, since in the end, the whole point of wiitwd (to me) is humans creating bonds with others for fun or for life. I think what I'm trying to say is that there is no point in being so special and unique that one is unable to connect/communicate with other human beings.

quote:

respecting someone's desires, and further, wanting someone to have parallel interests to maintain a long term relationship with? And where do you stand? How do you approach other's kinks, interests and identity? Do you make practice of pursuing others who have kinks you've got no interest in or no intention to engage in? And why?

I have been in touch with many decent folks with whom I have too little by way of common/complementary needs and desires to attempt a relationship. I am of the opposites attract ilk, and definitely need someone who complements me. I apreciate having someone around who knows some things that I don't, and vice versa. I don't ever make the compatibility dicision based on common kinks alone. I like to get a feel for how strongly a person feels about his particular list, vs how much he is willing to devote himself to establishing a loving relationship. I don't deem it impossible for myself to have a relationship with someone who loves something that I don't, unless that particular kink is the only one that drives his desire and will. M

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Post #: 27

RE: Shared Interests - 12/12/2006 1:14:04 PM

MsCece2u

Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
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Very nice topic for discussion Pandora. I have truly enjoyed reading all the response from Dommes and subs alike.

One thing I noticed mentioned in more than one post is the energy exchanged. When the connection is right the energy exchanged between the two parties is like magic. I have found that when you try do something that is not in your make up that the energies are entirely different and not as fulfilling.
It is not the concept that is difficult, what seems to be the problem is a breakdown in initial communications. I have found that some in their desperation to find that O/one, hedge around what it is they really want and need in a relationship. I have been lucky enough to find submissives that enjoy what I enjoy and O/our energy feeds off of each other.

My motto is why settle for a firecracker when you can have full blown fireworks.

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Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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Post #: 28

RE: Shared Interests - 12/12/2006 3:27:19 PM

Jeniluscious

Posts: 53
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: Detroit metro
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: blmtrsne

I don't find my pleasure in inflicting pain, i just want to be served. And a slave who thinks allike is also a slave who will try to improve his service, will be intelligent enough to get to know how to improve, yes surprice his Mistress, his service. And if your pleraseure and his are alike that will only be positive. The slave will grow and so will his Mistress.

blmtrsne

OK, that good, and I get that point. But my point is, what about the non-service person pursuing you who has no interest or intentions on being of service?

I left all that in situ for clarity.

Now it all comes clear... of course the non-service person is going to pursue you; you're a sadist and they want to be hit.

Annoying? You betcha! Common? Absolutely. Why? Desperation is what I usually chalk it up to.

Prospective new submissive persons must prove to me that they have the ability to learn to *serve* and serve properly before the Sadist comes out to play. That's the treat after the work. If I can't get the work (and I use that term as 'anything not S/m related'), then they don't get the "cake".

Walk the walk, baby, and then we'll bring on the bastinado.

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An axe and a scalpel both draw blood. For me, I prefer the scalpel; I like my bloodletting up close and personal.

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Post #: 29

RE: Shared Interests - 12/12/2006 9:42:36 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

I don't ever make the compatibility dicision based on common kinks alone. I like to get a feel for how strongly a person feels about his particular list, vs how much he is willing to devote himself to establishing a loving relationship. I don't deem it impossible for myself to have a relationship with someone who loves something that I don't, unless that particular kink is the only one that drives his desire and will. M

I agree with you on this. Something I read on Alt a number of months ago brought this point home quite clearly to me and has stuck with me every since. It seems to me that it would be very foolish to pass someone by who didn't share a kink or two that was only a passing interest or something that one could learn to live without. Compared to all the joy the two of you could share together, it seems to be a very minor compromise to make.

Unless it is indeed something essential to your being that you truly can't live without, to me it seems a "no-brainer" decision to make, but perhaps I've learned to be more flexible than most. When one compares living alone and being without someone with whom to share any of their kinks vs. having someone special whose company they greatly enjoy who satifisfies many of their needs and desires, it seems like an easy choice to I'd happily make. I just don't see it as settling at all, instead just learning to compromise. I see it as a case of creating "win-win" situations as opposed to viewing things from a polar perspective of having them as all or none. But the latter is certainly an option that many choose to make.

- pixel

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RE: Shared Interests - 12/12/2006 10:37:35 PM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I'm a dominant sadist. I find it's important for my enjoyment if I engage in play with compatible individuals, namely masochistic submissives. It does nothing for me to dish out pain to someone who gets no enjoyment from it. (If that were the case, I'd abandon my interest in BDSM and my job at a non-profit for a lucrative career as a dentist.) Sure, there are times that I might do something that the slave doesn't exactly enjoy, but the bottom line is that my sadism feeds off of someone who enjoys and can process the pain as pleasure and enjoyment.

In the same vein, in searching for a long term sub male partner, I read carefully an individual's profile and I understand what things they hold as important to them. I would choose not to pursue someone if their interests were misaligned with my own. Several examples I can think of would include someone who has a latex fetish (I'm allergic), someone who was into diapers (not my kink) or scat (assessed by me to be a health risk.) I respect other people's rights to be into their fetishes or kinks and would not want for them to sacrifice their clearly important interest because it's something I'm unwilling to provide for them.

I've just had a long conversation that's led me to believe that I am very alone in this line of thinking. I've seen repeated behaviors from other women that have affirmed my thinking, however, this really has me questioning!

Is this such a difficult concept for others to grasp -- respecting someone's desires, and further, wanting someone to have parallel interests to maintain a long term relationship with? And where do you stand? How do you approach other's kinks, interests and identity? Do you make practice of pursuing others who have kinks you've got no interest in or no intention to engage in? And why?

Very interesting topic, so much so it makes me want to post again.

I agree that compatibility is a must. One cannot compromise on what one needs and is looking for. As a submissive/masochist, the type of "play" basically means little to me in the pain/humiliation aspect of it. That is simply a means to an end. What’s important is the end. Which for me is getting into the submissive headspace. The pain/humiliation "play" is an act that puts me in my place. I am lower than the Domme, I serve them and their wishes. The "play" puts my mind in such a submissive state that all I can do is give up completely. Once I completely surrender my mind is in a state of adoration and absolute longing to serve my Domme. It's that high of being brought low that does it for me. Once in that mind-set I want whatever the Domme wants. I want to please, I want to serve, I want nothing else in life. When deep in that "zone" there are no limits (which is why trust is a must.) I would do anything, take anything, just to please the Domme I am connected to.

Of course before going into that state it's very important we are on the same page as to what hard limits are. For instance, forced-bi is a hard limit for me. But I believe in that head space I would be willing to go there just to please. However the damage that could be done to me mentally once I come back out of subspace is another matter. Which is why communication and compatibility is important.

The bottom line for me is that in "play" I really want what the Domme wants to dish out. I want to be taken down to a level of worshipful ecstasy. Within proper limits of course.

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RE: Shared Interests - 12/13/2006 12:27:08 AM

personagrata

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/31/2005
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Play, to me, is temporary, and must be enjoyable to both, at least to insure mutual enjoyment, and a repeat performance. Therefore, it must be between boundaries set by each part, which are defined by their respective “lists”. With a second, third …session, the boundaries can be expanded somewhat, since both parties know each other more, and may eventually hit on hard limits.

For the long term relationship, which eventually leads to commitment, lists can be indicative at the start, but, IMHO, the 2 parts are taking the time to know each other, and test each other’s responses. Thus they will come up with their common list of bannable activities. The “know each other period”, which I like to consider the enslavement period, is when both parties establish the synergies and the trust between them, which eventually leads to commitment, and collaring. This is the period when they expand on their mutually enjoyable/acceptable activities (both scene and non scene), and learn of each other’s little habits and secrets, keeping in mind the proper hierarchy and priorities, of course, which means compromises mainly by the slave to be. That said, I would not consider any list I may have as a pre-condition, but only as a for-information list, hoping that She would understand, knowing that any “transgressions” from Her part or mine can be acted upon during the enslavement phase, and are not allowed for me once collared, when or if W/we reach this point.

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Post #: 32