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Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 8:33:38 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		We've seen many posts regarding a sub/slaves need for aftercare and what it does for them. I'd like to know what it does, if anything, for the Dominant/Masters.

Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?


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~erin~

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 8:37:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Yes.

Aftercare for tops should be discussed and expected from the subs/bottoms far more than it is now IMO.

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 8:40:18 AM   
Altina


Posts: 14
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

We've seen many posts regarding a sub/slaves need for aftercare and what it does for them. I'd like to know what it does, if anything, for the Dominant/Masters.

Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?


In my past relationship, the one that I was with did not want to be anywhere near another person after an intense scene. Some are like that, some are not. If your top requires aftercare, then by all means, provide it; vice versa for the submissives also.

_____________________________

trinity

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 8:42:15 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I was actually wondering what GIVING aftercare does for a Top....not getting it from submissives. But yes, I also agree that these things should go both ways and they frequently don't.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:00:07 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		My Master is wonderful with aftercare.  That is other than one occassion when he left me with sub friends and went off to do whatever it is he did.  We both learned from that experience that  i need to have him hold me atleast until i am well grounded again from subspace.  The time he left made it very difficult for me to come down and i felt dazed for a long time afterwards and the sub drop became intense almost instantaneous.  Was the worst drop i have experienced and Master will now tease me about leaving me before we go into a scene but i know he will never do that again.  When i am coherent again i make sure he is getting plenty to drink, find food if he needs it and tell him how wonderful he was to share his strength with me.  During this time no one else exhists but us.  I wonder if there is more i can do for him.  He loves being kissed and touched so i do that as much as possible.  I believe in Dom drop and want to make sure he is well taken care of as well.  I consider myself still quite a novice so am listening to the responses here hoping to pick up more tips as to what i might do to make aftercare even better for him.

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:07:30 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I was actually wondering what GIVING aftercare does for a Top....not getting it from submissives. But yes, I also agree that these things should go both ways and they frequently don't.


Honestly from my experience, it reassures me that I'm a great human being and it encourages me to continue as I have been doing. It can be very easy to feel bad about being sadistic or dominant or in charge (especially for but not limited to women). It also just feels great to be appreciated -- makes you want to put in the time and energy every day.

I went through a period where I thought I had absorbed the evil from the men who had abused me as a child -- I wanted to hurt people, I wanted to be in control, and I wanted others to serve me, wasn't that what they did to me? How could I be evil like them? A great therapist helped me realize that I was nothing like them. But everytime a sub or my slave says "thanks" or hugs me or tells me that they appreciate my ownership/training, it reaffirms what that therapist said.

So when I take care of my sub and slave (and they give back to me in return) I distance myself even further from those evil men (one who loved to use the language of bdsm to justify what he was doing by the way).



< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 12/13/2006 10:08:27 AM >

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:12:15 AM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

We've seen many posts regarding a sub/slaves need for aftercare and what it does for them. I'd like to know what it does, if anything, for the Dominant/Masters.

Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?





For me it really is not that I feel responsible to provide aftercare. I want to do it, both because I feel that my boy needs it, and also it seals the connection between us. The intimacy we share in BDSM activities is only one kind of intimacy...it can be intense, there can be pain, there might be a sense of objectification. After all that, to hold him and connect on an affectionate and even nurturing level is a kind of completion for me.

OTOH, I never personally feel the need for aftercare, as the Dominant. Maybe those who do can explain more about that, as I am curious about it.

Smythe




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Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:16:36 AM   
mistoferin


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Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Smythe
After all that, to hold him and connect on an affectionate and even nurturing level is a kind of completion for me.


This is kind of what I was wondering about...if it brings it back around full circle so to speak. I also wonder if there is an aspect of "yes, I did all of these things to you and now I need to know that you're still ok with me" kind of thing. Kind of like...yes, but will you still respect me in the morning...lol.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Smythe)
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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:23:04 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		After I've beaten/tortured (in a good way), humilated and used him to My fill, I hold him and reassure him that I love and adore him. This is as much for his benefit as it is mine, its a way to come down from Domspace and land in the arms of the one person I truly want to be with at that moment. It is our way of connecting in the afterglow as it were.

~Lashra


_____________________________

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 10:56:49 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd think the cuddling and discussion afterwards would be aftercare for both.

For me, once i'm clear headed again, I like to take care of Sir as well. Be it getting him a drink, a massage, stroking his back as we talk about things. Just re-connecting in a soft way. I know after some things, it takes me a little while to "like" Him again lol, but once i'm calm, I always want to reassure him that it's all good, and make sure he knows i care. I like to know how he felt about the session and if there is anything we, or i  need to work on to make it better.

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 11:17:49 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I always thought, from my own personal perspective, that aftercare was a matter of course.  It shouldn't be up to a submissive to ask about it, inquire into it, or negotiate for it.  It's just done.

Let's face it.  'Play' CAN be physical but typically isn't 100% so.  Anyone can tell whether the physical aspects of play will manifest itself more than the next hour or so.  But to be able to top, or bottom, at a high level for great lengths of time (months, years), you want to make certain that your partner du jour or for life is being taking care of emotionally.

Jeff

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 11:47:57 AM   
QuietDom


Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		While it's not particularly viable at a play party, I do have a form of aftercare that I practice at home.  Once the sub has had whatever aftercare she may require, I'm still not finished the scene until I've had my cup of tea.  Not an euphemism, that: an actual cup of 'Monk's Blend' tea.  The few times I've had a sub in the house thus far, I've just made my own tea, but when I finally get a stable Dom/sub relationship, you can be assured that tea-making will be one of her functions.

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 11:52:52 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear mistoferin, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Being a Dominant, I do personally appreciate some form of after care.
Some individuals I TOP, aren't really 'submissive' but, making sure after I've worked hard, I'm tired and need a real rest; they get a soda or wrap my shoulders in a sweater, as I come down from a 'high' to which my re-entry to ground is hot and cold; back and forth until I'm settled; not much different from sub-space/flying.  But, mine is more physical fatique and the TOP space doesn't start for me until the scene is over with.  I've learned to delay it until I'm safe at home but, at times I admit I fight to focus on my driving when there have been super scenes where I've been extremely out in TOP space.
 
If the person is my personal slave, I would want to cuddle up--being a "Hugs" person [chuckles-like nobody can guess]; I enjoy the reconnection of energy, feeling, emotion and hug the one who loves me and serves me.  I do think it is a flow back and forth, the completed circle, in my mind's eyes.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 11:57:15 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
We've seen many posts regarding a sub/slaves need for aftercare and what it does for them. I'd like to know what it does, if anything, for the Dominant/Masters.

Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?


erin,
I see no difference in after-care than in 'care' that required the after-care. Both express emotions and sentiments that, I believe, should always be present. Ideally these are reciprocal emotions and sentiments.  

It's like the hug you get from a loved one at the airport when returning from a trip; it feels good but if there was no emotional connection prior to the hug, you won't get any closer to the person after the hug. However, it does provide an opportunity. It's easier to tell a 'fake' hug than it is to tell a 'fake' kiss. I'd bet you can tell if you get fake after-care.

Which brings a question to the table. We are always talking about submissives having safe-words to end a scene. In line with the OP, do those with safe-words give a Dominant the opportunity to safe-word out of after-care if he/she doesn't feel the emotional need to give or get it?

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 12:06:41 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

We've seen many posts regarding a sub/slaves need for aftercare and what it does for them. I'd like to know what it does, if anything, for the Dominant/Masters.

Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?



I provide aftercare as I see it as a deeper level of my responsibility as the dominant to take care of my partner, whether she is a submissive friend submitting to me for the mutual pleasure to be found in play or a long-term partner.  It gives me an opportunity to reassure them that everything is O.K. and gives them someone to turn to when they need to once they've made their journey back or to hold onto while they are traveling.  It enforces the connection that allowed us to play in the first place.

I know that many dominants...and submissives...shy away from aftercare in a casual setting because of that emotional connection and their fear that it will cause the play to turn into something deeper...a relationship at a level they do not want.  But, if we are responsible adults willing to engage in this activity, can't we be intelligent enough to recognize the intensity of feelings that can occur with the play and recognize that those feelings are from the play just as much as they are from the connnection between the two people and that this intensity does not have to extend beyond the period of time they've agreed to share?  I've seen the delayed onset of anger and frustration that lack of aftercare can lead to...been on the receiving end of it from a submissive friend who played with a dominant that did not give aftercare for the reason I noted above...and in all fairness, she let it happen that way as per her agreement though she found herself wanting to be held after a very, very intense play session that left her quivering.  He moved away from her and asked if she wanted to take a shower.  She nodded yes and he spanked her on the ass and told her to hurry as she had to get him to the airport on time.  (Despite his hurry, it didn't stop him from entering the shower with her and insisting on one more blowjob...hmmm).  Several months later, she blew up at me during a conversation over some triviality.  When I asked her where THAT came from, I got the whole diatribe about how doms only care about themselves...how they use subs and then set them aside...and on...and on.  When I asked where this new opinion came from, that is when she related the story above.  I told her that she was making all male dominants pay for what one...again, with her blessing...had done.  What would a little aftercare have cost?

It's been noted that often, it does not travel back from the submissive to the dominant.  In my opinion, it needs to.  I need to feel that feeling, nicely stated by mist, that "you will still respect me in the morning...and right now, you think I'm pretty fantastic".

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 12:24:48 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I've seen the delayed onset of anger and frustration that lack of aftercare can lead to...been on the receiving end of it from a submissive friend who played with a dominant that did not give aftercare for the reason I noted above...and in all fairness, she let it happen that way as per her agreement though she found herself wanting to be held after a very, very intense play session that left her quivering.  He moved away from her and asked if she wanted to take a shower.  She nodded yes and he spanked her on the ass and told her to hurry as she had to get him to the airport on time.  (Despite his hurry, it didn't stop him from entering the shower with her and insisting on one more blowjob...hmmm).  Several months later, she blew up at me during a conversation over some triviality.  When I asked her where THAT came from, I got the whole diatribe about how doms only care about themselves...how they use subs and then set them aside...and on...and on.  When I asked where this new opinion came from, that is when she related the story above.  I told her that she was making all male dominants pay for what one...again, with her blessing...had done.


CD,
Regarding sensations the woman in your example was a submissive. Regarding her requirement for aftercare she obviously was a dominant, one that would exceed pre-determined 'limits'.

In this case she accepted the sensations. Agreed to them,  as you point out, inclusive of the Dominant's honesty regarding after-care. Once the sensations were over she now wanted something outside the negotiated scene. Why doesn't he have the right to 'safe-word' because she wanted something outside the negotiation as she would if he exceeded the negotiated sensations?  

I think the defense of the Dom in question is obvious and would have pointed that out to her in defense of the honest Dom. In reality if his providing after-care would be exceeding limits. Or have we gotten to the point where a Dom is only there to serve a sensation seeking submissive?

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 4:37:56 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Do you provide aftercare because you feel responsible for doing so or is there a need within you that it fulfills?



Aftercare... Are they Harmed?    No... ok then... ( I move forward)

I don't it because I feel responsible to them... I do it because I am responsible to myself.  I don't want to harm anyone... So I validate in different manners that the person I played with is not harmed.

Second aspect of Aftercare... is to appreicate what worked and what didn't and put that into my little treasure box of knowledge to enhance my experience in future plays. Yeah... it about me and it's about them too.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 4:38:20 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

I've seen the delayed onset of anger and frustration that lack of aftercare can lead to...been on the receiving end of it from a submissive friend who played with a dominant that did not give aftercare for the reason I noted above...and in all fairness, she let it happen that way as per her agreement though she found herself wanting to be held after a very, very intense play session that left her quivering. He moved away from her and asked if she wanted to take a shower. She nodded yes and he spanked her on the ass and told her to hurry as she had to get him to the airport on time. (Despite his hurry, it didn't stop him from entering the shower with her and insisting on one more blowjob...hmmm). Several months later, she blew up at me during a conversation over some triviality. When I asked her where THAT came from, I got the whole diatribe about how doms only care about themselves...how they use subs and then set them aside...and on...and on. When I asked where this new opinion came from, that is when she related the story above. I told her that she was making all male dominants pay for what one...again, with her blessing...had done.


CD,
Regarding sensations the woman in your example was a submissive. Regarding her requirement for aftercare she obviously was a dominant, one that would exceed pre-determined 'limits'.

In this case she accepted the sensations. Agreed to them, as you point out, inclusive of the Dominant's honesty regarding after-care. Once the sensations were over she now wanted something outside the negotiated scene. Why doesn't he have the right to 'safe-word' because she wanted something outside the negotiation as she would if he exceeded the negotiated sensations?

I think the defense of the Dom in question is obvious and would have pointed that out to her in defense of the honest Dom. In reality if his providing after-care would be exceeding limits. Or have we gotten to the point where a Dom is only there to serve a sensation seeking submissive?


You bring up a good point...one that, to be honest, had not crossed my mind. Asking for/giving aftercare would have been outside the negotiated limits and outside the negotiated scene.

Of course, from the other side of the coin...could it not also be considered going outside the negotiated limits to have "forced" her into one more blowjob once the scene was called "over" by said dominant and she was in the middle of cleaning up?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 4:45:15 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Of course, from the other side of the coin...could it not also be considered going outside the negotiated limits to have "forced" her into one more blowjob once the scene was called "over" by said dominant and she was in the middle of cleaning up?


CD,
If the negotiated scene was "called over" than her trip to the shower with him voluntary. If what occurred in the shower wasn't voluntary and during the cleaning up she was "forced" to give a blow-job that has another name - Rape. Even in context with the rest of the story you relate.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: Aftercare....the Top side? - 12/13/2006 4:56:49 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Of course, from the other side of the coin...could it not also be considered going outside the negotiated limits to have "forced" her into one more blowjob once the scene was called "over" by said dominant and she was in the middle of cleaning up?


CD,
If the negotiated scene was "called over" than her trip to the shower with him voluntary. If what occurred in the shower wasn't voluntary and during the cleaning up she was "forced" to give a blow-job that has another name - Rape. Even in context with the rest of the story you relate.


Actually...she had gone to the shower by herself, as noted in my original post.  He 'popped' in. 
The 'forcing' was more of a D/s type of 'forcing'...she did it because she was still in a submissive state, despite the scene being called over.  It was later that she became angry over the fact that she submitted to this after the scene but he wouldn't hold her.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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