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Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course - 12/13/2006 4:35:02 PM

TallLord

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

So, I've found myself in a bit of a dilemma. Engaged to be married to a wonderful, submissive woman I love a lot, I'm still good friends with the girl with whom I first experimented in the lifestyle. It sounds like her story is a lot like the story of many a sub--"Doms" and "Masters" tell her they're interested in a long term relationship, she shows up, get's used and gets forgotten. I'll even admit that there was a point in time when I was that kind of Dom. I know it happens.

On the other hand, she's obviously a special girl (I mean, we stayed in touch) and I'm not especially thrilled about this turn of events. She's a girl who made me happy (we split only because I moved to Germany and she, well, didn't) and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.)

I think you know where this is going. Ever the proactive one, I told her I'd jump in and get involved. Now, I'm realizing that I don't know how to go about finding a good Dom who's interested in a real, long term relationship. And I wondered if anyone else had ever tried to do any matchmaking for subs/slaves and how they went about it.

Is one free to contact other Doms? I mean, I have to admit that I had to troll for subs (as shocking as that admission may be) and would have been put off--or at least startled--if a Dom contacted me and said I could be a possible match for a sub he's been taking care of.

I would, naturally, greatly appreciate whatever help you can give.

Post #: 1

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/13/2006 5:27:34 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Tall,

As Doms, it's easy (and usually natural) for us to become locked into the Knight in Shining Armor gig. The desire to protect is a noble - but often misguided one.

It's entirely one thing for you to be there for your friend, support her, encourage her, and listen to her cry. That's what friends are for. You still have to stop and remember: She's an adult. She has to meet people on her own. She is a strong, intelligent human being. She will be OK.

She might be tempted into fast relationships. She might hook up with the wrong people. You have to let her. It's the price of being a friend - watching other friends make stupid mistakes. They need those mistakes to grown and learn from them. You can't live 'for' her - and you would deny her life's pleasures if you tried to shield her from all of life's evils.

In short - give her a shoulder to cry on, but don't make the mistake of playing matchmaker. It could cost you both your friendship and your current fiance.

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/13/2006 5:50:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think you need to make her stand on her own two feet and tell her to be single and happy for a full year before considering making a commitment again. She needs to figure out what keeps drawing and accepting people in her life who will use her and break her bad habits and you need to stop being her valiant knight to rely on.

Be a friend, but be one who will challenge her to be a fulfilled independent adult- not enable her bad behavior.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Voltare)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/13/2006 7:26:50 PM

BORAT

Posts: 37
Joined: 11/10/2006
Status: offline

In my country this happenings many time. After we are done sexy time with the sister, and are make marriage other womans, we are auction sister. But only to neighbor with color TV.

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 7:03:31 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Does your fiancee know about this? Because honestly what it sounds like to me is that she's deliberately trying to ruin your relationship so she can get back together with you.

She is a grown woman I assume. Knows how to operate a motor vehicle, can keep a job, pay her bills etc etc. She isn't incapable in other areas of her life, so she doesn't have to be incapable here except that she's trying to reel you back in.

Tell your fiancee what's going on. Unless you've agreed to be poly? And even so, she deserves to know the truth.

(in reply to BORAT)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 7:23:27 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.)

I'm curious about what you mean by this comment. Do you think that subs are unhappy?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 7:57:35 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

I think you're doing a very honorable thing and disagree with what some others have said about her having to repeatedly get hurt to learn from her mistakes. No woman deserves to be used and tossed aside. This type of learning often causes psychological damage. There are some people who are so scarred by being hurt that they "learn" to never open up to anyone and can't keep a good relationship going when they find one. If more doms helped subs find real relationships, there would be alot less players out there (they wouldn't find any women at all unless they quit being players and wankers). You stated that at one time you used to be that kind of dom. I'm glad to hear you're no longer that way. My advice to you in the selection is to remember your own behavior during that time and how you lured women in. Since you used to be that way yourself, it will be easier for you to spot them. I wish I had a mentor like you. Good luck!!!

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 8:07:13 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

Rather than giving you advice you didn't ask for (no matter how well-intentioned), I'll answer your question. If you (or anyone else) contacted me and said "I'm a Dom, but I know a sub who might be a good fit with you" then I'd probably be open to at least exchanging a few emails/IM's with them. Mainly because you never know, and the worst thing that could possibly happen is I sent/recieved a few emails that ended up being a waste of time. Not exactly the worst thing that could ever happen.

It's probably the gambler in me talking- the pot odds on that are pretty much perfect.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 8:22:31 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Why is it up to you to find her someone? I can understand not wanting her to get hurt and all. She needs to learn to make responsible decisions for herself. Can you really be objective when and if she finds someone due to your feelings for her? Matchmaking is very touchy and alot of the times doesn't end up so well.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 1:17:46 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

It's not a matter of forced responsibility. He cares about her and doesn't want her to be crushed by a worthless player. If society (bdsm as well as vanilla) had more mentors, there wouldn't be near as many players and wankers.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 1:26:01 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I think there is more to the story than we both know. I do not think it as innocent as you think. Something isn't right about the whole thing. Yes he may care about her but shes an adult and what was she doing while he was becoming involved with another and becoming engaged? I am pretty sure she wasn't pacing in circles waiting for someone to help her make a decision. Just my opinion.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 2:12:25 PM

TallLord

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

Wow. I wasn't looking to cause trouble. In response the question of "what was she doing while I was off being engaged" she was in the States making mistakes and learning from them. But I also know that, when my little sister starts seeing a new guy, in the vanilla sense, I talk to her about him and am quick to arrange a meeting or a phone call. She doesn't have a big brother.

I find it telling that most Dom(me)s are telling me to let her run around and get hurt again. Is there some sort of secret code that I didn't know of, one that requires Doms to conspire together to let subs get used. We--anybody, but I'm speaking now as someone who's done this as a Dom--lie. BDSM is a great place for easy sex, because female subs are taught that a big part of it is sex, and the community is spread thinly enough that most of the "getting to know you" is done online, and it's easy to lie in an email, in a chat, or on the phone. I know, because I've done it. And I know I'm not the only one whose done it.

I was just wondering if anyone had ever tried anything similar, if we as Doms have any kind of mechanism for doing something like this, for filtering out un-serious Doms.

Right now, I've just looked over the profiles on CM that she's liked and talked to her about my thoughts. Doms I thought, from their descriptions, matched her, Doms who seemed to be saying very little and were probably shady. My profile is pretty empty (if I don't mention it now, I feel like it's going to come back and burn me) but I'm also no longer looking. The Doms I see with empty profiles or "contact me and I'll tell you more," my gut response is that they're revealing little until she says "this is who I am, this is what I do" and then they'll tell her the lies they thinks she expects her to hear. Any other advice?

I think what I should have done is posted asking subs how they filter out Doms who aren't serious.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 2:24:31 PM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BORAT

In my country this happenings many time. After we are done sexy time with the sister, and are make marriage other womans, we are auction sister. But only to neighbor with color TV.

Where the hell do you come up with this stuff???

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to BORAT)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 3:08:36 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

To the OP........I never thought you were looking to cause trouble. I can't understand why so many people think it's necessary to get hurt in order to learn. What does getting screwed over teach any woman except such a lack of trust that when the right dom does come along, he will be pushed away by the walls she has built? I've met many people like this.......men and women alike that have been hurt so badly that they refuse to let anyone get close to them. Being repeatedly hurt doesn't teach a lesson, it often causes significant damage to social skills.

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 3:28:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallLord
Is there some sort of secret code that I didn't know of, one that requires Doms to conspire together to let subs get used.

We don't LET people do anything- they are not ours to allow or disallow.

In order for consent to have real meaning, it MUST come from within that person alone. If they cannot take full responsibility for their consent, then it becomes meaningless. You may think you are doing a kindness, but you are really presuming and taking far more away from her.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 12/14/2006 3:30:06 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 3:38:07 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Boy does this question, and this thread, pose a lot of "stuff". Sort of like a verbal Rorschach in that you can assume all sorts of things from the replies even though the replies don't address the OP's question. And, like a Rorschach, the results are deeply flawed and of little value. But hey, that's what makes psychoanalysis so fun!

So I have to give props to SmokingGun, who rightly points out that the posts are mostly gratuitious advice, and fail to address the question. If I were contacted by a Dominant seeking to hook Me up with his former submissive based on my profile, I'd be very wary, flattered, amused and curious. I'm a gambler, too, but I suspect my sense of "pot odds" differs from SmokingGun's, and I'd probably decline. Though if I were looking, I might want to chat with her a bit.

As to the other stuff, I agree a bit with Voltare that this smacks of "rescuing" the girl. A bad habit of mine when I was a lot younger. And the OP's desire to find his "ex" someone new smacks a bit of assuaging guilt, too, whether he should feel guilty or not. And there was a bit of a nagging thought that this was the latest instalment of "Pimp my subbie". But all in all, I think the impulse is noble, and I'd say go ahead and see if you can help her find someone.

Oh yah, and:

quote:

quote:

OP: and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.)

KatyLied: I'm curious about what you mean by this comment. Do you think that subs are unhappy?

I caught this one too. What's up with that? I'd like to know if the OP thinks being sub is inherently being sad?

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/14/2006 6:39:39 PM

dskittyn22

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallLord

We--anybody, but I'm speaking now as someone who's done this as a Dom--lie. BDSM is a great place for easy sex, because female subs are taught that a big part of it is sex, and the community is spread thinly enough that most of the "getting to know you" is done online, and it's easy to lie in an email, in a chat, or on the phone. I know, because I've done it. And I know I'm not the only one whose done it.

Aaaaaand my little trusting heart is broken. Why'd you have to go and burst my bubble? This makes me a little sad, though I respect the "big brother" thing you're trying to do with your friend.

_____________________________

I do it for the joy it brings, 'cause I am a joyful girl, 'cause the world owes me nothing, we owe eachother the world, - Ani DiFranco

(in reply to TallLord)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/15/2006 5:48:37 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Plus you're missing the really important part. You could find her Mr Perfect Dom but unless she's done enough work on herself to match up with him, it won't work. She needs to know for herself, and not because you tell her, what she needs in a relationship and what she will not tolerate. She needs to learn to screen for it and how to keep such a relationship going.

Or do you propose to move in with them and explain to him what she really meant is totally different than what she said. It's her responsibility to become a great and mature person who will appeal to a great and mature man. Because until she does, this presumably perfect dom for her will not think she's suitable for him.

(in reply to dskittyn22)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/15/2006 11:11:33 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

(i promised myself i wouldn't get involved) Introducing friends to friends happens all the time. You know a nice Dom, introduce your subbie friend to Him. Search for Doms to introduce her to??? i see no harm in it as long as you don't make it a crusade.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of co... - 12/15/2006 3:43:00 PM

MasterDoc1

Posts: 173
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

I agree that this is turning into a rorschach test of a sort. First of all I think the OP is perfectly fine in his desire to help the lady out. LA seems to think that any assistance the OP provides undermines his ex-subbies ultimate responsibility for self. I disagree entirely. There is a WIDE difference between SELECTING a new dom for her and assisting her with navigating the rocky road of doms, wanna-bes etc. etc. One is owning, the other is guiding.
To the OP: there is no certain way for you to tell good dom from bad. All I can recommend is thnat you think back to the BS you used to pile on and look carefully for it (or smell it). Advise her on how to elicit information respectfully. And yes you may contact a potential dom for her. I suspect it would be very rare for a dom to rule the lady out because you made the initial contact. At MOST (except for maybe 2%) a dom would say: have the lady contact me directly; not interested in talking through you. And many would be flattered.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 20

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