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Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 11:53:17 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
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I have questions about facing your fears. I have read old threads on the subject and seen references in recent threads..... but I still have questions. I know all Dom/me's are different in how they handle this and I'm not looking for criticisms on how someone didn't handle it the way someone else thinks they should.

My fears are the one thing standing between me and my total surrender to Him. If I could snap my fingers and they would be gone, I'd be the happiest woman on earth, but I can't. They aren't even major issues, but they are major to me. They keep me in a place I don't want to be.

We have met, but due to some distance, He and I interact most often on the phone or online for now. The standard issues of Him being who he says he is, not married, etc do not apply. I know he is what/who he claims to be.

So get to the point already.......... were you ever put in positions of facing your fears without Him/Her being with you, or at least physically there to reassure you or comfort you afterwards? I know myself better than anyone and I feel certain I could face them were he with me. Am I weak or selfish to need the security of His presence? Were you ever required to basically sink or swim without Him/Her there? What about afterwards?

He and I have hit a major bump in our road over this issue, and I suppose this could be a make or break situation. I hate my weaknesses and want to overcome them in order to surrender completely. But there is no little reset button on the back of my head to take back 44 years of experiences that lead me to what I am now.

Yes, he and I are discussing this, but I'm just wondering how others have dealt with this.

Thank you all for your insights....

Post #: 1

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 12:01:26 PM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
Status: offline

I deal with different fears in different ways; no one approach works. Not knowing what the specifics of yours are, all I could say is to find out 'why' you are having these fears and then work on them one by one.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 2

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 12:24:38 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

well, one of my big fears is doing things without Him. we work on that together, but i have to be 'alone' to face those fears. one of the things we've done is that He sent me to a local scene party without Him. He did make sure there was a support network for me and even had me ride with someone. everything went fine but the anticipation of the event was torture. afterwards we talked in depth about what happend at the party and how i felt about different things. i know it's going to happen again and i'm hoping it will be easier this time but it still gives me anxiety. is this what you meant?

(in reply to Serenityy)

Post #: 3

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 12:35:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel
My fears are the one thing standing between me and my total surrender to Him. If I could snap my fingers and they would be gone, I'd be the happiest woman on earth, but I can't. They aren't even major issues, but they are major to me. They keep me in a place I don't want to be.

I can't give much good advice without knowing more specifics on what these fears are. I am not comprehending how the fact that you have fears in your life, and can't simply just "get over them" are holding this relationship back?

quote:

were you ever put in positions of facing your fears without Him/Her being with you, or at least physically there to reassure you or comfort you afterwards?

Yes.

quote:

I know myself better than anyone and I feel certain I could face them were he with me. Am I weak or selfish to need the security of His presence?

Maybe...but being weak or selfish isn't a necessarily bad thing. Again- why do you NEED to face your fears without his presence in order for this relationship to progress? What good will come of it versus waiting until he is with you, or it never happening at all?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 4

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 1:32:52 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Okay, let me just say I had an epiphany moment after posting this, but I'll still try to explain. Please bear with me as it's hard to be so open.

Without giving my boring life history here, I'm sure my fears are the same as many others. Because of past relationships and how I was treated (no pyhsical abuse), I have fears and insecurities that I don't matter, I'm not important, I'll never be enough and that I'll never be anything more than a convenient sex partner for a guy, rather than loved and cherished. In the past, friends have told me I should speak up and tell the guy what I need from him, etc....

I'm not a pushy or demanding person, and I'm sure some of that has to do with not feeling worthy enough to make demands. But I have stepped up on numerous occasions in relationships and stated what I needed. As Dr. Phil would say, "how's that working out for you?" Well it didn't, ever. Which reaffirmed my fears that I wasn't enough and didn't matter to them. There's the part of me that knows I am a good person, a wonderful, sexy, smart, sensual, warm, funny, compassionate woman that deserves more, but I seem to keep making choices that tell me otherwise, feeding my fears and insecurities.

When I was 28, a guy I trusted tried to rape me. He told me I was a filthy slut that needed a real man to put me in my place. He said he could see it in my eyes the first time he laid eyes on me. I fought him until he gave up, but I stopped dating after that and focused on other things in my life, until two years ago when I said ENOUGH. But once I started dating again, it was the same thing as before.

In the middle of a very vanilla relationship a year ago, I started the phase of my personal journey to where I am now. Acceptance and understanding my submissive nature. That relationship ended last spring with two other brief ones to follow until I came to where I am now. My submissive nature has been there as long as I can remember, confusing me and most likely affecting the choices I made in relationships.

In each relationship I gave my everything - probably too much too soon. Yet I was taken for granted and treated like a toy to be played with when it was convenient, although one had at least some depth and caring in it. Basically I guess you could say I was objectified. The attempted rape left me feeling like I was just a thing, a nothing, something dirty and unworthy. That something I was doing sent the message that I could be used and cast aside with no care for the person, the woman inside.

Besides the fears that I'm not worth the trouble, that I'll never be enough, that I don't matter and will once again be taken for granted.... I don't really want to go into specifics here, but I feel that some of the things He has told me to do have brought forth that fear in various manifestations. Because He is not with me physically, the fears become overwhelming to the point that I cannot bring myself to do what he tells me too. Part of it is that I need Him to see me while I do these things for him, so that I know he sees me as the real person and not just the person on the phone or computer. Does that make sense?

I hate feeling this way and I'm sure it sounds totally stupid to some of you, but I can't help it. Were he with me when I'm required to do this stuff, I know I could do it, and completing that task will give me the sense of accomplishment for him, and remove a layer of this fear and further building the trust between us. I can't surrender all of my control to Him, when the fears are controlling that part of me. I know a major part of this is about trust.... I know that. Does it make sense that I trust him with my body, but it's the fears that keep me from trusting him with the rest? I have shared things with him that I've never shared with anyone else, so I'm not holding back on sharing my thoughts, feelings and fears. I also realize that the ball is basically in his court as to whether or not he will help me work through this. And now I come full circle back to the fear that I'm not worth the trouble and he won't.

I hope this makes sense and I apologize for the length.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 1:41:21 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Look, you're still long distance and this is still pretty new.

If you're still having this level of anxiety after 6 months of regular offline contact together, then I'd worry.

I understand you're going to worry anyway, but it won't help and there's nothing really you can DO right now other than what you're already doing. If you want this relationship to work, then work to make it not long distance and accept the restrictions you've chosen for yourself for now.

Oh and stop saying that the ball is in his court- it's just as much in yours. Until you take hold of the ball yourself, no amount of sticking around OR leaving you behind is going to matter.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 6

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 1:52:24 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
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I forgot to add something important. He demands total obedience, so when I couldn't complete this last task, that's where we hit the major bump in the road.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 2:08:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel
I forgot to add something important. He demands total obedience, so when I couldn't complete this last task, that's where we hit the major bump in the road.

This is where those specifics come in. You're insecure, you're scared, we get that.

For some reason he demanded you do X. For some reason, your fear prevented you from doing X.

Without knowing what "X" is, I can't give an opinion on whether I consider X to be a reasonable demand or not.

Despite that, whatever MY level of reasonability is, you both have to decide whether it's reasonable to YOU, whether he's being reasonable or being stupid, whether you're being reasonable or not, and ultimately whether your sense of reasonability can work with his.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 8

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 4:32:33 PM

ScienceBoy

Posts: 114
Joined: 11/21/2006
From: Bristol, UK
Status: offline

Not all fears should be faced.

FAR from all fears should be faced in the company of somebody emotionally involved in that fear, or indeed you.

It sounds like your issue is more about distance to me, but I'm reading between the lines :)

_____________________________

"When God gives you AIDS -- and God DOES, give you AIDS -- make lemonAIDS!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 4:54:03 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

For some reason stuart smally keeps sticking in my head with this one. Look in the mirror and say I'm good enough, I'm smart enough & people like me.
The reality is from the schetchy details you give you're being pushed too fast for your comfort. If you've figured out that having someone there to personally be your safety net is what you need, why are you accepting not having this? Issues of confidence and self esteem are very hands on problems. Cutting off contact because you didn't go to a club or follow some other task should be grounds for discussion. Cutting off contact with a cyber slave is the oldest trick in the book and usually the one that does the most damage.

For example a call to master that goes something like:
So girl did you complete your task?
yes master
So tell me what you looked like, felt and in great detail saw when you went to the club. No no you shouldn't be scared get to the good part. [yank yank yank] Come on tell me what that sub hot, neked blah blah blah.

You then become a vicarious tool for his sexual outlet. They cut off contact and berate you because they want their phone sex fix and you didn't provide it.

Many dominants (including myself) when told a sub hasn't completed a task go straight for the questions of why, what happened, what do you think caused this failure.

Rational fears of I went to the club as you asked and was too freaked out to have this guy touch me in that way, someone approached me and I freaked, or I know it's what you want but I couldn't go neked in front of strangers...are likely to lead to discussion and smaller steps to breaking down of those barriers. By identifying the why's and creating a plan of action for working through an issue not only do you learn something about yourself but you have a plan to work from...a map of baby steps if you will.

Answers of I just didn't want to, have time, won't tell you I'm scared are likely to receive a more fierce response.

Personal growth is not an easy thing. There is a reason this is a multi-BILLION dollar industry. Journals are a cheap and easy way to get a look at why we feel the way we do. It doesn't have to be a fancy one with a topic of the day to write on it can be as simple as a spiral notebook. Write down the who what when where and why of your feelings in detail. When I do x I feel y, I think this is because I don't have a comfort level with my chaperone. Beating yourself up isn't allowed. You're never stupid for feeling what you do, you're looking for solutions. The idea is to find patterns. By finding patterns of behavior you have something concrete to work on and can start finding your list of baby steps.

I digress, reailty is we don't have enough information to say one way or the other whether this guys yanking your chain or has your needs as a priority.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 7:47:16 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I have SO been where you are. I could have written your post a couple of years ago. In fact even over the years I would get "attack of the demons" every so often and my insecurities would take over and here we'd go again.

Some things that helped me:

* "I don't know" is and was never an acceptable answer to any question. "What are you afraid of?" demanded an answer. If I did not know the answer, then I was given time to seriously think about it. I would have to write about it - all my thoughts and suppositions - and send it to him. We would usually talk about it after that. The same applied to "Why didn't you obey me?"

* I am and was to write to him daily about all my thoughts, feelings, fears, joys, etc., with regard to our relationship or anything that was really at the front of my mind. During the height of my fears, I sometimes had to keep a Word document open at work, and every time I had a thought or feeling on the subject at hand, I was to write it down. At the end of the day I would send it to him.

* Those times I was assigned to do something while not physically in his presence, I owed him a report about it, in detail, afterwards. I would describe what was done and how it made me feel before, during and after doing it (depending on what it was - - if it was "Schedule a hair cut" it wasn't that big of a deal, lol). In doing so I could understand my own responses to things and then learn when and why something scared me.

* My focus was to be on him. He became my center. Throughout all I did during the day, he is at the heart of me. Soon I could draw from him and feel his presence, wether or not he was physically near (yes there is a difference, but it helped). He also gave me a safe place to go to in my mind, when I fretted, and that was a particular place with him. To this day when life gets too much I go there for calmness and warmth.

The thing about writing so much is that for me anyway, I always expressed myself better in writing rather than verbally, as I was raised without permission to speak my thoughts. So in writing, I could explore what was in my mind and heart. I believe he assigned me all that writing for my own sake as well as for his. We both learned about me as a result.

It is scary giving yourself over. Especially when all your experiences have been traumatic somehow. Trust me, no snap of the finger is going to get you over these fears (damnit!) - I've tried that! But self reflection will. Revealing yourself will. Giving yourself time to understand and heal from your past will. Talking to others who have experienced something similar will. Talking to your Master/Dom is critical. It's a slow process but for me it was worth every step.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 11

RE: Facing your fears - 12/15/2006 11:35:45 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

ownedgirlie, you don't know how much it means to read what you wrote. On Monday, he started having me write a journal for him, just as you described. I've always been required to send him emails on my assignments and such, and before the journal assignment, I found myself sending him emails when I would feel the need to share something with him. Now I do it daily, sometimes two or three times a day because I want to get my thoughts down while they're fresh.

I hope to one day be in the place of contentment with Him, but I have to do battle with these demons to get there.

Science boy, you're very perceptive about the distance issue.

Thank you to everyone who has responded thus far as each of you has given me food for thought. It's much appreciated.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 12

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 12:31:41 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

I hope to one day be in the place of contentment with Him, but I have to do battle with these demons to get there.

I am glad you were able to find value and something you could relate to in that post. Someone very dear to me once said, "Demons go away, and demons are not real. Whatever you're feeling right now, although a very real emotion, your perception is not necessarily the reality."

I am glad you and he talked, and are working out some tools to help. This shows that he sees in you what you might not be able to see just yet. I know with me, I kept trying to give him excuses to walk away - to prove to him what I already knew, which was that I was not valuable enough to keep. But he was right and I was wrong. That might be the deal in your case, too.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 13

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 2:02:21 PM

andreaC

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/15/2006
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I have fears at times too many......but i am lucky to have Master talk to me. I discuss them with him and most of the time i feel much better about facing my fears, cause he is long distance for now.

When he isnt with me, i just need to think about him and the wise words he told me and succesfully i get through them

For example, i had a final school exam and he helped me relaxed, i was so paranoid, fear of failing again etc....... but i came out passing my exam .............yesssssssssssssss

In my case, talking about all my fears to Master helps me alot, but we all are different.

_____________________________

andreaC - owned by Master Carrera2
Complete and extremely happy :)
Jeg elsker deg Herre

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 14

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 3:27:40 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

There is a sure fire way to get over issues preventing you from committing to a relationship...and by the word "commit" I mean "give yourself to it completely". What you do is think about the alternative. The alternative is "There won't be a relationship". That kinda thinking can be enough of a push to jump over your fears from the past.

Life is a risk. We have to risk to live. If we arent prepared to "risk" ourselves we are only living in the shadow of life. The only failure we can ever experience in life is the non-attempt. If we jump into experiences boots and all, we are always a winner, no matter the outcome.

You want love, give yourself to it. You want companionship, give yourself to it. You want the closeness that comes from submission, give yourself to it. Risk it...

And if it fails...you try again and again and again...and in that you will never fail...you will be living

No one can ever take away from us anything that is real. If you love and it is not returned, does that mean your not a loving person? If you submit and its abused, does that mean you're not submissive? No one can take those things away....no one has the power to..qualities like these flow through you and arent dependent on circumstances, good or bad.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to andreaC)

Post #: 15

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 4:23:17 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

And it's such a hard line. How often do we hear of slaves guilted and shamed by their doms because it was the only way their doms could keep them in line? How many damaged themselves by falling for those tactics rather than standing up for themselves? How do we divine whether this instance is a case of the dom pandering to her fears and insecurities, or whether it really is a path to strength?

I don't think we can, which makes cases such as this very frustrating for me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 16

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 4:38:02 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

Besides the fears that I'm not worth the trouble, that I'll never be enough,

There's a lot going on in your story -- let me address this part.

These are issues of self-esteem and my girl used to have similar feelings. I was about to suggest that she seek therapy for it when I got the bright idea to order her to use the internet to do research about therapy for self-esteem issues. She found websites that had articles dealing with those issues and others.

So I ordered her to read an article a day, and keep a list of articles that hit home so she could revist them. Eventually the messages sunk in and the result was significant positive change for her. But it wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight; I think her success depended on her smarts, desire for change, and me domming her ass to make sure she stuck with it, reported what she was reading, and repeated the important stuff until her thinking changed for the better.

I dunno if something like that would work for you or therapy would be better. But it is sure a lot more effective than if I had just stomped my feet and demanded total obediance.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 12/16/2006 4:49:04 PM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 17

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 4:44:04 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Thank you all so much for the replies. I read something in another thread today that gave me more to think about. *Sometimes I think too much*

But I sent him an email telling him that I had done my part in detailing my wants, needs, desires and fears. I have given him the authority to now deal with them as he sees fit. As slavejali put it, I need to take the chance. Of course I've been doing that with Him all along, but now I take the chance and wait for Him to take action.

And I agree LA that it is frustrating. I know all Dom/me's are different in how they handle things, and often we (subs/slaves) are left trusting that they will handle us and the particulars of the situation properly. I really don't know what else I can do other than what I have, and now I wait. I suppose I'm hoping he has that mythical all knowing Domly wisdom

I read so much about here and will act accordingly.

I know this coming week or so is gonna be hell for me anyway. Besides the emotional roller coaster of this relationship, throw in Christmas anxieties and PMS hormonal overload I know will arrive just before and during Christmas.... Let's just say I might decide to go live in a cave.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 4:49:37 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
There's a lot going on in your story -- let me address this part.

These are issues of self-esteem and my girl used to have similar feelings. I was about to suggest that she seek therapy for it when I got the bright idea to order her to use the internet to do research about therapy for self-esteem issues. She found websites that had articles dealing with those issues and others.

So I ordered her to read an article a day, and keep a list of articles that hit home so she could revist them. Eventually the messages sunk in and the result was significant positive change for her. But it wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight; I think her success depended on her smarts, desire for change, and me domming her ass to make sure she stuck with it. reported what she was reading, and repeating the important stuff until her thinking changed for the better.

I dunno if something like that would work for you or therapy would be better. But it is sure a lot more effective than if I had just stomped my feet and demanded total obediance.

I will see what I can find online as well because I am so tired of feeling this way! I am trying so hard and want to change!

Thank you for sharing what you and your girl did. I really do appreciate it.

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 19

RE: Facing your fears - 12/16/2006 4:57:58 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

i really don't have any fears, per say...more like dislikes

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 20

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