RE: a submissives need for physical contact

RE: a submissives need for physical contact (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

SusanofO -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 8:25:43 PM)
I need physical contact (there are "extenuating circimstances" I can imagine, such as a LDR, where it would be restricted to particular days or a week at a time, perhaps - but believe me, during that time I would want to "make hay while the sun shines", so to speak (and I really do believe it is possible to manage an LDR inteligently and maturely regarding this, btw). But - I need to feel loved that way - I crave it. It's an expression of how I feel about someone, and hopefully, vice-versa. I was married for years to someone who didn't even want me to kiss them most of the time (this situation had evolved in the first years of marriage and did not change with time) - and it just absolutely crushed my spirit. I think this is definitely an area that is worthy of "discussion" if someone's needs are simply being cast aside because they are "just the submissive". - Susan

LordIncantatore -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 8:29:57 PM)
Well no Master casts his submissives needs aside just because they are the submissive. There are times however where their needs are intentionaly left unfufilled for a period of time during training.

SusanofO -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 8:32:28 PM)
Well okay, I understand that. Or if chastity is one of their kinks or whatever. But - I am saying I need to see some physical manifestation of their caring for me. or I just wither. It's that simple. It's intensely emotionally painful for me to not be able to express my love for someone in a physical way. I think in an LDR this is manageable. I'd want to visit them every month or six weeks or so, if possible (I'd pay for the plane fare and hotel (if needed), etc., too. I've got the money, it's not a problem. If they agreed to it, that is). Not sure I am ready for that (but maybe - but this situation is hypothetical for me now), and I know this question was directed at Dominants but that is my perspective - as a submissive, and speaking to my own unique situation. - Susan

dawntreader -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 10:16:02 PM)
Thankyou SusanofO for sharing...i am the same in my need for physical contact and manifestation of the "intangibles" of the relationship. My Master knows this and has been very good at providing for me the contact i need. i "expected" He and i would be together this weekend in spite of an obligation He had to attend so when He chose not to allow me to visit, i was a bit hurt and confused and misinterpreted it as not "needing" me. Crouchingtigress was quite wise in her ability to asses what might be occurring and i truly appreciate her response : "it caused me to wonder, do you know how normal your feelings are..? not only are they normal, they are expected, and a good dominant will utilize yours feelings of neediness, and sexual ache, and desire for intimacy as a tool to craft your submission. " "basically you are being trained...training is in essence the same weather the being is a dog, a horse or a human....establish trust, set boundaries rules and limitations, be the only access they being has to a favored reward, and then you have the full attention of your subject and can more easily mold them to your will.. " While it had always been my intent to discuss my feelings with my Master, the responses from everyone here showed me that at this stage my feelings are normal , thus giving me the ability to speak with Him without using some of my self-defense mechanisms that we are working on eliminating such as "closing up" and "withdrawing". To make this short, i have been rewarded for NOT following old behavior patterns with an "unexpected" visit this week and i am very thankful for this and for the advice that helped make this happen. My gratitude to all who responded ...

DiurnalVampire -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 10:26:56 PM)
Personally, I am on the other side of this coin. I need much MORE physical contact than Angel is necessarily comfy with. We are getting him used to increasing the contact he does get. Its two sided, though, I have to be able to scale down for him, much like your master may have to scale up for you. The longer your together, the more of a balance you'll be able to establish, a happy medium. There are certain physical needs he has that I have learned to use to my advantage, and others that he doesnt have since the girls he knew before me were never affectionate. Its a learning process for us both, but eventually there will be somewhere probebly in between that we are both getting what we need and are happy. My 2 cents, hope it helps DV

dawntreader -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 10:39:15 PM)
Thankyou for Your thoughts and advice. i really do appreciate the kind responses i have recieved :-)

slavejali -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 10:55:02 PM)
quote: Well no Master casts his submissives needs aside just because they are the submissive. Thats not true for every Master...I don't get a lot of my needs fulfilled and its simply because Master doesnt want to...and thats ok with me. He isn't there to pander to me. But saying that...underneath it all .. I am having my desires fulfilled just by being in the relationship...I see all the rest as "topical".

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 11:21:09 PM)
Jali that would crush my spirit for a bit if my Daddy and dom told me to go away. Of course I understand that's me and not any one else.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 11:23:56 PM)
Every once in a while, someone is going to just not be in the mood. Telling them to go away isnt the worst thing in the world. I have done it, and Angel has survived. Its not common for us, but every now and again he will want attention I am just not in the mood to give.

slavejali -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 11:40:14 PM)
quote: Telling them to go away isnt the worst thing in the world. .... I see it that way too....well most of the time...cept when I'm hormonal lol

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/17/2006 11:55:18 PM)
DV Telling me to go away would be extreamly rude and hurtful in my case, however saying I am not in the mood right now ok, or I can't would not. I'm not saying he can't ever not be in the mood, but telling me go away flat out like that would be very rude, and get him some nasty looks.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/18/2006 12:19:23 AM)
For you, maybe it is. In our relationship, Angel and I have had no problems with communication like that. When I am stressed, and he is in the mood to play, I have told him to go away before. He understands that that means I am not in the mood, and more likely than not will not be very sociable for a while. He is allowed to tell me the same thing, though his phrasing has to be different out of respect. Knowing how to talk to your partners is as important as knowing how to address their needs physically. If someone would take offense to me just telling them to go away, I probably wouldnt do it. I just know it isnt going to adversely affect Angel if I do so I dont make an effort to sugar coat it. If he were more sensative, I might have to. DV

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/18/2006 2:19:09 AM)
Dv, it's good for you guys:) I never ment to imply it wasn't if it was taken that way. I just prefere for myself that it'sfrased diffrently:)

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/18/2006 2:21:01 AM)
also cause editing isn't working for me, if someone simply said go away I'd want to know if something was wrong or if I'd done something, saying I'm not in the mood I'd still wonder but it wouldn't concern me overly much. I'm very empathetic and if something's wrong with my partner, I wish to be helpful.

dawntreader -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/18/2006 4:45:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali quote: Well no Master casts his submissives needs aside just because they are the submissive. Thats not true for every Master...I don't get a lot of my needs fulfilled and its simply because Master doesn't want to...and thats ok with me. He isn't there to pander to me. But saying that...underneath it all .. I am having my desires fulfilled just by being in the relationship...I see all the rest as "topical". At some point, i hope to have your confidence and feelings of security - right now, and based on prior brief experiences with other Dominates, i am in a vulnerable season and it would be a major setback for me to be told to "go away".

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/20/2006 3:50:51 PM)
DV I am also trying to work on not being so sensitive, but it's hard because somethings can just send me right into an emotional tail spin for no good reason. Sometimes it just hits me wrong or at a wrong time and poof I am about 2 inche high emotionally.

theRose4U -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/20/2006 9:45:26 PM)
quote: His choosing of vanilla pursuits and His choice not to include me in them (which is a slightly different course than our initial discussions were about).Maybe there is a lesson of sorts in this... Considering the time of the year and the holidays being afoot it would make sense to me that there are functions for which a sub would be required as well as those where the questions about a sub would be distracting. Myself I would require attendance for a company function. Party and all that in most instances means a date is needed. For my family on the other hand, the boy might receive a mention in passing but wouldn't be included in those functions until he had been with me for an extended period of time. Explaining to my family who he is and why he's so attentive would be tiresome. Bringing each sub to these types of functions would create more questions than I'm willing to answer for them. Perhaps it is not a desire to not have your company but an attempt to spare both of you from questions he's not willing to deal with. Part of being an adult is realizing that we don't always get what we want, even from those that love us. This throw the baby out with the bathwater approach seems less than appropriate. Either he sees me because I want it or he doesn't love me. Are you sure that this function is one where your presence would be appropriate or do you just want his time for yourself?

Celeste43 -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/21/2006 5:29:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dawntreader Maybe this is nothing more than me desiring His company this weekend and His choosing of vanilla pursuits and His choice not to include me in them (which is a slightly different course than our initial discussions were about).Maybe there is a lesson of sorts in this... I get the feeling he's seeing family and friends, and although he claimed he wanted to introduce you to them, when it came time he decided not to. Myself, I'd want to know why he changed his mind and why I'm not good enough to be brought along as his new girlfriend. But for us, this is a full relationship which includes everybody knowing we're a couple. Apparently you feel this way but he doesn't. You need to decide if this is enough for you or not because he's unlikely to change his mind about it.

LeatherBentOne -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/21/2006 5:38:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion DV I am also trying to work on not being so sensitive, but it's hard because somethings can just send me right into an emotional tail spin for no good reason. Sometimes it just hits me wrong or at a wrong time and poof I am about 2 inche high emotionally. Hopefully for your sake you will do some thinking and realise that there are reasons why this happens. They're called emotional triggers. My sub is very sensitive and has a tendency to "tail spin" at times. It's as if her self-talk plays the same negative recordings over and over. At first, it was hard for me to understand what I thought was a selfish plea for attention and I dismissed her behavior as such. Then, to be quite honest, I became angry with her when her pleas for attention/contact turned into what might be considered "bratty" behavior. That ended up igniting my "triggers" (not a pretty thing) and needless to say, we were running into communication problems in that the D/s aspect of our relationship was breaking down to the point where we were almost avoiding each other because it was easier than tackling the problem, head on. Also, our relationship is in it's 24/7 real time infancy, only 4 months, which added to my misunderstanding of her as my submissive. Then, it dawned on me ~ attention-getting misbehavior is a sign that I'm either doing something wrong or failing to meet a need somewhere. So, we sat down and talked about it and came to the conclusion that at this point in our relationship, she needed to move beyond what I was giving her in the D/s department. Since I have more experience and she is new, we realised that the goals we set out to achieve in our relationship early on had been reached, and it was her way of telling me she needed more from me and I had been misinterpreting her behavior. In the end, I decided to increase our interaction in various ways and were able to attach symbolic intensity to what we agreed upon and establish some new goals for the two of us. I told her how proud I was of her, applauded her growth by giving her examples, told her I appreciated her submission and apologized for not thinking of this sooner. This means more work on my end but I also realise that combined with the pleasures, I have my reponsibility to take care of my submissive, in more ways than the physical. And, BDSM is never a one-way street. I encourage you to delve into yourself and find out what it is you might be needing emotionally and not getting; whether it is something you need to nurture within yourself or something that your Dom is or isn't doing that needs to be changed. Besides intensifying our relationship, we are looking into building her self-esteem as a joint effort by reading and using a workbook specifically designed for the same. Best wishes, LBO

FelinePersuasion -> RE: a submissives need for physical contact (12/21/2006 6:09:09 PM)
It's usualy not enough real life attention from him , him living in Santa rosa and it being whoever knows when before I see him. Then my tears and moods are triggered so much easier. He's striving to be here every week on his days off from work. Sometimes he sounds mad and it feels like he's coming at me in a grumpy way and I get really little feeling, but he's always good about making sure amd helping me till I get my feelings back under me so to speak, when they get knocked out from under me. I really want him here in Sacramento with me with the fire of a thoughsand wants, but we have to wait. so short of that more rl time.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125