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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:18:32 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: duckfoot
Perhaps you know something I don't, but why do you assume not living together = "long distance relationship"?
I don't live with my partner but it's not a long distance relationship, either. We usually spend about 4 days a week together, either in my house or his.

I would find this arrangement difficult in the long term, so it was hard for me to imagine others doing it voluntarily.

(in reply to duckfoot)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:25:35 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez
trusting another not to be embarrassed or hurt by what they may or may not do when family, friends, or co-workers are around or involved. This final hurdle is very big because it goes against society's beliefs on such a high level that can make it difficult for many to give up that type of control.

By going against societies beliefs, or that of some family and friends, isn't there the likelyhood that there will be some hurt involved?  I liken it to coming out for someone who is gay or bi, but without the same support network and public awareness.  When my ex wife came out to her family about our M/s relationship, things went downhill for us as they were very condemning about it.  When people come out about their BDSM relationship, do they do it with the understanding that there will be some ruffled feathers to say the least in many cases and a willingness to do it anyway?

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:26:57 PM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

I think that's dead on in my past situations.  Is that typical that new submissives have that in public ego hurdle, or are there commonly exceptions?


My property (not my husband) is a slave with a strong fetish for humiliation, abasement, and exposure. It's not his ego that gets in the way of going all-out but the fact that I don't feel like other people need to be subjected to baffling social experiments or other people's perv. I don't think that a mother should be confronted with explaining why that man is wearing a dunce hat and fairy wings to her kid, as thrilling as that would be.



(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:38:39 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
So he arrives and to my surprise, he doesn't immediately blast me with his domliness and mastery. In fact, to me at the time, it seemed like everytime I tried to be a slave to him, he would put up a barrier to it. He kept telling me to relax, we had all the time in the world and that he wanted this relationship to last, he wanted to create a space to get to know me as a person.  He didn't just want a slave, he was greedy and wanted everything. I would kneel, he would tell me to get up, I would do this or that, things I was used to from previous relationship he would put a stop to. It was a really confusing time for me in the beginning.

How long was this period of allowing you to be yourself without the pressure to perform?  What do you think you gained from it, was it a way of letting you find your own desire to serve rather than being anxious about his desire for you to serve him?  I know the difference seems subtle, but it makes a certain sense if I'm hearing you right.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:38:39 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez
trusting another not to be embarrassed or hurt by what they may or may not do when family, friends, or co-workers are around or involved. This final hurdle is very big because it goes against society's beliefs on such a high level that can make it difficult for many to give up that type of control.

By going against societies beliefs, or that of some family and friends, isn't there the likelyhood that there will be some hurt involved?  I liken it to coming out for someone who is gay or bi, but without the same support network and public awareness.  When my ex wife came out to her family about our M/s relationship, things went downhill for us as they were very condemning about it.  When people come out about their BDSM relationship, do they do it with the understanding that there will be some ruffled feathers to say the least in many cases and a willingness to do it anyway?


I'm not certain the passage you're referring to necessitates "coming out".  Simply that there is a high level of trust required for the giving up of control outside the bedroom, because (as you correctly noted) the stakes are rather high.  And those stakes remain high even when the desire is to keep the nature of your relationship dynamic a private matter.
 
The trust, then, is to subject one's self to their partner's control in the full knowledge that the exercise of that control may "blow your cover" so to speak. 
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:39:39 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Angel and I are D/s almsot exclusively outside the bedroom.  While this will change once I am living closer, our relationship as of yet has ben mainly nonsexual. It is a TPE, being long distance for now has not changed the power I hold or how we interact.  I know everything that goes on in his everyday life, and I excercise my control when I want to.  I dont see a reason to micromanage his every waking moment, becasue I trust that he can take care of himself when he and I are apart as long as he knows my guidelines. We are working around a school schedule, so that reality makes it harder to get the imediate attention I want when I want it.  By my command, school comes before our relationship especially since we are mainly on the phone.  This will not be a problem since when I move I will be within 10 minutes of campus and we will not have to split time between school and me as we did when he was calling. In our face to face time, however, there was no hurdle to our public interaction.  We spent time with his friends, and I was able to remain firmly in command, through small gestures and comments which he understod even if they did not.  We do not lose our place just becase we have gone public. We blend very nicely into vanilla public becasue we have to.  We are both going to be, and healready is, very active in the community where he is. It would not do to have him outted, so we work around it.
I have been in several very successful D/s relationships before this one that were equally suited for in and out of the bedroom. I suppose that if you can communicate wel enough and learn the subtlties of commands when no one else can read them, you should have no trouble keeping your command he you are out. 

Hope this makes sense... cold medicine makes it hard to think
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:48:21 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		  Bravo!  Your relationship sounds much like the best parts of my first year with my ex, but without the problems to do with coming out.

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 3:33:21 PM   
blmtrsne


Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		In our relationship (slave/husband), I'm the Boss 24 hours a day,
and my first command is: Act normal till I give you an order.
Second rule: I might decide something for you (What to eat in a restaurant, how to dress...), and you will not act surprised and do what is expected of you.

If I have to order hubby around 24 hours a day, I would be very tired, and I would be catering to my slave. So, I show everyone who's the Boss when I feel like it.And mainly that lmeans my slave gets things forme, pampers me... It's obvious behaviour, but in a discreet natural way. Women tend to remark something is wrong, and afther a while they just know what is happening.

_____________________________

-- Owner of slrn733561 --

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 3:45:09 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:

How long was this period of allowing you to be yourself without the pressure to perform?  What do you think you gained from it, was it a way of letting you find your own desire to serve rather than being anxious about his desire for you to serve him?  I know the difference seems subtle, but it makes a certain sense if I'm hearing you right.


I don't really know..even to this day when I look back...it was like being walked along a path with no obvious signals and you wake up one day and realise you have arrived....and I got there without making any conscious choices of my own apart from my initial choice to submit to him. Basically I had to give up my ideals of slavery to become his slave...kinda sorta..if that makes sense. It was this very natural process without fanfare or the usual "in your face" signals.

Most relationships start out with a "honeymoon period" full of lust and excitement..and then at some point the reaility of "relationship" settles in. We never had a honeymoon period, if there ever was one, it was while we were chatting on the internet exploring the possibilities of a life together. By the time we came together in actuality, where we were going was "set"...it just had to be applied, my "job" was to submit and I did. Rather than our relationship starting out all hot and with wild play etc...it started kinda calmly from a basic agreement that I would submit to him...I had already assessed his potential as a life partner and Master...our coming together was rather clinical actually (all tools required for a sucessful "operation" had been set in place)...I just had to trust the process.

Benefits to that? We knew from the very beginning we had a strong foundation for "relationship", it was that we built on rather than the superficial stuff that comes and goes. Like really, I can't see Master caning me when Im 85 years old hey. We will be using canes to walk with then, instead of play. Our relationship is based on D/s, that won't change...and the D/s has been born from a compatability and mergence of personal qualities. Our love has grown from that mergence.

To sum it up, I don't see D/s as play but a fundamental ingredient to a successful relationship when two "with it" people get together who know where they are at. I don't even really see D/s as particularly BDSMish. However perhaps the BDSM community itself would have a better time understanding and accepting our relationship in this modern world.

I guess I've rambled on a bit..but hope it gives you an insight into how I've experienced a D/s M/s relationship can and does work away from sex and play. Thes sex and play are just bonuses.

The D/s is not a kink to me. All aspects of play is though. Instead of playing monopoly, we do things like cut into my flesh, stick me with needles and bruise me up all nicely and there are no get out of jail free cards 

quote:

How long was this period of allowing you to be yourself without the pressure to perform?

I guess it took as long as it took for me to stop performing.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:05:24 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
I don't even really see D/s as particularly BDSMish.

D/s is part of BD/sM, so I'm not sure what you mean except maybe that BDSM conjures images of leather and latex and role play for you more than anything else?

< Message edited by akbarbarian -- 12/20/2006 4:07:02 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:10:24 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Well, how I see it is, the part of BDSM that is exclusive to BDSM is the sensation play.

D/s can even be found in vanilla relationships. BDSM cannot lay ownership rights on the expression and living of  D/s within relationship.

Like really, if you wanna pick the clothes out of your partner, you don't have to be involved in bdsm, all you need to find is a lovely submissive girl who enjoys you doing that.

Actually "ass slapping" during sex is in the Kama Sutra..so BDSM doesnt even have exclusive rights to sensation play ...maybe BDSM in and of itself is "just" kink to me.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/20/2006 4:25:06 PM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:45:03 PM   
Serenityy


Posts: 97
Status: offline
quote:

D/s is part of BD/sM, so I'm not sure what you mean except maybe that BDSM conjures images of leather and latex and role play for you more than anything else?

Not everyone is going to agree that D/s is a part of BDSM. For some, BDSM is nothing more than the 'kink' that is an added bonus to the dynamic itself.

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:47:45 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		So you mean you don't have to be involved in the other aspects of BDSM such as S&M to have D/s in your relationship?  Well to me that's a given.  I looked at BDSM at being an inclusive term, not one where you have to like all things BDSM to be called a BDSM oriented person.  My tastes run the gamut, and include more than D/s alone, but I see what you are getting at I just got my potato mixed up with a potato so to speak.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:47:59 PM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline 		Actually, I think BDSM is made up of people with a kink for definitions.  

(in reply to Serenityy)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:56:52 PM   
Serenityy


Posts: 97
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

Actually, I think BDSM is made up of people with a kink for definitions.  

LOL, you could very well be correct in that assumption; though it is not my place to say

(in reply to MaryT)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:04:00 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

From the very begining, My Master always made a point of saying that our D/s path would be one that we would establish together, that would grown and evolve over time, according to our needs.  We consider our relationship to be 24/7, but he only controls what he wants to control.  At first, I thought TPE, 24/7 would mean I would always be naked and in chains (lol...how dull that would have been).  Now, i understand that for us anyway, it is a mindset, a constant awareness of the structure and dynamic of our relationship.  It doesn't matter what we are doing, who we are with, or even if we are apart - He is my Master, and at any time he can restrict, limit, demand and I will respond. 

For the most part however, we are a simple couple who happen to be in love.  He doesn't micromanage, he doesn't have protocol that I have to follow, and yet we both understand who has the power at all times.  He doesn't have to be exercising the power in order to have it.  It's just something that is there, and he uses it when it is needed.  I've never yet resented any restrictions, or been opposed to any task or chore he's given me.  I am delighted to obey. 

It really is a unique path that you will develop with your submissive....mostly based on your temperment and personality, her needs, and what you will want to build together.  It truly is a team effort, and blazing the trail together can build a wonderful connection between the two of you.  Have fun.


Oh, i agree wholeheartedly! Master and i often say we pretend to be a vanilla couple in company, but we know the reality.

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

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(in reply to darksdesire)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:06:11 PM   
Serenityy


Posts: 97
Status: offline
quote:

Oh, i agree wholeheartedly! Master and i often say we pretend to be a vanilla couple in company, but we know the reality.

Maybe I am just being dense, but I have to ask this question. Why would you pretend to be something that you are not in the company of others?

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 6:16:25 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		Oh, i did think of a pitfall in the relationship that i have with my Master and that is that sometimes i still think that i know what's best for me and i will decide in my own head that i really don't need to go to bed at 11:00PM, like He says but, then, of course, i run myself into the ground and wind up exhausted and not as functional as i am when i get enough sleep and then Master get's mad at me and has to punish me.  Other than that, there really is no downside to what W/we have together.

Also, i failed to mention before, that another benefit that Master has in O/our relationship is having a warm and eager mouth ready to suck Him dry whenever He wants, whether the liquid He dispenses into me is white or yellow (of course, that is a benefit for me, as well)

People who see U/us interact in public mainly just see me as very respectful and maybe somewhat "old fashioned" in how i  behave.  They don't see the BDSM, my marks are always kept out of public view and i only call Him "Sir", never Master around others and His name for me, in public, is very simply, "joy" but, W/we know what W/we are to each other and that's what matters.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

  Bravo!  Your relationship sounds much like the best parts of my first year with my ex, but without the problems to do with coming out.

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 7:16:31 PM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalira

Even though Master and I do not live together, we have a TPE relationship; and it is in place at all times; 24/7/365.

I'm not sure how that's possible.  I mean sure you could try, I've tried a few things long distance.  So much is harder that way at any rate, but if you both want somthing badly and it's on your minds all the time I'm sure you could overcome alot.


Why not?  It's about how much authority over the property's life the owner has.  That can be had at a distance as well as living together.

It's more *difficult*, perhaps, or maybe easier for it to be faked, or whatever - but it's certainly *possible*.

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 7:18:06 PM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

From the very begining, My Master always made a point of saying that our D/s path would be one that we would establish together, that would grown and evolve over time, according to our needs.  We consider our relationship to be 24/7, but he only controls what he wants to control.  At first, I thought TPE, 24/7 would mean I would always be naked and in chains (lol...how dull that would have been).  Now, i understand that for us anyway, it is a mindset, a constant awareness of the structure and dynamic of our relationship.  It doesn't matter what we are doing, who we are with, or even if we are apart - He is my Master, and at any time he can restrict, limit, demand and I will respond. 

For the most part however, we are a simple couple who happen to be in love.  He doesn't micromanage, he doesn't have protocol that I have to follow, and yet we both understand who has the power at all times.  He doesn't have to be exercising the power in order to have it.  It's just something that is there, and he uses it when it is needed.  I've never yet resented any restrictions, or been opposed to any task or chore he's given me.  I am delighted to obey. 

It really is a unique path that you will develop with your submissive....mostly based on your temperment and personality, her needs, and what you will want to build together.  It truly is a team effort, and blazing the trail together can build a wonderful connection between the two of you.  Have fun.


What you describe here is very similar to our relationship.  We don't make it, it just *is*.


(in reply to darksdesire)
Profile   Post #: 60
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