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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 7:32:27 PM

Mavis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

It doesn't matter what we are doing, who we are with, or even if we are apart - He is my Master, and at any time he can restrict, limit, demand and I will respond.

He doesn't have to be exercising the power in order to have it.

i haven't finished the thread yet, but wanted to comment on those two thoughts.. so simply stated, but that's all of it in a nutshell, isn't it? Perfect.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 9:11:13 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Serintiy it's not always appropriate to flaunt your D/s edness or to be kinky in front of certain company. Certain company requires low key quote unquote normal behavior. IE non kinky behavior non TEP behavior

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 12:25:55 AM

patina

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

You've touched on the submissives ego. That which they are willing to give up in private but guard in public. Generally speaking it's the inexperienced that set the limit of "in house" only. The experienced have let their ego go and are more comfortable with themselves, and who they are, that others opinions or reactions are of no significance. The completely committed wear thier submission proudly. It's a growth process that for whatever reason usually starts sexually. I'm a firm believer that submission and sex are two completely different things. Just one guys opinion.

I am not sure if this is so true. I have seen a lot of posts where the person said they had to be careful because of family, or job. They were in a high profile position or their family was in a public oriented type of life style.

I was shoping with my mother the other day, in our small mall. I was explaining to her why I had bought a certain type of shoes. She kept looking around afraid someone would overhear my words, it is embarassing to her to talk about BDSM and sex anywhere any time. I myself could care less who overhears me or knows what I do. I have no care of their opinion of me. Maybe if I worked and had a high profile job then it would matter.

I am inexperienced in this life, I have been submissive all my life but did not understand what it was until 4 yrs ago. I was under consideration of a man who said he has been in this life for the past 30 some years but his own family knows nothing about him being in BDSM. That has nothing to do with experience. It has to do with fear of others knowing what you do. Fear of others opinion about your own self.

Patina

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 2:22:51 AM

MaamJay

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Firstly, i agree with those who say it is not always appropriate to flaunt your D/s or kink in front of others ... Safe, Sane and Consensual refers to the people who observe it as well as those who do it! So i am all in favour of subtle signals, little ways to maintain control or to serve without them being obvious to all and sundry. Waiters in a restaurant will never know the reason i order for "the Gentleman" ... ie that it is His will for me to do so!

Secondly, re coming out to friends, family etc ... Master and i are "out" to those whom W/we believed would (a) not be phased by this knowledge and (b) with whom W/we interact often enough for them to otherwise be curious about little signs and signals and with whom W/we hoped W/we could be O/our natural selves. Those people have reacted very well ... some showed initial curiosity and then decided they just didn't want or need more info, others continue to ask more questions as things go. However, they don't bat an eyelid if i refer to Master as Master or by His first name, and that is a relief. Some initiated the discussions with questions, and, similar to telling children about sex, W/we operated on the "If they're ready to ask the questions, they're probably ready to hear the answers" principle! However, neither of U/us believed that "parents" fitted into that category, so around them W/we are discreet. Essentially O/our tenet is "First do no harm" ... while it might benefit U/us, that's not the only nor the most important consideration.

As far as work goes, i'm the one with the very high profile job as well as hobbies ... i am known by wayyyy too many people in my state! (Another good reason to be moving soon!). So even though i have sometimes been terribly tempted to confide in colleagues (esp. one of whom i am sure is a natural Domme with a very sub male partner!), i have controlled this urge for the risks don't outweigh the benefits. That is why i don't post a pic here for eg, just wouldn't be worth the risk. People mustn't judge someone as not being real or sincere if they are unwilling to go public, there could be very good reasons for their discretion!

Finally, it's been a treat to see the OP responding to the replies in this thread ... too often i end up wondering if the OP has even bothered to look at the discussion they started!

Regards
violet[A] aka Maam Jay

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 3:46:42 AM

julietsierra

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To quote that great seaman, Popeye: "I yam what I yam"

And he is what he is.

We don't live together. But our dynamic is in place 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. (Ok, so I'll just say I sleep submissively to stop all those "how are you submitting when you're sleeping" arguments. :) )

It's in place at work: I have a multitude of bosses, but when I need an answer, I go to him first. We share information without violating the confidentiality standards our places of work have set up, we share techniques and we share ideas. If he says he's doing something at his place of employment in a certain manner, I ask for a template and more often than not, it's accepted at my place of employment. What's even nicer, I get to accept the accolades for being so thorough. To me, this seems so natural as to even presume it's a vanilla situation - but it very much isn't.

It's in place at home: I do not have free reign. He is solidly in charge. What's worse, very much like those bracelets WWJD...my family members now say "What would R want you to do?" - the little tattletails!!

It's in place with my friends - I clear everyone I invite over with him - especially if they're male. If friends of mine stop by, I let him know - every single time. I clear everyone that comes out on the boat with me. I don't invite single men out with me. I don't go to friends' houses unless I've spoken to him. The only places I end up going without telling him are to my folks' during the summer when they're in town - but even then, since he knows my schedule, he knows when I'm there.

When I had work to do around my house, and a friend of mine agreed to work for me, it was a business situation - and I still asked him if I could have that friend over to do the work.

It's in place in public - I clear where I go and when I go with him. And he has NO problem telling me I can't go somewhere if he thinks I'm going to be unsafe.

For us, this was all a natural progression. Things happened which influenced the development of some of these situations - for instance, my car being car-jacked last year started the whole thing about telling him where I am going, etc.

I think the biggest deterent to this depth of D/s in other situations I've been in has been the "role play" aspect of it all. I don't role play. I am just who I am - all the time. He doesn't "play" at being a dominant, with time off for other activities. He simply is who he is and it encompasses all of his life, all the time. I'm not going to go to the bathroom whille at work and masturbate. I'm not going to wear all sorts of inappropriate things to my place of employment because I want to keep my job and I won't risk my certificate just to prove someone's control over me. But I really do think "What would R want me to do in this situation?" before I do it - each and every time.

As far as a "how-to"...

Do what comes naturally, don't put your partner at risk on a whim, don't make too large a leap (do things in small steps), and simply be yourself. To me, that's the biggest freedom I have - and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

juliet

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 4:36:48 AM

Serenityy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

Serintiy it's not always appropriate to flaunt your D/s edness or to be kinky in front of certain company. Certain company requires low key quote unquote normal behavior. IE non kinky behavior non TEP behavior

Ah, OK. I thank you kindly for your answer

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 5:09:31 AM

BDSM05478

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I realized something while reading this thread, I take for granted that everone has the amount of open and honest communacation w/ their partner that I had. I can not truithfully answer "how did you get to the level you are with your D or s?" I can not chart the steps we took and I could never sum up all the conversations we had before we even met rt. I could tell you the time line and for most it is unbelievable but that is how it is when you find your "one" whether nilla or kink you just "know". Daddy and I fist talked in May 2004, first met for 3days in sept that year, he moved in with me 12/8 and we got married 21 days later. Like all relationships things evolve, situations change, somethings come up but you talk about it, talk through it and then talk again in hindsight how it could have played out differently. In the beginning I thought I was a masochist just looking for a Dom, two happy years later I am not interested in erotic pain as much, can not even remember the last "scene" we had but every moment I am submissive to him, enslaved by my love for him and very thankfull he had the patience of a saint at times with me. What so many said is true.... if you met us in passing you would never know..... it is more like being lead down a path instead of crammed into a mold......you never see "it" actually taking place more like you look at your D one day and it hits you all at once.... He/She owns you totally, you can never even imagine how you lived any other way, and sometimes we take for granted how we got there cause it seems so simple after you get to that point you can't see why alot of others are having all this difficulty finding their niche'...... anyway thats my moment of realization today and as I am fond of saying "a moment of realization is worth a thousand prayer" courtesy of Micky Knox *winks*

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 9:23:28 PM

akbarbarian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Serenityy

quote:

Oh, i agree wholeheartedly! Master and i often say we pretend to be a vanilla couple in company, but we know the reality.

Maybe I am just being dense, but I have to ask this question. Why would you pretend to be something that you are not in the company of others?

Well there are risks involved for sure, but I totally dig having people know what I have whether they appreciate, approve, or however. I don't go looking for trouble, but at the same time I get off on knowing other people know somthing even if they can't identify it exactly. Everyone will use caution according to their own comfort level, but I like being noticable if not obvious. Being close to obvious suits me fine.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/21/2006 9:33:55 PM

akbarbarian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
Firstly, i agree with those who say it is not always appropriate to flaunt your D/s or kink in front of others ... Safe, Sane and Consensual refers to the people who observe it as well as those who do it! Master and i are "out" to those whom W/we believed would (a) not be phased by this knowledge and

That sounds like halfway inbetween in the bedroom and being totally out to me. It may work for you, being mostly invisible, but it's out and proud for me. I'd march in D/s rights parades if I could. Once upon a time gays were shamed into thinking they should even if accepted, be invisible. "Don't ask don't tell" comes to mind and it applied to more than just the military, though that's where it's most famous. Being outed risked the jobs of many people as well, and still does. Thankfully we are moving beyond that mode of thinking. I would like to see us become as progressive as gays have, both in their self awareness as well as their public awareness. I co-led a GBLC group in my home town (Gay Bi Lesbian Community).

< Message edited by akbarbarian -- 12/21/2006 9:39:33 PM >

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/22/2006 4:27:17 AM

twicehappy

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Good morning.

Yes i have had this in the past and i have it now.

I was in the same M/s relationship for 18 years and in my current one for the almost a year now.

Both have been 24/7 live in M/s relationships.

For me if it is not happening out of the bedroom it will not happen in the bedroom.

Hmmmm, maybe if they are not strong enough to take it and keep it i do not want it, lol.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/22/2006 4:32:41 AM

twicehappy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

That sounds like halfway inbetween in the bedroom and being totally out to me. It may work for you, being mostly invisible, but it's out and proud for me.

Lmao..... I have called "Master" out loud in a store looking for Scooter. He is Master and people can get over it, the end.

No we do not practice kink in front of innocents but we never hide who or what we are either.

And bravo to you, your sentiments on becoming a united front and working towards bdsm acceptance is something i too have brought up on these boards.

Boy did i get flamed.

On that note; here is your flame retardent suit, the firewall has been extended, the bomb shelter is in the basement, welcome to Collarme.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/22/2006 2:29:14 PM

akbarbarian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

That sounds like halfway inbetween in the bedroom and being totally out to me. It may work for you, being mostly invisible, but it's out and proud for me.

Lmao..... I have called "Master" out loud in a store looking for Scooter. He is Master and people can get over it, the end.

No we do not practice kink in front of innocents but we never hide who or what we are either.

And bravo to you, your sentiments on becoming a united front and working towards bdsm acceptance is something i too have brought up on these boards.

Boy did i get flamed.

On that note; here is your flame retardent suit, the firewall has been extended, the bomb shelter is in the basement, welcome to Collarme.

Hear hear, and if vanillas can kiss and hug and relate to each other out loud as husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend (or other gender combinations), but they can't strip naked and perform public sexual acts we should have the same rights and limitations. Of course I like riding the edge of some of those limitations at times, just so long as we're not caught. I have been called "Master" outloud when shopping at well, but it was when my ex wasn't thinking about what she was saying. I was elated, if a little nervous. She was unaware she had even said it afterwards, and didn't continue to do that in the future.
Thanks for the welcome twicehappy. The flame retardent suit sounds nice, but the bombshelter is just what I'm going to have to live without becase if I can't resist a few naysayers here (gladly there seem to be few to none) how am I going to deal with the vanilla population?

United we stand!

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 3:08:52 AM

andreaC

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Master and I do not live together for now, but no matter where we are, He is in charge...im not. If we are in public, He will give me a look that says it all.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 6:51:07 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear akbarbarian, Ladies and Gentlemen;

My first relationship lasted 9 years, to which it was polyandry in the last 6 years. I have had other relationships but, they didn't last as long. However, I must disclose that my slaves were also active military. So, US Government was more the "master" then I at times and caused some parting of ways but, never due to our relationships.

That said, I don't have the 'master book of successful relationships.' In my mind's eyes, we're dealing with individual people which requires getting to know the person that is underneath the many layers presented under the 'slave' skin per se. So many individuals have their own history, which may include terrible baggage and enter the lifestyle for the wrong reasons indeed. It takes time to get to the 'behind the dark closet door' as to know the person better and, why -- perhaps the spirit of intent to submission/service to me. It takes a lot of time and investment in another however, it is worth it to me to weed out those who use the situation to make somebody else haul their ashes, to escape reality, to escape life and or other variety of excuses hidden under the guise of submission and or dominance.

My style is geared to a Master/slave relationship. I am not a 'powder puff' per se, despite wearing gowns, mink and gloves--I do have a preference to Gay Leather and military styles of high protocols and mannerisms, added with a more Imperial style of protocol and rituals.
Therefore, I am unique and quite different--thus a hard fit. My success has been with military who have had ceremonial posts and or assignments, such as foreign missions/embassy; honor details and body guard/special protections, aide de camp is another successful area and the like.

In my mind's eyes I see, it is folly to believe that my common pitfalls will be common to you and or any other reader of my written reply. I fully believe that successful relationships are not defined by the lifestyle but, define the lifestyle for our (in general) current relationship. Each of mine have been different and each person who entered the lifestyle as an individual and or in a polyandry situation; has brought new considerations, new negotiations and new problem solving issues to the table; which required lengthy communication and understanding. Without 'understanding' communication is rather vague, in my mind's eyes. In addition, there are compromises but, not so as to break anybody's comfort levels.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 8:34:24 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

So do tell, does it work, and what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen? If it doesn't work, I'm going to pull the earth over myself now because I wasn't made for this earth. So I'm hoping for helpful yes and how-to!

Yes it works... works very well....

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 9:52:48 AM

ownedgirlie

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I can pretty much echo Julietsierra's post.

I do not live with my Master but the following occurs:

I go to him whenever beckoned, for whatever reason, at whatever time of day, for whatever duration of time. I ask permission for all social visits - whether a friend is coming over or I want to go out, and with whom, even family. He knows where I am at all times; when I arrive to work, when I go/return from meetings, when I go to lunch, when I leave, if I stop by the store on my way home, etc. He knows the intricate details of most things happening in my life - he oversees and guides me through all of it. He manages the way I think, the things I eat, the people I see, the clothes I wear (he lets me decide what to wear but I report to him every morning what I am wearing), my health, my school, my finances, and my job. For some of these things, managing them means delegating authority to me to handle them. But I report to him about them still, and if at any time he thinks I am not doing something well, he will instruct me differently.

This is all D/s. So far I have not mentioned anything BDSM related as one does not automatically include the other in our world. In our case, D/s does include BDSM activity, which is just an expression of his dominance and my submission. I am his toy and he likes to play with me. The activities in the bedroom are whatever he wants them to be, and I will comply. Sometimes I greatly enjoy it; sometimes I do not. Sometimes such activity is used to bring me to a particular mindset, or a particular strength, or to develop my self confidence. Someteimes it's just for him to have fun. In all of it, I flourish.

As for "how to," He takes the time to understand my mind and heart thoroughly and make decisions for me based on that knowledge. Personally I think he's brilliant at what he does, but then I am just a little biased.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 10:34:38 AM

TypeAsub1

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This is a very narrow and judgemental view of others. Some people have careers which require them to be leaders, and managers in control of others and to be regarded as wholly capable of managing difficult and challenging situations.

If someone 'wears their submission on their sleeve' it can be easily misconstrued as weakness outside of the d/s relationship. The need to protect that submission is not necessarily a matter of ego or pride, but rather an understanding that the world around us can't often conceive of someone who is both submissive and a capable, powerful person in one package.

Hell - even within the bdsm 'community' there are doms who believe they can walk up to any submissive and refer to her as slave, slut, cunt etc. If even those among us are unable to respect a submissive, how are we to expect those outside of bdsm to comprehend it.

It is unacceptable to assume that you know why any given person chooses to keep their relationship and its dynamic private. We should merely respect people's choices and be happy with our own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

You've touched on the submissives ego. That which they are willing to give up in private but guard in public. Generally speaking it's the inexperienced that set the limit of "in house" only. The experienced have let their ego go and are more comfortable with themselves, and who they are, that others opinions or reactions are of no significance. The completely committed wear thier submission proudly. It's a growth process that for whatever reason usually starts sexually. I'm a firm believer that submission and sex are two completely different things. Just one guys opinion.

< Message edited by TypeAsub1 -- 12/24/2006 10:41:53 AM >

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 10:36:23 AM

SirDiscipliner69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

This is a very narrow and judgement view of others. Some people have careers which require them to be leaders, and managers in control of others and to be regarded as wholly capable of managing difficult and challenging situations.

If someone 'wears their submission on their sleeve' it can be easily miscontstrued as weakness outside of the d/s relationship. The need to protect that submission is not necessarily a matter of ego or pride, but rather an understanding that the world around us can't often conceive of someone who is both submissive and a capable, powerful person in one package.

Hell - even within the bdsm 'community' there are doms who believe they can walk up to any submissive and refer to her as slave, slut, cunt etc. If even those among us are unable to respect a submissive, how are we to expect those outside of bdsm to comprehend it.

It is unacceptable to assume that you know why any given person chooses to keep their relationship and its dynamic private. We should merely respect people's choices and be happy with our own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

You've touched on the submissives ego. That which they are willing to give up in private but guard in public. Generally speaking it's the inexperienced that set the limit of "in house" only. The experienced have let their ego go and are more comfortable with themselves, and who they are, that others opinions or reactions are of no significance. The completely committed wear thier submission proudly. It's a growth process that for whatever reason usually starts sexually. I'm a firm believer that submission and sex are two completely different things. Just one guys opinion.

Nice insight

Ross

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 10:48:23 AM

akbarbarian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

This is a very narrow and judgemental view of others. Some people have careers which require them to be leaders, and managers in control of others and to be regarded as wholly capable of managing difficult and challenging situations.

If someone 'wears their submission on their sleeve' it can be easily misconstrued as weakness outside of the d/s relationship. The need to protect that submission is not necessarily a matter of ego or pride, but rather an understanding that the world around us can't often conceive of someone who is both submissive and a capable, powerful person in one package.

Hell - even within the bdsm 'community' there are doms who believe they can walk up to any submissive and refer to her as slave, slut, cunt etc. If even those among us are unable to respect a submissive, how are we to expect those outside of bdsm to comprehend it.

It is unacceptable to assume that you know why any given person chooses to keep their relationship and its dynamic private. We should merely respect people's choices and be happy with our own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

You've touched on the submissives ego. That which they are willing to give up in private but guard in public. Generally speaking it's the inexperienced that set the limit of "in house" only. The experienced have let their ego go and are more comfortable with themselves, and who they are, that others opinions or reactions are of no significance. The completely committed wear thier submission proudly. It's a growth process that for whatever reason usually starts sexually. I'm a firm believer that submission and sex are two completely different things. Just one guys opinion.

It's hard ground to break in any case. His observation about the reason a new sub would resist might not be apt for all situations, but I bet it's a common reason just the same. I know a gay male bottom, who has a sugar daddy in WA. They have a discrete relationship since he's in politics and feels that being out would threaten his career. Being out about a non traditional sexuality can do that. As for submissives being seen as weak and easy, perhaps looking to military protcol would help. Be an obedient hardass, and only obedient to your "superior officer".

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/24/2006 10:58:54 AM

TypeAsub1

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Interesting - in another place someone made a military reference which I found interesting. You might also enjoy it. It's from Gen. John A LeJeune, the spiritual father of the modern Marine Officer Corps:

The relationship of a senior to a junior is not that of a master to a slave or an owner to a servant, but rather that of a teacher to a scholar or a father to a son, in the that the senior is resposible for the physical, mental and moral well-being and education of the junior

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
It's hard ground to break in any case. His observation about the reason a new sub would resist might not be apt for all situations, but I bet it's a common reason just the same. I know a gay male bottom, who has a sugar daddy in WA. They have a discrete relationship since he's in politics and feels that being out would threaten his career. Being out about a non traditional sexuality can do that. As for submissives being seen as weak and easy, perhaps looking to military protcol would help. Be an obedient hardass, and only obedient to your "superior officer".

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