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when a relationship ends and you want a new one to begi... - 12/21/2006 6:11:25 PM   
backinthesaddle


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		i need some advice. my D/s relationship which was intense and mostly 24/7, it ended a few months ago. it's been difficult to talk about. i have currently met a domme on the site and she is very wonderful. i guess what im asking is how do i slowly give control to this new domme when i'm not ready to start a intense relationship (sex) with her?

thanks
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 6:24:04 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Communication is always welcome here.  You should have already mentioned your history.  Letting her know that the sexual side is slower to be 'ready' than the submission side is good information for her.  She can decide if your situation is right for her.

Also, depending on the Domme, her interests might not necessarily be sexual as part of your training.  I'm guessing that you already know that it is, or you wouldn't be asking.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 6:48:01 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, a man that doesn't expect immediate sex. Wish more like you lived in my area. While most men are turned off by women that don't immediately put out, a woman is likely to respect a man for that (if she's lucky enough to find one). I got so tired of men pressuring me that when I finally met one who said he didn't want sex, I totally fell for him. Women are pretty understanding about these things, trust me.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 12/21/2006 6:51:08 PM >

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 7:06:18 PM   
backinthesaddle


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		should training just be involved? playing/scenes? dating? any takers.?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 7:19:52 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backinthesaddle

should training just be involved? playing/scenes? dating? any takers.?


It depends on who it is and what their personal agenda is. Some on here would have you in chastity from day one. Some would smack you around and have their way with you the first trip out of the box. Depends who you're talking about as to how patient they would be.


_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 7:46:22 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		What kind of step would you take if you were in a vanilla relationship? This is still a relationship.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 8:44:07 PM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		However you proceed, best of luck. Getting back on the horse, as the saying goes, is extremely tough sometimes.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/21/2006 9:23:09 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backinthesaddle

should training just be involved? playing/scenes? dating? any takers.?



That's something you're going to need to think about and decide for yourself.   To me, the question you seem to obviously need to ask yourself first off is whether or not you're over your previous Domme?  If the answer is no, then you need to be honest about this with the new woman you are starting things with now!  Why?  Because you're not yet fully emotionally available to her yet!  If this is the case, its my opinion that at the very least, you need to limit your contact with the new one to vanilla dating only until you feel you have let go of your attachment to the previous Domme!

That having been said, what does giving your submission to a woman mean to you and how does it affect you?  This is something you really need to know before you decide whether to be trained or to have any kind of non-sexual scenes.  I can say that for me, when I begin to submit, and I mean really submit to a woman, letting her have control, I lose control of my ability to differentiate between my submission and other emotions.  Bottom line, the more I submit, the deeper I fall for a woman.  So if you haven't let go of your feelings for your previous Domme, the last thing it would seem to me that you'd want to do, is to allow yourself to submit to another woman if you're at all wired like me!

This is why I believe you are being wise not to have sex with this new woman until you know her better.  At the same time, its my opinion that the same probably applies to your submission as well.  Until things are right within your heart and the feelings from the past are at rest, just enjoy getting to know her better as a woman and a person.  When that happens, you will know that you are ready and are free to move forward.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/22/2006 5:30:44 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backinthesaddle

should training just be involved? playing/scenes? dating? any takers.?


I'd say go really slow and be up front about how you are feeling and the relationship you are still mourning. I say if it is difficult to talk about you are probably still in mourning.

Given that, I'd be extra careful about getting involved on any serious level with anyone. Your heart is still fragile and it can be too easy to hurt it again if you rush things.

I'd see several people frankly, go to groups, do some play parties, don't tie yourself to any one person right now while things are still rough in your mind and heart.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/22/2006 9:29:56 AM   
backinthesaddle


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		thank you all for your advise

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/26/2006 7:50:49 PM   
backinthesaddle


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		how do i do play parties or see other people without being labeled a slut?

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/27/2006 6:11:07 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backinthesaddle

how do i do play parties or see other people without being labeled a slut?


Why would this label you a slut? Are you a slut if you date multiple people in the vanilla world? I thought that was called being normal. (this is a scene like a date, not sex, that might get the slut label). I never get this idea that we find one person and one person only to do BDSM with. Makes no sense to me at all. Get some experience so you can learn about yourself. Only when you know yourself better will you be better able to make better decisions about future partners.

I would go to play parties if they are attached to organizations that do workshops and supportive groups -- like TES or the TNG groups or PEP events. Things where you get to know folks in the groups, learn things and then at parties you just interact by scening too. Don't expect to scene, just go and be open to the idea. Listen, watch, learn, grow.

I personally wouldn't have sex with this many people because I think it won't work for your mourning heart well and there are also disease concerns. You won't get a disease from being spanked or get pregnant from being flogged. Work on trying to separate the romance from the activities so you can figure out what you like without endangering your heart each time.

I know, I know, easier said than done. Is anything in life worth having long-term easy though? Not in my life it seems.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
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RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/27/2006 6:22:57 AM   
IamDifferent1


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/5/2006
Status: offline 		You say "slut" as if that were a bad thing...

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/27/2006 6:46:02 PM   
backinthesaddle


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		is strap-ons considered sex?

(in reply to IamDifferent1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: when a relationship ends and you want a new one to ... - 12/28/2006 6:51:33 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backinthesaddle

is strap-ons considered sex?


That's between you and the other person. If you think it's sex, I would personally caution doing that until you've had time to go through the entire mourning process for your last relationship. There are so many other things to do under the BDSM umbrella.

I'm not saying "don't have sex" I'm suggesting you be careful about it. As much as we'd like to think we can separate sex from love or deep emotions I think that when we've been hurt it can be easier to mix the two up. If you all ready have a fuck buddy or two, that should be fine, but I'd back off any sexual contact for a few months and just do SM and bondage and maybe light service to help you get regrounded in the scene.

Hopefully someone you are with even just once will have the common courtesy to not spread details around about what you did together. To my ears, when someone does spread such details around, it makes them seem immature and doesn't affect how I feel about the person they are telling on other than "hope that aren't seeing this jerk anymore".

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to backinthesaddle)
Profile   Post #: 15
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