mistoferin
Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
|
To clear up a few things, it took every ounce of courage I had to post the first time and, nearly as much, now. I know people view women like me as foolish doormats, and allowing what I have allowed shames me. Still, there are reasons. NOT EXCUSES. Reasons that muddle the mind and affect one's behavior.
I am glad that you found the courage to reach out. It is the first step toward a better tomorrow. I understand that there are valid reasons and not excuses why we stay in circumstances that are harmful to us. I don’t see you as being foolish or a doormat. There is no reason for your shame (although I do understand it). I see you as a woman who is doing the best she can with the hand she was dealt.
I had been raised to stick things out, especially in marriage, no matter how awful the marriage might be. If you make a commitment, you keep it. I held that truth close to my heart to my own detriment. I also had childhood abuse and one gets to the point that one feels they don't deserve better. Or, that this is the way of life, the way of love. Plus, it isn't a constant thing. It's cycles that start as small ripples that grow.
I admire your dedication. It says a lot to me about the kind of person you are. It certainly tells me that you are a person who is deserving of much more than you are getting, contrary to how you may be feeling. I am sorry to hear that this has been the way of your life since childhood. I can assure you that love is nothing at all like the picture that has been painted for you. As far as it’s being inconsistent in nature…..the reality is that it is always present…..you are always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Why?…..because it has in the past and you know in the recesses of your mind that it will again….and again. Although we hold out hope that “this time” it’s really going to be better…..the truth is that it’s a lie that we tell ourselves so that we can maintain enough sanity to get us through the day.
In the beginning, one gets called stupid. In five years, the language grows worse and a shove ensues. By ten years, a slap emerges. Yet with enough distance between episodes to forgive, to let go, to believe it won't happen again. Getting the picture?
Oh I’ve got the picture! It is an absolutely textbook example of the intrinsic nature of Domestic Violence. Many instances, many apologies, many forgivenesses. The problem lies in that we can’t erase, we can’t forget and with each instance another small piece of us dies or is forever changed. Once trust is damaged, there will forever be a scar.
However, the cycles have returned. Only, they skipped a few steps. I don't fear for my life, but there is violence, sudden rage, sudden retaliation for obscure reasons.
Please understand that this is classic. He has no choice but to escalate his violence in order to get the desired result. Every time that it occurs and he wakes up the next day and you are still his wife, you have given him permission for the next time. You have told him that this is what you are willing to accept.
I threatened to leave, so he has agreed to counseling and has had a few sessions. He wants to change. He wants me to stay.
Great, he has agreed to go to counseling because you threatened him. Of course he doesn’t want his reality to change. Of course he doesn’t want you to leave. You have been like Old Faithful to him. If you left he might actually have to be accountable for himself. It would be much better however, if he were going to counseling because he plainly sees the flaws within himself and has a sincere desire to make the necessary changes. The fact that he is choosing to do so because of your threat tells the story though.
Despite everything, I love him. He is all I've known of love. Perhaps that is why I'm attracted to the lifestyle. Then again, since I haven't experienced much of it, what do I really know?
Well first off it is sometimes common for women who are submissive in nature to find themselves in abusive situations, especially in the early days of their understanding of their submission. An abusive relationship does fill some of the needs of the submissive, even if it is in a very unhealthy and destructive way. I believe that often submissives start out falling into these relationships before they fully understand their submissive needs and what Domination in it’s perfect form is all about. I think though that possibly you are searching for a way to justify the abuse by saying that it is his nature to be Dominant. I think that there are many abusive men out there who also engage in the same sort of rationalization. It does not however make it so. As was stated to you by so many, there is no room for abuse in a Dominant/submissive relationship. With Dominance there comes great responsibility. For an abusive man to use Dominance as a cover for his abuse is a recipe for disaster.
I do not discount even a little that you love this man as I am certain that your love for him is consuming. You certainly would not have stuck this out with a man you detested, even if you may detest some of the things he does. It is the reason that kept me in an abusive relationship also. In the beginning it is easy to ignore the slights and names. It is even easy to ignore the shoves...and the slaps. We keep telling ourselves that love conquers all and if I just loved him a little more, a little better….he would realize what he has and treat me in the way I should be treated. Well that is a nice dream…..one that ended for me at the business end of gun barrel to my head for a long and agonizing two hour period of being screamed at and beaten. Every moment wondering if it was to be my last. I never thought that he would ever be capable of such…..never. I had done just like you have up to that point, discounted, rationalized, justified and enabled every moment of abuse. When he finally went to bed that night, it was all I could do not to shoot him as he slept. Thank God I am a bigger person than that. You may not think that your situation could ever escalate to that point……I didn’t either…..but it did.
However, I'm calling a hotline tomorrow morning for advice. Now, I'm trying to pretend my world is much better than it is. I'm trying not to fall apart
I am glad that you have made the decision to call someone. You have many hard choices ahead of you and although you are the one who ultimately has to make those choices, you most certainly should have support to help you. I understand that for now you need to put the happy mask on that you present to the world and you may actually fool the majority with it…..but the one who really counts is under the mask….and you can’t fool her. If it gets to be too much and you fall apart….you know what….that’s OK! The world will not crack if you let some of this out…..but if you try to keep it all inside of you, you certainly will eventually. Once again, if you feel you just need to talk or rant, please do not hesitate to contact me.
_____________________________
Peace and light,
~erin~
There are no victims here...only volunteers.
When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.
"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
|
RE: Channeling Hostility - 
Profile
RE: Channeling Hostility - 
JMPO~ 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread