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Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:22:07 PM   
WestWanderer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Well, Im new to the lifestyle and I luckily have found a Mistress who thinks Im worth her time. We have been talking back and fourth for a while now and we met up a couple of weeks ago and that was great.

However, she has a very hectic and unpredictable schedule and most of the times we've planned on meeting never pan out because somthing happens. Actually we are supposed to meet today but I can't get in touch with her and she hasn't called and it's getting late and so I think it's just not going to happen tonight.

Now I know it's not her fault, but I suffer from depression and everytime this happens the first thing my mind jumps to is "She doesn't want to meet me." or "Why did I expect somthing to go right?" It's very unhealthy.

My question to you other submissives is, how do you deal with dissapointment? I don't want to hurt her, I trust her very much and I really apreciate her but I hate getting into these funks, what should I do?
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:25:52 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		LA said something on another thread ill go find it if you want, but basically use the first meeting as a template for how the relationship will go...she is saying more about herself an her inability to handle her life and prioritize a relationship, then she is saying anything about you....so dont take it that way.
 
 

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:29:56 PM   
WestWanderer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Oh it's not like that. None of it is her fault. She really does have a lot going on. I just need a way to deal with the dissapointment, these things are going to happen. They happen in every other walk of life don't they? I may just being a silly about it but I guess that's the depression speaking. It's not as if she isn't every going to talk to me again. I don't know 

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:33:03 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Actually we are supposed to meet today but I can't get in touch with her and she hasn't called and it's getting late and so I think it's just not going to happen tonight
.

Another possible poofer.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:36:33 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		there is no magic way of dealing with disappointment, but what has worked in the past? for me i prefer to "be with" the pain....this means accept that this hurt...and that you feel sad, then do something nice for your self...a bath a walk or a swim...
 
also again i would keep in mind actions speak louder then words.....she is showing you what priority a relationship has in her life...not right or wrong good or bad...but it is the truth.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to WestWanderer)
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:38:36 PM   
PrimitiveLogic


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Md.
Status: offline 		Think of her as fine Swiss Cheese...deliscious yet there are a lot of holes. Seriously, is she really going to be able to manifest a steady theme of reality in your life? If submission is based on trust, and trust implies consistency; then you might be submitting to her busy life more than you will to her. She will be consistently inconsistent with time for you, regardless of how the time actually spent with you is filled. Sorry to say it doesn't sound like a positve way to launch a good chance. As Tigress says, early behavior is a template for later behavior. I suppose it is up to you to determine the depth of frustration you choose to endure.
I wish you well in not just your search, but your moments of completion.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 2:53:17 PM   
WestWanderer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know what to think now. Are all submissives in such pain when they are alone? Or is that somthing else entirely? She's the only one who seems to be interested in the least and I like her quite a bit.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 3:21:32 PM   
beticat


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/9/2006
Status: offline 		WestWanderer,
She may be wonderful and everything you've been looking for. She may be absolutely legit as far as her busy schedule, however *you* need more contact and more stability than you're receiving. Given sufficient time of not feeling like a priority ~ you will resent and then become indifferent.
I *know*. I was in a 7 year relationship where I was at the whim of his schedule and other committments. It has taken me two years to get to where I am now ~ willing and able to commit emotionally to another. While I don't wish that I hadn't gone there (I have learned some valuable lessons), I now recognize the 'warning' signs (so to speak) for ME. I will not get involved with someone who doesn't communicate, follow through with plans and make plans in advance.
I won't put myself back into that chaos. It wreaks havoc for me in all areas of my life.
Next, how long have you been looking? You needn't answer but be aware that it takes time to find someone truly compatible so that you're not settling.
For centering yourself and making that downward spiral shallower ~ develop a support network, start a journal, guided meditation, visualization. These all work for me. I have a friend that strings pearls because it helps her relax. I do a craft called lucet ~ makes cord of varying thickness as a bonus!
Be well.
*big big hugs*
Cat



_____________________________

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
-Rolling Stones

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 3:37:15 PM   
WestWanderer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks Beticat, I guess I had better put a lot more thought into this. Im afraid of talking over my concerns with her. Not because she isn't understanding or anything but I just hate the thought of hurting her feelings or somthing. I can't really say how long I've been looking mostly because I have and I haven't if you know what I mean. I've had a few really nice people talk to me on here though but she's the only one that seemed serious so far and we actually met up.

It's hard to explain, you know? I just need to think and try to calm down, I guess it just takes me a while to get out of a funk.

(in reply to beticat)
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 4:17:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestWanderer
My question to you other submissives is, how do you deal with dissapointment? I don't want to hurt her, I trust her very much and I really apreciate her but I hate getting into these funks, what should I do?

I think you're asking the wrong question.

You should be asking "Is this what I want my day to day life to be like and will I be fulfilled in this situation?"

Why do you trust her very much exactly?  What has she shown that would make her seem ideal for a long term stable commitment to you?

You are disappointed because your reasonable expectations which SHE agreed to as well are always dashed by HER.  You can either let go of expectations or she can learn how to hold to the agreements she makes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 4:21:21 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestWanderer

Thanks Beticat, I guess I had better put a lot more thought into this. Im afraid of talking over my concerns with her. Not because she isn't understanding or anything but I just hate the thought of hurting her feelings or somthing. I can't really say how long I've been looking mostly because I have and I haven't if you know what I mean. I've had a few really nice people talk to me on here though but she's the only one that seemed serious so far and we actually met up.

It's hard to explain, you know? I just need to think and try to calm down, I guess it just takes me a while to get out of a funk.


Yeah it's hard.  But without honest and open communication- what's the point of anything?  YOu claim you trust her a lot- this is part of that whole trust thing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to WestWanderer)
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/23/2006 7:17:31 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestWanderer

I don't know what to think now. Are all submissives in such pain when they are alone? Or is that somthing else entirely? She's the only one who seems to be interested in the least and I like her quite a bit.



Being lonely can be difficult.  Its also a choice.  You can choose to find other ways to fill your life besides waiting for a new Domme to come along and fill it for you.  You can make friends with others.  Volunteer your time to some organization of your choice.  Get in volved in some activity that interests you, or many other different things that I'm sure you are capable of thinking of on your own. 

I understand how debilitating depression can be.  I've been there myself and I also know that its not a pleasant place to be.  The idea that someone else out there wants to be with you when you don't feel that good about yourself because you're depressed is very appealing and may cause you to feel as though they're you're only hope, choice or option at the moment.  That probably makes them the worst choice or option you have! 

I strongly suggest that you work on getting yourself together, coping with your depression and you'll suddenly discover that you'll attract someone who wants to make you a priority in their life.  The woman you speak of obviously doesn't and being around her isn't going to help you to feel better about yourself.  If anything, I'd expect the constant disappointments of her failing to meet her comittments with you are only going to cause you to feel even less valuable and worthwhile as a person, further fueling your depression.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to WestWanderer)
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/24/2006 3:26:20 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestWanderer

However, she has a very hectic and unpredictable schedule and most of the times we've planned on meeting never pan out because somthing happens. Actually we are supposed to meet today but I can't get in touch with her and she hasn't called and it's getting late and so I think it's just not going to happen tonight.

Now I know it's not her fault, but I suffer from depression and everytime this happens the first thing my mind jumps to is "She doesn't want to meet me." or "Why did I expect somthing to go right?" It's very unhealthy.

My question to you other submissives is, how do you deal with dissapointment? I don't want to hurt her, I trust her very much and I really apreciate her but I hate getting into these funks, what should I do?



Funks Suck........  in alot of ways what you've discribed of the relationship is no different then having an affiar.  Although this person has all the things you want and or need from the pairing, you've split the word All over wishfull thinking.  Like Beticat said, you need more contact and stability then your getting.  LA's advice of asking yourself what you want your life to look like is an excelent idea.  And if your expectations always fall short with this person there is some failed communication somewhere.  Dont accept less then you want.  Settling never feeds what's hungry.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/24/2006 5:56:41 AM   
innatedesire


Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		Dear West,

I am sorry that you are going through this, i think at some point we have all been in similar situations and there is no easy answer in how to deal with it.

I agree with others in finding something to occupy your free time; find something that interests you or something you have always wanted to learn about and  focus your energy on that.

I too have encountered more than my share of "busy" people and this is my response to them; " it has been a pleasure getting to know you, unfortunately it seems that at this tme in your life you are very busy and do not have the time necessary to allow us to further explore one another; that is ok.  Life sometimes gets in the way  of what we want and some things must be put aside. My best to you and hope that you find the success and happiness in all that you do."

We teach people how to treat us regardless of who we are;  when someone does something that hurts you they will continue to do the same thing over and over unless you tell them that you are hurt etc... by what ever it is that they are  doing.  Communication is essential in all relationships regardless if it is WIITWD or vanilla; in order to love another and be happy you have to first love yourself and be happy with you.

Wishing you the best and i hope that this works out for you, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.




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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/24/2006 12:36:49 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		consider as well that the holidays are a common time for people to be depressed, while you may be down ordinarily because she's busy and can't meet you, compound that with a case of the holiday blues and it can make everything seem a whole lot worse. 

as one in the past who has placed a lot of my feelings of well being in the hands of another, I can certainly sympathize.  it's a vicious cycle in and of itself.  learning to care for yourself, and treating yourself with kindness is essential.  take this time to take a look at what you can do for yourself to make you feel better, as opposed to looking to "her" to lift you up.

keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/24/2006 9:03:22 PM   
zoeysubgrrl


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline 		After reading what advice everyone else has provided for you - it is all valid.
Many submissives have gone through a phase where we feel that having that connection of belonging will make some other aspects of your emotional lives better. However in all honesty it is you that can make you happy. And it is you that chooses to accept what someone else is willing to give you in a relatioinship.

It is not necessary for me to repeat what everyone esle has said. But, just realize finding happiness by yourself first will attract people who will be better suited for you. Also, do find help for your depression. It will go a long way in helping you to find your personal happiness.

Wishing you the best

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/24/2006 9:09:05 PM   
WestWanderer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Well, I finally managed to pick myself up after a few hours. I want to thanky ou all for the advice too. That's why I really like collarme, most of the community is rexpectful and kind. Especially to a neophyte like me.

But now I have a new worrie, I haven't heard from her at all since then and there is still no answer, so now I have to whonder if she is okay. But Im probably worrying over nothing, it's the holidays after all.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/25/2006 5:11:09 AM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		WW..I think it's important for you to remember that it's ok to want what you want, and it's also OK to accept that you're not getting it from someone, for what ever reason.  If she's absent for good reasons all the time, she's still absent, and it seems to be an issue that you're sensitive to.  All of those things can be true at the same time.  If you get hooked into the potential of a relationship to the point that you can't hold onto the facts of it, you'll set yourself up for pain. 

Wonderful people can be unavailable for perfect reasons, but it still leaves you alone.  Wonderful people can also have the best intentions to be there for you, but be unaware of their own true availability, and thus unavailable.  Presence and regular communication isn't too much to ask for, and it's not un-subly to ask for it.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/25/2006 6:18:59 AM   
Wanderlusty


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline 		If you've tried to reach her and are unable to get hold of her, I'd be worried too. Unless she has exhibited a pattern of not checking in with you. In which case, you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who remembers that you worry about them and that a simple phone call is all it takes to set your mind at rest. Sounds to me like she is irresponsible, erratic, selfish, plays mind games, or all of the above.

Be patient. Keep looking.

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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 12/25/2006 6:37:11 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Shakespear said "all the world's a stage" and we are actors on it. But all plays need a script, so we mentally write the script of our lives.  Disappointment comes when others don't follow our script, regardless of how unselfish that script is.  When people write the script together is one way to not be disappointed.  The other way is to realize that other people haven't read our internal script and that the disappointment, while really felt, is an opportunity to re-examine ourselves and our needs.

And sometimes we just get lonely.  i try to use the feeling of lonliness to look at ways i enjoy my own company, spending time with myself and serving myself, since i am service-oriented. 


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

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