Jumping into a new relationship

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Jumping into a new relationship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Jumping into a new relationship

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Jumping into a new relationship - 12/24/2006 11:51:38 PM

MasterFitzwell

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/30/2005
Status: offline

When a slave/sub has been released/uncollared by a Master/Dom there is a period of healing as well as reflection. I've notice that many of the subs/slaves through out the BDSM community tend to take a break between leaving their former owner and seeking a new one. It is much the same in the vanilla world.

I've notice that many on this site seek ownership almost immediately after they have been released and as a result have not overcome whatever the problem that existed in the previous relationship.

My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why.

I try to leave such relationships on a positive note but know that is not always possible as if there is any real relationship one can not just walk away with out feeling something.

Of the many fellow Masters/Doms I've had this discussion with there seems to be no rules or guidance which is somewhat encouraging as each has their own perferences in releasing their properties. One such friend informed me that when he did release his slave that it was almost a year before he decided to actively even consider considering another.

Thank you in advance for your input.

MasterFitzwell

Post #: 1

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 12:30:25 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFitzwell

My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why.

I'm not a dominant, but seeing as how I'd be on the receiving end of such treatment, I'd say that such "encouragement" would be highly insulting to say the least. To me, it'd read that you don't value me enough to keep me and on top of that, you're telling me I'm not worth finding anyone new out there except on whatever timetable YOU feel I should be on. And frankly, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I admit that I'd definitely take the time to examine the things I've learned while in a relationship to determine which things belonged solely to the relationship and which things I wanted to incorporate into my life as an independent person, but to do so because someone who thinks so little of me that he's uncollaring me thinks it should be?

Well, I can see that this could take a relationship that might be ending on a positive note and make it negative all in one fell swoop. People who release have no say in the other person's life - except as that other person grants.

So, I'd say that even if you think someone would be better served taking some "me time" to assimilate the change in their relationship status, you really don't have a while lot of say on whether it will or even should happen.

juliet

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 2

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 12:40:11 AM

TypeAsub1

Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

Why do you assume that they had a problem in the last relationship? It may well have a problem with the D in the relationship and not their problem at all?

I'm curious - you claim that you try to leave 'such relationships' on a positive note? How many owned slaves have you taken back a collar from? Is ownership so trivial to you that you acquire and discard slaves frequently?

And I agree with Juliet - once you've chosen to discard your property.. your advice is not likely to be received favourably. Quite frankly, I'm more concerned by the fact that you feel it's necessary to adopt a policy for yourself. It indicates that you will be entering more relationships with the expectation of ending them.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 3

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 7:59:48 AM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

It might help to keep in mind that while people may seem to advertise for a new relationship immediately, many are unlikely to actually meet anyone from an internet personals site. Those that do often will stretch the 'search' time out for weeks, months, or even years. As in vanilla relationships some people don't handle being single for long, and tend to relationship hop from one bad fix to another.

To be fair, there's no set time of mourning for a relationship. Not everyone approaches them like a bodybuilding competition, with the need to take a few weeks to make improvements before getting back into the fray. In fact, I would suggest very few people are ever really ready for 'love' when it comes along. It's neither good, nor bad - it's just human nature.

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to TypeAsub1)

Post #: 4

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 8:21:48 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I was thinking the same as you voltare, it takes a lot of weeding to find a rose.

I had my heart broken last year over the holidays by the first dominant I had ever been involved with. I loved him very much, it was a very tumultuous relationship for a couple of years. When it finally ended I was convinced it would probably take me years and years to find another dominant, flirted with the idea of going back to vanilla, had a few dates a couple of weeks after the split.... those did not work out very well.

I started dating immediately for this reason, I am approaching 40 years old, and life is too damn short to let the grass grow under my feet, wallow in sadness, or let myself be "wounded". I was going to be damned if I would spend forever mourning this last relationship by isolating myself romantically. I am glad I didn't hesitate or wait too long to mull it over.

March of last year I met my present Dom shortly after I put up a profile on another BDSM site. He gave me the link to this site a couple of weeks later. It ended up that we are still seeing each other and we met in May. If I had spent months and months mourning that other relationship, not exploring new people, isolating myself, I would not be with my Daddy this holiday season. I am so glad I did not wait!

Edited to correct dates...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/25/2006 8:28:51 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Voltare)

Post #: 5

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 8:31:49 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFitzwell

When a slave/sub has been released/uncollared by a Master/Dom there is a period of healing as well as reflection. I've notice that many of the subs/slaves through out the BDSM community tend to take a break between leaving their former owner and seeking a new one. It is much the same in the vanilla world.

I've notice that many on this site seek ownership almost immediately after they have been released and as a result have not overcome whatever the problem that existed in the previous relationship.

I guess it depends on the reason they are leaving. For instance..myself...I am looking for a new owner simply based on the fact that the current one is not as available as my needs require. (he is a truck driver) There are no "problems" to overcome other than simple compatibility. Why should I take more time without belonging to someone simply because someone doesnt have time? Thats kind of silly to me.

My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why.

I am not sure that there are many submissive / slaves who when leaving one Master for whatever reason would appreciate Him telling Her what she needs to do once His collar has been removed.

I try to leave such relationships on a positive note but know that is not always possible as if there is any real relationship one can not just walk away with out feeling something.

Of the many fellow Masters/Doms I've had this discussion with there seems to be no rules or guidance which is somewhat encouraging as each has their own perferences in releasing their properties. One such friend informed me that when he did release his slave that it was almost a year before he decided to actively even consider considering another.

A relationship ending is usually fraught with emotions and therefore rules and guidelines usually dont find their way into it.

Thank you in advance for your input.

A very good post question..thank you for sharing.

MasterFitzwell

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 6

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 8:33:26 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I think what bothers me most about this thread is that when combined with the other thread you have going in the General BDSM Discussion forum (entitled On Again/Off Again), there seems to be a pattern of thinking that submissives are largely unthinking dolts.

In the other thread, if we take time off from collarme or other similar sites, we're indecisive, and here, if we DON'T take time off, we're irresponsible or...at the very least, just not bright enough to figure things about ourselves out on our own - needing your "encouragement" even AFTER you've decided to end things.

I'm finding it very difficult to understand how in one moment, we're dolts for taking time and in another we're dolts for NOT taking time. So much so that you even hold up the behavior of some dominant you know as some sort of guidepost of appropriate behavior.

Perhaps you could explain just how DO you see submissives, because I'll admit, I'm more than a little confused by the appearance of your conflicting viewpoints. In my opinion, these threads in conjunction with each other say a LOT more about you than they do about any of the submissives you may be encountering.

juliet

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 7

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 8:34:25 AM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

I've noticed the same thing in the 'nila world. Maybe it has more to do with gender. Perhaps women tend to wait until they've recovered from one man before finding another, whereas finding another woman is how men recover. I'm positing this as a generality with a bunch of "maybe" in it.

MaryT

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 8

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 9:46:21 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

This isn't a thing that just happens to people in the lifestyle. We're a community of people and, as such, we will exhibit the same characteristics in the lifestyle as out. So, you will find the same spectrums of behavior here as you do in vanilla society.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 9

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 2:09:11 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why

The reality is that in most cases they are being released for a reason. Asking that they consider their behavior and reflect on why they are being released is a good idea. In reality how the sub reacts is dependent on how THEY process what happened.
For example: I say my boy was released for being insabordinate and seeking other dominants online while in a RL relationship with me. Suggestion was that he consider his motives and behavior before moving into another relationship.
He says: She wasn't spanking me daily and doing kinky things like I thought it would be, so I looked at what other options were out there (online dommes). I decided I wanted a nilla relationship where I was in charge because she wasn't "doing it right" even though this was my first kink relationship. Switch according to the net means I get to be in charge sometimes, right?

At last count he'd be dropped by a sub for being a momma's boy and 2 more dominants (one a pro) for being dishonest and insabordinate. All of these were in rapid succession the pro and the sub were at the same time.

My suggestion was at least 6 months by himself and to reflect on who he is and what his goals are in a relationship. Wanting to be dominant when you can't do anything without multiple calls to your parents wouldn't work and being a sub that's dishonest and disrespectful wouldn't work either. Like many things, he didn't listen and is learning his lesson the hard way.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 10

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 2:16:11 PM

MasterFitzwell

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/30/2005
Status: offline

Once again the feedback is appreciated. Opinions are like the souther region of the body - everyone has one and should be respected in an orderly fashion. For those Dominate personalties as well as those non-dominate personalities that emailed me privately I appreciate your indepth inquiries as well as your input and feedback.

I am not one to disrespect any one person or group of people provided the intent was demeaning but then again I refer back to the second sentence. All of the input comes from one's personal passion and views and though it was an understanding that Masters would be responding I took no offense as some may have of the remarks received. The intended parties have enough information to begin their assignments as well as their own research into the topic thanks to all that replied.

I'll be checking back for additiona feedback or input from time to time. Again my sincere appreciation for thost that have responded.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 2:29:43 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I gotta go with juliet here. Just what do you think of submissives? We're indecisive and we need our former Dom's guidance just when he's releasing us? I don't think so. At least, not this submissive.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 12

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 4:15:40 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

I believe you meant dominant personalities, but that's really not the point.

I've found it takes me months to be ready to move on after any relationship, and always has... vanilla or (in recent years) not. While I'm not submissive, I can't imagine that someone would want/need to be told to take time. If they want to take a break, they will. If not, then all the best.

I suppose it falls into the different strokes category.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 13

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 4:20:23 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

When a slave/sub has been released/uncollared by a Master/Dom there is a period of healing as well as reflection. I've notice that many of the subs/slaves through out the BDSM community tend to take a break between leaving their former owner and seeking a new one. It is much the same in the vanilla world.

I've notice that many on this site seek ownership almost immediately after they have been released and as a result have not overcome whatever the problem that existed in the previous relationship.

Whenever a long term relationship ends I believe there is a mourning process (regardless of the labels worn within the relationship). Within that mourning process are various stages. There is not set time frame for the mourning process. Some people mourn a relationship for months or years while others don’t “appear” to mourn at all.

I am curious how you as an outsider know how long these submissives or slaves have been mourning the end or their former relationship?

Who are you to judge how long someone should mourn a relationship?

My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why.

Why would you or any other Dom/me or Master assume that upon ending such a relationship that is your place or right command or otherwise direct or even recommend anything to your former submissive or slave?

Did you not just end the power exchange by releasing him or her from your collar?

< Message edited by nikaa -- 12/25/2006 4:43:48 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 14

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 6:00:24 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear MasterFitzwell, Ladies and Gentlemen;

There are many who enter the lifestyle and or BDSM for a variety of reasons, to which can exhaust the eyes in reading the many who, what, where, whens and hows of 'relationships.'

There are some individuals who are at ease jumping from one relationship into another; as there are those who go through a period of mourning and a sense of loss. There are many reasons for leaving a relationship as there are in entering it; thus--each case needs to be handled individually.

In my mind's eyes I see--that leaving a M/s relationship is very personal and emotional for all involved. Some mask it better then others, regardless if Master or slave.

I have been blessed to have left all my relationships on a positive note and remain in friendly contact with them. Not all are so lucky--Master or slave. But, as ugly as a split may be--it might be for the best.

In my mind's eyes I see, those relationships that are maintained apart with many miles are emotionally very tied but, in a physical sense are easier to part, especially when no physical contact was ever made. Such as cyber M/s or D/s relationships where both the Master and slave never met real time. In my mind's eyes I see, physical touch impacts the relationship intensely.

As a Master, I cannot master another Master's relationship--Only that Master really knows what calls to his sense of 'right' and 'responsibilities.' Unfortunately, there is no real 'manual' on how to release a slave or accept a slave that has been newly released, to which seems to sudden to start a new relationship. The major thing is being true to yourself on all matters--to include the matters of the heart.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MasterFitzwell)

Post #: 15

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 6:05:48 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
I'm not a dominant, but seeing as how I'd be on the receiving end of such treatment, I'd say that such "encouragement" would be highly insulting to say the least. To me, it'd read that you don't value me enough to keep me and on top of that, you're telling me I'm not worth finding anyone new out there except on whatever timetable YOU feel I should be on. And frankly, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Is the desire to offer good counsel for the benefit of another person a matter of "having cake"?

Is everything in life the other person's decision and also a reflection on your worth? A whole lot of unwaranted assumptions seem to be reflected in that paragraph.

quote:

I admit that I'd definitely take the time to examine the things I've learned while in a relationship to determine which things belonged solely to the relationship and which things I wanted to incorporate into my life as an independent person, but to do so because someone who thinks so little of me that he's uncollaring me thinks it should be?

Well, I can see that this could take a relationship that might be ending on a positive note and make it negative all in one fell swoop. People who release have no say in the other person's life - except as that other person grants.

I'm confident that the OP is as aware of this as you are. He didn't ask what edicts to hand down at the end of a relationship, did he? He seemed to me to be seeking advice about advice to give, which strikes me as a pretty caring thing to busy himself with. Furthermore he presented a hypothetical situation and yet, with no details provided, you indict him for not caring about someone, not seeing value in someone.

It is possible to see towering value in someone with whom for some set of reasons one is moving out of a strict power exchange relationship.

I would imagine that for some submissives, having seen enough value in a man to once accept his collar, they might very well be willing to hear his counsel at a time when a collar is coming off. They might be grateful instead of bitter and accusatory. They might well return to him for further advice as years go by, and offer to be a friend to him as well.

I hope the day comes when this sort of outcome becomes possible for you too, Juliet.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 16

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 6:21:18 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

Good evening,
Now I am going to chime in here. There are submissives on CM that do jump into relationships immediately after one has ended, but not knowing all the ins and outs there is no way of knowing what sort of time is needed to mourn that loss. There are also doms that are guility of the same thing. In saying that, I know from personal experience, after my own release in July of '05 that there were a whole slue of doms that firmly believed that the way I was going to totally recover from my release was my immediately surrenduring to another owner. I happen to contain a bit more sense of self knowledge than that. But the question is, how many people in that wounded state dont? How many people in that wounded state just need or want the comfort?

love and light
Lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 17

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 6:25:08 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

Why do you assume that they had a problem in the last relationship? It may well have a problem with the D in the relationship and not their problem at all?

I'm curious - you claim that you try to leave 'such relationships' on a positive note? How many owned slaves have you taken back a collar from? Is ownership so trivial to you that you acquire and discard slaves frequently?

And I agree with Juliet - once you've chosen to discard your property.. your advice is not likely to be received favourably. Quite frankly, I'm more concerned by the fact that you feel it's necessary to adopt a policy for yourself. It indicates that you will be entering more relationships with the expectation of ending them.

"Discard slaves frequently" "Chosen to discard your property"

Is the moon in its Deep Insecurity for Submissive Message Board Posters phase?

Is it impossible for you women to see that two people can fulfill the potential of a relationship before coming to the end of life and mutually agree to move on under other terms, whether together or separately? Have you never heard of submissives requesting release?

You say that for this man to countenance and prepare for the fact of life that not all relationships last forever indicates that he will be entering relationships with the intention of ending them. Well it is surely his perogative to do so. Do you disagree? Do you think there is something morally wrong with such a intention, as your accusation about triviality implies?

But I don't see any such indication in the first place, any more than learning the Heimlich maneuver is an indication that one intends to choke people.

All this railing against a guy who is expressing an ongoing sense of care about someone for whom he has obviously cared deeply suggests another question to me.

If you find yourself at the point of being released, woud you prefer callous disregard, perhaps in order to reinforce a prejudice that any man who sees the wisdom in parting is busy with a "discarding" project, (referring to the previous poster, now) and suddenly sees you as worthless?

It is frankly hard for me to conceive of all these negative assumptions about this man and about de-collaring in general to come from a place of emotional maturity and security.

(in reply to TypeAsub1)

Post #: 18

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 6:41:34 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear nikaa, MasterFitwell, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Nikaa, lass--I think you have posed some good questions to a good topic. Thank you.

You focused on MasterFitzwell's paragraph--in part; .."I've notice that many on this site seek ownership almost immediately after they have been released and as a result have not overcome whatever the problem that existed in the previous relationship. "

May I proffer, from my assumption into MasterFitzwell's writings; as a Master myself--it is my assumption and belief, that the spirit to that paragraph comes from my personal experiences with "some" slaves coming out of a release, had issues to deal with from within themselves and not always was it a M/s matter. Slaves looking for a M/s relationship as an escape from reality, responsibility and or looking for the 'white knight' per se, seen in some Masters/Mistresses and or Dominants, are the ones who I hold grave concerns about jumping from one relationship into another but, not really facing their fears or the facts of life. Some jump from one domestic violence relationship into another. So, in my mind's eyes I see--such leap frog hops are not solving any issues that person has and or that person refuses to accept the logic and healing nature that some Dominants provide. It is a matter of perception to which Masters and slaves a like are subjected to and must be acknowledged, as we (in a general sense) witness before us and or as these leap frog slaves land at our feet looking at us as "White knights" rather than Masters.

Whereas "White knights" are perceived as saviors and heros; Masters are guides, teacher, mentors and or examples as to give the tools to the slave/submissive to be their own "white knight" per se.

In addition, there have been times where Masters are caught in a 'knee jerk' reaction of another. So, instead of an emotional moment, the Master may urge to take a few breaths as to make it a logical choice rather then an emotional choice. Indeed, at times I have been a bit overwhelmed by approaches that are too fast for me and must slow it to my pace as to digest what is unfolding before me, when a slave wishes to jump suddenly into a collar of mine. (Thank goodness most have been horny men that get refused and bounce around like a bee to many flowers--but, I'm not a needy woman so they go away).

Nikaa, you posted based on the paragraph; ..."My question to fellow Masters is the following, are you recommending to your subs/slaves that you release that they take time to reflect upon the previous relationship prior to seeking another one. If so how much time are you encouraging they take and why."

Your response was; Why would you or any other Dom/me or Master assume that upon ending such a relationship that is your place or right command or otherwise direct or even recommend anything to your former submissive or slave?

Did you not just end the power exchange by releasing him or her from your collar?

In my mind's eyes I see, the time of reflection, the soul searching should happen prior to the release. A chance to communicate, to come to discussion and conclusion before release is best. Once released, the slave is free and by release; the slave sets the Master free of their duty, their authority but--I know some Masters deeply care about slaves. I know I do. My collar might be absent from their neck but, my concern for them will never fully diminish. It is because I do care about the person--not just the slave side of that person but, the total sum of the person.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 19

RE: Jumping into a new relationship - 12/25/2006 8:01:44 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

Is the desire to offer good counsel for the benefit of another person a matter of "having cake"?

Is everything in life the other person's decision and also a reflection on your worth? A whole lot of unwaranted assumptions seem to be reflected in that paragraph.

I'm confident that the OP is as aware of this as you are. He didn't ask what edicts to hand down at the end of a relationship, did he? He seemed to me to be seeking advice about advice to give, which strikes me as a pretty caring thing to busy himself with. Furthermore he presented a hypothetical situation and yet, with no details provided, you indict him for not caring about someone, not seeing value in someone.

It is possible to see towering value in someone with whom for some set of reasons one is moving out of a strict power exchange relationship.

I would imagine that for some submissives, having seen enough value in a man to once accept his collar, they might very well be willing to hear his counsel at a time when a collar is coming off. They might be grateful instead of bitter and accusatory. They might well return to him for further advice as years go by, and offer to be a friend to him as well.

I hope the day comes when this sort of outcome becomes possible for you too, Juliet.

Why thank you for your concern Noah. That's very kind.
However, the assumption that I see you reflecting (and I may indeed be wrong) is that my views are coming from a place of insecurity or bitterness or something along those lines, which is very far from the truth.

I simply operate along a different set of values than perhaps you do. I have remained friends with people I've been involved with often in the past, whether they were vanilla relationships or BDSM relationships. However, once it has been agreed that I am uncollared - whether through a pre-arranged time or through release, that person has abdicated his responsibility and his right to encourage me to do anything unless, as I already stated, I grant that he may.

That, by no means discounts that this person was my friend, confidant, dominant, Master. It doesn't mean that he won't continue to be my friend. However, it does mean that I will not be seeking his advice regarding my future. For whatever reason, if he's decided that the relationship we had needs to be absolved, then all of what constituted control is absolved - including any well-intentioned advice he may have for me.

When I am in a D/s relationship, I give my all to that person. I don't hold back, keep parts of myself for myself or set up precautions, or whatever it is that people do to "protect" themselves. I have no exceptions, no qualifications, no nothing along those lines. In the situation I'm in now, I promised to be there until he tells me to leave. Those were my exact words. I meant it. It wasn't romanticized verbage. There was nothing that said "unless you do this or that." The only qualification I put on my length of stay with him was "until you tell me to leave." Because of that, if something like what was described by the original poster were to happen, it would not be in my best interests to continue any part of the Master/slave dynamic and looking to him for advice or accepting from him some sort of "encouragement" would do just that.

This may not be the way you would handle things, and it might not be the way other people would handle things, but in my world, before I met him, I was able to take care of myself, make decisions for myself, and manage my life. I didn't look for someone to save me. I submitted. That's really all there was to it. If I were released, even under good intentions, I would go back to being able to take care of myself (indeed, I've never stopped that), make decisions for myself and manage my life. Since it's pretty much a given that I would be hurting, taking his encouragement at a time when we're each finding our footing on our own again would be contrary to my overall sense of personal health.

I am a submissive. I am his slave. I submit. It's really that uncomplicated. If I were released - even under good intentions, I would not be submitting. As such, his advice would not be something I'd seek or welcome. At that point, and from that point on, I'd no longer be interested in his perspective regarding how I should live my life. It's simply not germain to what I would need to do.

What I would be doing is processing the relationship to find what was intrinsic to the relationship and what is intrinsic to me. What was intrinsic to the relationship, I let go of; what's intrinsic to me, I keep for myself and integrate into my own personal philosophy regarding what I find important in this lifestyle. Accepting his "encouragement" would only serve to continue to reinforce what was intrinsic to the relationship.

So, again, while I understand your perspective and thank you for your concern, I sincerely hope I NEVER reach the point where the person who has decided he no longer wants me - for whatever reason, from retirement to illness to moving to incompatibility - were to continue to have control over my life by simply calling what he was doing "encouragement."

He won't be asked by me for it and his unsolicited "encouragement" would not be welcome. I have many friends who are dominant, and this subject really does not come up. I do not ask their advice regarding my life. I didn't do so when I was on my own, I don't do it now and I can't imagine me doing so if I were to be released, so I don't see how remaining the friend of the person who I once served should be any different.

And I don't think that knowing myself and what's healthy for me is something I should anticipate not being able to handle. As far as being his friend, I don't see the problem in that either. Then again, I also don't define my friendships by how much a man - a dominant - will or will not bare his soul. Again, that may be different for other people. I don't know. All I know is how I am.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/25/2006 8:22:12 PM >

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Jumping into a new relationship

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109