Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (Full Version)

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dommemst -> Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:04:34 PM)

Here's a personal security subject that I'm sure has been discussed before, but please indulge me.  I have recently been accused of not being an "authentic lifestyle female domme," whatever that is supposed to mean.  I don't apologize for not using the online capitalization (Dom/sub, You/i for example), and I personally prefer being called mistress or lady as opposed to ma'am. 

A submissive wrote me a very pushy message requesting a meeting right away without telling me anything about himself, saying that I might as well go to dinner with him and if I don't like him at least I'll get some free food and drinks.  I wrote back saying I wasn't interested, as the message was pushy and manipulative and I prefer to get to know my submissives online and/or on the phone before any meeting.  In my opinion, any woman who has meetings right away and doesn't filter out people by connecting online first puts herself at risk for rape, robbery, etc.  He said, "again you are not authentic because real lifestyle dommes don't connect with their slaves online, they meet them in real life."  What???? When did I say I don't meet slaves real time?  I've met some great people from collarme!  Sounds like sour grapes that his mind manipulation didn't work on me, and now he's trying to attack my character.

Well, that's the end of my rant since I've blocked the guy, but my question here to all Mistresses and everyone else is, what is your personal way in going about connecting with a potential submissive?  What do you look for as a good sign, and what puts you off of someone?  And most important, do you try to adhere to domination traditions, or do you prefer to practice your own style of domination that is unique to your personality?



farglebargle -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:13:51 PM)

"what is your personal way in going about connecting with a potential submissive? "

Since it's mine and not anyone elses, it would be pointless to go into detail. Take from that sentence a deeper meaning, whatever YOU choose to do is by definition, "Right" for you.

I see nothing wrong with keeping your personal space until comfy with someone. Your Mileage WILL Vary, This offer not valid anywhere.




thetammyjo -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:17:31 PM)

I have a huge set of hoops someone needs to jump through to see me. These hoops include the following horrible things that clearly demonstrate that I, too, am not "real" by some folks standards. There's the entire program.

1) talk to me as a person

2) tell me about your mundane interests and life

3) ask me questions about my mundane interests and life not just kink

4) read my website and ask me questions about it that show you have read it

5) demonstrate that you understand how much time would be required to train with me

6) email my current slave and treat him like a person

7) fill out a formal application I have on my website

8) set up a dinner/lunch meeting where you meet my entire household briefly then talk to me for a couple of hours

9) talk to me some more and be honest about what you are thinking now that you've met me and mine face to face

10) arrange a session or scene so we can feel out the chemistry

11) come to said session and do you best

12) evaluate that session a few days later

13) read over my formal offer of training in a contract

14) begin training and give it your all

15) 14+ sessions later evaluate the training and make decision to continue.

Note: I do all of my own evaluation all along the way. Either person can withdraw at any time until ownership is established at which point we would have regularly scheduled evaluation meetings.

Yup, Fox did indeed jump through each one of these without complaint and without attempts to hurry them or to wiggle his way around parts of them. He was only 19 when he did this, too, so age is not a factor; committment, maturity, and common interests are.



theRose4U -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:18:28 PM)

Well I agree with you on a couple contradictory points. I do agree that pushy isn't attractive. I do agree with the idea that meetings in public are necessary as are safe calls for safety...however... I do choose to meet earlier than later because investing a lot of time into an online relationship that may not go anywhere is not my style. I would rather be disappointed early on and be able to spend my time more productively.
quote:

  He said, "again you are not authentic because real lifestyle dommes don't connect with their slaves online, they meet them in real life." 
Sounds like sour grapes that his mind manipulation didn't work on me, and now he's trying to attack my character.

You hit the nail on the head, if you won't do kink his way we're going to have to confiscate your domme license. [sm=biggrin.gif]



kyra -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:30:54 PM)

looking at it from the other side as a sub...i like to do a few "get to know you" messages, then have the person prove who they are on cam. after that, a real meeting ^__^



LadyHugs -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 1:36:43 PM)

Dear dommemst, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see every individual as a stranger and meet individuals regardless of their list of references and experiences, at a BDSM friendly spot and or at a neutral place with plenty of individuals around.
 
I want to be surrounded by people--period.  BDSM friendly the better.
 
As far as a pushy submissive--I politely tell them I am not interested.
Pushy does not seem a submissive quality but more like a horny male/female sort that hasn't had sex in so long their genitals are shrivel'n like dry prunes.
 
Dominants shouldn't be pushed.  Pushing is a manipulation, to where the speed is faster than logic, playing on impulse and not good sense.
Like a pushy salesman/saleswoman pushing a product onto you and 'in your face.'  For me--no thanks.
 
Some who push and get rejected will respond in a flurry of insults.  So that is something to be aware of--just continue to weed out the wascally wankers and do what it takes to find a good match, while behaving as a lady.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



jdtallfem -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 2:03:49 PM)

While I agree that pushiness isn't an attractive trait, a sub/slave shouldn't entirely back off either.  We Dom mes get a lot of mail.  I'm impressed with sub/slaves who write with something to say, show that they've read my profile, and ask for my phone number and for the opportunity to meet for a lunch or dinner to discuss things.  I'm impressed with sub/slaves who don't give up, if I'm busy one week, who wait and see if I'm available the next week, who ask how I'm doing, who remind me that they genuinely want to meet me.  We do get  a  ton of mail and no sense getting lost in the shuffle.



UnvailedPurpose -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 2:25:18 PM)

I disagree; getting lost in the mail is a blessing…and not one in disguise. A learning tool too. What more need be said then I am to busy to apply the principles of common courtesy and/or exercise a minimum of social graces?
Getting lost in the mail, tell a tremendous tail.



frankieliny -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 2:30:22 PM)

some people don't use their heads when it comes to personal safety. we try to teach the kids that you don't really know who's typing on the other end.



theRose4U -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 3:34:01 PM)

quote:

but more like a horny male/female sort that hasn't had sex in so long their genitals are shrivel'n like dry prunes
ROFLMAO well said.[sm=biggrin.gif]



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 3:37:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dommemst
Well, that's the end of my rant since I've blocked the guy, but my question here to all Mistresses and everyone else is, what is your personal way in going about connecting with a potential submissive?  What do you look for as a good sign, and what puts you off of someone?  And most important, do you try to adhere to domination traditions, or do you prefer to practice your own style of domination that is unique to your personality?


My way of going about connecting with a potential submissive is very similar to yours.  I talk to him online through e-mail and chat for a while, then by phone, then an in-person meeting when both sides feel comfortable with it.  I have done the same thing you did when subs pushed for an in-person meeting before I was comfortable with it.  They either needed to slow down to a speed I was comfortable with, or go on their merry way.  I never had one become hateful about it, but a few disappeared from the horizon when I didn't cave in to their demands.
 
Good signs for me are when a submissive lives up to the small commitments he makes to me from the very start.  For example, if we schedule time for an online chat to get to know each other at a mutually agreeable time, and he is there at that time ready to chat, that's a good sign.  If he forgets, it tells me he didn't consider it much of a priority.  If we set up a time to talk on the phone at a mutually agreeable time and he is there and picks up the phone when he agreed to, that's a good sign.  If my call goes to voicemail, that's not a good sign.  Of course things come up, but I consider it a good sign if he is proactive and lets me know in advance he can't make it, and a bad sign if he just blows it off or comes up with some lame excuse after the fact.  These seem like little things, but they help me establish trust in him (or not).
 
Something that makes a positive impression is for him to drop me an e-mail from time to time, to say hello and that he's thinking of me.  Something that makes a bad impression is sending constant e-mails, like he's a small child needing continual reassurance (clues me in that he's high maintenance).  Another thing I consider is how he talks about his former Dommes (if any) and even ex-wives and ex-girlfriends.  If he is full of criticism and runs them down, that's not a good sign.  If he just honestly admits that it didn't work out doesn't feel the need to assasinate their character, that's a good sign.  Another thing I consider is his attitude toward life.  If I discover through conversation that he has a "victim mentality," I'll usually steer clear of him.  I like mature people who can take responsibility for their actions and their life.  Most importantly, I listen to my gut feeling.  If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.
 
With regard to the last question, do I adhere to domination traditions or prefer to practice my own style of domination that is unique to my personality, I would say I generally prefer to practice my own style of domination that is unique to my personality, while staying within the safe, sane, and consensual credo.  I am fairly active in the local community, have attended countless demos, workshops,  and discussion groups, and read every BDSM-related book I can get my hands on.  All of this has given me a plethora of ideas, but I pick and choose what feels right to me. 
 
Lady Topaz



twistedwillow -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 4:16:19 PM)

I don't think wanting to get to know a person online before meeting them in rl is a bad or un Dom\me-ly  thing. Indeed i think its very sensible, putting aside the D\s factor for a second,  your a woman going to meet a strange man, just because he says he is sub dosn't mean he is. It does sound like sour grapes on his behalf, with the  un Dommely accusations.  In which case you didn't really want to meet someone that pushy and nasty in the first place.. a good indicator that you did the sensible thing in declining.

twistedwillow



WhiteRadiance -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/26/2006 6:16:58 PM)

I get to know everyone I meet BEFORE I ever meet them r/t.  If they are not interested in me as a person, and don't tell me who they are as a person, or if they try to manipulate me into a meeting, I eliminate them.
I never allow a potential sub to pester me into anything.  If they cannot follow simple guidelines and answer a few questions, they are never going to meet me and I really don't care if they consider me to be a fake. I look after myself. 



YveGee -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/29/2006 12:07:46 PM)


Step 1: E-mail lots and regularly for a couple of weeks
Step 2: Instant messaging
Step 3: Phone calls
Step 4: Meeting in a public place
Step 5: Meeting with my husband and me either at his place or ours
Step 6: Playtime

Any of these steps can be extended for as long as I need until I feel comfortable with the person on the other end. The ability to carry on an intelligent conversation online, over the phone, and in person is a valuable skill to me. Any guy who isn't willing to invest at least a month getting to know me before meeting is not a good personality fit for me.



MzMia -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/29/2006 2:43:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance

I get to know everyone I meet BEFORE I ever meet them r/t.  If they are not interested in me as a person, and don't tell me who they are as a person, or if they try to manipulate me into a meeting, I eliminate them.
I never allow a potential sub to pester me into anything.  If they cannot follow simple guidelines and answer a few questions, they are never going to meet me and I really don't care if they consider me to be a fake. I look after myself. 


Bravo, I totally agree.



BeautifulRacket -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/29/2006 6:46:52 PM)

It really depends on the person and how much communicating we accomplish with each exchange. Generally, though, emailing for a couple of weeks is enough for me to feel confident about meeting them in a very public, safe place for coffee or a meal. I'm usually the one who suggests the meeting, though I wouldn't be off-put by a potential sub doing so after a few emails if it seemed we might be connecting. I might decline at that point for whatever reason, and I would expect them to drop it until I initiated a conversation about it at a later date.

I had one who I met after several weeks of emailing. We agreed it went well, and would like to see each other again. Then he started talking about planning our first scene (though he did say "it wouldn't have to be the next time we meet") even though I'd been very clear platonic friendship first was a requirement and he said he wanted that too. I figured it was rookie excitement on his part, and told him I'd be happy to discuss concepts, but no actual planning or play would take place until we'd gotten to know each other. He said he respected that, but then dropped off the face of the earth shortly thereafter. [8|]

Moral: We move at MY pace (which should be slow enough for just about everyone), and pushy/overbearing subs are wasting their time with me.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/29/2006 9:41:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dommemst
A submissive wrote me a very pushy message requesting a meeting right away without telling me anything about himself, saying that I might as well go to dinner with him and if I don't like him at least I'll get some free food and drinks.  I wrote back saying I wasn't interested, as the message was pushy and manipulative and I prefer to get to know my submissives online and/or on the phone before any meeting.  In my opinion, any woman who has meetings right away and doesn't filter out people by connecting online first puts herself at risk for rape, robbery, etc.
First, I would decline to meet someone I felt was rude and excessively pushy, but other than that, I would welcome the chance to get to know someone face to face rather than over email for long periods of time.

I think I'm beginning to get jaded/disinterested as a matter of fact in writing details about me in lengthy emails to random strangers.   I would rather read one another's profiles, exchange a couple of emails, phone numbers, meet in public for coffee, a drink or dinner.   I tend to get the creeps quickly in email or conversation with folks who are more insane than I can handle, so I am different from you, and prefer my meetings sooner than later.   M



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/30/2006 5:26:28 AM)

I'm actually in favor of meeting a potential sub fairly quickly - within a month of first contact.

During that time, I would need to exchange several informative emails over a period of 2-3 weeks that give me a general view of the person and see if we're on the right path; after that, a phone call;  if after talking on the phone, I felt there was still potential, it would be followed fairly quickly by a meeting for coffee in a public place. 

The point is that I'd need to go into a meeting feeling that there was some potential there - otherwise it would be a waste of my time.  The flip side is that I don't feel I can really get "to know" someone online, so am not going to waste weeks and months chit chatting there either.



pixelslave -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (12/30/2006 6:32:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulRacket

It really depends on the person and how much communicating we accomplish with each exchange. Generally, though, emailing for a couple of weeks is enough for me to feel confident about meeting them in a very public, safe place for coffee or a meal. I'm usually the one who suggests the meeting, though I wouldn't be off-put by a potential sub doing so after a few emails if it seemed we might be connecting. I might decline at that point for whatever reason, and I would expect them to drop it until I initiated a conversation about it at a later date.
 
(snip)
 
quote:

Moral: We move at MY pace (which should be slow enough for just about everyone), and pushy/overbearing subs are wasting their time with me.
 
As a sub, I always let the woman set the pace at which things move along.  When she's ready to talk about play interests, then we talk about those things.  Until she brings them up, I may flirt or imply certain things, but never directly discuss them unless she follows through.[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m24.gif[/image]  I don't normally ask for a photo until she volunteers one, figuring that she'll send one when she feels comfortable enough for me to have one (moot issue if one is already in her profile).  If we've been corresponding for a few weeks, and it hasn't happened, then I will say something like "it would be nice to have a photo of your face and eyes to mentally associate with your posts" or something similar and see if she sends one.  I have also, after a period of time, asked if she'd like to move things to IM, then later to telephone, web phone (not web cam), etc. for the purpose of simplifying communication and making it more interactive, if she felt comfortable with that; always phrasing it so it was clear it was her decision and I wasn't trying to be pushy about it. 
 
Never have I suggested scening as it has always been important to me to get to know her as a person first on a vanilla basis.    I've always felt that once that happened, the rest would happen naturally and wouldn't necessarily need to be pre-planned.  If we don't live close together, I have mentioned when I might be able to make a trip to meet her face to face after we've talked on-line long enough for that to seem like a reasonable thing to do, provided of course that she wants to take it to the next step of meeting each other.  At some point, it seems to me that reality needs to come into play.  Ultimately, I'd hope those of us who are unattached are here to meet others to decide if an actual real time relationship between us is possible.
 
My apologies if injecting a sub's perspective on this thread was inappropriate. [8|]
 
 - pixel



TexasMaam -> RE: Domme's personal style of meeting subs... (1/1/2007 10:46:33 AM)

Since WIITWD is a dynamic proposition, that grows and develops with time and experience, I don't worry about it.

I do My own thing.

As for red flags? There's an old adage about horses that I remember:

One white sock, buy him.  Two white socks, try him.  Three white socks, deny him.

One red flag, I'll overlook it. 
Two red flags, he'll get one more chance. 
Three red flags and I'm done with him.

TexasMaam



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