trying to find out why

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MstrCarrick -> trying to find out why (12/26/2006 10:25:44 PM)
I have been a practicing Dom for over seven years now. I am getting tired of all the bullshit people have been giving me from the submissive and slave side of the dating process. I just can't for the life of me figure out why there aren't any true sb/slaves out there any more. Especially around my age. I am not saying that I haven't met any sub/slaves that have been true, its just that nomatter what they ask for me to do things and make changes for them. I was quite sure it was the other way around (though I don't wsk that of others).[:@]

twistedwillow -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 10:36:48 PM)
Do you have a checklist on what a true sub is? Just for my own personal curiosity, although im quietly confident that i won't meet the standards. twistedwillow

MstrCarrick -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 10:48:52 PM)
Someone who is not going to ask for me to change things about myself and someone who is honest with thier feelings.

emdoub -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 10:56:51 PM)
That depends, I guess, on what they want you to change, and why. If they want you to change that underwear you've been wearing for a week, it's not an unreasonable request. If they want you to trade your car in on a new Beemer, it's not a reasonable request. I can't judge without knowing some more specifics. But, yeah - good subs are harder to find than they were 10 years ago. My hitting close to 50 and developing a belly can't have anything to do with that, though.... [;)] Midnight Writer

MasterFireMaam -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 10:58:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrCarrick Someone who is not going to ask for me to change things about myself and someone who is honest with thier feelings. How does being able to do these things qualify someone to be 1) real and 2) a sub/slave? People, on average, over the whole population, don't know how to do this. If we all learned to do it, we'd be much better off as healthy individuals. It's got nothing to do with a chosen dynamic role. Master Fire

juliaoceania -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 11:05:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrCarrick I have been a practicing Dom for over seven years now. I am getting tired of all the bullshit people have been giving me from the submissive and slave side of the dating process. I just can't for the life of me figure out why there aren't any true sb/slaves out there any more. Especially around my age. I am not saying that I haven't met any sub/slaves that have been true, its just that nomatter what they ask for me to do things and make changes for them. I was quite sure it was the other way around (though I don't wsk that of others).[:@] Where ever you go you are there. Perhaps you keep meeting the same person over and over again because you have not dealt with whatever lesson they represent in your own growth. Once you discover what lesson these people represent for you, only then will you meet the one you desire. What all the negative encounters you have with others have in common is you.

innatedesire -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 11:11:27 PM)
What you are experiencing is not specific to WIITWD; it knows no boundaries!!! No one ever said that it would be easy. If someone is asking you to do something, change something and you dont want to then by all means dont; simply move on. Just realize that all relationships are negotiated on some level, what are you willing to negotiate? Patience and time.........good luck

hisannabelle -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 11:27:05 PM)
exactly what innatedesire and julia have said. even d/s relationships are, to some extent, a negotiation. there are submissives and slaves (like myself) who are willing to give up a lot of their expectations about relationships in general because they don't wish to change their dominants...mine is very set in his ways and i think the things about him that originally drove me nuts that haven't been changed by our relationship are things that have taught me and allowed me to grow. and then there are those who want everything their way all the time, or at least part of the time, or have a very specific list of limits and things they are not willing to change. unfortunately, when you get down to it, dating in the bdsm world is much like dating in the vanilla world. with the exception of the gorean lifestyle, and even then depending, submissives and slaves are just people until they are your submissive/slave, which means that they can negotiate and demand and try to change however and whatever they want. the question you have to ask yourself is if you're willing to go through with that...and if not, keep on looking, cause there's someone for you out there, i'm sure. but every relationship, even a bdsm one, is in some ways a compromise. the idea that you won't have to compromise for a relationship or that you won't be changed by a relationship simply because you hold the power in the relationship is a little bit naive. we're all still human, after all.

elsie -> RE: trying to find out why (12/26/2006 11:32:57 PM)
Once again that label "true" sub/slave, but I won't get into that. I am a submissive and have been actively involved in the lifestyle for about 7 yrs also, let me ask you a question ... Don't we all change/compromise when getting involved in a relationship? I don't expect a Dominat to change completely for me or my life but I do expect some compromises to be made on both parts, if for no other reason as a way to show respect for the other person's "vanilla" life. There are some things that we won't compromise on so we either learn to accept the person or move on.

julietsierra -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 12:54:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elsie Don't we all change/compromise when getting involved in a relationship? I don't expect a Dominat to change completely for me or my life but I do expect some compromises to be made on both parts, if for no other reason as a way to show respect for the other person's "vanilla" life. There are some things that we won't compromise on so we either learn to accept the person or move on. If you're talking about a dominant compromising in that he'll curb his desire to throw me over the couch and fuck me at will because the rest of my family his home, then yes, there are compromises to be made. If you're talking about a submissive saying "you have to _____" because everyone in her family may expect it out of the men she sees, and she's feeling uncomfortable because he's not meeting her family's expectations, then I'd say that there's no reason for him to compromise - unless he wants to. Beyond that, I'm a pretty firm believer in the dominant having a good idea of what he wants and needs out of life and out of a submissive; a submissive having a good idea what she wants and needs in life and in a dominant; them meeting and seeing how those wants and needs match up. If they do, then voila! There you go! And if they don't...then que sera sera... there he or she goes - out the door. I believe that relationships have inherent in them the art of compromise. I don't believe that the determination of whether the relationship exists in the first place is dependent on compromise. IN fact, to me, compromise should not be part of determining whether the relationship exists in the first place. Either the two people fit or they don't. Compromise - to me - should only be a part of an actual ongoing relationship - not the search to find one. But I'm kind of hard-nosed about that kind of thing. And see, the thing to remember about this point of view, is that prior to the relationship forming, the submissive can and should take this same view. So, for the person asking this question, it probably would appear that she's being very uncompromising herself. As far as the presumption that the submissive should be making changes to fit the dominant...unless there was already a relationship in place, in my opinion, that should very definitely not be happening. In my opinion, when we compromise during the search to find the person for us, we tend to chip away at things that are important for us, even without realizing we're doing that. So, during the process of meeting and determining whether a relationship can exist, I'd say "no compromise." When I was looking, I had the philosophy - and still do - that I am who I am. Either you want me or you don't. If you want me only if I would change these things about me, then you don't want me. And more importantly, I don't want you. I looked for someone with that same philosophy. I finally met him. More importantly, we fit. juliet

eyesopened -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 3:57:19 AM)
Without specifics it's really difficult to understand what exactly is frustrating You. i had a Dom accuse me of having limits and demands when i simply told Him i am not bisexual. i just stated my sexual preference and demanded nothing. If He needs a bisexual sub/slave then that just tells Him i am not a suitable candidate. Are You translating sub/slaves preferences into demands to make changes or do things?

fingerman075 -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 4:58:04 AM)
yes keep meating the same type over and over agin.im a hairm owner.just a dom not what i call a master,buthow the hell do i away end up with them having asma and diabadic,sure i pick red or alburn hair,eather stoned from pot,or drink to much,all over 180 lbs,how dose this keep happening,all tell me there shy.but its just a big lye,i dont feel i any specil powers,but they belive i do.string away what one time,wood make them go and hide,or turn red

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 5:05:23 AM)
Heaven forbid you get into a long term commitment that actually has expectations for you to live up to...much better to just blame it on all the "fake subs" rather than just say you don't want to have to be held accountable for upholding anything in a relationship and just want them to do it all and expect nothing in return. Relationships aren't like that- even Ms ones, specially when consent is involved. The fact is, people have been getting into Ms relationships all over the place in the past 7 years- the issue isn't "everyone else" here- it's you.

Voltare -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 5:57:35 AM)
Ohhhh the world owes me a livin!!! Carrick, there are a small, select breed of women who will never ask you to change. They only cost about fifty dollars an hour (I'm sure you can find them for less) but be prepared to shell out as much as two or three hundred. If you win the lottery, you can probably get a few of them to obey you, full time. If finances are a limiting factor for you, you're probably going to have to accept that relationships of any type require give and take. At the wise old age of 25, I'm sure you feel like you've exhausted every efforts, and your vast seven years of experience should render you immune to such trivial problems. Seriously, man, relax and enjoy the ride. BDSM isn't just about what you want, it's about what you can give too. To have a friend, you gotta be a friend. You don't need a slave to be Dominant, but to get a slave to obey you, you need to offer her something too. Good luck.

SmokingGun82 -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 10:13:52 AM)
Maybe the reason you haven't found a "true" or "real" sub/slave is because you're not a "true" or "real" dominant? Now, before you get all pissy, remember that you have to defend yourself not knowing what criteria I'm using to define "true" or "real." It could be that my definition includes wearing pink socks. This is essentially what you've done, in what screams of an attempt to get people to say "I'm a real sub, and I'll prove it." Such an approach is unlikely to work, by the way. You haven't found the person you're looking for yet- it's frustrating, and it can be depressing, but it's no reason to denounce everyone as frauds and fakes. When you find the one (or ones, if you're poly) you're looking for, I imagine your concerns will dry up and float away. Best of luck getting to that point. Also, I hope you recognize my opening remark as a way of making a point rather than a condemnation.

MmakeMme -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 10:19:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrCarrick Someone who is not going to ask for me to change things about myself and someone who is honest with thier feelings. I will tell you from a wild heart perspective that a sub or slave asking you to change yourself could well be testing your own strength and capability to lead her. Not that I would have done such a thing. ~suppressing a smile but unable to hide the amusement in her eyes~

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 1:23:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MmakeMme I will tell you from a wild heart perspective that a sub or slave asking you to change yourself could well be testing your own strength and capability to lead her. Not that I would have done such a thing. ~suppressing a smile but unable to hide the amusement in her eyes~ I can tell you, as you've seen me do, that I can smell that sort of thing a mile away and pretty much would shut them down instantly or just move along and forget about them. Whether these subs were doing that or honestly simply communicating their needs we simply don't know.

LadyHugs -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 2:17:37 PM)
Dear MstrCarrick, Ladies and Gentlemen; In my mind's eyes I see; what you would deem 'true' slave/submissive, is a matter of perspective and a personal ruler/guideline of what is true and or real in your mind's eyes. With the community as it is today, it offers a wide variety of individuals that are unique in their slavery/submission as perhaps you are in your domination. I do believe, that in general; we look for what is a perfect slave or submissive. They do not exist. Nobody is perfect. In addition, if you have a perfectionist nature and or any trait, where nobody will ever meet your standards; they will not. In all relationships--there will be give and takes; or compromises. That is life and not fantasy. And, to start, maintain and keep a relationship--it is a lot of hard work period. I would be lucky to find a person 80% of what I am looking for. As a Dominant, I can say that those seeking changes as to suit them, will get a response of; "What you see is what you get." The changes may be minor though once in negotiations and are reasonable. For example, I really get excited and aroused by older men in and of leather and or military/uniform men of leather. What is reasonable is having these older lads sleeping on a bed, instead of on the floor. So, in such negotiations if that is an area that is a 'change/condition' I will indeed consider it and most likely grant it; as it has no impact on the slave's attitude, behavior, mindset and service. Just the slave's older joints. I can say from my own experiences, having slaves for a number of years for a series of years. The words patience and being reasonable are wise ones. Each slave who came into my collar and in my service, have touched my heart, mind, soul and spirit. They have been my sweet and obedient companions, teachers, healers, guards, servant and loves. No matter how short or long--I am the better for them. In turn, I pass that onto the next slave; they are all the better because of their prior slave brothers. Trying to figure out why things are as they are will drive one batty. The real lesson is trying to figure why you are the way you are--and use the time to grow, learn, expand and add to the community. Exposing yourself will open windows of opportunities indeed, as well as exposing them to a lovely person you might be. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

LaTigresse -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 2:22:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fingerman075 yes keep meating the same type over and over agin.im a hairm owner.just a dom not what i call a master,buthow the hell do i away end up with them having asma and diabadic,sure i pick red or alburn hair,eather stoned from pot,or drink to much,all over 180 lbs,how dose this keep happening,all tell me there shy.but its just a big lye,i dont feel i any specil powers,but they belive i do.string away what one time,wood make them go and hide,or turn red priceless, absolutely priceless

KatyLied -> RE: trying to find out why (12/27/2006 2:36:20 PM)
quote: priceless, absolutely priceless Have you looked at his profile??

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