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RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 2:39:27 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear devoT, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Lad, one thing that is jumping out at me, in my mind's eyes I see; that there is no boundary as to what is abuse in your mind's eyes and what your Lady has in her mind's eyes as abuse.

There needs to be a chat at the table and discuss what is really on your mind and her's also.

True, women can have pain during sexual intercourse. Perhaps the doctor needs to look into that and the frustration may/maynot be manifested in the painful and brutal beatings.

Pre-BDSM exchanges, having 'sex like rabbits,' is sometimes painful to women but, from our childhood (at least mine--but I'm ancient); women were to 'suck it up' and take the pain as it was a woman's duty to sexually please, no matter how painful, how dreadful and or boring as it might be. So, the Lady did not find her voice per se--to express her mental struggles of keeping you happy and dealing with extreme pain. If hurt every time rabbit humping took place, after a while Petunia Rabbit will get a wild hare up her...err, because she knows she's going to get hurt and cannot do much about it. So it is like gritting teeth and get it over with, and Peter Rabbit will find he's holding a limp carrot, because Peter Rabbit is rather steamed about it.

Communication is highly recommended. The line between abuse and arousal needs to be made, found, acknowledged, understood and boundaries put in place.

What shouldn't happen is violence. Anger, frustration and other excuses to make you and or any other, suffer violence is NOT OK.
Consent must be reaffirmed and understand that it is the 'mental, emotional, spiritual' intent that must be good and with consent. If anybody is angry at another--walk away. Take time to calm down.
Wait until what has angered either one and or both of you, is on the table, quietly and respectfully discussed, find a solution and then proceed on to the Bunny Bed; that is fine. Just make sure each of you know the source of the reasoning behind the whipping and painful behavior.

Good luck to you both.

Respectfully submitted with a wee bit of wit,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 21

RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 2:57:37 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

You already seem to understand what to some are the right answers. I want to take a moment to make things seem very simple. How you (or anyone who reads this) take it is going to be dependant on your headspace.

By it's nature, submission is about giving up your choices, your control. Submission isn't necessarily about 'pleasant'. Submission is about some sort of sacrifice. (Of course, having something TO sacrifice is a good thing.)

Do you want to be controlled with 'surprises', actually letting someone else run the show in such a way that you don't know what is next? Or would you rather be controlled where you know most if not all of the time where it's headed?

Some people need a level of negotiation, a discussion of limits. Personally, I think it requires a different level of courage, a commitment to yourself and your partner not to want to get too picky-choosy.

Do you want to submit, or do you want a cheeseburger made with only the 'fixins' you like?

Do you see the cake on the other side of the room? It's not your choice to have it, eat it, or anything else other than gaze upon it from the other side of the room.

That's submission. That's sacrifice.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 22

RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 3:36:07 PM

WhiteRadiance

Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

DevoT

I must agree that communication is definitely in order. If you are not happy, then eventually she will no longer be happy and I am wondering if she is?
draba made an excellent point, and one that I understand completely.
Women, even Dommes, want to be seduced! We need to feel desired and treasured. Remind her that you enjoy a soft and loving touch.
Submission often loses passion- do not let your submission squash the passion that you feel. Shower her with kisses, nibbles, neck kisses and whispers. Seduce her. Remind her you are a man, not merely a whipping boy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: draba

Maybe you need to be a good romantic husband one night. My wife dommes me but prefers to have romantic sex. She likes it when I take charge and am aggresive in bed. This is why I only rarely see my Mistress side of my wife.

_____________________________

Staci

The drop of rain makes a hole in a stone not by violence, but by often falling.

(in reply to draba)

Post #: 23

RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 3:39:19 PM

devoT

Posts: 41
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline

LadyHugs,

The pain from intercourse is a recent thing. It didn't happen before. She used to love sex, and initiated it more often than I did. And I said in an earlier post that she doesn't beat me from anger.

Jeff,

Absolutely. But am I then in the wrong somehow, just because I don't like the way this is going? Is it like this for everyone? Surely, any sub is getting *something* from the consensual relationship, and not just pain, pain and pain? Surely Jeff, you are getting something you feel the exchange/sacrifice is worth, from your submission, whatever that something is, be it sexual gratification, emotions, whatever? Well, I don't feel I'm getting anything other than pain, and rightly or wrongly, this isn't why I got into this. You may argue that true sacrifice is about giving without any expectation of receiving, and I would agree with you. But I'm not at the point where I want to sacrifice my sexual side just yet. I do still want to have some sexual gratification in my marriage, and not be celibate. Maybe that makes me a novice in all this, fine; but I bet many people here are getting some sort of release, even if it's delayed. I'd just like to join them.

Anyway, I'll leave off posting for a day or two until we've had a chat, and I'll get back to you all.

Many thanks for all your responses.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 24

RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 8:49:14 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devoT
It just feels like I'm being bullied, or in an abusive relationship (although it isn't that: we do love each other!) What I actually would like is to be broken down into a true submissive. This is hard to explain, so please bear with me: but basically, all I seem to be getting at the moment is violence. And I don't really like it that much, despite the erections it gives me, and despite how much it pleases me to please my wife. However, I would quite happily endure the punishments if there was more of a sexual element.

I think it might help for you two to compare notes on what your definitions of dominance and submission are. I sense that currently your respective perspectives do not align well. The words you are using to describe the current relationship--violence, bullying, abusive--do not bode well. It is not clear to me how much you really see the relationship per these descriptions.

quote:

any opinion I offer that contradicts her own, no matter how respectfully submitted, just earns me another beating.

I think it is healthy to allow a submissive to offer an opinion without fear of consequences. Otherwise, honest opinions will cease and be replaced by what is thought to be wanted to be said. And the inability to offer an opinion may create resentment.

quote:

I guess I'd like our play to be part of our love-making, rather than replacing it entirely, which is what seems to have happened. Am I wrong to want to enjoy this lifestyle? Is my position as her submissive not meant to be fun for me too? Or do I just need a paradigm shift?

I believe there is no one way to engage in BDSM; everybody defines their brand of BDSM invidually and, when partnered, collectively. I think it is fair of you to want your needs to be met and for you to also enjoy your dynamic. Whether you need a paradigm shift or whether you should expect a change in the current BDSM dynamic is up to you. If you can find a way to be happy with a paradigm shift, great. Otherwise, in my opinion, a relationship is not as healthy as it can be when one partner is unhappy. I think there is potential for resentment that can challenge a relationship.

Imagine a weighing balance scale. On one side are things that one likes about a relationship. On the other side are things that have an opposite effect. How a relationship fares depends on how this scale balances out. I think resentment or discontent add to the side of a scale that works against the relationship.

I don't think recognizing or stating what you would like from a relationship is topping from the bottom. I think a sub should be able to have such a discussion without feeling guilty or being accused of topping from the bottom.

Usually there are two sides to a story. I do not know enough about whether your suggestions for sexual activity come across as topping from bottom or not. And it is not clear to me how much your discontent is from lack of general intimacy and how much is it from lack of anal sex. At the level of defining the dynamic, I think it is fair for you to want BDSM to be part of love making versus something that completely replaces it. That you want something does not necessarily mean it will happen. But it is fair to want it. And it is fair to expect that your partner will listen to you. Of course, the listening, areas of interests and boundaries go in both directions.

If you are unhappy with an aspect of the relationship, you can either take it as it is or emphasize how important the matter is to you. Again, different people have different dynamics. In the dynamic I envision for myself, it would be important to me that my concerns matter to my partner. In my opinion, to accept the dynamic as it is now is your choice but not your duty unless you agree to a dynamic that makes it your duty.

The change in her desire for intimacy does seem odd to me. A question for you to consider or perhaps discuss with her is whether the change is just with respect to intercourse, or is it intimacy in general.

Also, I sense involvement with an online or in-person BDSM community may help her. The comment about fearing that anal sex will cause you to become gay suggests there is more for her to know about sexuality. Her views about what makes for dominance may be similarly skewed.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 12/27/2006 9:40:10 PM >

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 25

RE: no sexual element? - 12/27/2006 9:24:45 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
I want to take a moment to make things seem very simple.
<snip>
By it's nature, submission is about giving up your choices, your control. Submission isn't necessarily about 'pleasant'.
<snip>
Do you want to be controlled with 'surprises', actually letting someone else run the show in such a way that you don't know what is next? Or would you rather be controlled where you know most if not all of the time where it's headed?
<snip>
Do you want to submit, or do you want a cheeseburger made with only the 'fixins' you like?

I think there is much complexity and the variety in psychology that exists across BDSM. I don't think it's very simple.

I don't think the dichotomy you describe is complete. One can have a non-scripted dynamic and still have desires and boundaries. Submission does not have to be pleasant at all times. What is pleasant or not is subjective. But I think submission has to be pleasant overall to the person submitting for the relationship to sustain.

I think it is fair for a submissive to have the commitment to self to recognize when he is unhappy. To the extent your Burger King metaphor suggests it is wrong for a submissive to have or express wants, I disagree. In my opinion, your metaphor serves to create guilt for having such wants by suggesting that a submissive who feels as much is being pushy or scripting the dynamic.

Also, it seems you are saying if something seems not right, the submissive should just suck it up. I think a relationship requires contribution from both sides.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 26

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 4:10:23 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Maybe if you stop verbalizing your disappointment over not getting enough sexual attention and focus more on pleasing her she'll relax and incorporate more sex once she's not feeling pressured to do so.

BINGO !!!!!

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 27

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 4:53:50 AM

agorwarrior

Posts: 20
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline

There are more Red flags here than Moscow on May Day. Leaving the BDSM element out for a minute, a relationship is about the needs of both being satisfied and good communication. If one party remains unsatisfied long enough, the final outcome is very predictable. CYA and prepare for it.

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 28

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 7:20:30 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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Hi Again,
If her pain during sex is a recient development I'd say there's potentially a syst or infection.
Your wife should go have an examination for sure.
suzanne

(in reply to agorwarrior)

Post #: 29

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 7:48:46 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance

DevoT

I must agree that communication is definitely in order. If you are not happy, then eventually she will no longer be happy and I am wondering if she is?
draba made an excellent point, and one that I understand completely.
Women, even Dommes, want to be seduced! We need to feel desired and treasured. Remind her that you enjoy a soft and loving touch.
Submission often loses passion- do not let your submission squash the passion that you feel. Shower her with kisses, nibbles, neck kisses and whispers. Seduce her. Remind her you are a man, not merely a whipping boy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: draba

Maybe you need to be a good romantic husband one night. My wife dommes me but prefers to have romantic sex. She likes it when I take charge and am aggresive in bed. This is why I only rarely see my Mistress side of my wife.

I agree with the above, also. I re-read the OP and what hit me the most is the loss of intimacy.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)

Post #: 30

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 8:05:34 AM

MoonGoddessIsis

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I have to agree with those that have said just relax and ease up on the sexual side a bit. Find the real reason you are submissive to Her. Is it just sexual? Do you have the need to pamper and care for Her? Find yourself first then the rest should follow.

Sit down and have a heart to heart with Her. Find out what you both want out of the situation. If you are both honest and open things will go a lot smoother.

Goddess Moon

_____________________________

"Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before"

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 31

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 5:58:01 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Devo... THIS is why I say that one can be too young (mentally and experience-wise) to practice D/s BDSM.

She sounds as if she knows only the character of a dominatrix. There is a heart, mind and compassion that needs to go along with it. It almost sounds as if she is taking her internal anger out on you. Downright dispassionate cruelty has no place in this. A Domme CARES for her property. (this is my opinion.. and probably why I've remained married so long as well have a slave for 10 years- but "what do I know" - PLENTY )

I'll even address the elephant in the living room... there is quite an age difference. You have gotten yourself a "young thing" (by comparison) and are in fear of failing her and looking foolish.

Sit her down.. eyeball to eyeball.. and tell her what you have told us here. You have nothing to loose other than a bad situation (because it would improve) OR loosing an abusive spouse.

I tend to agree with LotusSong. The first thing that came to mind when I read your posting, devoT, is that your relationship was one of "control without compassion". There are certainly relationships that function that way (wouldn't be my choice), but I would pay attention to the fact that that there was a definite change in some aspects of your marriage and that you are now expressing some level of unhappiness. The sentence you used "I don't regard her as an abusive wife, I just said that, with just all violence and no (or very little) sex, our relationship feels like an abusive one, but only in that respect. In all other areas, we get on just great, we enjoy life together, and enjoy each other's company. In all other areas, we're blissfully happy" is very contradictory.

I hope you can take some time to really discuss things as husband and wife, without the "violence".

Best of luck to you,
Julie

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 32

RE: no sexual element? - 12/28/2006 9:25:09 PM

draba

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/22/2006
Status: offline

I agree with Lotus Song. Communicate!! Does you wife know much about BDSM. It was only this week after a 14 hour drive to visit relatives and long discussions with my wife that she really relized that dominace does not always include pain and/or punishment. She may be fustrated and may think she is giving you what you want. Fortunaely for me, my wife gave me two sessions this week while away from home. One was with corporal punishment, yet the second one was pure sensual bliss under her direction and control. My wife does not like seeing me in a subserviant role which is why she did not want to domme me often. Now that she knows about sensual control and satisfaction, this may change.

The moral is communicate, communicate, and then talk. Then play. This is supposed to be fun and an accessory to life.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 33

RE: no sexual element? - 12/29/2006 7:04:36 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

While I think this has been touched on, I don't think it was crystallized.

I've been involved with dominant women a few times in my life. As a dominant, the attraction for us seemed to be focused more on the amount of energy we had to offer the other. Had one of us become submissive, there's no doubt that the same energy would have been there, but the way it becomes expressed might have become mis-understood. In your effort to be the best slave you can be, she might be finding you are no longer the man she fell in love with. Did you consider that perhaps she wants you to be rough, or possibly even dominate her - even if only in the bedroom on occasion? The rules of M/s seem hard and fast, but the application in reality isn't.

I think you've done a good job at looking at yourself and your relationship with her, to identify where some things are going wrong. Obviously, talking the issues out is important, but bringing the same issue up over and over can turn it into a broken record. It sounds a bit like she feels she's being pushed into one role (as a Mistress) to the exclusion of the other roles (as wife, lover, friend.) A break from the Ms interaction, say a few days vacation away from the house to somewhere pretty and quiet, might be in order. Towards the end of it, sit down with her and have a talk about your issues over a bottle of wine (or orange smoothies.)

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 34

RE: no sexual element? - 12/29/2006 10:30:11 AM

devoT

Posts: 41
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline

Hi, many thanks for everyone's input. Time for a little update!
We've had our little chat, and talked some things through. There ARE some other issues, outside of BDSM, that are affecting our relationship. They're not overly serious or insurmountable, and are hopefully just temporary. My wife explained that she just doesn't FEEL sexy at the moment. This, in her words, has more to do with external issues rather than how she feels about me or what we do in the bedroom (or kitchen, living room etc). I mentioned before we both worked from home; we're freelancers and work has been a bit slow this last few months, and money is tight at the moment. We've had to cut back on a lot of things, like eating/going out etc, all the usual fun things we like to do. This constant worry about how we're managing from one month to the next has affected my wife's ability to perform, if you see what I mean. I'm different: I tend to see sex as an escape from external troubles, a chance to forget about them for a while, while my wife prefers to have everything in the background nice and neat and taken care of before she feels she can relax fully and enjoy sex.
So that's one issue. Another is that she injured her back in a fall earlier this year. It still hasn't healed properly, and while it is healing slowly, and she is getting regular treatment, it is still causing some discomfort. So this too is preventing anything particularly acrobatic. Again, it's just another nagging thing at the back of her mind, preventing her from fully relaxing. I'm sure the women reading this will fully understand where she's coming from with this.

Next, we discussed the whole strap-on/buttplug thing. Basically, she says that sticking things up my bum doesn't turn her on. She knows the effect on me, but it just doesn't do anything for her. Perhaps we can reach some sort of compromise on this with time. I'd be interested in other people's (especially Mistresses') perspectives on this. Some Mistresses seem to really get off on fucking their man, perhaps others don't? Is this something you do to your slaves because it drives you wild, or because you know it drives him wild? Or do you do it because it makes him more submissive, even though it does nothing for you? Is there anything my wife could do to enable her to enjoy this activity more?

As for the whipping, it's really more of a simple misunderstanding based on lack of communication: quite simply, she sees how I get an erection from it, and thought that I really enjoyed it. Well, I kind of do, but it's more the fact I'm being dominated that is giving me the erection, not the actual pain from the whipping. Conversely, she's seen me lose my erection when the butt plug is inserted, even though in my head, I find this even more satisfying in terms of submission. But the reason I go flaccid when the butt plug is in, is simply because it shifts my whole attention away from my genitalia to my anus.

So, anyway, after our chat, things seem a bit more on an even keel. Yes, there's some issues, like the financial situation, that will take time to resolve. But it's a great relief to know that it's essentially an external issue and not something wrong with US as a couple. She's agreed to introduce more of a sexual element. It's been a difficult chat in some respects, because if I simply issue instructions about what I want, and she follows them, it's not quite me being the submissive one is it? And if I'm not being submissive, then I won't get as turned on. The whole point for me is that I'm NOT in control of what is happening, so I don't really want to steer her too much. However, we are still in the early stages of this, so we do need to find the right balance of what works for both of us. How it will turn out, and what we'll end up doing, I don't know, but I hope it will be fun finding out!

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 35

RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 6:31:33 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Good to hear that you were able to talk and work some things out.

I think it's always a bit awkward when couples first start out in D/s because there needs to be that time where you find out what each other enjoys, and I know a lot of submissives are uncomfortable talking about what they enjoy, because it makes them feel less submissive. What kinds of things does your wife enjoy? I agree that it's a good idea to find out the activities you both like and build from there. Perhaps your wife can explore some of the activities and add some special "twists" that make it more exciting for her.

If you think she would like someone to talk to and discuss ideas, feel free to email me on my profile here.

Best of luck to you!

Julie

< Message edited by LadyJulieAnn -- 12/30/2006 6:34:26 AM >

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 36

RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 6:54:56 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I think you two are on the right path. It's great that you talked things out and got some of your issues resolved.

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 37

RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 8:22:58 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

devoT

I love happy endings :) Good work :) There is a saying "Tough times don't last, tough people do". Hang in there.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 12/30/2006 8:25:16 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 38

RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 9:39:01 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm glad you two talked, devoT.

Please don't think that one talk will fix everything -- you will probably have to not only have several talks but also work on making things better for both of you throughout your relationship. Some folks do this through regular set-aside times to evaluate things; others just deal with things as they come up.

You're wife needing to relax before she can desire sex seems to be fairly common to many American women at least. I think it's partly how we are raised to take care of the house and everyond else before we are "allowed" to take care of ourselves. Since that isn't the case for you, maybe you can figure out things you can do (without being ordered) that would lessen her stress.

Since income is a big issue maybe another part-time job or a project or two you can do to make extra income right now. Which of you takes cares of bills and balancing the accounts? Tom took over those jobs for us because I was too stressed about them -- I make the majority of decisions in my household (vanilla and kinky) but that was just an extra stress I didn't need. See if there's something your wife does that you could take over to help with her stress level.

Just some unasked for and possibly unwanted suggestions.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 39

RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 3:42:47 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devoT
Next, we discussed the whole strap-on/buttplug thing. Basically, she says that sticking things up my bum doesn't turn her on. She knows the effect on me, but it just doesn't do anything for her. Perhaps we can reach some sort of compromise on this with time. I'd be interested in other people's (especially Mistresses') perspectives on this. Some Mistresses seem to really get off on fucking their man, perhaps others don't? Is this something you do to your slaves because it drives you wild, or because you know it drives him wild? Or do you do it because it makes him more submissive, even though it does nothing for you? Is there anything my wife could do to enable her to enjoy this activity more?

It's the power and control that do it for me, whether those come from meting out something he really wants carefully, or doing it in a more forceful/sadistic way, or doing it because my partner doesn't like it/it pushes his limits.

My strapon, which provides vaginal, anal and clit stimulation for me, and just looks/feels damn sexy and powerful, does give me a lot of pleasure, but just sticking things up his ass? Not so much. I have to find the attraction in it for it to provide even the least bit of mental pleasure.

I think the trick is to find aspects that pleasure her. Perhaps fucking you with the toy or making you wear the plug while she crops you is an attractive thought. Maybe it's making you sit there with it in, as she masturbates, or fuck yourself with it for her amusement while she works, or using it as a rare reward will turn her on. I'd suggest her starting with things she DOES get pleasure from, then using some creativity to work anal play into that. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but it's how I've been able to work a lot out.

I'm very glad you were able to communicate and clear some things up. As I was reading, it struck me that your misunderstandings on things like whipping could have been avoided had you had a system in place to communicate during aftercare (which also applies to punishment in my world) or on a regular basis. Perhaps you could come up with a phrase that signals you need to communicate as loving partners, without fear of punishment (e.g. "I need to speak freely," or "Timeout," or "Communication safeword."). Some couples even put a note in a designated area to signal. You could also respectfully suggest setting aside a time to talk freely during aftercare; I might say to my sub, "Do you need to talk freely?" or something similar to signal they're welcome to share their thoughts/feelings on how things are going. At that point, I'd expect issues like your whipping/erection one to be cleared up.

A lot of this, I think, is building a framework so things run more smoothly and healthily. In my case, a fair amount of that has to happen BEFORE I get into the heavier stuff. I see a lot of value in your experiences - a ton of opportunities to learn, grow and do differently in the future, and I hope you two are able to take full advantage of them and find more fulfillment.

(in reply to devoT)

Post #: 40

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