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RE: no sexual element? - 12/30/2006 4:42:41 PM

sophia37

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Putting up and shutting up DevoT, just wont work for you in the long run. Im still waiting to here what it is SHE wants, without that knowledge, this is all just specualtion. Good luck to you, But staying in this predicament, may not work forever for you.

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Post #: 41

RE: no sexual element? - 12/31/2006 2:22:34 AM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
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I'm going to start out by saying I have a terrible headcold and I am befuzzed from Nyquil

Just a suggestion, you may want to think about incorporating a scheduled sit down to discuss what is going on monthly. (or however often the two of you are comfortable with.) You could try journaling your feelings as well. This may be helpful, especially later, as you see how problems have been resolved over time and how the relationship has evolved over the years. Not to mention how your own views on submission change and grow. It is going to take alot more communcation over the years to come, one talk isn't going to make things peachy.

My main concern however is that I noticed you listed all these things she spoke about that are seeming to cause stress and a lack of intimacy. I didn't really notice your mentioning ways in which you could alleviate these concerns and make things better. While it is great that you two were able to talk about where the problems lie; what was discussed about resolving the problems that are at issue? (Obviously you may have discussed solutions but simply didn't mention doing so or what they were.)

Perhaps you could focus on ways in which to improve things (that obviously won't really cost anything) but might make her feel better and less anxious. How about treating her to an in home spa day? A bubble bath, a massage, etc without any sort of expectation of sex in return? If money is a concern what ways could you sacrifice in order to bring in some extra money until things get back on an even keel? Could you get a part time job to bring in some money? Perform a service to someone else to earn something extra until things go back to normal?

As far as your both being new..well you have the forums here for advice and feedback how about looking to see if there are some groups in your area that are for Dominant women for her to learn from? There are some great books out there as well even at your local B&N or Borders and Amazon's site. If you're comfortable with the ideal introduce her to the forums here as well so she can ask questions and get in contact with other dominant females to get feedback from or talk with about things. I would be happy to send a list of websites that cover a variety of aspects of D/s or go through some of the Dominant Female profiles that have given such wonderful advice on this thread and see if they would be willing to talk with her for one on one feedback and advice. I would definitely suggest asking her if she would like to do that prior to actually doing it though! Just a few ways for her to perhaps figure out what intrigues and excites her within the lifestyle and you won't feel quite so much like you're topping from the bottom. Feel free to email me here if she would like to talk to other female doms and I'll be happy to talk with her.

Now, I'm taking my nyquil drugged brain to bed and apologize if I've babbled incoherently.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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Post #: 42

RE: no sexual element? - 12/31/2006 4:11:00 AM

devoT

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Joined: 12/27/2006
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Weirdly enough, although I don't have any problem discussing my sexual life with a bunch of complete strangers, I feel rather uncomfortable discussing my financial and personal situation:-) So let's just say that my wife's concerns have been taken on board, and steps have been taken to alter the situation for the better, and we'll leave it at that:-)

Communication: yes, we need more. Some excellent suggestions have been made, and I thank everyone who made them.
BeautifulRacket: Wow, some great ideas, many thanks for your "thrusting", "powerful" er... "input". You "rammed home" your "point" rather well. Thank you:-)

Happy New Year to you all.

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Post #: 43

RE: no sexual element? - 12/31/2006 3:36:54 PM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

At times, I will deliberately err, just so I can get a whipping, as it's practically the only "sexual" attention I get from her these days.

I also don't lack the confidence to know that I could get another woman if I wanted, no problem. But I don't want another woman. I want my wife. And I want our life together to be fulfilling for both of us.

We have talked about this, but her reaction is usually to prematurely end the discussion with another beating. Hence my posting here, in an effort to get some advice as to how to move beyond this point. While I haven't really got the advice I was hoping for yet, I do think Draba's post came close. It switched on a light bulb, anyway. Perhaps, just coz we're new to this, we've tried rushing too far ahead too soon. Perhaps, because of her youth and general life experience being slightly less than mine, I'm pushing her too far without realising it. Perhaps I just need to give her more time to get used to this idea of being more in charge than she's ever been before. Perhaps strap-on sex will come with time, and I just have to be more patient. Perhaps, as her dominance and my submission grow, she will naturally gravitate towards this method of sex, whether I want it or not.

Couple thoughts here. I was in a relationship with approximately the same age spread where he was an alpha male and I a dominant woman that was subordinate only to him. I get the attraction on both sides and the "innocence factor" that can lead to these types of arrangements. 18 months into marriage and you pulled out kink to "spice things up" little did you realize you were opening a can of whoop ass and not a spice shaker. From what I've highlighted above it seems like she was somehow educated on what dominance is via porn. The my way or the highway I'll whip you till you like it idea doesn't last well long term...as you're learning. Intentional disobedience, conversations where you know you'll be punished and expectations that seem more sexual than anything are not the way to fix this.
There are many good manuals on "finding ones self" in the lifestyle. Many of these show that there are different flavors or levels of kink. She may be operating on the level of a sadist and you were looking for a spicy mistress you can top from the bottom...oops. Learning more about the lifestyle on your own might be a non-threatening way to introduce a more open mind. Google John Warren, greenery press or any of the other threads listing "how to's" castlerealm.com was also helpful in my own evolution.

There is a catch. You created her (whatever she is) and as mistress her rules apply. This is one of the reasons that threads go on 15-20 pages about no-limit slaves that don't negotiate. They tend to end up un-happy, mis-matched or physically harmed because they didn't have simple discussions about expectations. If there isn't a "safe zone" to discuss needs and expectations you have an even bigger problem.
It seems that your complaints are more sexual than anything. You're not "getting yours" they way you expected. This should have been part of the initial negotiations. The reality is you had in your head that young & sexy mistress/ wife would be the answer to all the mid life crisis fantasies you ever had and it's taken a curve from that script. You have choices, give up the idea that you're in charge and accept where this road has taken you, have an open and frank discussion about needs and expectations, or re-think where this road has taken you and take back the crop.

I would likely not still love and cherish my alpha if he had submitted to me as I look at him on a very different plain than one of my pets. Strong and powerful on my leash is a great thrill but as you're learning it only works if both are getting their needs met. Part of negotiation is learning that he really likes pony play and I really like clean floors. Fortune 500 exec playing pony that "eats and kills dust bunnies" saddled, bitted and hand oiling the floors worked for us both. My tack and floors were never so clean and he thrilled in the release of the saddle that "removed the burdon's he's saddled with".

You've handed the keys to the castle to the little princess without discussing or fully thinking through the consequences. The reality is you set this in motion and are the only one that can fix it.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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Post #: 44

RE: no sexual element? - 12/31/2006 7:11:12 PM

PsyVamp

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devoT,

I am going to go outside of my Dominant personality and throw myself in the memories of my last relationship as he too was "over endowed".
1) She doesn't have to be involved with someone else to not want penetration.
2) It may have been uncomfortable for her in the beginning but she may have not felt secure enough to say something.

I don't know if that will help at all and I really don't want to get into any "advice" as I do not know your dynamics.
I will honestly tell you that I lost interest in intercourse when he started spending more time with the bottle than he did with me or the family and I am glad he and I were not into the lifestyle or things may have gotten ugly.
Psy

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Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

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Post #: 45

RE: no sexual element? - 12/31/2006 8:13:07 PM

devoT

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OK, first off I just want to say that I'm really grateful and thankful for the genuine concern that everyone here has shown us as a newbie couple getting into this for the first time. It's quite touching. Seriously, it's really nice. Thank you all.
At this point in our journey, it seems we don't have a single straight road in front of us; we have a multitude of paths we could wander down. Some will no doubt not be to our liking, and we will wander off down another path instead. All however, we will learn something about ourselves from.
I've found something else out; it seems my wife's mother's first husband turned out to be gay. They got married at a time when being gay was a stigma. It seems that this may be the root cause of my wife's fear that anal play between us may turn me gay; almost as if history is repeating itself. Funnily enough, despite the past, and her reluctance to insert anything into my anus, my wife has expressed interest in seeing me drinking my own sperm (more a threat than a promise), and verbalizes her fantasy of me being fucked by another man (not something I particularly desire). It seems obvious this is related.
Yes, I freely admit that it was partly the desire for kinky sex that led us down this route, a way to spice things up a little, try something we hadn't done before. But it also felt more natural for both of us, instead of conforming to societal expectations. And yes, it hasn't turned out quite the way I fantasized about it. But that's OK. All the better really. If the route was already mapped out, and we knew exactly where it would end up, half of (most of?) the fun would disappear. I'm starting to become interested in the idea of enforced chastity, which is something I never thought would happen. I like the idea that the only sex I get is strapon sex. Maybe this will happen, maybe it won't. We'll just have to wait and see. All I know is we'll have to discuss this more and more each step of the way, and find a path we both want to walk down hand in hand. The coming year promises to be interesting:-)

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Post #: 46

RE: no sexual element? - 1/2/2007 12:47:44 AM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: devoT

I'm starting to become interested in the idea of enforced chastity, which is something I never thought would happen. I like the idea that the only sex I get is strapon sex. Maybe this will happen, maybe it won't. We'll just have to wait and see. All I know is we'll have to discuss this more and more each step of the way, and find a path we both want to walk down hand in hand.

Should you decide to journey down this path, make certain you look into the issue of its affect on prostate health. Your wife will need to see that you have a scheduled orgasmic release or else "milk" you (massage your prostrate to induce ejaculation without an orgasm) on a similar basis in order to reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

quote:

The coming year promises to be interesting:-)

Or a year of cumming not so very often, as the case might be.

- pixel

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Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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Post #: 47