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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 1:55:44 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

(it's the trustworthy and able to trust that seems to trip them all up).
I have met people on here with whom I've emailed and talked on the phone over months, but they are too paranoid to give a first name...  Can you say immediate way to shut yourself from any possibility with me?    I have little patience for people who are unable to trust.    Those things could be discovered if one were intent on it, but as I'm not psychotically insane, I give most people the benefit until I find out different.

I agree that we are overscreening, but than again most people here would think me excessively spontaneous, and not entirely safety conscious when it comes to meeting people...   I don't like to email/chat or talk on the phone forever until we know everything, as I figure that is what sitting down and talking to another is about.   I would love it if after first "I don't hate you, you might do emails" we sit accross from each other and decide if/whether we can have a reasonable conversation without giving one another the creeps, but that is just me.   M

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 2:09:02 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes I think many people don't really want to meet because they want people to jump too many obstacles and through too many hoops. I went beyond what I think is sensible once and I won't do it again. I think many people fantasize but when it comes to the crunch they bottle out. I always thought the idea was to meet people and then decide what you think of them, not decide what you think of them and then not meet them. It's all a load of bollocks. I won't even indulge in the nonsense anymore.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 2:14:55 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Not only do I see "over-screeners", I see people in their 20's who mark every "talent" they have as "expert". And then I just laugh and laugh. I must honestly say, I'd love to meet all thses experts. Thats gotta be a hoot and a holler to see this kind of talent in action. 

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 2:17:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		As long as its working for her and she's happy with the results, then it's fine.

We should all have requirements, whether we number and list them out or not.  I probably have a dozen or so if I stopped to think about them- not smoking, not wanting children, not wanting marriage, local, open poly (really two in one), good dresser...etc etc.

I don't seem to have a problem with any of my requirements being met and still having fabulously fulfilling relationships.

It's only a problem if you aren't gettng the results you want.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 2:55:05 PM   
TreeStrength


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/20/2006
Status: offline 		Looking for one online is a wonderful start...but prolonging the introduction is a sure recipe for becoming disinterested.  One can learn within (at most) a week or two whether there is enough in common to make you both want to meet.  Slow and careful should not mean an endless dance of emails.  True relationships begin with the first in-person smile exchanged...

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 3:23:02 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
WOW, and I thought I was picky!  I LOVE this topic.
Clearly, it does not appear easy for most people to find suitable mates around here.
Profiles to me, are the front line of the screening process.  I look for interests that are
deal breakers, to me personally.  Usually, after I screen out the deal breakers, I don't have
that many potentials available.  I read all the profiles on here, male, female, Dom/Domme, sub, and switch.
I have found that many "submissive" males and females seem to have more demands and needs and
requirements than the Dominant's!  I just laugh, there are many profiles that I pass on because I am seeking a
submissive and not answering a job description!
Keep laughing and good luck.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 12/28/2006 3:26:26 PM >

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To Each His/Her Own
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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 4:32:57 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have my pre-qualifications like everyone else. They were more about what was inside a person than the outside. I have talked with several men that were adequate from what I could tell of them over the internet, hooked up with the third one I met via online sites. It just clicked and is continuing to click in both a Ds way, and on a human level. We shall see as time marches on, but I am extremely hopeful.

I think that if you know there are things that you could not live with, such as smoking or drinking, then you need to honor that. The person I hooked up is almost everything I had on my list of desired qualities, except he is not crazy about antiques the same way I am... and that is ok. My list had at least 20 criteria on it, not all of it was a "have to have", but I still got my long list of wants (95% of them anyways).

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 5:55:52 PM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

The internet has opened up the world. We have many, many more people that we can contact. I don't think it's unreasonable to be more selective in the process. If it seems that what she wants is too excessinve, she's not the one for you.

Master Fire



Exactly MFM....and you used my word too.  i like to think i am selective, not picky.  The ad i had on was quite detailed in what i was looking for.  i felt i spelled out my 'hard limits' very clearly.  But my ad has really been a work in progress for 6 years now.  So it goes like this:
 
i am contacted by a dom who seems, by his ad and/or email, basically compatible.  We share a few emails to explore that further then we move on to the phone.  i really have no interest in weeks of endless emails....nor hours upon hours of one line messenger chats.
 
So we get on the phone:
 
Dom 1)  Turns out he's a switch.  Sorry not interested in that....bye.  i then make sure i add 'no switches' to my profile.
 
Dom 2)  While on the phone, i hear a female in the background.  "Who's that?"   "Oh, the sub who lives in the apartment downstairs.  i mentor her and all her emails have to go through me first."  Sorry not interested in that in a partner....bye.  Then add in my profile that i am not looking for one mentoring other subs, etc,etc, etc.
 
Dom 3)  While on the phone, he mentions going to see an attorney tomorrow.  "For what?"  "i'm trying to get custody of my kids."  Sorry, not interested in a guy with kids living in the house....bye.  Add yet another 'limit' to my profile.
 
So this goes on and on until before i know it, after 6 years, i've got quite the list of what i don't want.  It's been a culmination.  And i do this just so i don't have to engage in these 'going nowhere' conversations any more than i have to.  But i don't see this as a bad thing either.
 
So i appreciate it when you say "If it seems that what she wants is too excessinve, she's not the one for you." because that is exactly how i feel about it too.  Thanks.
 
DG


 
 

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 7:48:14 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Dom 1)  Turns out he's a switch.  Sorry not interested in that....bye.  i then make sure i add 'no switches' to my profile.
 
Dom 2)  While on the phone, i hear a female in the background.  "Who's that?"   "Oh, the sub who lives in the apartment downstairs.  i mentor her and all her emails have to go through me first."  Sorry not interested in that in a partner....bye.  Then add in my profile that i am not looking for one mentoring other subs, etc,etc, etc.
 
Dom 3)  While on the phone, he mentions going to see an attorney tomorrow.  "For what?"  "i'm trying to get custody of my kids."  Sorry, not interested in a guy with kids living in the house....bye.  Add yet another 'limit' to my profile. 
 
EWWWWWWWWW
Are you sure these Dom's are not also submissive's?
I run into the same sort of people.
Wait! we are both talking about men here.
Now I get it.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 8:03:55 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

Personally I don't have a set list of have to haves. All I stated in my profile while I was looking was that I was not willing to relocate out of province and preferred not to have to relocate at all but being realistic, that chances of finding someone where I am is pretty slim.

I don't think there is anything wrong per se in having a list of pre-qualifiers, but if you are not flexible on them then your chances of finding someone is going to be seriously reduced.

I don't believe you can find a match by going down a list and checking off boxes that they fit into. No one fits perfectly into any lil box. Every relationship takes work and compromise. Plus, you have to meld on more then just a criteria of kinks, age and location.

I did 3 things in a row that I thought I'd never do....

1. I messaged a Dom first
2. His profile was blank except likes, dislikes, age, general area and pictures
3. He lived 7 hours away. (My "criteria" had been no more then 4 hours away)

We met with in 3 weeks and I broke my #1 rule that day.

All I can say is.. Thank God I did everything I said I'd never do.

Having a guideline of criterias is all well and good, but you really need to be willing to alter your course as well if you feel it's the right thing to do. I'd never dismiss someone just because they did not fit every lil thing I was looking for.

< Message edited by akisha -- 12/28/2006 8:34:22 PM >

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/28/2006 8:23:10 PM   
MistressYlwa


Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Is writing lengthy profiles with 27 prequalification demands, followed by days weeks or months of online communication really a better investment of our time and energy than exchanging an e-mail or two, a phone call or two, then meeting?  And what's more important, is it a more effective for finding suitable matches?


The old ways worked for me.
 
My husband (slave) and I met online. We talked about a 2 weeks, online then on the phone. I met him and his slave of 3 yrs. We dated, played, and married within a year. We had a very happy poly family and were together for 12 1/2 yrs, before he passed away.
 
As for my interests, after 30+ years they are many and varied. But I don't have a long list of "must" requirements. Collar Me has a great interest list. However, I wish they would separate the "vanilla" interests from the bdsm interests on the profiles. Can be TMI, for me. A quick look at the lifestyle interests and, if they mesh with mine,  I can talk to them about other the other things.
 
I don't care to spend an exhorbitant amount of time online, before I meet someone. If they have such strong trust issues, then they are not for me. As a psychologist, I counsel people for a living and have no desire to have a "patient" for a partner.
 
This is how I handle meeting someone online and it has served me well.
 
Mistress Ylwa

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You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 3:33:30 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		i really like your Amy Tan quote  ^_^

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 5:14:27 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Maybe its a good thing things have changed. With the rate of divorces and unhappy endings these days, maybe people are finally wising up and realising "chemistry" isn't everything its cracked up to be and a successful relationship is going to rely on a lot more factors. Maybe people are trying to prevent themselves from setting themselves up for grief and that can't be a bad thing hey...making knowledgeable choices in life has to be a good thing..


See, I think that the whole process of trying to avoid bad things is really just fear. People are trying so hard to avoid things like divorce and broken hearts that they are setting up goals that are impossible to meet OR have difficult goals and then find the chemistry isn't right even when those goals are met.

Even more than that though, it seems people are trying, through their never-ending lists of requirements, to build in a few dates, what it takes most couples years and years to develop. It appears that many people want a 25 year relationship 25 minutes into their first meet - and it just does not work that way.

I have a lot of "must haves" in my life. I have responsibilities and some of those responsibilities require potential dominants to have a proper mind-set about the beliefs behind those responsibilities. For instance, if someone I were to meet were to say, derisively, that ... too much money is being spent to take care of people who are a drain on this country's resources, then I'd get up in that moment and walk away. I have a daughter who is developmentally disabled and there's no way I'll bring someone into my life that will eventually touch her life who thinks that way. He would have bounced himself out of my consideration long before we talked about anything sexual. If he was looking to travel and wanted to take me along, while I might like that, I'd have to pass. She lives with me and until she's ready to move out, she will continue to live with me. She's 19 and showing no signs of being ready to leave yet. I have a responsibility to her that supercedes anything a potential dominant might think is important. If someone doesn't understand that, then we have nothing further to talk about.

And I have lots and lots of requirements like that - but they're based on the realities of my life, not on a fear of becoming involved with someone who might hurt me.

Beyond that, what I've also found to be true is that many people have unrealistic expectations of what they're looking for as well as unrealistic expectations of the behavior of the people they find. I can't tell you the number of times I've read "if he does _____, then I'm gone" when ______ really most often happens because of human error or mistakes in judgment. To me, people who believe other people are infallible are making the greatest mistake of all.

So, I'll go with chemistry first, then with healthy conversation and the discovery process that makes dating someone fun. And after that - I stick to things and work on what needs work rather than walk away at the least little difficulty.

Holding true to realistic expectations has lost me a lot of possibilities out there, which, if you think about it, were no real possibilities at all. What holding true to those expectations did do though is to find me someone who fits very well into what I need in my life from a partner, a dominant, a Master.

I don't think having a lot of expectations is bad. I think that having unrealistic expectations is the problem.

juliet

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 5:54:11 AM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline
quote:



I only had one "pre-qualification"; willingness to meet in person. I had no desire to establish a "on-line" romance/relationship; no desire to be the fulfillment of a cuckold husband's fantasy. Meeting was my goal for every contact I imitated or was initiated by someone contacting me. Once introduction were over and got beyond the first or second exchange of email, discussion involved arranging a time/place to see each other. NOT play - not scene; a simple coffee, lunch, dinner, or park bench meeting to talk and determine the profile represented the person accurately. To that end, I disclosed everything to accomplish the goal with the safety of myself and the person contacted. I took the initiative of disclosing all my phone numbers, business/personal, address, and a link to my business website where they could confirm my name and see a picture confirming my identity and that the picture I had sent them wasn't dated or showed the way I "used to, or want to look" 50 pounds and 5 years ago.

I told everyone, that my limit was waiting two weeks to arrange a meeting. If I couldn't make them comfortable with me or we discovered a that we weren't compatible in that time, I moved on.

"Qualifications", limits, experience, and all the other details would come up if/when we met. I didn't feel it necessary or critical that I "qualified" anyone based on what they could tell me in an email, or discuss with me by phone. I also knew that I "don't do phone". A phone to me is identified with business. My goal with the phone is to get off of it ASAP. I KNOW I convey that on the phone if I'm speaking with anyone.

************************************************************************************



This is probably another thread but I need to ask how is it that here 
This dom is stating he uses a 2-3 e mail exchange--- set up a meeting to exchange all info --  then after a   2 week time frame  has decided if they are compatiable. 


But now everyone says to spend several weeks talking on line, then a month or more on phone calls then meet  and date for several months, so all in all it takes 6 months to deide. 

I myself would like a happy medium.  Maybe a total of 3-5 months.  a Dom who understands the need to give the sub his full name and address place of business references that can be accounted and checked. She of course is to do the same for him.  If he lives a distance she could move within his town area into an apt for a 6 month lease and that would allow them to see how things work out. You may or may not agree with this agreement.  Of course this may not work for all cases, only set ones.  But hopefully I will not have to look much longer. 


Patina 

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 5:59:03 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		alot of people on here are overly picky...but that's life.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 6:28:18 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina


************************************************************************************




But now everyone says to spend several weeks talking on line, then a month or more on phone calls then meet  and date for several months, so all in all it takes 6 months to deide. 

I myself would like a happy medium.  Maybe a total of 3-5 months.  a Dom who understands the need to give the sub his full name and address place of business references that can be accounted and checked. She of course is to do the same for him.  If he lives a distance she could move within his town area into an apt for a 6 month lease and that would allow them to see how things work out. You may or may not agree with this agreement.  Of course this may not work for all cases, only set ones.  But hopefully I will not have to look much longer. 


Patina 


I'm not trying to be mean but here's what I hear when people say they need to talk online for 3-5 or more months before ever meeting.

"I don't trust myself well enough to meet someone in a public place for conversation."

And I'd ask you, if you met someone - say at a party - would you make them wait for 3-5 months before going out for coffee or dinner? Would you tell them that they had to talk to you from across the room because for 3-5 months, you don't trust them - or yourself - enough to stand or sit next to them to engage in a conversation? Does that sound odd to you?

What exactly are you afraid of anyway?

And talking online for that amount of time? Again, to me, it reads like someone's trying to establish a relationship before even meeting the person they want the relationship with. Patina, according to your profile, you're not 20 years old anymore. Considering it takes people sometimes years to find the person they fit well with, just how long are you willing to search? According to your schedule, you're talking about meeting - in person - 2 to 4 men/women a YEAR.

Can I buy into that fountain of youth you have hidden away somewhere?

I'm not trying to be cruel - and there are people who will say I am, but at 47(me) and 51( you), we just don't have that kind of time left. Are you saying you want to expend all that energy for up to nearly half a YEAR of talking to, and developing feelings for someone you've never even met, just to meet them and find out they're NOT the one for you?

Two weeks, no clicketyclack of the keyboard, no beep beep of the phone ad nauseum...just meet - in person. Make it a public place. Hell, even over the counter of broccoli at the grocery store works if it's that frightening. But meet. Decide if there's even any chemistry at all to work with before committing that amount of time and effort into what ends up amounting to each individual's imagination.

And this isn't even beginning to address the whole idea that to have coffee means I need to know where someone works or they need to know where I work. I did that once - being the "safety conscious submissive" that I was. I ended up having to tell my BOSS of my interests because the "safety conscious dominant" that I was meeting didn't like that I didn't like him and started sending bdsm related paraphrenalia to my place of employment and I needed my boss' secretary to intercept the packages and send them back before they went on to the ... wait for it....Superintendent of Schools. So, all those maneuvers of "safety-consciousness" aren't all they're cracked up to being either. I'm not saying to be ridiculous about it all, but really, a bit of common sense about talking to people goes a long way.

I think that's precisely what the OP is calling "over-screening."

juliet


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 6:42:29 AM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TPEOwner
Is writing lengthy profiles with 27 prequalification demands, followed by days weeks or months of online communication really a better investment of our time and energy than exchanging an e-mail or two, a phone call or two, then meeting?  And what's more important, is it a more effective for finding suitable matches?


It depends on the circumstances.  In most cases, I would need to drive at least eight hours round-trip on a good day (today's weather probably makes it a 14-hour turn around time).  Or I could buy an airline ticket (expensive) and wonder - like I'm wondering today - what the chances are that I'm going to get into DIA this evening and back out tomorrow morning between back-to-back snow storms.

While face-to-face makes it much easier to gauge a person, with that kind of investment, I want to be pretty sure anyway.  I was contacted by a local man and we'll simply meet for dinner without bothering with messages.  I gotta eat anyway. 

MaryT

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 7:03:21 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

This is probably another thread but I need to ask how is it that here This dom is stating he uses a 2-3 e mail exchange--- set up a meeting to exchange all info --  then after a   2 week time frame  has decided if they are compatiable. 

patina,
Where did I say "compatible"? I pointed to having only one goal - to meet in real time. I had only one criteria - that who they were in person was a close if not exact representation of who/what they were on the profile that generated my interest in them, or their interest in me. Compatibility, for someone who's goal was a real life, real time experience, could only be determined by real time interaction. It is impossible to determine compatibility by comparing items on a checklist. Even if they are exact matches you wouldn't know your expectation of a caning and mine were compatible until that first cane strike.
quote:

But now everyone says to spend several weeks talking on line, then a month or more on phone calls then meet  and date for several months, so all in all it takes 6 months to deide. 
"Everyone"? Come now you know how applying 100% to any statement is a good way to get in trouble.

Read the post again. As a result of a long ago and gratefully dead thread I included a BIG disclaimer about the two week time frame. I don't care how many days, hours, weeks, or months you set as a "rule". But it seems contrary to a goal of meeting to drag it out. I used two weeks. If I couldn't meet until the 15th day that didn't disqualify the person.

There was another reason beyond the confirmation that the other person was who they said they were. I didn't want to invest any emotion or mental angst in playing out internet fantasy. By saying up front I required a meeting in two weeks, some magically disappeared. I'll assume they weren't who they represented themselves to be. If you want to assume they refused to be subject to my rule I'll accept that too. But that point, not accepting that simple 'rule', also indicated that ultimately they weren't what I was looking for. Both results served my 'screening' purpose making it a valid and effective criteria.

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 7:05:11 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		I have a few deal breakers myself and have found that engaging anyone in the 'getting to know' stage despite the deal breakers is just a complete waste of time.

If I had 27 deal breakers, then I'd expect the pool of  fish to get smaller and smaller.  If I don't care how small the pool is, and don't care how long it takes, it's up to Me, or rather to the given profile's creator, to determine what their parameters are.

I happily met My sub online 5 years ago.  I was extremely cautious then, and I remain extremely cautious today.

My sub was a bit frustrated by My initial reticence to identify myself, but he hung in there. 

Before we EVER met r/t, he offered his personal identifiers and agreed to a background check; (after 3 months of online and phone communication).  My phone number was blocked, he had NO idea who I was but he kept taking the leap of faith to jump through whatever hoops I set before him.

I'm sure neither of us would have gone to either extreme had we both not been completely serious about our search for the 'right' partner.  When we finally met r/t, we were both smitten with one another, things clicked and the more time we spent together, the better things got.

Caution, prudence, and a getting-to-know-one-another-period-of-time-online first, worked for us.

Go with whatever works for you.

TexasMaam

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RE: Too Picky???? - 12/29/2006 7:32:09 AM   
drawntothedark


Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline 		While having your own idea's about what you want and need in a partner is a wonderful thing, sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Ex: This very smart and funny Dom started a breezy email exchange with me. One of my critiria was that (Even in vanilla)  I would never date someone younger than myself. After a few months of hillarious emails and some playful flirting I agreed to meet up for coffee. The week prior  to meeting I dealt with the silly age thing. He is only 5 months younger, to most people that isn't even an issue, but to me it was huge. After we meet a few times I found myself not seeing his age and in fact looked at him as much wiser and more mature than myself. I was so glad I tossed that age qualification out the window.

Again, I'm not saying that prefrences are bad. I still have solid prefrences I will not waiver on, but sometimes we do need a diffrent prospective.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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